What helped me so much to stop my insanity of recycling

[Rifka]

I got in touch with two of the three prior ladies in his life and got the earful of what their lives had been like with him. After a little denial on my part and swallowing my pride, I accepted that my life was bound to follow theirs and that was to much pain to endure.

He told me they were the Devils themselves basically, but it wasn't true!

I'm sure today I am the devil of his most recent past to lure or have lured the next unknown rescuer into the web of lies and horror to come.

The end result of all of this has been a positive experience because I am a more complete within myself person. I am still healing and wiping off my devil cape from all of the turmoil, but I feel great! I'm very happy and have found the peaceful, smiling girl he met 8 months ago that chose to rescue him from those terrible, abusive women ( ). I've learned so much!

Rifka

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Rifka, 

I am glad that you are in a good place.    It is a tough journey to detach from a pwBPD.  It can be hard to see the big picture at first.

You mentioned that you view your relationship as a positive experience and learned so much. Can you share what you learned?

[Blimblam]

I was so tempted to contact my exs exs but just thought it would be some major boundary crossing types of behavior.  Your post kind of makes me wish I had .  I was very very tempted!

Glad your feeling better.

[Invictus01]

What helped me to not even go into recycling is educating myself on what I was dealing with. Once you start learning and seeing that person for who he or she is, what their relationships look like (and they all pretty much look the same), start reading up on other people's stories (that pretty much read the same)... .Going back just doesn't sound too appealing. I broke NC a month ago because I had this 1% doubt in my believe that I deal with a personality disordered person (I believe she is a BPD with a heavy heavy does of NPD). What I got back was just a confirmation that I was right. That was what I needed to 100% make up my mind. Am I over the whole thing after 4 months even though we only dated 6 months? Of course not. But I have no choice to keep on walking. Glad to hear that after 8 months you are feeling so much better. I am looking forward to it!

[raisins3142]

I was so tempted to contact my exs exs but just thought it would be some major boundary crossing types of behavior.  Your post kind of makes me wish I had .  I was very very tempted!

Glad your feeling better.

I thought about telling the two guys that she admitted cheating on about the cheating.

[Kasina]

Hey rifka,

I am glad that you are in such a good place now.

I can relate to your story as I also knew my ex's ex gf's.

I always though that they must have done something wrong as it appeared to be that way even though they never agreed upon it.

I also knew my bf since high school but didn't knew about his BPD.

We are broken up and I went NC with him a week ago.

Now am trying to make my way through confusions ...



You mentioned that you view your relationship as a positive experience and learned so much. Can you share what you learned?

[apollotech]

Rifka,

Thank you for this thread as I have seriously considered contacting the two ex husbands of my BPDexgf. One of them I know as we're from the same hometown. As yours has done with his ex's, my BPDexgf portrayed her two ex husbands as vile, evil creatures. I am sure that is a role that I now play during her conversations with others.

I am curious as to how similar their stories, the ex's that you contacted, were to your story. Were you able to clearly see the same patterns from him across all three relationships? If y'all three were in communication at the same time, were there lightbulb moments experienced by all? Thank you for anything you care to share in regards to my curiosity/questions.

[Mutt]

Hi Rifka,

That's really nice.

Don't let anyone's criticism or judgement define who you are.

[hoaianhcameron]

chose to rescue him from those terrible, abusive women ( )

This is probably what my replacement's thinking rite now 

[Rifka]

Hi Rifka, 

I am glad that you are in a good place.    It is a tough journey to detach from a pwBPD.  It can be hard to see the big picture at first.

You mentioned that you view your relationship as a positive experience and learned so much. Can you share what you learned?

Hi Eagle,

I feel without experiencing my ex BPDbf I would never have been able to meet and heal and love my inner child. Only he has ever introduced me to her. Sounds crazy even to me, but I was able to work so hard to heal this little broken child that still yearned for the attention she missed from my mother. Little me accepted so much abuse and abandonment that the same feelings moved into my adulthood without my knowledge. I accepted so little from people, but gave whole heartedly because that is what I did as a little girl. I took care of everybody in my home and in my life. I knew nothing less and it became who I am as an adult. I am a professional rescuer from my childhood to my adulthood as a volunteer Emergency medical tech in prior years.

I learned to say no better, have better boundaries and to accept that it is not my job to rescue everybody in my life. These were very difficult lessons. I am truly at peace with little me now, as well as big me.

Rifka

[Rifka]

Rifka,

Thank you for this thread as I have seriously considered contacting the two ex husbands of my BPDexgf. One of them I know as we're from the same hometown. As yours has done with his ex's, my BPDexgf portrayed her two ex husbands as vile, evil creatures. I am sure that is a role that I now play during her conversations with others.

I am curious as to how similar their stories, the ex's that you contacted, were to your story. Were you able to clearly see the same patterns from him across all three relationships? If y'all three were in communication at the same time, were there lightbulb moments experienced by all? Thank you for anything you care to share in regards to my curiosity/questions.

Apollotech,


Hi, thank you for your note. I contacted both wives before I went in for my final recycle.  Wife 1 and wife 2  were so abused that both moved to other states to be away from him. Both had restraining orders, both were sexually abused and raped continuously through the marriages after the initial honeymoon phases were done. Both women feared for their lives.

He had not yet been physically abusive to me so I returned thinking it was lies and that they were just jealous or insecure regarding me. How not true that was. I stayed friends with wife 1 during the last recycle. It was a short one, but it's amazing the power he had over me to believe he was the victim when it was every woman in his life.

Wife 1 will never remove her order of protection and still fears her life 10 years after divorce.

Yes they both told me the same life I had lived to that point and knew this was headed to a very bad place and didn't want to go there.

Rifka

[apollotech]

Rifka,

Thank you for this thread as I have seriously considered contacting the two ex husbands of my BPDexgf. One of them I know as we're from the same hometown. As yours has done with his ex's, my BPDexgf portrayed her two ex husbands as vile, evil creatures. I am sure that is a role that I now play during her conversations with others.

I am curious as to how similar their stories, the ex's that you contacted, were to your story. Were you able to clearly see the same patterns from him across all three relationships? If y'all three were in communication at the same time, were there lightbulb moments experienced by all? Thank you for anything you care to share in regards to my curiosity/questions.

Apollotech,


Hi, thank you for your note. I contacted both wives before I went in for my final recycle.  Wife 1 and wife 2  were so abused that both moved to other states to be away from him. Both had restraining orders, both were sexually abused and raped continuously through the marriages after the initial honeymoon phases were done. Both women feared for their lives.

He had not yet been physically abusive to me so I returned thinking it was lies and that they were just jealous or insecure regarding me. How not true that was. I stayed friends with wife 1 during the last recycle. It was a short one, but it's amazing the power he had over me to believe he was the victim when it was every woman in his life.

Wife 1 will never remove her order of protection and still fears her life 10 years after divorce.

Yes they both told me the same life I had lived to that point and knew this was headed to a very bad place and didn't want to go there.

Rifka

Hi Rifka,

Thank you for your reply and for sharing. I am very sorry to hear that you three went through a horrible mess with a horribly sick person. Thank God that you got out before physical abuse was introduced into the relationship! I think that if I begin contacting my BPDexgf's ex's that, like you, I will find that the abuse was not directed towards her but rather by her towards them. A pwBPD truly does not change their behaviors/actions without major effort and work on their part. That being said, I clearly know who was abused in the failed relationship with my BPDexgf.

Apollotech

[Rifka]

I was so tempted to contact my exs exs but just thought it would be some major boundary crossing types of behavior.  Your post kind of makes me wish I had .  I was very very tempted!

Glad your feeling better.

Thank you! I'm hoping that we all get to a peaceful place within ourselves to just finally go forward and just take this as a tough life lesson that made us more amazing people.

Rifka

[Rifka]

What helped me to not even go into recycling is educating myself on what I was dealing with. Once you start learning and seeing that person for who he or she is, what their relationships look like (and they all pretty much look the same), start reading up on other people's stories (that pretty much read the same)... .Going back just doesn't sound too appealing. I broke NC a month ago because I had this 1% doubt in my believe that I deal with a personality disordered person (I believe she is a BPD with a heavy heavy does of NPD). What I got back was just a confirmation that I was right. That was what I needed to 100% make up my mind. Am I over the whole thing after 4 months even though we only dated 6 months? Of course not. But I have no choice to keep on walking. Glad to hear that after 8 months you are feeling so much better. I am looking forward to it!

I had never heard of BPD before we were already done, but I knew something was very wrong with him. Bipolar was what I originally thought. We got into a few disagreements based on what he concocted in his head and I asked did you behave this way with your exes. He always said why don't I call them and went to hand me his phone. He was gambling and calling my bluff to really know. I reached out to one ex on facebook and one through his son who I have a nice relationship with. Both wives called me immediately to talk to me after I gave them my number.

Speaking to them confirmed that it would never get better and that he begged and pleaded with them too. They both told me things he said to them to make them feel special and to tug at their heartstrings to pull them back in with all of their recycles. It was exactly the same with each of us.

He was an actor performing the same role with different non actresses.

I never got to speak to the exbf right before me, but did run into her and her boyfriend while we were out one night for dinner. The exes boyfriend got all up in my exes face but didn't say a word. That said a lot! My ex was not even worth a word! It was interesting, my ex sat there like a quiet little child. I was like what was that? He told me oh that was my exgfs bf that she cheated on me with! Highly unlikely! Prob a projection of what he did to her. It's sad how far I was in the fog but I was. The air is quite clear today.

I am wonderful friends with wife 1 for almost a year now. She is a wonderful, strong, smart woman. She never healed from all of the abuse and never understood what was wrong, I told her about the diagnosed BPD. I introduced her to this site. We have helped each other heal and move forward together. She has been amazing and so strong to go through all of her pains and tears and experiences with me. I am lucky to have reached out to her and have her be interested in talking to me. She really was a major piece of my healing puzzle!

You're doing great! I was involved for 8 months which seemed like years of craziness!

I'm positive that most of our exes exes are really great rescuers like us that either got thrown to the curb or they themselves left out of complete frustration and a desire to not live this abusive life any longer.

Either way being out and getting through the fog and being able to save yourself is priceless.

Life is very good today! Crawling out of the pit of hell I allowed myself to be in was tough, but I'm standing strong, just a few pieces of dust still lingering, but that's about me, not him!

A beautiful life lesson that I am glad that I lived through! I am a much better person today. Zero tolerance for drama or pity me stories from people, but that's just another new and improved boundary!


Rifka

Keep up the great work, I know I am!

[EaglesJuju]

I feel without experiencing my ex BPDbf I would never have been able to meet and heal and love my inner child. Only he has ever introduced me to her. Sounds crazy even to me, but I was able to work so hard to heal this little broken child that still yearned for the attention she missed from my mother. Little me accepted so much abuse and abandonment that the same feelings moved into my adulthood without my knowledge. I accepted so little from people, but gave whole heartedly because that is what I did as a little girl. I took care of everybody in my home and in my life. I knew nothing less and it became who I am as an adult. I am a professional rescuer from my childhood to my adulthood as a volunteer Emergency medical tech in prior years.

I learned to say no better, have better boundaries and to accept that it is not my job to rescue everybody in my life. These were very difficult lessons. I am truly at peace with little me now, as well as big me.

Rifka

This is an amazing example of self-awareness.       It can be very hard to turn the mirror on ourselves and work on our own issues.

Sharing what you learned about yourself is an inspiration. It truly shows us what we can learn or get out of relationships with pwBPD.

It is not crazy to think you have a broken inner little child.  I think may rescuer/fixer/helper types can relate. I felt like this too.

[raisins3142]

Hi Rifka, 

I am glad that you are in a good place.    It is a tough journey to detach from a pwBPD.  It can be hard to see the big picture at first.

You mentioned that you view your relationship as a positive experience and learned so much. Can you share what you learned?

Hi Eagle,

I feel without experiencing my ex BPDbf I would never have been able to meet and heal and love my inner child. Only he has ever introduced me to her. Sounds crazy even to me, but I was able to work so hard to heal this little broken child that still yearned for the attention she missed from my mother. Little me accepted so much abuse and abandonment that the same feelings moved into my adulthood without my knowledge. I accepted so little from people, but gave whole heartedly because that is what I did as a little girl. I took care of everybody in my home and in my life. I knew nothing less and it became who I am as an adult. I am a professional rescuer from my childhood to my adulthood as a volunteer Emergency medical tech in prior years.

I learned to say no better, have better boundaries and to accept that it is not my job to rescue everybody in my life. These were very difficult lessons. I am truly at peace with little me now, as well as big me.

Rifka

Powerful.  Thanks.  Just had a deep realization thanks to you.  I'll save it for another thread so I don't hijack this one.  Maybe I'll start one tomorrow.  In 1 sentence, the way I felt when I thought my ex was cheating on me/doing something that would hurt me was exactly the way I felt when my mother would make suicide threats and leave the house when I was a child.  I believe my mom is an "aged out" BPD, just mellowed with time.

[Rifka]

I feel without experiencing my ex BPDbf I would never have been able to meet and heal and love my inner child. Only he has ever introduced me to her. Sounds crazy even to me, but I was able to work so hard to heal this little broken child that still yearned for the attention she missed from my mother. Little me accepted so much abuse and abandonment that the same feelings moved into my adulthood without my knowledge. I accepted so little from people, but gave whole heartedly because that is what I did as a little girl. I took care of everybody in my home and in my life. I knew nothing less and it became who I am as an adult. I am a professional rescuer from my childhood to my adulthood as a volunteer Emergency medical tech in prior years.

I learned to say no better, have better boundaries and to accept that it is not my job to rescue everybody in my life. These were very difficult lessons. I am truly at peace with little me now, as well as big me.

Rifka

This is an amazing example of self-awareness.       It can be very hard to turn the mirror on ourselves and work on our own issues.

Sharing what you learned about yourself is an inspiration. It truly shows us what we can learn or get out of relationships with pwBPD.

It is not crazy to think you have a broken inner little child.  I think may rescuer/fixer/helper types can relate. I felt like this too.

Thank you!

It's amazing how this journey is truly completely about us!

Rifka