Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?

[Mike-X]

As painful as it feels, you have had your limits tested and you survived. She didn't break you.

For you, it has all happened at a young age, too. So hopefully you will continue learning about loving yourself and about communication, validation, support, respect, and love in relationships; you will continue to be mindful of red flags and healthy boundaries in the future relationships that you will have; and you won't be back on this board in your 30s, 40s, 50s, ect. asking, "What the hell  just happened?"  

[Mike-X]

You know, I really wish this deal weren't a mental disorder. I told my ex over and over again to be absolutely comfortable around me. To tell me anything, and to never worry about me judging her. And for months, it seemed like she internalized it. But when push came to shove, I lost.

I feel like my anger and my distrust now is switching from her to the disorder. I'm mad at BPD. I'm mad that it took her from me. I'm mad that this disorder dictated how she was around me. I feel like I saw glimpses of the little girl, her 'real self' when I was close with her.

And I'm mad at this disorder for taking that from me.

In some ways, I guess this is how some people feel towards cancer.

I wished and wished and wished that it was just a mood thing that would pass, that I could change the way I was communicating with her and it would pass, that it was some kind of psychotic episode that would pass, that I could say some magical words and it would pass, that low contact to no contact long enough would get her to miss me and remember the love that we shared and it would pass... .

'

Yup. And even now, as much as it pains me to say this. I'm still hoping, wishing, praying that if enough time passes, her engulfment issues with me will start to fade away, and she'll start to paint me white again. Because right now, I know I've been painted a deep shade of black.

Point: Intellectually understanding something and emotionally understanding something are two very different things. Only through this experience have I come to learn this.

Definitely yes to your Point. And many on here, including me, struggle with this in so many ways.

[Blimblam]

Consider yourself lucky you learned about the disorder afterwards.  Honestly if you can afford it get into therapy.  Also while the forum is a good place to get validation and learn some about the disorder.  Reading books about it really opens the doors of perception. 

Member 2010 was sort of blending an analysis of psychodynamic theory, specifically masterson and schema therapy theory. 

Read The search for the real self the personality disorders of our age.  By masterson

Also read, the games people play by Berne as I think it is a sort of decent primer to shchema modes. 

Then read some schema therapy books.  Jeffery young is a good start but probably reading a schema therapy book specific to treating borderlines would be better. 

[Maternus]

Sorry, but I don't understand it. You broke up with her first, you wanted her out of your life, but you say, that you don't know, why she can move on so fast from this deep, committed relationship. This all makes no sense to me. Sorry, but I think, you are the one, who is emotionally unstable in this relationship. You broke up with her, now you want her back. She is following the passions, she had before your relationship, she is back on her track, and you wonder why she can do this to you? She is not replacing you with her passion for horses, she is just reconnecting with her self.  I don't see a disordered pattern when someone does something he liked all his life after a breakup.

There's a lot more context missing that you'd need to read in order to understand where I'm coming from: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271943.0

Reading the original post as well as the rests of the posts in the thread will give you full context 

Yes, sorry. My answer was too harsh. I did not remember the whole context. There are a lot of signs of BPD in your exGF. But don't focus too much on everything she does now and read it as a sign of her disorder.

Viele Grüße 

M.

[Reecer1588]

Danke schön, alles gute!

Yes. Sometimes it is hard to remember that without the stressful event, namely ME, She's likely not going to show signs of the disorder. I wanted to add that for our entire relationship, she didn't have a facebook. Then, on Jan. 7th, two days before the last time I saw her, She makes one. When I ask her why, she says "oh because a photography club requires it."

Uh huh. Yeah that turned out to be a total lie. Her Facebook pictures of course are all of her single, no trace of me. (I have her blocked now). I'm not saying that there's a machiavellan scheme. J know that's not how it works. But just two days before she pushes me beyond me emotional limits, she sets herself up to portray herself as single, happy and available. Coincedence?

[sirhero]

Reecer,

Please find a hobby a or something to focus on. Don't get me wrong, these boards are awesome when you need validated or you need to vent. But you really need to stop focusing on her and focus on yourself. Be glad that this didn't happen to you later in life like many others on this board. You have a LOT of time to learn and grow from this. So do that. I know it's tough and I know it hurts. I was with my BPDex for 3 years(I was 23 going on 24 when we met). I've been out of it for over a year now and it feels wonderful. IF you want her back and I don't know why you would after reading your story. You aren't going to get her back acting like this. You need to move on with your life. And I'm not saying that will bring her back, but it's something you should be doing anyways. You seem like a very intelligent person. Don't waste all your time and energy ruminating about someone who doesn't want to be with you or care about you.

What Maternus said earlier was a bit harsh, but sometimes people need that bluntness to see things better.

[Invictus01]

Reecer,

Please find a hobby a or something to focus on. Don't get me wrong, these boards are awesome when you need validated or you need to vent. But you really need to stop focusing on her and focus on yourself. Be glad that this didn't happen to you later in life like many others on this board. You have a LOT of time to learn and grow from this. So do that. I know it's tough and I know it hurts. I was with my BPDex for 3 years(I was 23 going on 24 when we met). I've been out of it for over a year now and it feels wonderful. IF you want her back and I don't know why you would after reading your story. You aren't going to get her back acting like this. You need to move on with your life. And I'm not saying that will bring her back, but it's something you should be doing anyways. You seem like a very intelligent person. Don't waste all your time and energy ruminating about someone who doesn't want to be with you or care about you.

What Maternus said earlier was a bit harsh, but sometimes people need that bluntness to see things better.

Yeah, once you connect all the dots and read up on these disorders and see what it takes to maybe see an improvement in a person who is suffering from it (them)... .Sticking around seems like one crappy crappy idea. It is tough to see in the beginning, but after a few months you realize just that.

[Reecer1588]

When I get emotional, I think in German. I can't help it. Literally, it's like a mental block I can not control. If I'm thinking angry thoughts, sad thoughts, it's always in German. Remember, it could just as easily be in russian for me.

When I imagine myself screaming, crying, being emotional and explaining to my ex everything that she made me feel, the conversation is always in German.

Sometimes, when I pray to God about it, I do it in German.

I do not know what that means. But hey, it's out there. There's y'all's little "quirks about reece" fact of the day.

Have a nice day all

[tjay933]

If I'm thinking angry thoughts, sad thoughts, it's always in German.

someone once told me (they were bilingual) that for each language you know, you are a different person. is german your mother tongue? that may be why you revert back to it in emotional times because that is where that "reecer" resides. maybe the English reecer isn't as emotional a person, maybe the Russian reecer is more work oriented? don't know but obviously the German Reecer is the more emotional version of yourself.

[JRT]

If I'm thinking angry thoughts, sad thoughts, it's always in German.

someone once told me (they were bilingual) that for each language you know, you are a different person.

(politely begging to differ)... .I speak a foreign language as well and do not have this at all

[EaglesJuju]

I am sorry that you are going through this Reecer1588.   

I am envious of my exgf because, 53 days after our last contact, she's moved on with her life. Like nothing happened. Like she didn't drive an otherwise calm mannered, not an aggressive-bone-in-his-body person to his emotional limit through constant and persistent devaluation.

I understand how you could feel this way, but you really do not know. Suggesting that she has moved on like nothing happened is speculative. Indifference and acting in a 'calm manner' can be a coping mechanism for a pwBPD. Sometimes a pwBPD will behave in a cool or calm manner, to try to over-control their intense feelings.

It is her ability to internalize "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" that I envy of her. It would seem that as long as she and I aren't texting, I really do "cease to exist," and I wish it were the same way for me.

I have felt the same way too.

Think of it this way, dissociation, avoidance, and maladaptive coping mechanisms may "work" in the present time, but masking feelings/emotions are not effective in the long run.

On the other hand, directly coping with feelings/emotions in the present time may be incredibly painful, but working through these feelings will benefit you in the long run. 

Supression, avoidance, dissociation are temporary solutions and cause greater long-term problems.

What would you rather do?

[tjay933]

(politely begging to differ)... .I speak a foreign language as well and do not have this at all

interesting. wonder why they told me that? actually I had two different people with different mother tongues tell me that. maybe that was just the case for them. thanks for the clarification JRT. 

[JRT]

(politely begging to differ)... .I speak a foreign language as well and do not have this at all

interesting. wonder why they told me that? actually I had two different people with different mother tongues tell me that. maybe that was just the case for them. thanks for the clarification JRT. 

I know a lot of people that are bilingual as I am myself and have never heard this before. Sure, people are different so maybe thats what happens with them. I can see where it confines one into a set of cultural rules that are dictated by the nationality of that language - THAT might be true to an extent in my case.

[tjay933]

maybe it has to do with their being esl not just bilingual? or maybe I just didn't understand them correctly. 

[Reecer1588]

Born and Raised in Texas! 

    German thinking: Truth be told, I think it's just a quirk about me that I switch to German in my head when I'm imagining an emotional scenario, or confrontation. It's almost like, in my mind, she just MIGHT internalize what I'm telling her this time, if I say it in German. Rather than just that blank face of indifference when I used to try and tell her how I felt in English (of course). Of course, she doesn't speak a lick of German, and always seemed put-off and annoyed whenever I wanted to teach her a few words or phrases. I'm just an advanced speaker of German, I'm not fluent or have a degree in it. Sometimes, if I'm imagining myself standing in front of my exgf explaining to her how much she hurt me (in German), I might not have the right words, I become distracted and more interested in looking up how to say something than the emotional argument itself.

Different Person? No I am not a different person when I think/speak in German. Germans have had a big influence over the culture historically in Texas. Point being, they really aren't that different from me. Russian is different. I've never been there, but I do have a handful of Russian connections. When I speak Russian, I have to seriously concentrate on the correct grammar of what I'm saying, thus making it impossible for me (right now) to think about anything really in Russian alone. This is just because the mental stress of trying to say something in Russian (a class 3 level CIA language) for me right now, is too hard. I'm good at it, don't get me wrong, and there are many things I can say on a dime, but I'm just not quite as comfortable with it as I am German.


Coping Mechanisms: I have no desire in maladaptive coping mechanisms.

What triggered the post last night: I saw some new photos of her with her equine friends at the Austin Rodeo. She looks genuinely happy, and I'm sure that she is. It's just that, I wish I could be a part of her happiness. I wish that I could still hear about all the interesting things she's doing now.

The Truth I'm sitting on the balcony of my dorm now outside, and I've realized that I think so much clearer when I'm outside. I love sitting out here now typing away.

Truths

Much like MOST of the people I play basketball here at school with (like I played earlier today), I can take pictures with them all day long. Hell, I could go to a Spurs' game or some function, take pictures with them, and it would look like we're just the best friends in the whole world. And while I'm with them, at the game, playing basketball, or whatever, I'm happy, I'm smiling, you would have no idea that I feel like there's someone who always wants to scream inside of me.

   Well, that wouldn't be the truth though, would it?

First off: While there are a group of people I'm playing basketball with that I DO consider personal friends, most aren't. And Hell, without venturing too far, my ex has never shown me any of these girls before in her life. And just because they are with her at the rodeo, doesn't mean that they're just close personal buddies now. It means they both like horses and rodeos. Hell, I like both of those things (I love the rodeo). Point being, just because my ex has found people who have common interests at school, doesn't mean that she's found real, meaningful friends. I know she hasn't because she's rarely ever had those in the past.

Second off My spring break, last week, I spent with a family that loves me. I went fishing, out to eat, played cards (penny games don't worry), etc. For my ex, she can't do those things. She has a mother who spends most of her free time with her boyfriend, an emotionally distant father, and an ass of a little sister.

Third off: I can bond with people from all spheres of life. Political junkies (I'm a libertarian), Basketball guys, my roomate and my suitemates, the people I meet out fishing, my family, people I meet out socializing (I've got a club event I was invited to by a sorority girl tomorrow!). Can my ex do any of those things? Meet and become friends with people from any walk of life? No. She can not. Take out horses, or animals, and she really doesn't know how to talk to people.

Point With clear and lucid thoughts, I realize that I have nothing to be jealous of my ex. And now that I've lost these 30 pounds, and feel good about how I look, I don't have that to be jealous of, either.

[Maternus]

When I get emotional, I think in German. I can't help it. Literally, it's like a mental block I can not control. If I'm thinking angry thoughts, sad thoughts, it's always in German. Remember, it could just as easily be in russian for me.

It's a little bit off topic, but when I think about PDs, I often think in English, although my native language is German. There's for example no real good German expression for "silent treatment". "Jemanden die kalte Schulter zeigen" literally translated "show someone a cold shoulder" or "mit Schweigen strafen" ("to punish with silence" does not hit the nail on the head like "silent treatment". I started my research about BPD on German websites, but there are only a few sites about what happens to you as a partner of a pwBPD in German. They are good starting point, but they lack information about moving on.

[Maternus]

Point With clear and lucid thoughts, I realize that I have nothing to be jealous of my ex. And now that I've lost these 30 pounds, and feel good about how I look, I don't have that to be jealous of, either.

Think about it this way: You've made an experience, that will change your life for better at a very young age. Many of us made this experience much later, I was over 40 when I met my uBPDex. I carried a lot of unresolved childhood issues with me all my life, before I had my breakthrough crisis after the break up. I knew all my life, that something is very wrong with me. I've learned so much in the last six months, I know myself better now. And the best of all is: I started to like myself - a little - and a little more every day.