possible reconnection attempt: ex is at the local bar

[raisins3142]

I think this quote might be fitting:

“I saw someone peeing in Jermym Street the other day. I thought, is this the end of civilization as we know it? Or is it simply someone peeing in Jermyn Street?”


― Alan Bennett


This is kind of ironic because I just snarkily stated in another thread that I was going to walk down to the local pub to prove to myself there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Well, before I go out to either of the 2 pubs in walking distance of my house, I have a little ritual: I drive by my ex's best friend's house that is just a few blocks from me and located near where my ex knows I sometimes go.  Also, it is so close and on the main drag that I will sometimes have to drive by and I'll glance over. (so this doesn't appear as stalkerish as it might appear to those in the know (you guys I'm admitting this to) (?) because she lives on a highly trafficked road that runs down the center of town and is the main travel corridor, so I don't worry about them seeing me driving by)

This best friend is the one that introduced us and she seems cluster b, like my ex.

Well, I drive by and there is my ex's car.  She lives 45 minutes away.  I then drive by the bar that I left the night we broke up and was also the scene of other dramas, and the best friend's car is there.  So, they are in there right now.  I'm staying in tonight as a result.

After our break up, I saw these same signs a few weeks after.  Then nothing for a while.  Now, this is the 3rd week in a row that I know of that her car has been there and they've been at that bar.  She might have been there more often.  She has not attempted contact via email which is the only place she is not absolutely blocked (her emails are sent to trash but I get a notification, which is a dumb feature I can't change).

So, I don't know what to think or whether to think about it at all.  So many possible scenarios:

a. she isn't thinking of me at all and she is just visiting he friend and then going out for a drink

b. she wants to meet up with me to show me any new man she might have, act scandalous in front of me, tell me off, ignore me on purpose, show me she is over me and strong, or attempt to talk/recycle/etc

Who knows.

All I know is that I don't like her being 3 blocks away.  I'll try to let it go but I'll likely have a distracted night as a result of this.

I'm kind of in a bind because if I want no contact then I need to avoid her, but doing these drivebys when considering going out for an evening is a form of contact.  These drivebys seem a bit obsessive (even though they don't happen very often) and I don't like that, but I absolutely do not want to run into her.  So it is a form of self protection.  Either that or never go back to either place.


Thoughts?  Similar experiences?

[4Years5Months]

I feel like if she wanted you to know that she was there, she would somehow notify you.  Or take a photo there and post it on Facebook and make it public... .something.

You think she is only there on the off chance you may show up?  I mean if it's her best friend's house, she's probably going to keep going to see her best friend from time to time.

[raisins3142]

I feel like if she wanted you to know that she was there, she would somehow notify you.  Or take a photo there and post it on Facebook and make it public... .something.

You think she is only there on the off chance you may show up?  I mean if it's her best friend's house, she's probably going to keep going to see her best friend from time to time.

True.  But going to the best friend's house and then deciding to go to the bar that we met at and that we broke up outside of and that she knows I go to from time to time, and 3 times in 3 weeks at least (after nothing for months).  Which is 45 minute drive for her and involves an overnight stay due to drinking.  I'm not being argumentative just pleading my biases I suppose!

I don't look at her facebook or anything else public from her.  She very well could be posting things on there and I'd never know.  She knows I deactivated my facebook account after we broke up.

The only way she could directly notify me would be through email, knock on my door, or go through a mutual friend that is not blocked.  My gut is that since I broke things off and then went no contact unilaterally, that she would feel ashamed to bother me there when I am not showing any interest, but being at the same bar adds a layer of happenstance and plausible deniability perhaps.  I've also blocked her from my google+ connected to my email when she started sharing things with me because I was not returning/writing emails.

[4Years5Months]

My ex and I recycled six times.  FIVE of the times involved me contacting her, breaking NC.  Each time I did, she claimed she had missed me and wanted to talk to me, but felt like she shouldn't have, that it would be selfish to do so.  The last recycle she would comment on Facebook statuses that I would comment on (mutual friends), and then like my comments.  She's doing that again right now, but not reaching out to me.  I think she wants me to contact her, but I'm not going to do that, because I know she's seeing someone and would maybe reject me, or at least triangulate.

My point is - she isn't sending clear signals, just like your ex, but it is enough to make me think about her actions.  Your ex probably knows you will drive by and see her car.  Maybe she wants you to go in and "bump" into her.  But you know, the easiest thing she could do is simply try to reach out to you.  It sure is a lot of effort if her motives are to try and get your attention.

You seem to have really blocked her out of your life, and haven't answered when she has tried to contact you in the past, correct?  I mean, if that's the case, I would say she got the message and is just spending time with a friend.  First time in months?  My ex does that too, has quick spurts of constant hanging out with friends, then it trickles off, like a BPDer does - can't maintain a close friendship.  I think that is what your ex is doing - spending time with a friend.  I would bet in a month, you won't be seeing her car anymore.