Left last year, need to remind myself it's better to be alone

[FracturedReality]

I was in a relationship with a girl who suffered from a lot of mental health issues, one of them (maybe the main one) being BPD. I look up stories to remind myself it wasn't me, to show how there are/were other people going through the same crap. It's kind of therapeutic. I was reading through this forum, and I kept coming across acronyms I didn't recognize. I clicked glossary to see if I could figure out what they are, and it told me to register. When I registered, it told me to make a first post

so... .here I am.

I was burned, badly, she was my first girl friend. I have a father who has a whole lot of issues, and crazy was all I knew. Ironically, her family is what showed me how nice "normal" life is. I stayed with her literally YEARS longer than I otherwise would have because I loved her family. I finally left when I was able to tell myself that I deserved a less stressful life, and I could CREATE a "normal" family. Also, when the police get involved, it's time to let go. I was arrested (I've come to surmise that it's fairly normal for a guy to get in legal trouble when trying to live with a BPD SO)

Of course, now a year later, I can't emotionally engage with any of the girls I've gone on dates with. I see one thing that MIGHT be a red flag, and I get consumed by fear. Makes things difficult. It almost seems like an epidemic, how many people have mental issues now-a-days. I truly feel life is too easy for Americans. It leads to depression. No one activates the reward center of their brain. Everything is handed to them, so they slowly get more and more depressed. This girl I was with had BPD, but also had dissociative identity disorder. Self harm, black outs, seizures... .since I've left her she's cleaned up, started truly trying to be better. She was manipulative as all ___. I truly hope she can learn to live with her issues, maybe move past them, find and accept happiness.

At this point I'm not sure what/why I'm typing all of this. Just kind of writing what comes to mind. Life is rough. I feel sorry for the people still trying to stick out the relationship, though. I feel like an idiot for staying so long. While on a date, I was told I apologized too much, and that I'm indecisive and can't make decisions. I'm not sure if this is a result of the relationship, or if I've always been that way.  Anyway, feel free to reply (... .obviously)

[jhkbuzz]

I was in a relationship with a girl who suffered from a lot of mental health issues, one of them (maybe the main one) being BPD. I look up stories to remind myself it wasn't me, to show how there are/were other people going through the same crap. It's kind of therapeutic. I was reading through this forum, and I kept coming across acronyms I didn't recognize. I clicked glossary to see if I could figure out what they are, and it told me to register. When I registered, it told me to make a first post

so... .here I am.

I was burned, badly, she was my first girl friend. I have a father who has a whole lot of issues, and crazy was all I knew. Ironically, her family is what showed me how nice "normal" life is. I stayed with her literally YEARS longer than I otherwise would have because I loved her family. I finally left when I was able to tell myself that I deserved a less stressful life, and I could CREATE a "normal" family. Also, when the police get involved, it's time to let go. I was arrested (I've come to surmise that it's fairly normal for a guy to get in legal trouble when trying to live with a BPD SO)

Of course, now a year later, I can't emotionally engage with any of the girls I've gone on dates with. I see one thing that MIGHT be a red flag, and I get consumed by fear. Makes things difficult. It almost seems like an epidemic, how many people have mental issues now-a-days. I truly feel life is too easy for Americans. It leads to depression. No one activates the reward center of their brain. Everything is handed to them, so they slowly get more and more depressed. This girl I was with had BPD, but also had dissociative identity disorder. Self harm, black outs, seizures... .since I've left her she's cleaned up, started truly trying to be better. She was manipulative as all ___. I truly hope she can learn to live with her issues, maybe move past them, find and accept happiness.

At this point I'm not sure what/why I'm typing all of this. Just kind of writing what comes to mind. Life is rough. I feel sorry for the people still trying to stick out the relationship, though. I feel like an idiot for staying so long. While on a date, I was told I apologized too much, and that I'm indecisive and can't make decisions. I'm not sure if this is a result of the relationship, or if I've always been that way.  Anyway, feel free to reply (... .obviously)

I'm glad you decided to share your story... .you'll find a lot of us on these boards have had similar experiences. I can't imagine how you've gotten through the past year without sharing - I think my head would have exploded!   A lot of my healing has come as a result of sharing my story, reading about others' stories, and asking questions. I hope you stick around - it helps to write things out.

It's not unusual to struggle with dating after a BPD relationship - I'm 7 months post breakup and I'm still not ready for any kind of serious relationship. How long did your relationship last?

There are lots of resources on this site to help you heal - the page I looked at when I first found this website talks about the stages of grief and the stages of abandonment - it's at https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331265.  Where do you think you're at in terms of the stages?

[FracturedReality]

Thanks for replying, I was worried I had broken some sort of unwritten agreement with my post, .

I was able to share what I could in different outlets. I was with her for far too long, 5 years, recycled the relationship far too much. I almost broke up with her after 3 months, a year, 2 years... .just, I tried over and over. The last time (Before the final time), I really wanted to be done, but I freaking love her family, still do.

But anyway, I'm definitely to acceptance. It's kind of strange, she still calls me every once in a while, and depending on my state of loneliness I'll still answer and talk. She tries her damnedest to act normal and talk about the good, I can tell she's truly trying to improve, but there's no way I'm getting back with her. She's burned through two relationships since I broke up with her, and I've felt absolutely no jealousy or desire, anything. Honestly, I think it's because I lived with her for a year while wanting to leave her already, so I had come to terms way earlier. She's going through the same things with the guys she's trying to date now, and she'll call and complain to me - - which I'm grateful for, it's a perfect reminder of how horrible it was. She has been diagnosed, but she actually apologized to me for how manipulative she was (Which, may have been a manipulation in and of itself, but whatever - I'll take what I can get, ). Thanks for the link and resource, by the way.

As far as the abandonment cycle, I'm not sure I can relate to any of that. I broke up with her, so I guess I wasn't abandoned.


The healing, I'm not sure. Different areas depending on the day, somewhere between processing, creative action, and freedom.

Truth is, because of my dad, I've been in mental health courses, classes, and help groups basically my entire life. This caused me to both have an unrealistic hope that our relationship would work and I could help, and helped me process the crap she was doing better than the average person (I think, anyway). But I still have nights where I like the validation of reading others' stories and hearing that she's not the only one out there like that (Although that's also scary... .). I'll read through the rest of that page you linked to later. Thanks again.

[jhkbuzz]

Thanks for replying, I was worried I had broken some sort of unwritten agreement with my post, .

I was able to share what I could in different outlets. I was with her for far too long, 5 years, recycled the relationship far too much. I almost broke up with her after 3 months, a year, 2 years... .just, I tried over and over. The last time (Before the final time), I really wanted to be done, but I freaking love her family, still do.

But anyway, I'm definitely to acceptance. It's kind of strange, she still calls me every once in a while, and depending on my state of loneliness I'll still answer and talk. She tries her damnedest to act normal and talk about the good, I can tell she's truly trying to improve, but there's no way I'm getting back with her. She's burned through two relationships since I broke up with her, and I've felt absolutely no jealousy or desire, anything. Honestly, I think it's because I lived with her for a year while wanting to leave her already, so I had come to terms way earlier. She's going through the same things with the guys she's trying to date now, and she'll call and complain to me - - which I'm grateful for, it's a perfect reminder of how horrible it was. She has been diagnosed, but she actually apologized to me for how manipulative she was (Which, may have been a manipulation in and of itself, but whatever - I'll take what I can get, ). Thanks for the link and resource, by the way.

As far as the abandonment cycle, I'm not sure I can relate to any of that. I broke up with her, so I guess I wasn't abandoned.


The healing, I'm not sure. Different areas depending on the day, somewhere between processing, creative action, and freedom.

Truth is, because of my dad, I've been in mental health courses, classes, and help groups basically my entire life. This caused me to both have an unrealistic hope that our relationship would work and I could help, and helped me process the crap she was doing better than the average person (I think, anyway). But I still have nights where I like the validation of reading others' stories and hearing that she's not the only one out there like that (Although that's also scary... .). I'll read through the rest of that page you linked to later. Thanks again.

No unwritten agreements or rules here - post away! 

I tried over and over again too - four years of trying after I found out about the first infidelity (minor though it was, it still hurt like hell).  I felt like a fool for a long time for staying with her for so long - but I decided to re-frame THAT story for myself.  She was clearly unstable when I decided to stay - and it says something good about ME - that I'm loyal, that I honor my commitments, that I love deeply - those are things to be proud of.  Where I went wrong was when I ignored the red flags at the very beginning of the relationship - and I won't do that again.

Speaking of which, you said, "Of course, now a year later, I can't emotionally engage with any of the girls I've gone on dates with. I see one thing that MIGHT be a red flag, and I get consumed by fear. Makes things difficult." I had that same fear, but then I realized it was more about the fact that I didn't trust MYSELF to recognize the flags - and not so much that there are unstable people in the world. The longer I'm out of the r/s the more I'm trusting myself - but I'm also seeing a therapist, which helps.

How did the mental health courses/classes/groups lead you to have unrealistic hopes about your r/s with your girlfriend? I didn't understand that part.

And I agree - finding the similarities between yours and others stories is tremendously validating - it helped so much with my own healing.

I'm glad you found these boards! 

[FracturedReality]

I grew up hearing about how mental health can be fix/made better/coped with etc. I essentially started enabling her thinking I was helping. That's something that may not have happened had I not grown up learning about all of the recovery coping techniques and such.


However, having that base knowledge also helped me not get quite as ___ed up and scared over the relationship... .Maybe because I was just scaring scare tissue?


Anyway, I'll stick around for a while and check the whole site out.

[jhkbuzz]

I grew up hearing about how mental health can be fix/made better/coped with etc. I essentially started enabling her thinking I was helping. That's something that may not have happened had I not grown up learning about all of the recovery coping techniques and such.


However, having that base knowledge also helped me not get quite as ___ed up and scared over the relationship... .Maybe because I was just scaring scare tissue?


Anyway, I'll stick around for a while and check the whole site out.

Yes, I know I believed I could help fix my ex - that's the rescuer in me.  Plus, I really loved her.  It took a long time to for me to understand that love can't fix mental illness - only a trained therapist can - and only if the patient is really committed to the process.