One Week Out. I don't think I can make it.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So me and my exBPDgf broke up last week. We have been having some problems lately and I believe she is dysregulating. She was talking to other guys and becomes pretty promiscious. I can handle a lot of things but cheating isn't one of them. So I pulled the trigger and said I wanted to break up. We had one conversation afterward where I had explained that I have been reading and doing research on BPD (sometimes the more I read the more I wanna run and never deal with it.) BPD gets a bad reputation and I am not sure how I feel about it.

Back to the story so I pulled the trigger and we had one conversation afterward which was pretty much along the lines of " I know the mask, I am seeing it again with how you act with other people now." I loved her when we first met, but I also fell in love with the girl under the mask, and the problems and everything. So I am confused now, some time has passed and I worry that her dysregulation is over and she is ready to be normal again. However I have asked her about therapy together and separate and she is still in denial. The denial bit is a problem and I don't know how to fix that. I am trying to not contact her but when she acts this way I feel horrid.

I know I feel I can save her but she can only save herself. I'm not sure what to do. Is it worth another go around? Ugh... .

[NycNiceGuy]

So me and my exBPDgf broke up last week. We have been having some problems lately and I believe she is dysregulating. She was talking to other guys and becomes pretty promiscious. I can handle a lot of things but cheating isn't one of them. So I pulled the trigger and said I wanted to break up. We had one conversation afterward where I had explained that I have been reading and doing research on BPD (sometimes the more I read the more I wanna run and never deal with it.) BPD gets a bad reputation and I am not sure how I feel about it.

Back to the story so I pulled the trigger and we had one conversation afterward which was pretty much along the lines of " I know the mask, I am seeing it again with how you act with other people now." I loved her when we first met, but I also fell in love with the girl under the mask, and the problems and everything. So I am confused now, some time has passed and I worry that her dysregulation is over and she is ready to be normal again. However I have asked her about therapy together and separate and she is still in denial. The denial bit is a problem and I don't know how to fix that. I am trying to not contact her but when she acts this way I feel horrid.

I know I feel I can save her but she can only save herself. I'm not sure what to do. Is it worth another go around? Ugh... .

[NycNiceGuy]

And I also know that I wanted to break it all off to get out of there. However this small part of me did it to rattle the cage, and hopefully open her eyes to come back to me.

[hope2727]

You are not alone. At one week out I could barely draw breath. I hid in bed, ate ice cream and slept. Literally slept for weeks. Read and post here. Get your rest. Eat heathy foods. Sooth your soul. You are going to be ok. One way or another you have to be ok. So put your own oxygen mask on first as you are no good to anyone else if you are a wreck. Just take the time to heal yourself. Once you a re your best self you will be able to be there for other people including her.   

[Mister Brightside]

Hi NycNiceGuy. I have tremendous compassion for what you are going through right now. While our situations are probably relatively different, our pain is the same. Today was two weeks of no contact for me, so I'm very much in your shoes. I don't want any of you to suffer, but knowing we're not alone in this, we can make it through these dark times together. Thankfully, I can get out of bed and go to work, but getting through the day while facing so many triggers is an extreme struggle.

You say "she is ready to be normal again." That would be good for you in the short term, but they can just as quickly be not-normal again, and you will go through this roller coaster time and time again.

A problem a lot of us here have is caring too much about others, and not enough about ourselves. The fact that she is promiscuous with other guys is an insult, and you shouldn't tolerate that by giving her more chances. If she wasn't in denial, I'd say cut her some slack, but she isn't going to take responsibility for her actions.

Quitting this kind of relationship (which experienced highs you may have never felt before) is like quitting an addictive drug. Going without the drug is going to feel horrific because our minds want that temporary high back. It hurts a lot now, but there will come a time when you are no longer addicted, and you will be living a happy life in a relationship that doesn't have the roller coasters.

[jhkbuzz]

So me and my exBPDgf broke up last week. We have been having some problems lately and I believe she is dysregulating. She was talking to other guys and becomes pretty promiscious. I can handle a lot of things but cheating isn't one of them. So I pulled the trigger and said I wanted to break up. We had one conversation afterward where I had explained that I have been reading and doing research on BPD (sometimes the more I read the more I wanna run and never deal with it.) BPD gets a bad reputation and I am not sure how I feel about it.

Back to the story so I pulled the trigger and we had one conversation afterward which was pretty much along the lines of " I know the mask, I am seeing it again with how you act with other people now." I loved her when we first met, but I also fell in love with the girl under the mask, and the problems and everything. So I am confused now, some time has passed and I worry that her dysregulation is over and she is ready to be normal again. However I have asked her about therapy together and separate and she is still in denial. The denial bit is a problem and I don't know how to fix that. I am trying to not contact her but when she acts this way I feel horrid.

I know I feel I can save her but she can only save herself. I'm not sure what to do. Is it worth another go around? Ugh... .

You're in a rough spot - the place where your head and your heart are telling you two different things.  I'm sorry, I've been there and I know how difficult it is.

BPD is a difficult issue to deal with in a relationship for sure - I can understand your reservations.  It sounds like you're taking on a lot of responsibility in the relationship - you know therapy is necessary and you recognize that she is resistant - but you somehow feel it's your responsibility to "fix" her resistance. That's not the case - if things are going to work you BOTH have to put the effort in. She has to be willing to work on things or no matter what you do the relationship won't last.

You said that when she dysregulates she talks to other guys and becomes promiscuous - my ex did the same. You said you can't live with this - and I understand because I couldn't live with it either.

Do you want "another go around" - particularly if things don't change?

[NycNiceGuy]

Last week I was feeling like a couldn't. But today... .I feel I can go one or two more.

[jhkbuzz]

Last week I was feeling like a couldn't. But today... .I feel I can go one or two more.

I know the feeling, but this is what I suspect:  you are in a tremendous amount of pain.  The problem is, you think you can find pain relief from the person who is causing your pain.  Doesn't make sense, does it?

I'm definitely not telling you what to do, but you would be wise to get very, very real with yourself - and decide, pragmatically, what you can live with.  If you want to keep working on the relationship you might want to check out the "staying" discussion boards, where people have a lot of experience trying to make a relationship work when partner has BPD.

Whatever you decide, we're here for you! 

[rg1976]

NiceGuy

I'm right there with you.  Why do we do this to ourselves? Love is a crazy thing isn't it?

I've been back and forth on the staying and leaving forums. I don't post much in staying, but I read it.  Something that I have found helpful is to seriously work on detaching.

I know it's not easy to do, and having knowledge about a situation and regulating your desires are two separate things.

The best you can do is work on yourself and be there for her as she allows. Remember, if you are going to continue to interact with her, then you have to be as strong as possible and be prepared for whatever it is that happens.

If she cheats and that means you're done, then prepare for the worst and detach yourself so the thought of it doesn't hurt anymore.  It will take time, but you have to take care of yourself first, or else you won't be able to help anyone else.

Morale of the story: Focus on being healthy yourself. Detach and do things to help yourself feel good about you, regardless of the relationship. You need that strength: especially if you are with her; so strengthen yourself mentally and physically.

Best,

Rg

[DyingLove]

You are not alone. At one week out I could barely draw breath. I hid in bed, ate ice cream and slept. Literally slept for weeks. Read and post here. Get your rest. Eat heathy foods. Sooth your soul. You are going to be ok. One way or another you have to be ok. So put your own oxygen mask on first as you are no good to anyone else if you are a wreck. Just take the time to heal yourself. Once you a re your best self you will be able to be there for other people including her.   

I'm taking this like you are talking to me.  I'm out of harms way since 3/19 and I've been a shambles.  I thought I would be stronger... .but I've got no power over these horrible feelings overcoming me in a "rollercoaster" fashion.  One day at a time... .this must be how learning to walk for a stroke survivor must be.

[Invictus01]

Everything will be alright in the end... .If it isn't alright, it isn't the end... .

[hope2727]

Everything will be alright in the end... .If it isn't alright, it isn't the end... .

I love that one.

[Inside]

NycNiceGuy, having experienced the same, beginning 3 years ago and finally ending just over a year ago, I have a difficult time not sharing my conclusions, even if they’re ‘just mine.’  BPD is permanent, it can’t be fixed.  What we experienced are mating rituals, played out over and over again throughout the lives of a pwBPD … as they are incapable of reaching or maintaining the level of adult commitment we are, thus return to what they do best, lure temporary mates.

You say "she is ready to be normal again." That would be good for you in the short term, but they can just as quickly be not-normal again, and you will go through this roller coaster time and time again.

I agree with M.B.  The best they can do is ‘play normal,’ but it’s exhausting; pretending to be who & what someone else wants is an unsustainable lie, no matter how well intentioned.  And when they dysregulate, anything goes…   

- you know therapy is necessary and you recognize that she is resistant - but you somehow feel it's your responsibility to "fix" her resistance. That's not the case - if things are going to work you BOTH have to put the effort in. She has to be willing to work on things or no matter what you do the relationship won't last.

Their behavior fits a pattern that will not be broken, it can’t.  And if she’s unwilling to seek treatment (treatment that is rarely followed through or ultimately useful), just as my BPDexgf, nothing will change.  I went seven rounds ... .including couples counseling…  Move away - there is no ‘closer’... .  You’ve been there, and it’s a powerful drug, but like all drugs - it’s unsustainable.

You said that when she dysregulates she talks to other guys and becomes promiscuous - my ex did the same. You said you can't live with this - and I understand because I couldn't live with it either.

... .me neither…  Those with BPD derive a massive amount of their self-worth from feeling desired by others - thus constantly seek connections that feed them.  ‘Turning it off’ in your presence places you in a position of limiting their wants & desires - thus you become resented, or painted black.  But as mentioned, they can only go so far in an adult r/s, so they hit the wall relatively soon, having been fueled by unsustainable behavior and passion… 

Another will always catch their eye, as they’re constantly searching for their mythical Knight or Princess.  Personally, I could not afford to invest in someone obviously incapable of sustaining a long-term r/s and so easily attracted to shiny objects

[jhkbuzz]

I saw a discussion thread early on in my healing that helped me (honestly) look at what I was facing.  I was in intense pain, completely torn up, loved her desperately, and wanted it to work.  As I debated whether there was any hope of healing for her, this is what I read:

Like others have said, the problem is that the disorder is their personality.

I don't think can be said enough. I think it's a problem that we keep viewing personality disorders as if they were diseases. We keep imagining that the pwBPD is a once healthy person that has at some point become "ill" and that can be reverted to the original "good" condition. I read hundreds of posts here of "nons" who believe exactly this, and I am afraid they are wasting their time.

I think this view comes from the notion that people are essentialy good, combined with the fact that BPD is treated by psychiatry as if it was cureable condition. You have to talk to an awful lot of people before someone even hints at the truth - that the patient IS the illness.

For me, this realization has given me a lot of peace, acceptance, and empathy.

It's like when we wonder things like, "which was the real him/her?" The truth is that it's all the real person. This is who they are. There's no "lost, scared little child" trapped inside just waiting to be rescued, while the Rager or the Casanova/Siren or the Waif or whatever possesses them. The splitting, gaslighting, push/pull, triangulation, etc., aren't just bad habits. This is their personality, which has been developing since birth, shaped by their experiences, and which is unlikely to change in any significant way now.

They are, like all of us, who they are. It's neither good nor bad -- it just is what it is.

In any sort of relationship, you have to evaluate whether or not you find the other person's personality compatible with yours. This can be problematic in the case of PDs, where we want to latch on to certain aspects as the "real" personality while denying other aspects. And that really doesn't seem fair to anyone involved.

[JPH]

To the original poster,

Congrats on one week. I know it's not easy. With more time you will rediscover yourself as you heal from the throes of BPD. I completely lost myself in the process of propping up my ex-BPD girlfriend. I spent so much of my time and energy trying to keep her happy (or at least stable) that I was totally lost when she left me. However, with no contact came peace and quiet. And restful sleep. And reconnecting with old friends. And better health. And eventually happiness. You know what to expect if you go back. I can assure you that you'd only get more of the same. Keep looking forward. It's the best thing you can do for yourself. Godspeed.

[Inside]

I'm taking this like you are talking to me.  I'm out of harms way since 3/19 and I've been a shambles.  I thought I would be stronger... .but I've got no power over these horrible feelings overcoming me in a "rollercoaster" fashion.  One day at a time... .this must be how learning to walk for a stroke survivor must be.

... .breaks my heart to be reminded of that stuff, too   And though I’ve some cold, if hard-learned views of BPD, it doesn't mean I am or was immune to the pain of lost love  Actually, what’s fueled me to learn more about BPD is in large part to sooth my sorrow…  

To expound on my previous post, it’s not us.  Yes, there may be something broken, off, or missing within ‘our personalities’ that draw us toward unstable others.  And if we can figure that out, this may be of benefit.  I’ve witnessed some amazingly loving individuals broken to pieces by a pattern of behavior that kept us so busy attempting to repair it that we gave more than we could afford.  Nothing wrong with that - in the right circumstances that's the ‘stuff’ that solves problems and prolongs life!  ... .but little did we know, as we were swept off our feet ... .that we were attempting to fix something that by it’s very nature periodically destroys itself

I’m convinced pwBPD target extremely well.  :)escribed as a generous, compassionate and good person by others, my BPDexgf figured that out as well.  Aggressive narcissistic types wouldn’t glance back at the smallest problems of a pwBPD…  But they figure we will.  And we do.  As not to keep qualifying my conclusions with ... qualifiers, I’m going to state them as ‘fact.’  Here are some observations and conclusions:

They are messed up from birth, it’s a brain disorder.  Childhood trauma is often initiated by them, if seeking validation in seductive ways.  Their vision is near, concentrating on personal interactions as opposed to larger earthy concepts.  Their patterns repeat.  Their limits remain, increasing with age.  Their self-worth is measured by their effect on others, both positive & negative.  They want and seek love, but don’t understand it’s meaning.  When they reach the extent of their r/s capabilities, they leave.  They always leave (there are co-dependant r/s in which they feel more comfortable, but they can’t do healthy).  They know they’re seriously flawed but deathly afraid & ashamed to let it be known.  They love us, for as long as they can.  When they can’t, they blame us.  

There are a multitude of ways a pwBPD navigates life.  Each romance gives them hope of normalcy and their only tastes of love.  We experience everything at once, often our every desire!  They recklessly feed, and feed on our desires.  They live vicariously through our passion ... .and we are hooked.  ... .they get bored, it’s not ‘their passion.’  And as we’re in the thick of romance, they’re looking... ... they’re always looking, it’s their drug, too.  What I’ve noticed, when it’s the hottest, they’re aglow, and so are we.  But - they’re glowing for others - while we’re glowing for them…

I lost friends, close friends from the two-timing treachery of my BPx ... yet I think of her daily…  It’s not us, not really.  If so, a tiny smidgen.  And I think it’s a sweet smidgen!  So I’m not gonna recommend we look to delete what drew them to us, especially if it was compassion, or naivety.  Yah, we’ll need to remain aware of their ways, but that’s no problem now

So those are my current conclusion.  We need to move away cautiously.  Make no further ties.  Bore them.  Figure out what happened - and how to avoid it.  ... .then get ready for normal … as in life without drugs.  

but first ... .withdrawal!  After that … a renewed appreciation of the ‘little things’ of normalcy.  And after we begin to recognize those little things again, we'll so appreciate the amazingly deep and intricate feelings and desires of a healthy partner, and their ability to grow with us forever.  The ‘little things’ will pile up - into a mountain of beauty!  And we won’t just admire it - we’ll roll down it and bore through it  Why?  Because we can, we’ve that ability!  - and when we’re not expending every ounce of our energy F-ing around with Humpty-Dumpty and a bottle of water-soluble glue - we can get to the bricks & mortar part of building a healthy and lasting r/s with a worthy mate

[apollotech]

"... .I know the mask, I am seeing it again with how you act with other people now." I loved her when we first met, but I also fell in love with the girl under the mask, and the problems and everything. So I am confused now, some time has passed and I worry that her dysregulation is over and she is ready to be normal again. However I have asked her about therapy together and separate and she is still in denial. The denial bit is a problem and I don't know how to fix that. I am trying to not contact her but when she acts this way I feel horrid.

I know I feel I can save her but she can only save herself. I'm not sure what to do. Is it worth another go around? Ugh... ."

By your writing I am not sure that you're making a realistic assessment of the situation. It seems that you are trying, to some degree, to seperate her from her disorder. The thing about a personality disorder is that it is them, it is their personality. Her being "ready to be normal again" is a misnomer; without the proper therapy she will never, in the long run, approach normalcy, and that's only if the therapy is successful. As I understand it, even with successful therapy they are never free of BPD. There is no cure, only treatment.

Rather than trying to assess a future with her based upon her possible future wellness/self, see her as she is now. As she is, is she someone that you can have a life with? Will a relationship with her enrich your life? Will you enrich her life in said relationship? Is she trustworthy? Will there be peace, stability with her? Will she take responsibility for her actions? Etc. She is who she is now. You are correct, only she can "save herself"; likewise, you cannot "fix" her denial of who she is. Take care of yourself as you ponder your future.