Please help me be strong in leaving.

[wishfulthinking]

I'm waiting on my lawyer to call me and tell me we are ready to file the papers for divorce.  We are also either filing for exclusive occupancy with an immediate hearing (which will remove my BPDh from my house, which I have owned for 13 years and he has lived in around 2 years) or a restraining order/kickout order.  Either way gets him out of my house, but one will allow him to contact me.  I'm TIRED of the drama, the lies, the non-contributing to bills or working sporadically while telling me work is picking up and "2 more weeks!" over and over again, the non-bending treatment of my daughter, and lastly, the abuse.  I've been through the rages, the sleep deprivation, the name calling, the gaslighting, the physical abuse that started with an arm grab, then a shove, then a push, then holding me down, blocking my way out, popping me in the mouth, smacking my face.  So many instances of these things that I don't know what I was thinking staying as long as I did. 

BUT... .

Then there's the nice, sweet man I married, who shows up daily for a bit where he packs my lunch, spray paints sweet things in the snow for the whole world to see, holds me sweetly, tells me how much he loves me, fits together perfectly with me... .but it doesn't last.  There's always SOMETHING.  But it's made it hard to break free.  Please remind me I'm doing the right thing.

[fromheeltoheal]

Good for you for moving forward with taking care of yourself wishful!

Please remind me I'm doing the right thing.

If you were to focus on what you want and need in a relationship, and what a healthy relationship is, and then focus on whether or not your husband could meet those wants and needs sustainably, what would the answer be?  The key is sustainably, and it's easy to get our hopes and dreams tied up in little tidbits of affection and normalcy, and then spend time grasping for more, feeling the scarcity and the need, been there, but that's all we'll be able to get from someone with an unstable personality, tidbits.  We usually have a conflict between our heart and our head at times like this, and it's important to follow your head; your heart will catch up once your head does what's right.  Take care of you!

[wishfulthinking]

Thank you, fromheeltoheal!

Exactly what I needed.  he can never be the person I met, the person I need, the person I though he was inside.  It's only about me when he deems it ok or when it's superficial, the little things.  The major things that matter always come at price.  Thank you for letting me know my heart will follow, because my heart is completely destroyed right now.

[Luckyfella]

Wishfulthinking,

Just focus on the physical abuse aspect of your relationship to break free. Physical abuse continues or worsens once it starts. My ex fiancée started with grab/push and it worsened. I tried to talk to her rationally to stop but she never did. I still have scars on my arms from her clawing. I was in denial until I broke free and realized how bad it was.

You are doing the right thing.

[Tyrwhitt]

What you're doing takes courage and is likely to be the biggest emotional roller coaster you can experience.  But believe that you will get through it and ride the bad days out (even if you sleep, cry, get all that out) and focus on the better ones (what changes will you make, what will bring laughter back).  One of the hardest things that the mind does is throw up the 'good times' memory which then makes the 'bad times' memory seem less painful and this brings confusion however firmly resolved you are in reality.  Ride it out, you'll learn a lot along the way and always, always be kind to yourself.  Surround yourself with supportive friends and take only the snippets of advice from them that you think are relevant, each friend will have an opinion and it's the combination of their support and objective thinking that might assist you in moulding your actions.

Remind yourself that you're not alone.  I've read and read threads without posting for months whilst I get through divorce after 20 years married (I'm not there yet).  I have bad days and good days.  I keep calm and think before I act and it takes a whole heap of energy.  I love my husband still, and my 'good times' memories remind me that we once seemed to feel so connected together.  My reality memory reminds me that very quickly after we were married, it became about him and his mood swings, then years of me trying to manage those mood swings, the depression, trying to fix and make him happy.  I remember the first time he swore at me and how I excused that, but over the years, he swore at me more and more and then in public.  In the past few years, I have had the threats, the pushes, the fear and I know that it's no life for me and he needs a life he can feel free (whether that materialises, who knows). 

I gave up my soul to him for a very long time and it's hard to remember that it was mine.  Keep hold of yours tight, we're all holding your hand here and you will be okay.