We don't win.

[Heldfast]

Yesterday was my birthday, was certain she would contact me, but nope nothing. My BPDexfiancee set up a replacement, and cheated, while still in the relationship and moved cross country to immediately enter into a new relationship with him, lying that she was leaving me to find her independence and own identity. She is in touch with a few of our mutual friends though, who don't really get it, or are just tired of it all anyway, but they think she's happy. I think it's just another cycle of the game. But her not contacting me is strengthening my resolve to accept that I cannot help someone who doesn't want help. I do not like the thought of someone I love, and I do still feel love, being set up for such a path in life. However, she is not mine. She has given herself to someone else (based on nothing, that hurts). She is not geographically available, she is no contact. I wanted so much for her to reach out just a little. I wish we could beat this disease so badly, I want the woman I loved back. I hate that she became, in what felt like the blink of an eye, a cold, lying, cheating b___.             

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Heldfast, 

Happy belated birthday. 

I am sorry that your pwBPD did not contact you yesterday. I understand how painful it when someone you love and care about does not reach to you.    

But her not contacting me is strengthening my resolve to accept that I cannot help someone who doesn't want help.

Although this is painful and difficult for you, this is a statement of progress.  Accepting that you cannot change, help, or fix your pwBPD's behavior is a step in the right direction of healing.  It can be a difficult process realizing that we can only change our own behavior.  It is especially hard when we love someone who is disordered and is not available to us anymore. 


             

[Blimblam]

Held fast

I'm sorry if it's any constilation it's about her not you.  "It's not you it's me."  Your spit black while someone else is split white.  The memory of you probably is too triggering for her as well. At the same time please be carefull with the win vs loss frame but accepting that I diddnt win and surrendering was a huge step in my healing a very very painfull one but when I finally did it floored me. 

I say becarefull with the winner vs loser frame because it can bring unnecessary shame and is black and white thinking. 

[FracturedReality]

I say becarefull with the winner vs loser frame because it can bring unnecessary shame and is black and white thinking. 

Yeah, don't beat yourself up.


And if you're going to use "black and white" thinking, you did win. You're not with crazy anymore. It's just that you haven't realized you've won yet.

[sun seeker]

 Fractured is 100 percent correct my dude. 

Well have all felt  exactly as you do.

I changed my phone number immediately after our second b/u (recycle) and blocked anywAy she could contact me. (I did not do this after the first b/u)  it was bad ,  i recieved a ___ ton phone calls at all hours and several hundred text that where mostley insane a few where actually nice    after the second (last b/u ) I did  not have the feeling " I wish she would reach out " she can't.

All that Said  my dexBPDgf was the only female (she's no women) that I have ever WANTED to marry  until she showed me what she was truley about. (That would be her self). I thank god all the time for not marrying my  dexBPDgf. Especially after  reading threads from people that have married a BPDer.

These feelings should go away my dude. Hang in there.

[Maternus]

I'd like to share my experience. Yesterday was the 6th Month "anniversary" since my uBPDexgf broke up with me, because she already had a replacement lined up. In the first two months after the breakup I was waiting for her to contact me every day. In the next two months I was indifferent, sometimes I wanted her to contact me, sometimes I didn't. But in the last two month, I was thankful for every day that passes without her contacting me. Her birthday has passed and there was no contact. I had a kind of panic on her birthday and the following days, that she will contact me to ask, why I didn't contact her on her birthday. But everything was quiet and calm. The only mutual friend we had is on my side, so her smearing campaign doesn't bother me. I'm out of her life - but not out of my life. And there's a lot of stuff I carry from my FOO with me, I have to deal with. Loving her was a lesson, now I have to do my homework.

[Invictus01]

You win by saving yourself. Here is what my therapist told me at the end of my first session with her - "I know it is probably tough to see it this way right now, but in a way she did you a favor. I see people come out of years of relationships like this (I was with her only 6 months) and they end up totally emotionally destroyed" You won big, you just don't see it yet.

[FlyingAway]

while still in the relationship and moved cross country to immediately enter into a new relationship with him, lying that she was leaving me to find her independence and own identity.

Mine, too, HeldFast. Nearly 6 months now since I initiated N/C, there has been no attempt (unless a few No Caller ID calls can be attributed to her, since I blocked her from my phone, Facebook, and my email account) by either of us at contact.

I'm glad she moved across the country, "to find her independence (new persona/identity)." Now I don't have to see her or run into her. Not knowing what she's doing is a weight lifted from my shoulders. The time apart has been good for me, and has given me time and space to heal. I have no idea whether the guy she found there before she left town is still with her. That's good. Based on what I've read in these great boards, I suspect it won't last long. She'll struggle, and she'll miss me when this new relationship is revealed for what it is (he's a married man who lives in the same small community he's lived in all of his life). It's a VERY small world there.

In the meantime, I'm working on my own stuff, and feel stronger every day. She is fading into a memory. The same will happen for you. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and do something positive for your emotional and spiritual health every day. You'll thank yourself when you find the self that fell apart when your BPD left.

[Heldfast]

Thank you all for the support. There are days I don't care as much, but then these waves come and crash on me... .if I could just hold the anger long enough to push the rest out, I'd be fine. But it turns to pity so often.

[louisnorman]

I know how you feel, my wife did the same thing to me last year on my birth day. We were separated at the time but working things out. She ignored me and went out with someone else. I have finally come to believe that those who suffer from BPD do not care or know how to care about anyone but them self. She is back in treatment and I here the same song and dance, I am done!

[Loosestrife]

Occassions seem to be BPDs favourite time to cause chaos. Belated birthday wishes. Hope you treat yourself to something nice

[Infared]

Yesterday was my birthday, was certain she would contact me, but nope nothing. My BPDexfiancee set up a replacement, and cheated, while still in the relationship and moved cross country to immediately enter into a new relationship with him, lying that she was leaving me to find her independence and own identity. She is in touch with a few of our mutual friends though, who don't really get it, or are just tired of it all anyway, but they think she's happy. I think it's just another cycle of the game. But her not contacting me is strengthening my resolve to accept that I cannot help someone who doesn't want help. I do not like the thought of someone I love, and I do still feel love, being set up for such a path in life. However, she is not mine. She has given herself to someone else (based on nothing, that hurts). She is not geographically available, she is no contact. I wanted so much for her to reach out just a little. I wish we could beat this disease so badly, I want the woman I loved back. I hate that she became, in what felt like the blink of an eye, a cold, lying, cheating b___.              

Yes... .mine did exactly the same in that she started a relationship behind my back and ran off to it... .lying that there was anyone else... .one of the times I talked to her (still denying that she is in a new relationship), she is going on about how "being out on her own is good for her." Her comments were lies AND delusional as I believed she believed what she was saying at the time?

Heldfast, I lived with my ex for 5 years and loved her dearly... .and then I experienced that ABRUPT change, just like you. It was as if she became demon possessed overnight. The thing that started to ground me a little is when I actually let is sink into my brain that this person has an extreme personality disorder... .and I believe the "person" that I loved was not really her... .it was just the mirroring and attaching... .this other personality (her childhood damage), was always right there below the service running the show, full of rage. We loved a ghost... .that is why it could disappear in the wink of an eye... .it wasn't really "her".

[DyingLove]

Yesterday was my birthday, was certain she would contact me, but nope nothing. My BPDexfiancee set up a replacement, and cheated, while still in the relationship and moved cross country to immediately enter into a new relationship with him, lying that she was leaving me to find her independence and own identity. She is in touch with a few of our mutual friends though, who don't really get it, or are just tired of it all anyway, but they think she's happy. I think it's just another cycle of the game. But her not contacting me is strengthening my resolve to accept that I cannot help someone who doesn't want help. I do not like the thought of someone I love, and I do still feel love, being set up for such a path in life. However, she is not mine. She has given herself to someone else (based on nothing, that hurts). She is not geographically available, she is no contact. I wanted so much for her to reach out just a little. I wish we could beat this disease so badly, I want the woman I loved back. I hate that she became, in what felt like the blink of an eye, a cold, lying, cheating b___.             

Happy birthday heldfast.

I certainly started choking up reading your post. In fact I'm choking up writing this too. It really sums it up the last portion of your post, because there is love and anger. I hate this BPD thing too. I miss what I had. But I don't miss the hell. I guess we can't have our cake and eat it also. I'm sorry for you, I'm sorry for me, I'm sorry for everyone. Nine in the morning is definitely too early to be crying.