Newlywed Needs Help

[StillGrowing]

I've been married for three months to a man I dated over a year. I'm also a new RN. Our dating life was fairly uneventful, though now I can see things that I might not have easily glossed over before. About a month in, I knew something was off kilter: he was obsessed with the idea that I'd leave and hypersensitive to any 'chance' that we might not make it, he was emotionally erratic, never comfortable with me being away from him, things like that. We didn't fight before but suddenly, everything was threatening and we were often struggling to see eye to eye.

Today, a thought crossed my mind which I'm going to call divine intervention, "Look up Borderline Personality Disorder". I was stunned and gasped out loud. It was exactly the things I've been struggling with... .I understand that the reason we didn't deal with it before has everything to do with the fact that he wasn't fully attached to me. When he crossed that line and gave himself over to his love and dedication to me, he crossed another line as well: the line of 'you will leave me', and we haven't been the same.

We were already looking into counseling. We were already feeling that we needed help. Now at least I feel like I know what we need help with, and that feels good but the task at hand feels daunting.

Any initial suggestions? I'm reading whatever I can get my hands on. I'm working on myself. What has helped you?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mike-X]

  Welcome. I am sorry about BPD issues that you are dealing with. Does he feel that he has a problem and needs counseling? Have you read about DBT?

[ogopogodude]

Here is my suggestion:

Go on daily walks.

Sounds corny but just do this... .

After your work day is over, ... insist on going for a walk with your spouse, and hold hands. And walk. And perhaps talk, but you don't have to talk.

It is so very therapeutic.  Try it.

Just walk. Oh, ... .and remember, to hold hands while you are walking.

[waverider]

The most important advice i can give is to accept that you can't fix him or his issues. If you fall into rescuer mode you can accidentally make things worse.

The path forward is to concentrate on your understanding of the disorder and how best to interact with it. That way you don't make it worse, and by protecting your own vulnerability you will be in a better and more stable place to provide strong support for your H.

Start by working your way through the

lessons

they will prevent resources in a logical manner.

[Wrongturn1]

Welcome, StillGrowing!     That's interesting that you're crediting divine intervention for ending up here... .I have a similar situation where nearly 4 years ago I noticed that my uBPDw and I seemed to have drastically different recollections of the same events and seemingly different realities (coupled with lots of emotional issues on her end).  So I prayed that I would be able to see things as they actually are and very soon after stumbled upon BPD, which explained everything.

To briefly give some advice:

1) Don't tell your husband you think he has BPD;

2) You didn't cause it and you can't cure it;

3) Work on improving your self-care;

4) Learn about and practice validation and boundaries.