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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: did I subconsciously push her away ?  (Read 1409 times)
dobie
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« on: April 04, 2015, 10:52:22 AM »

I was thinking on things and the last year or so some of her accusations were correct

I pretty much got fed up of trying to have sex (and getting turned down )

I stopped wanting to sleep in the same bed as her (hearing her rage or throw me out )

I never kissed her passionately nor wanted to (the thought of it makes me feel angry)

I spent money on my hobbies rather than saving for our wedding (this drove her crazy)

I preferred to lay on a separate couch than sit next to her

I had lots of inklings she was going to leave now she had friends (pushed to back of mind )

I never tried to get her back after she told me her feelings had changed and she wanted time to think I just raged and stormed off then dumped her via email  ... .normally when we rowed and she threatened to leave I'd go begging and convincing

On the other hand I loved spending all my free time with her 


Was I trying to detach ?

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Luckyfella

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« Reply #1 on: April 04, 2015, 11:57:55 AM »

I use to blame myself during her rages/accusations and after the breakup but then realized that I can never please her, no matter how hard I tried. Her unrealistic expectations and constant projections made me feel like a failure and I just gave up at the end. Don't blame yourself, it was a no win situation, we all put 110% with no success.
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dobie
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« Reply #2 on: April 04, 2015, 12:28:06 PM »

I use to blame myself during her rages/accusations and after the breakup but then realized that I can never please her, no matter how hard I tried. Her unrealistic expectations and constant projections made me feel like a failure and I just gave up at the end. Don't blame yourself, it was a no win situation, we all put 110% with no success.

Yeah I'm just wondering if I was distancing if I was pushing her away sparking the abadonment fear ? But yes she was never content happy perhaps but content and at peace never .
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #3 on: April 04, 2015, 12:46:37 PM »

I was thinking on things and the last year or so some of her accusations were correct

I pretty much got fed up of trying to have sex (and getting turned down )

I stopped wanting to sleep in the same bed as her (hearing her rage or throw me out )

I never kissed her passionately nor wanted to (the thought of it makes me feel angry)

I spent money on my hobbies rather than saving for our wedding (this drove her crazy)

I preferred to lay on a separate couch than sit next to her

I had lots of inklings she was going to leave now she had friends (pushed to back of mind )

I never tried to get her back after she told me her feelings had changed and she wanted time to think I just raged and stormed off then dumped her via email  ... .normally when we rowed and she threatened to leave I'd go begging and convincing

On the other hand I loved spending all my free time with her  


Was I trying to detach ?

It sounds like you were trying to protect yourself (emotionally) in the face of her chaotic behavior. That's understandable.

It also sounds like you're struggling with the idea that the things you did caused the end of the r/s; I just replied to someone else's post on that very topic (because I struggled with that question as well.)  Maybe it will help you: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=274410.msg12600958#msg12600958
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dobie
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« Reply #4 on: April 04, 2015, 12:55:48 PM »

Makes sense jkhbuzz

Thank you , I think I knew what was coming so I was detaching and resentful none of my needs were being met .

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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #5 on: April 04, 2015, 01:06:37 PM »

Makes sense jkhbuzz

Thank you , I think I knew what was coming so I was detaching and resentful none of my needs were being met .

I grew resentful when I started realizing that very few of my needs were being met, too. Now I'm working on figuring out why I wanted the r/s if that was the case. Has a lot to do with her vulnerability and my need to "protect" her, I think. I'm still working on that one... .
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dobie
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« Reply #6 on: April 04, 2015, 01:36:49 PM »

Makes sense jkhbuzz

Thank you , I think I knew what was coming so I was detaching and resentful none of my needs were being met .

I grew resentful when I started realizing that very few of my needs were being met, too. Now I'm working on figuring out why I wanted the r/s if that was the case. Has a lot to do with her vulnerability and my need to "protect" her, I think. I'm still working on that one... .

For me it was a plethora of issues "narcisitic ego extension " she was younger and more successful , dependency , and a problem solver issue with myself and do t forget to add in a dash of low self esteem
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #7 on: April 04, 2015, 02:57:24 PM »

Makes sense jkhbuzz

Thank you , I think I knew what was coming so I was detaching and resentful none of my needs were being met .

I grew resentful when I started realizing that very few of my needs were being met, too. Now I'm working on figuring out why I wanted the r/s if that was the case. Has a lot to do with her vulnerability and my need to "protect" her, I think. I'm still working on that one... .

For me it was a plethora of issues "narcisitic ego extension " she was younger and more successful , dependency , and a problem solver issue with myself and do t forget to add in a dash of low self esteem

Yeah, I'm a problem solver too.  I'm trying to figure out if I had self esteem issues before the r/s, though... .I definitely had them after the (8 year) r/s.
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dobie
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« Reply #8 on: April 04, 2015, 03:04:37 PM »

Makes sense jkhbuzz

Thank you , I think I knew what was coming so I was detaching and resentful none of my needs were being met .

I grew resentful when I started realizing that very few of my needs were being met, too. Now I'm working on figuring out why I wanted the r/s if that was the case. Has a lot to do with her vulnerability and my need to "protect" her, I think. I'm still working on that one... .

For me it was a plethora of issues "narcisitic ego extension " she was younger and more successful , dependency , and a problem solver issue with myself and do t forget to add in a dash of low self esteem

Yeah, I'm a problem solver too.  I'm trying to figure out if I had self esteem issues before the r/s, though... .I definitely had them after the (8 year) r/s.n

Yeah tell me about it I still curse the day she contacted me on FB and started her campaign to "win me" .

6 years of stress , minimal sex and affection and at the end I'm left broke , I've aged 5 years lost my size and strength and am in therapy Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I should have used my problem solving skills to stand by my desicion to dump her three months in .
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mitatsu
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« Reply #9 on: April 04, 2015, 03:08:41 PM »

Excerpt
Yeah tell me about it I still curse the day she contacted me on FB and started her campaign to "win me" .

6 years of stress , minimal sex and affection and at the end I'm left broke , I've aged 5 years lost my size and strength and am in therapy Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Thats my story! it seems there must be a Bpd store that sells scripts to them 
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dobie
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« Reply #10 on: April 04, 2015, 03:10:55 PM »

Excerpt
Yeah tell me about it I still curse the day she contacted me on FB and started her campaign to "win me" .

6 years of stress , minimal sex and affection and at the end I'm left broke , I've aged 5 years lost my size and strength and am in therapy Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Thats my story! it seems there must be a Bpd store that sells scripts to them 

Lol someone told me something he said "god punished you by bringing her into your life but you suffered enough and he loves you so he took her away "
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Confused?
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« Reply #11 on: April 04, 2015, 05:43:28 PM »

Dobie, this is probably the biggest thing I struggled with post break up. I felt guilty like I was the reason she sought someone else or needed more. Truth is I felt exactly like you. Run down to the point that sex became meaningless and I almost didn't want to be around her. But it wasn't because of me. I didn't change. The only thing that changed with me was that I was tired. Tired of putting up with her bs. Tired of her not wanting to get better. Tired because no matter how many times I said she looked pretty or I loved her it didn't matter. Don't beat yourself up. People that love one another stick through the worst of times with eachother because that's what they do. You and everyone else here did your best. Nothing you could have done would have changed anything. There is a reason why BPD clearly states a history of unstable relationships.
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dobie
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« Reply #12 on: April 04, 2015, 06:14:14 PM »

Dobie, this is probably the biggest thing I struggled with post break up. I felt guilty like I was the reason she sought someone else or needed more. Truth is I felt exactly like you. Run down to the point that sex became meaningless and I almost didn't want to be around her. But it wasn't because of me. I didn't change. The only thing that changed with me was that I was tired. Tired of putting up with her bs. Tired of her not wanting to get better. Tired because no matter how many times I said she looked pretty or I loved her it didn't matter. Don't beat yourself up. People that love one another stick through the worst of times with eachother because that's what they do. You and everyone else here did your best. Nothing you could have done would have changed anything. There is a reason why BPD clearly states a history of unstable relationships.

I hope for her sake she is BPD because if not she has no soul ! She recently put up pictures of her in the states and made them public (that was to be where we went on our honey moon)

Why in the name of god am I still missing this woman she is at best I'll at worst evil
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Turkish
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« Reply #13 on: April 04, 2015, 09:04:42 PM »

I remember a point where I was tired of the bs as Confused? said. I thought,."there's no way I will ever have peace with this woman. Retiring into old age? No way." Then I thought, she's going to pick up on my feelings. This is something fundamental. I give the r/s 5-7 more years, tops." It took about a year. I even encouraged her to start a seperate retirement account, because I thought it would be fair to leave her with nothing. After basically throwing it into my lap to figure out what to do to make her happy, I didn't. Then. She started going out (later telling me I should have asked her to stay home, and I really think she would have). And she met the replacement.

Was I being passive-aggressive? Asserting boundaries? Tired of being her Parent, even though I sought out such a r/s in the first place? Probably all of the above.
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