When the BPDer is the rescuer with the replacement...

[4Years5Months]

My exBPDgf recently broke up with me for the seventh time.  My replacement is the security guard at her work.  A security guard she previously devalued to me quite strongly several months ago.  Personal comments about his intellect, his appearance, and his life choices (Christian and Republican, two things she is definitely not and doesn't associate with).  At that time, I believe she felt that way.  But now he was an option to attach and fill the void after me, so while I cannot fathom how she could, values wise, be with someone like him, I see why in a way.

Here is what makes this interesting to me - he was married to his high school sweetheart until last month.  His wife filed for divorce.  She dumped him.  Two weeks later, there he was with my ex on Facebook, cheek to cheek.  I do not believe he cheated with her, and I do not think she cheated on me with him.  I think she had him lined up as a replacement, but didn't consummate anything until I was officially gone.  She began to detach from me in late January... .his wife filed for divorce mid-February.  I'm sure they were broken up for a while before that.  I can see how she feared abandonment with me, and was drawn to him - and felt okay ending it with me.

With all that said, we can probably imagine how my ex's state of mind is as a BPDer.  But she has attached to a guy who JUST separated from his wife.  What are HIS motives?  It's essentially a double rebound relationship.  If she is looking to be rescued as "the victim"... .how can that be if she's with a guy who needs the same thing?  Saving each other?  Can my BPDex actually enjoy the fact that he may need her?  I'm sure he's quite happy to have someone who seemingly finds him perfect and will sleep with him right off the bat.  I can't imagine my ex looking at the situation and being okay with it, but she jumped in.

I guess my overall question is... .this can't be healthy for either of them, correct?

[fromheeltoheal]

this can't be healthy for either of them, correct?

Well, I can see how you it might be validating for you if it wasn't healthy for them, but hard to say.  My hallucination is if the guy was married and got dumped he was probably in emotional pain, so he talked to your ex at work about it.  They developed an emotional connection, think attachment for a borderline, and as it grew with time, and you had a bunch of recycles with her, every one of which weakens the trust and the attachment, so this guy was in pain and susceptible, she felt a stronger attachment forming with him than the beat-up one she had with you, so she jumped ship.  Now if you guys recycled a bunch your relationship sounds drama-filled, common with chaos-comfortable borderlines, and the guy is in heavy transition with being divorced by his high school sweetheart, so who knows, I'd say the chances are slim for long-term bliss, but you never know, maybe there are are sunsets and string music in their future long term, or maybe this is just a transition for him and another letdown for her.

So 4years, you've been around here for what, 10 months or so?  How's it going with your detachment?  What's next for you?  What's different about this breakup than the other 6?

[4Years5Months]

Of the seven breakups, the first four were short term, only a week or two.  I feel that she was testing me to see if I would leave her.  The fifth one, I didn't beg for her to take me back, and she met a guy at college and within six days slept with him and was staying over almost every night, Facebook photos, etc.  She recycled me back in after a month when she decided he was a dependent boy who had no ambition (I'm 32, Bachelor's degree, professional management job).  :)uring that replacement phase, I talked to a counselor who suggested BPD.  I was reading up on it when the recycle happened.

About 8 months later, she left me again and had a co-worker lined up, different than the guy now.  Again, same age as her (25), dependent boy, but naive and inexperienced like the guy at college.  He had also gone to college with her, befriended her, and then applied at her job and was hired.  I can see how she was flattered.  That is when I started posting here.

There was triangulation with me vs. him for about a month, then I stopped putting up with it and cut her off,  She promptly took a weekend vacation with him and slept with him.  She stated she immediately regretted it and a week later literally sobbed on her couch and begged me to take her back.  She had never been so regretful - with the other replacement guy, she would defend her actions - this time she was full of remorse.  I took her back.

We went to New York on vacation in December (her family paid for it all as a graduation present) and it was nearly perfect.  Apparently, too perfect.  We came back and she became distant.  I figure this is when current Mr. Replacement was having marital problems, but I don't know for sure.  Given her past behaviors, my tolerance is nearly zero, and many arguments ensue.  She apologizes, but never tries nor explains how she will stop treating me terribly.  Everything out of her mouth is a complaint about her life.  I leave her alone for two weeks.  She doesn't attempt contact.  I invite her out to lunch, and she breaks up with me.  She was fearing abandonment.  Three weeks later, she was with my current replacement.

My current detachment dilemma is I can't imagine her (A) being with this guy and (B) being okay with the situation - just separated from his wife, guy she couldn't stand six months ago, etc.  He's also the security guard at her work, she is the marketing manager.  Another person with little ambition or accomplishment.  The other two replacements, at least I could see what she saw in them.

I've had NC for nearly two months now.  It took a while for the feeling of talking to her all day, every day to go away.  It was constant and intense.  And exhausting.  I struggle with how she could need me so much (and say I was the only person she felt comfortable around) and then go off with such a complicated guy.  I have been reconnecting with friends, most of them female, whom I was chastised for talking to when I was with my ex - jealousy.  It feels freeing.  I've been on a couple of dates with one of them, and I'm taking it VERY SLOWLY.  It's quite the change from my ex.

I've heard through mutual friends that my ex is posting negative comments about her life on Facebook, which is typical for her, but she had been happy as can be with my replacement for a while.  Now she posts about crying, and fighting with someone.  It's obvious who that someone is.

I do not want her back.  But I want that closure.  So yes, fromheeltoheal, I guess the point of this thread is for someone to validate that yeah, this situation with the replacement doesn't seem healthy.  I want to see it fail.  Then she can go date 40 guys in 40 months - but it won't be the guy she felt she could replace me with.

[fromheeltoheal]

But I want that closure.  So yes, fromheeltoheal, I guess the point of this thread is for someone to validate that yeah, this situation with the replacement doesn't seem healthy.  I want to see it fail.  Then she can go date 40 guys in 40 months - but it won't be the guy she felt she could replace me with.

Yeah, I get it.  Rebound relationships can be healthy, as long as folks are open and honest going in, and some of them last, most of them were just the shelter from the storm someone was wanting and needing at the time.  But with one of the partners having a personality disorder, that throws a wrench in the works, as I'm sure you know with her, and it seems she goes through a lot of men, as borderline women do.  I can see her being the listening ear to someone in pain, as she developed an attachment, but now that she has him, and seems to be reverting to focusing on herself and her problems, what was once shelter from the storm for this guy has become it's own hurricane, and out of the frying pan and into the fire may not be a path he's thrilled about.

[4Years5Months]

He's not very mature - my ex told me that when she was devaluing him, and from what I have seen on her Facebook, yup, he certainly isn't.  He comments all over her profile, and everything is a snarky joke.  He is also making innuendo laden comments about their sex life (example - she posted about a "sexy beer" she was trying, he commented ":)id you enjoy the sexy (his name) last night, too?" which I would never do, of course.

(She unfriended me on Facebook, but mutual friends have given me details.  I know that isn't usually healthy for detachment, but it has actually helped me to see my suspicions confirmed)

She posted a comment last weekend about having "an emotionally fueled last few days" stating she cried, fought, ate too much, started her period, barely slept, and was overwhelmed with work.  For her to post "I started my period" on Facebook was SHOCKING to me.  It told me she isn't connecting with him and is fishing for her usual sympathy elsewhere.  She would always share that kind of stuff with me privately, because I had mastered the art of soothing her.  I can't imagine Mr. Joker knowing how to handle her.

If I were in his position, and my wife has filed from divorce, and I'm with a rebound - the first sign of trouble, I'm out.  I just got out of toxic marriage (for whatever reason for him - but seeing how he behaves, I can see how his wife tired of him) and the last thing I would want is my rebound/new girlfriend to have her OWN issues with me, or otherwise.  But - he's getting laid, because I know she has no qualms about jumping into bed immediately with guys - so maybe the power of the, well, you know, is keeping him attached.

But he picked a terrible person to rebound with.  I can't see how it will go well at all, for either of them.

[apollotech]

4Years,

It seems to me that she is picking men that are very easy to control. I'll bet that you caused her problems, control problems? Mine couldn't control me, and that caused her problems without end. Imagined "control" problems, I didn't need to be controlled, but she needed to be able to do that. Sound familiar?

[fromheeltoheal]

4Years,

It seems to me that she is picking men that are very easy to control. I'll bet that you caused her problems, control problems? Mine couldn't control me, and that caused her problems without end. Imagined "control" problems, I didn't need to be controlled, but she needed to be able to do that. Sound familiar?

Yes, and remember a borderline's attempt to control is an attempt to control the emotional distance in the relationship; if you get too close she will feel engulfed, too far away she will feel abandoned, which sets up the push/pull dance, and she's looking for that place between the two, the only place temporary contentment and lack of fear is found, a precarious balance that is always shifting, so if she can completely control you, she may find that place more often, at least in her head, and that isn't a conscious thought for her, it's a reaction to feelings.  Of course who would put up with that crap, I didn't for long, so the fear of abandonment is fulfilled when we do leave, either that or the borderline senses we're about to so leave first, a preemptive strike.

[Mister Brightside]

I do not want her back.  But I want that closure.  So yes, fromheeltoheal, I guess the point of this thread is for someone to validate that yeah, this situation with the replacement doesn't seem healthy.  I want to see it fail.  Then she can go date 40 guys in 40 months - but it won't be the guy she felt she could replace me with.

Broken people (like the newly divorced security guard) are in my opinion a perfect target for a rebounding borderline (then again, borderlines are constantly on the rebound, so I guess I'm being redundant). That's a perfect opportunity for a borderline to love bomb and show someone how much they "care." The security guard, being weak right now after going through a divorce, will be much more likely than a healthy person to fall for her idealizations, especially since sex is involved, something he may not have gotten much of in the latter stages of his married (making assumptions here).

Your ex may not like the fact that he's a republican Christian, but a borderline doesn't exactly follow common sense in the idealization stage (or rarely in any stage with their supercharged emotions). Aside from the fact that the security guard is weak right now which opened him up to the relationship, your ex probably saw it as a safe bet. The fact that he's weak means she can control him more, which is a huge safety net for a borderline.

The fact that she's making public displays on Facebook about her unhappiness is probably the only answer you need to know to tell you that she isn't happy with him. I think deep down you've answered your own questions by saying that you were able to sooth her, unlike this guy, and I think plenty of us can validate your feelings that this relationship is going to be short lived and will fail. It is basically impossible for a borderline to have a healthy/reciprocal relationship as it is, but everything you've told us makes it even more so.

[Blimblam]

2 rebounds as the basis of a relationship while one is a borderline Sounds like the outlook is not good!

It's pretty common that borderlines end up in a relationship where they are somehow rescuing their partner. The movie silver linings playbook illustrates that pretty well. It is a common theme for commedy romance films. The film there's something about mary puts a twist on it where the guys fake to have a genuine sort of issue to even keep in the good graces of mary.

Also the fact she had been mentioning the security guard to you meant he was on her mind. When the girl you are committed to has other guys on her mind it is in my book not a good sign. The thing is this is part of a bigger pattern and she will likely continue in that fashion. 

It sucks though how are you feelijg about it all?

[Heldfast]

Yeah I was replaced with someone she could control who was clearly a damaged person, her ex from seven years ago who hadn't had a relationship he hadn't paid for since her. She posted some bs about "letting our scars fall in love." From a poem about running to the wrong person for the right reasons. They're both emotionally disturbed people, it won't end well.

[4Years5Months]

"My hallucination is if the guy was married and got dumped he was probably in emotional pain, so he talked to your ex at work about it.  They developed an emotional connection, think attachment for a borderline, and as it grew with time, and you had a bunch of recycles with her, every one of which weakens the trust and the attachment, so this guy was in pain and susceptible, she felt a stronger attachment forming with him than the beat-up one she had with you, so she jumped ship."

I think this is spot on, fromheeltoheal.  After our last recycle, I let it be known that we weren’t simply hitting a reset button.  I wanted her to work on herself, to make the changes to keep this from happening again.  She promised to talk to me about her feelings, and her progress.  One thing she specifically said (and it was quite the admission) was that she had trouble seeing men platonically after a while….that feelings develop.  She said she was “quite immature” about it.   "I can't get close to guys" she said.  She also said all of this during a love bombing to keep me from leaving her.  I believed her desire to change that.  I shouldn’t have.

Because I had such a short tolerance with her this time around, when she was cruel to me, I didn’t take her crap.  We had several arguments.  When I left her alone for two weeks, I was hoping she would do what she said last October, and work on herself.  She did nothing, and was even MORE distant when I tried to reestablish contact.

I think she broke up with me, and played the sad, lonely victim to her newly minted co-worker friends (that like my replacement, she had devalued to me, but now hung out with every night).  Mr. Replacement was separated from his wife, and they could mope into their beers together.  They found a common pain to share.  I don’t doubt that she turned on the love bombing with him…... but I think he did exactly same….saw a rebound and pounced on her….literally.

There is a part of me that thinks there was an attraction for a while, and they acted on it.  There is a part of me that thinks she cheated on me with him, too.  Regardless, I think the above still happened.

"Of course who would put up with that crap, I didn't for long, so the fear of abandonment is fulfilled when we do leave, either that or the borderline senses we're about to so leave first, a preemptive strike."

She definitely feared me leaving her, because I was THAT close to doing so, and probably told her so.  I can remember telling her before I cut off contact for two weeks, “I have a lot of positive things in my life right now, you have been an overwhelming negative.”  I naively thought she would hear that and look at her behavior and change it.  Instead, she just became more distant.  I knew she had BPD, but I still wasn’t going to tolerate that kind of treatment.  And it cost me the relationship.  I don’t regret saying that, but I DO regret not ending it before she did.  I loved and valued her too much to walk away.  How many times have you heard that here, huh?


"It seems to me that she is picking men that are very easy to control. I'll bet that you caused her problems, control problems? Mine couldn't control me, and that caused her problems without end. Imagined "control" problems, I didn't need to be controlled, but she needed to be able to do that. Sound familiar?"

Apollotech, I’m not sure if it was so much about control as it was about finding someone that would idealize her back and not know about her baggage.  The guy at college was young and relatively inexperienced with women.  He approached her in class and asked her out, and she jumped right into bed the NEXT NIGHT with him, after knowing him six days.  I told her she wasn’t the first girl he had hit on, and wouldn’t have been the last.  He wanted a girlfriend.  I wanted HER.  Big difference. 

Anyway, she claimed for weeks to me that she didn’t know if he even liked her.  Eventually, she began sleeping with me again on the side (triangulation).  He never knew.  Eventually, he told her he loved her (the ONE thing she said was holding their relationship back was his inability to express his emotions) and a week after he did that, she broke up with him.  Engulfment?  Or was the chase better than the catch, and after she got what she wanted, was she able to look at him objectively and realize he wasn’t perfect anymore?  I was right there and ready to take her back, so it was probably an easy decision, but I wonder if she would have stayed with him longer had I been gone from her life.  I think that would have been the case.

The other guy last year?  Same kind of situation.  Nerdy, young, wanting a girlfriend….hadn’t had many relationships.  She said after that weekend trip (where she slept with him out of pity after he paid for everything, she told me) she realized it was “too much time” with him and they were better as friends.  This was after nearly three months of triangulating him with me.  I think it was because I had cut her off and was ready to exit her life, and she saw a better option with me and love bombed me back in.

This current guy?  I’m surprised it has lasted this long.  I feel like if I broke NC and reached out to her, she would rebuff me, but eventually let me back in and triangulate me with him for a while, to ween herself off of him and back to me.  The problem is, I don’t want her back, and I’m not contacting her.  And now she has to look at him as her sole option.  It’s not looking good based on what I have heard in the last week.  But she hasn’t contacted me.  She has been “liking” comments I leave on mutual friends’ statuses, though.


"The fact that she's making public displays on Facebook about her unhappiness is probably the only answer you need to know to tell you that she isn't happy with him."

This was a big positive for my detachment.  When your ex is flaunting their replacement as if they now have a perfect life, it’s painful.  She did that for about three weeks, but then the cracks began to show with her “it’s been a emotional weekend” rant last week.  That’s when she started liking my comments on Facebook, but hasn’t contacted me.  She went through a couple of “speed bumps” (as she called them) with the guy at college, but didn’t contact me.


"Also the fact she had been mentioning the security guard to you meant he was on her mind. When the girl you are committed to has other guys on her mind it is in my book not a good sign."

She talked about him a lot because he was in most of her work stories – because he was a security guard with little to do but stand around and talk to her (and others) all day.  When she would talk about him to me, she would always say “(He) said the dumbest thing today” in some variation.  Her nickname for him was “Forrest Gump” because he was such an idiot.  She talked about his appearance – buzz cut, tight pants, no culture, a flip phone, in addition to his Christian Republican views.  Plus, he was married. 

She said all of this to me when I asked her point blank after she gave me the “I can’t be platonic with men” line.  She said, “He is the opposite of what I look for in a guy.”  Based on all of the above, he was, and is.  For all of her inconsistencies and emotional flip flopping, she has always held steadfast to her values of what she associates with.  For her to date someone who IS the opposite of that is shocking to me.  She might as well have posted a photo on Facebook of her shooting heroin.



Blimblam, how am I feeling?  Still dumbfounded.  I can’t see how she can still be with this guy.  I AM surprised the cracks are already showing – I was expecting at least a few months of idealization without me contacting her to set up a safety net.  I’m guessing it has something to do with his pending divorce, which has a hearing later this month.  I don’t think she likes that he has something (or someone) else to focus on besides her.  Or it could be a myriad of things.  Or maybe it was a speed bump as she calls it, and they are happy again.  But how can HE think he is in a good situation?  He grew up in the same small rural town and married his high school sweetheart.  Most of his Facebook friends are people from said town.  Now he’s with a girl who is the opposite of all of that. I guess I should expect that for a rebound.  I just don’t see it as a long term option.

I think she misses me (at times) and especially when she fights with him.  But she knows if she reaches out, that she's going to hear about my disappointment and hear my questions about how she can be sleeping with Forrest Gump.  I don't think she wants to hear that, so she stays away.  But I do think I will eventually hear from her - while she is still with him - for another recycle attempt.

But I still can't see how they stay together.

[Blimblam]

Yeah she probably at times doesn't feel safe and secure and thinks of backups. Yeah the psychic world you once were for her is full of her unwanted crap and if she is reminded of that part of herself when you are in contact she will eventually become numb to you.  In any case analyzing her relationship with him is something I can relate to with my ex and her replacement but I realized it came down to my exs underlying pattern trumps all her values and with each new attachment she has the ability to, in many ways recreate herself. Keep in mind that a pwBPD is like somone lost in the mirror so when she does mirror that is who In that moment identifies herself as, its real to her. 

Are you hoping she contacts you again?

[4Years5Months]

Keep in mind that a pwBPD is like somone lost in the mirror so when she does mirror that is who In that moment identifies herself as, its real to her. 

I posted a topic last week about her mirroring of him, at least on Facebook:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273620.0

In a nutshell, he comments on her Facebook with his usual juvenile nonsense, and she comments BACK with similar crude nonsense.  She looks horribly immature doing it, and it's a sharp contrast to the girl I dated for five years - young, but always trying to appear articulate and mature.  She can be sarcastic and funny, but it looks like she's acting out and trying to keep up with his silliness.

In addition, the things she has posted about are things I know SHE likes to do.  The first weekend they went public with the relationship, they went all around the city to specific restaurants that I know SHE likes to go to - we went to them when we dated.  She was posting photos of every meal left and right on Facebook, commenting on them, along with photos of him.  They went to see a stand up comedian SHE likes.  I haven't heard of a single thing that would be associated with HIM.  Maybe those things are happening and she just isn't mentioning them, but it goes in line with the control aspect several of you mentioned.  It's like she wants to do these things, and needs a boyfriend type to do them with.  Honestly, I think that's part of the reason she's with him - so she can go to these places with someone who will definitely go with her, instead of trying to find one of those disposable "friends" from work.

Remember he is from a rural town and devoid of culture - another reason my ex said she wasn't interested in him.  "He's such a loser, his favorite restaurant is Longhorn Steakhouse!" she told me.  Now he's going to all of these top rated city eateries and cafe's with her.  This goes back to the topic of this thread - my ex is GLAD she is having to introduce him to all of these things?  I suppose initially, but if I know her, she will get tired of having someone who can't keep up with her, culturally and intellectually.

Each replacement has been about the same - loser who wants a girlfriend.  Each guy has probably been over the moon to be with her - she is beautiful and articulate - as well as having sex pretty much instantly and often.  Like several of you said, a "healthy" guy won't put up with her constant complaining crap, so she chooses guys who feel lucky to have a girlfriend.  Mr. Heading For Divorce is probably the most prime candidate.  He will put up with her emotions.  If they are "happy" again right now, it's because he apologized to her.  Rarely did she offer anything more than a superficial, flippant apology to me.

I should briefly mention - the first four breakups, it was about how I wasn't doing something right or not making enough of an effort.  Looking back on it, it was absurd for me to beg her to take me back.  The last three breakups?  She couldn't play the victim anymore, so she used a life situation - that she wants to move to another city (never has a plan, just talks talks talks about being unhappy and wanting to move away) and since I have a 10-year-old daughter and can't just up and move with her, we have a doomed relationship and "different goals" and thus "cannot" be together.  Not necessarily true, but she uses it.  She doesn't say she doesn't want to be with me, but the situation makes it that way.  Of course it's all a BPD projection to push me away.  She shouldn't be dating ANYONE if she's moving away ASAP, right?  Much less a security guard.


Blimblam, yes, I do want her to contact me again.  I don't want a recycle.  But hearing from her that she misses me - even though with BPD she can flip back a week later - will help give me closure.  Any trust has completely evaporated after she sobbed on her couch in October and told me she wanted to change, and wanted us to get married, move to Seattle (where I want to live), have kids - she had the NAMES of our children picked out, even said she would be a stay at home mom --- and then reverted right back to the dysfunctional person she promised to never be again.  We walked through Central Park in December, holding hands, jokingly talking about how we should have our wedding there.  TWO WEEKS later, she told me she was purposely trying not to talk to me so she could forget about me.  That trip was too much happiness for her to handle, so she created chaos.

When she broke up with me this last time, she started the conversation talking about our relationship in the past tense, then rattled off about five female friends of mine and asked me specific questions about each one (she had done her homework) and how long it was going to be before I dated one of them.  I was astonished.  "You'll go off with (name) and forget about me!"  After that day, I went NC, which included her birthday a week later.  Hey, I had big plans to take her out, and she cut me off.  I think THAT was the moment she decided I had abandoned her.  A week later, she was with my replacement.

I did have a brief moment of breaking NC and texted her (not knowing she was now with him) and it took her a day to respond.  She was very curt with me, saying

"We can't be together, and it's not smart for us to be friends right now.  We need time apart.  Maybe someday we can reconnect, but I don't want there to be communication between us currently."

I asked her if that meant I should never ever contact her again, and she said,

"Right now, no.  I am sorry about this situation.  I truly hope we can be friends again someday.  I value you highly - I do.  I care about you."

I told her I loved her and she said "You too" - which is her way of saying it without using the word "love" - typical when she is in push-away phase, and that was the last time I communicated with her.  Looking back on it, I now see why she used those words.  She was with my replacement now.  Stay away.  But see how often she left the door open?  I can't talk to her "right now" or "currently."  She hopes we can reconnect "someday."  This is usual behavior from her.

Like I said before, I think she wants to talk to me (liking my Facebook comments is trying to get me to contact her I think) but fears having to explain herself, and I think she also believes I'm dating someone and doesn't want to face that, either.  She has probably convinced herself things between us are too far gone to repair, and probably thinks I hate her.  She said all of that in October, dozens of times over two days, before finally believing I would forgive her.  I partially did because she was so remorseful.  When she dated the guy at college, I broke NC and for a good day or so, she was defiant that we shouldn't talk (while still talking to me) and said she was incredibly happy with the current replacement.  Only after she realized that I wasn't going to just yell at her did she settle down and begin to show the cracks in the relationship, and the recycle began.

I know she keeps track of me on Facebook (liking comments).  Last week, I posted about an upcoming vacation on a mutual friend's status (he posted about that pilot who intentionally crashed that plane and I responded that I'm still flying on my vacation in September), and TWO HOURS later, my ex posted on Facebook, "Planning another trip to New York very soon!"  I don't think she thought of that one on her own.  And is she going with Mr. Replacement, who she has been dating for three weeks?  Sheesh.

Would that happen again if I talked to her today?  I think so.  But unlike 2013, I don't feel like making the effort this time.

[apollotech]

4Years,

"Remember he is from a rural town and devoid of culture - another reason my ex said she wasn't interested in him."

Hmmm, I am from a very, very rural community (not even enough people to form a township), but I am very, very not devoid of culture. Be wary of using your blanket discrimination to support your position.

The language that you emoyed to describe her men--young, immature, wanting a girlfriend, etc.--all characterize someone that would be easy for her to manipulate, control.

You say that you don't want your ex back, yet you are fixated on the new guy and his poor qualities and the relationship he now has with your ex. Are you sure that you don't want her back? You seem to be be tracking them very closely, looking for cracks in the relationship. You notice her likes she gives you on FB. If you want her back that's normal; we have all been there.

To address the topic of focus: Yes, the replacement can be in need of rescuing. My replacement (I suspect.) is an old bf of my BPDexgf. He is completely broken, a very sad chap. I don't know him personally, but I do know many of his friends. He is an alcoholic; about 3 months ago he attempted suicide; he doesn't have a relationship with his three children. (This is not said to belittle the man but rather to explain his poor state of being. He needs serious help.) As he is, my BPDexgf will never permanently discard him; he is readily available supply. He is far too weak and needy for his own good; as a result, he cannot escape her. She triangulated me with him for a brief period when she and I were together. In his weakened state, he is easy to control. That is the key characteristic for their longevity together. When he demands that his needs be met, she dumps him, but he is not strong enough to stay away from her. I suspect that your ex is using the new guy's weakness(es) to control him. That is why I iniated the "control" topic.

[4Years5Months]

"Be wary of using your blanket discrimination to support your position."

To be fair, it is HER blanket discrimination.  It's what she told me.  I have never met the guy.  I do think, based on seeing how he has commented on her Facebook, that I am smarter and more accomplished than he is.  He's 28 and acts like a high schooler.  He was married.  I never perceived him as a threat because again, how she talked about him and again, how I know she looks for guys.  Again, putting herself in a situation where SHE is also a rebound?  Startling.  The other two replacements were college classmates of hers.  She had something in common with the other replacements. This guy... .

I agree about the control aspect.  With me, I was happy do mutual things, and even things she specifically wanted to do.  I learned a lot from her and she learned a lot from me.  I'm definitely a better person because I was with her - in a lot of ways.  I also learned what NOT to look for in a woman.  But despite that, I wasn't a puppy dog that would do whatever she wanted.  And after the last recycle, I refused to be the brunt of her life's frustrations.  This new guy will right now probably do anything to hold onto her.  Just like the other two replacements.  According to my ex, they both sobbed hysterically and begged her to reconsider when she broke up with them.  Oh, the effect she has.

If she leaves this current guy, he will be painted black and discarded, I have no doubt.  Both of the other two replacements met the same fate.  She has told me before that she can't completely let go of me because we have five years of history together, and I was her first love (and first sexual partner, too).  The other guys?  "I dated him for a month.  I don't care about him enough to want to see him again or be friends."  I can imagine the same words coming out of her mouth if she discards the current guy.

Like anyone fresh out of a BPD relationship, I would love to go back to the happy times we had - hell, even the happy vacation we had just three months ago.  It was bliss when it worked well.  The thought of her planning a return trip to NYC for whatever reason, with him, after only a month together, devastates me.  I would have gone back with her many times.  But again... .it's something SHE wants to do.

I don't want her back.  She is toxic and after finding out about this latest replacement (and a big part of it was it was THAT guy) I developed a stress rash and have been seeing a therapist for the last month.  I cannot put myself in a situation where she does that to me again.  And she WOULD if I let her recycle.

But, I guess I can phrase it this way - I want her to want me back, but I don't want her back.  I want to hear that she made a mistake, that she misses me.  I know it won't be ultimate closure, but it will be better than seeing her do things with him, fight, etc. and do nothing to let me back in.  Such is the life of the ex of a BPDer.  I really thought she was close to contacting me last week (after hearing about the fighting and her liking my comments) but she didn't.  Maybe she wanted me to contact her.  But I won't.  Having the weapon of my silence feels quite good right now.

[4Years5Months]

I was just told she posted on Facebook how when Mr. Replacement wants her to meet him in the break room at work, he has a very distinct whistle he uses, and she "comes galloping every single time" - insinuating she is like a horse.  That should tell you how much she thinks of herself.  Of course, she would say it's all a joke if someone seriously asked.  Looks like they made up, too.  I expected that.

I feel sorry for her.  He probably LOVES being able to do that after being dumped by his wife.

Again, how is this healthy for EITHER of them?

[fromheeltoheal]

I was just told she posted on Facebook how when Mr. Replacement wants her to meet him in the break room at work, he has a very distinct whistle he uses, and she "comes galloping every single time" - insinuating she is like a horse.  That should tell you how much she thinks of herself.  Of course, she would say it's all a joke if someone seriously asked.  Looks like they made up, too.  I expected that.

I feel sorry for her.  He probably LOVES being able to do that after being dumped by his wife.

Again, how is this healthy for EITHER of them?

Again, how is this healthy for EITHER of them?

And of course, how healthy is it for you to be checking up on her.  We all did it, part of the detachment process as we come out of the fog, but try and focus on telling whomever is giving you Facebook updates that you're moving on with your life and you really don't want to hear it, when you're ready to have that conversation.  Take care of you!

[4Years5Months]

This may sound weird, but hearing stuff like that does help me detach. It confirms he isn't as good as me, and makes me look at her and just shake my head, instead of missing her because she is "so happy" or something. He's an immature joke filled idiot, and her self worth is so low that she just melts into his nonsense. The girl who always tried to be professional confident allowed herself to be swallowed by the shark. I still think she will have those moments where she pushes back (like last weekend) but she is back in nonsense mode. I'm rolling my eyes instead of crying.

Yes, my goal is not to care anymore. Stuff like the above helps me care less.

[fromheeltoheal]

This may sound weird, but hearing stuff like that does help me detach. It confirms he isn't as good as me, and makes me look at her and just shake my head, instead of missing her because she is "so happy" or something. He's an immature joke filled idiot, and her self worth is so low that she just melts into his nonsense. The girl who always tried to be professional confident allowed herself to be swallowed by the shark. I still think she will have those moments where she pushes back (like last weekend) but she is back in nonsense mode. I'm rolling my eyes instead of crying.

Yes, my goal is not to care anymore. Stuff like the above helps me care less.

Yeah, I get it; once I detached some and learned about the disorder my ex's ongoing communication attempts started to seem more and more transparent and ridiculous.  It can serve a purpose, do it as long as it helps, and not caring anymore is a good goal.

[4Years5Months]

But you are correct that I'm walking a fine line by still finding out what she is doing from time to time. A post about being madly in love or something would be a setback of sorts. But thus far, everything I have heard has 100% validated exactly what I believe that "relationship" to be about.

[apollotech]

"I don't want her back.  She is toxic and after finding out about this latest replacement (and a big part of it was it was THAT guy) I developed a stress rash and have been seeing a therapist for the last month.  I cannot put myself in a situation where she does that to me again.  And she WOULD if I let her recycle.

But, I guess I can phrase it this way - I want her to want me back, but I don't want her back.  I want to hear that she made a mistake, that she misses me. I know it won't be ultimate closure, but it will be better than seeing her do things with him, fight, etc. and do nothing to let me back in.  Such is the life of the ex of a BPDer.  I really thought she was close to contacting me last week (after hearing about the fighting and her liking my comments) but she didn't.  Maybe she wanted me to contact her.  But I won't.  Having the weapon of my silence feels quite good right now."

4Years,

My apologies for misinterpreting the statements about the new guy as your own.

Ah, the very delicate male ego. The most easily damaged facet of any relationship. I have had your exact thoughts. I think, in general, women would get a lot better response from us if they'd just learn to coddle that a bit more. But hold on, isn't that exactly what a pwBPD does during idealization? Weren't our ego's overstimulated ? Isn't this an avenue/method of control/manipulation?

"I cannot put myself in a situation where she does that to me again.  And she WOULD if I let her recycle."

I agree, you probably wouldn't fair well in reentering a relationship with her. It is good that you see that! Now you can devote your time to you and work on you!

[apollotech]

4Years and FHTH,

Thanks guys! You just confirmed my technique for using my BPDexgf to desensitize me regarding her. As both of you have stated, and as it is in my situation, news of her or communications from her only further pushes me towards indifference concerning her. She is doing a great job. I only hope that she'll keep it up until I am fully desensitized. Then I can safely contact her to thank her!

[fromheeltoheal]

4Years and FHTH,

Thanks guys! You just confirmed my technique for using my BPDexgf to desensitize me regarding her. As both of you have stated, and as it is in my situation, news of her or communications from her only further pushes me towards indifference concerning her. She is doing a great job. I only hope that she'll keep it up until I am fully desensitized. Then I can safely contact her to thank her!

And be careful apollo, borderlines are master attachers, they have to be, it's survival, and you let one under your skin just a little and it might be off to the races again, at least in your head.  I could probably stay centered now, it's been long enough, although someone who treats me the way she did is not welcome in my life any longer and I have no need or reason to test it.  Make sure you get clear on your real motivations for any contact too.

[4Years5Months]

Apollo, I have thought of reaching out and contacting my ex during this NC phase.  As I've said, if I can hear from her that she misses me and still thinks of me, it will go a LONG way with my healing.  Two years ago when she was dating the guy at college, I broke NC with the hope that we would get back together.  She started that first conversation by telling me we couldn't communicate, but well, she kept communicating.  After a few hours, she told me she missed me.  Boom.  If that was today, I would be okay and done.  But what keeps me from reaching out is the thought that she won't respond, or tell me to not contact her again.  She has NEVER slammed the door completely on me (remember our last conversation - we can't talk RIGHT NOW, or CURRENTLY, she doesn't want communication) but maybe at this point she has.  Her liking my Facebook comments seems a bit sinister - she wants me to contact her for some reason, it seems.

Again, this may seem odd, but if I had someone of my own and knew I wouldn't be left figuratively standing out in the cold, a rejection from her wouldn't feel as bad, or as bad at all.  Of course, that wouldn't be appropriate for a new girlfriend.  However, honest to god, my intention would be to secure that closure via "I miss you" - not trying to recycle or triangulate.  I've been on a couple of dates with a girl who may turn into that for me.  Other boards have chastised me for even considering dating at this point, but she makes me feel good, and happy.  And she makes me feel confident in telling my ex to go to hell, too.  Overall, that isn't the right path to take, but it's like finding a great new job that you really want, then getting the rejection call from the one you wanted a month ago.  Oh well.

There is a part of me that thinks my ex has truly moved on from me and actually likes this new guy and the relationship.  But another part of me thinks she feels that because we've had 2 months of NC, that I am the one who has moved on.  She always said at each breakup, "You will eventually not care about me anymore and move on."  It certainly seems like I have if I've gone NC this long  Maybe she's with him solely for survival and rebound purposes - and she'll stay with him as long as possible, or until the next replacement comes along.  I've seen the "crying and fighting" status updates - she only "fights" with two people, her mom and her boyfriend.  Only one of those relationships makes her upset enough to cry.  Her mom just makes her angry.

I'm focused on myself.  Seeing her acting so absurd with this guy shows how much nonsense is in that relationship.  I loved her for her.  Not for sex, or experiences, or to get over being dumped by my wife.  It's sad that she has lowered herself to that level, just to have a relationship.  And I STILL think it doesn't bode well to be with a guy whose divorce hasn't even been finalized yet.

[Technique]

Hello 4Years5Months.

I'm 6 months out and very much moving on.

It's all about 'source' for them. Not the quality of that source.

I discovered my ex had a replacement lined up before we split. I was recently informed who he is, what he looks like and the type of person he is.

All I can say is GOOD GRIEF!  What a gimp. I feel sorry for the both of them (with a high level of hilarity)

Take my advice. You need to switch your computer off and get out into the real world and exist.

Live your own life.

These type of women do not deserve one moment of our thoughts.

Good luck.

[apollotech]

4Years,

I don't know what to tell ya brother. You seem to be in limbo waiting for something that might never happen, her contacting you and expressing regret about the failed relationship. She is not mentally well.

I terminated the relationship with mine in early Feb. and went strict NC. She has texted me about once a week since then. None of those text express any hint of regret or sorrow that we didn't make it. In her "checking the attachment" texts she will state that she hopes that I am well. However, she has no problem expressing (projecting) a ton of anger, blame, and guilt out onto me. She also has no problem telling me about how "extremely happy" she is with the new Mr. Shiny. They are children. They behave and act like children.

Taking care of ourselves is about all that we can do. I think dating is good if you're very, very considerate of the other person. I personally am not ready to date. I can't freely give all of myself to someone else right now, so that wouldn't be fair to the other person. But my day is coming.

[4Years5Months]

To be honest, I'm not waiting with bated breath to hear from her, despite her weird likes on my Facebook comments.  She knows that virtually every move she has made in the last three months is a direct violation of what she promised me would never happen again back in October.  It's like a child having to atone for a mistake - they just go and hide.

I would like to think she misses me and at least conversing with me, but feels it is all too far gone to get anything back.  She said that repeatedly last fall - that she had destroyed something "very special" and would regret it for the rest of her life.  It sure would be nice to hear that from her now.

I forgot to mention, back in 2013 when she dated the guy at college, I very briefly dated another girl - definitely a rebound, unhealthy.  Now, here's my ex, and she was my ex at that point, dating another guy and parading him on Facebook - at the same time, wanting to "be friends" (flaunt) with me.  When she found out I was seeing another girl (I was up front with her and told her), she became a blubbering mess.  I called her after she told me we couldn't talk "ever again" (she was emotional) and she sobbed incoherently on the phone for minutes... .I was astonished.  We agreed to NC because it was "too hard" for her, then my relationship ended and I broke it.  A week later, I asked out another girl, again told my ex, and she became furious and upset and cut off contact again.  She didn't want me dating anyone else.  I've already mentioned at this last breakup, she was listing women and asking me who I was going to date.  She repeatedly said stuff like that - that I would find someone else and not care about her anymore.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised at her behavior.  I shouldn't be surprised at how she's flaunting him on social media, save for the emotional statuses about fighting.  I take solace in the knowledge that it isn't and cannot be as good of a relationship that I could give her.  She is attaching to someone who doesn't make sense for her because she needs to attach.  She's filling a void and soothing her emotional pain with someone who makes no sense.  She's acting out.  She's lost.  And I feel sorry for her.

I still want to see it all crumble.  I'm selfish and want that validation.  There are times I think she TRULY is happy with him, but I need to understand she is an emotional chameleon and can make it seem like things are great.  My friends I have come clean to in the last few weeks (I had hid it all for 5 years) were astonished when I said she had broken up with me SEVEN times.  She puts up a good face to the outside world.

I still seek that validation, but I'm going to therapy and finding new (and old) friends to hang out with.  I'm working on it.  It has only been two months.  I'm hoping if it gets to six, she will be a distant memory.

I find comfort in the dysfunction that is him and his relationship with her.  I just wish the sunshine and rainbows would go away.  Seeing that they were fighting last weekend was like coming up for air after being underwater while holding a 100lb weight.  I want more of that.  Yeah, it may not happen.  But THAT helps me detach, along with seeing what a doofus he is.

[4Years5Months]

And in regards to dating apollo, I struggle with the idea of it, too.  I want to be with someone because I spent five years in that mode and miss it.  I don't necessarily miss my ex.  I miss the relationship.  Maybe that is what they call "picking up fleas" from a BPDer, because I've read a BPDer seeks the attachment and feeling of a RELATIONSHIP, not necessarily a particular person.  Sure explains the current guy.

I have been casually seeing a girl in the last few weeks, and I tell you, it has been an adjustment.  We went out, kissed, and made plans to do several specific things together again.  I followed up with her and she said she has family coming over for Easter and needs to get ready for that, so maybe next week?  I'm freaking out, and probably shouldn't be.  But I'm used to my BPDex wanting to spend every waking second with me, that having someone want to go slowly is messing with my mind.  I need to learn to be patient.  It's a process.

I've been speaking to another girl (hey, kind of playing the field, but I'm not committed to anyone) and she told me tonight she was at a Passover meal.  Um, like my ex, I'm a pretty staunch atheist, so I recoiled a bit at that news.  But I'm not someone who wouldn't date a religious person unlike what my ex said (of course she is now), so I can see where my ex sought that attachment, and was willing to forgo said beliefs to have it.  It felt good to talk to someone.  I'm sure it felt good for my ex to talk to someone, even if he was a Christian Republican.

But unlike my ex, when I date someone, whether it's now or in six months, I'm not going to be like her and jump into bed, take a bunch of photos for Facebook, and act like my life is now perfect.  I've read that a good part of why a BPDer parades a new relationship around so early is to get the validation from others, and act like everything is right in the world - to have that approval.  The only approval I will need is my own, and that of the girl I choose to be with.  I couldn't care less if Facebook ever found out.  My ex has put EVERY relationship (me included) on full social media display within DAYS of it starting.  Really makes you wonder why she is with someone, doesn't it?

[hope2727]

I think mine needs to rescue so he can feel capable, needed, wanted, valuable, important etc. Its the same reason he surrounds himself with losers. If they are losers he must be a winner. Once he was with healthy, decent, successful people he felt like a failure. Contrast effect and all that.

Mine has a real catch as a replacement. She is friends with all his orbiters on Facebook. She is friends with all his family that he has no respect for. I am thinking high maintenance, doormat personally. At least thats what my friends tell me. Makes me feel like a winner as at least I can pay my own way and have my own home, life etc.

So perhaps rescuing makes them feel worthy.

[Blimblam]

It has been my experience that Recieving closure from a pwBPD is not something the pwBPD can really provide.  It is more of a choice, choosing to recognize that wanting or the feeling of needing validation from the pwBPD is the dysfuntinal pattern its self.  Once that is recognized as those compulsive uges arise is a huge step. The trick is that we falsely believe we are being defeated by this other person so we hold on in hopes of a situation playing out that satisfies our egos desire to not concede to the object that we once felt was within our control.  The reality is it is the dysfunctional pattern itself that has defeated us and untill we surrender to it we will cling to our mirror object that allowed us to feel whole.