what I'd love to tell her

[dobie]

What I'd love the tell her ... .


I've missed and grieved you every day for six months , not a moment has gone past where I didn't wake up and think you were still here or could hear your voice as I came I came in from work to an empty house . I may not have known how to love you properly or healthy but I did and do . I miss us I miss my best friend I miss all the things we were going to do together and all the plans we had. I would never have given up on you or us but you forced my hand you backed me into a corner and made it clear you wanted me to let you go . I don't know what fate has in store for us I know I've dated woman after woman to try and find "you" I feel like half of me is missing I'm so angry you believed all the liars and poisioners who made how I felt about you to be something ugly or not to be trusted . I never broke your trust I never did not once not even after the BU and all that love has turned to cold indifference & contempt and anger towards me .

I'm lost and half pathetic without you food has no taste nothing has meaning and you sold me out for what ? Half fake friends and some new bozo who will never get you like I did who will never have all my qualities the love , honour, loyalty, devotion and passion .

You quit on me and us but worse than that you quit on yourself .

A successful relationship has three qualities trust , empathy and a stubborn dedication to make things work I gave you all three a  100 x over .

[Mister Brightside]

Are you a religious person, Dobie? I am, and I believe that one day (in another life) she will know how much you cared about her and the pain she put you through despite your care for her.

I hope it was therapeutic to write what you did. Unfortunately, none of us will be able to share our feelings with our exes because they don't have the same kinds of compassionate minds we have, so I know how much you hurt to not be able to have her feel how you are feeling for her; if she could, she would definitely feel safety, something she will never feel.

But she may one day (in another life) read the words you've just written, and know how much you cared and be sorrowful for what she put you through.

[brokenbyothers]

Hey Dobie...

Hang in there! I could say almost word for word the same thing to my UdBPDxGF. I think I even told her a lot of what you said during many of the recycles. She misses you, but not like we miss them. I'm sure you still cross her mind, here and there, but just like a typical BPD, she needs a distraction from her pain.I was with mine for 3.5 years on and off. From the night we met she told me there was something wrong with her. couldn't be in a real relationship, cause it complicated everything. We started as FWB then when we tried to be exclusive... .she had to pull away, as we got closer. We were good to them, they know it.it just became to difficult for them to love us. On my second to last recycle after 3 month apart ... I asked her "did you ever miss me?" (she had a replacement when I was NC) her reply was "there were times when I missed you so much" I have been NC for 3-4 month now but I run into her every few weeks cause we live on a small island. I don't know what im trying to tell you but... .I think everything you want to tell her... .she already knows!

[brokenbyothers]

Dobie,

just to clarify, She knows You were great for her and to her. I honestly don't know if she thinks you think of her all the time. Near the end mine once said to me "YOU REALLY THINK OF ME WHEN I"M NOT WITH YOU?"  DUH   Me... ." In everything I do."  I'm slowly getting stronger and living life to make MY life better, for me.  Its hard. miss her, love her but we need to take care of ourselves

[downwhim]

I would love to tell him my life is so empty now. I have dated. Just went on a date this week and I miss him even more. I know we are toxic. I know in my heart it was love for me but the end of the day, nothing seems real anymore. Plans for the future are erased, compassion is missing and he and I together at times were very special, not like the unreal craving I have now where did we go? How did it get this bad? When will I feel whole again?

[Infared]

It took me some time.

It took quite a bit of therapy.

It took a lot of support from friends and my help group.

It took a lot of brutal honesty.

... .but I finally got to that place where I owned the fact that it really did not matter what I had to say.

She just wasn't listening any longer, and hadn't been for a long time.

[Blimblam]

In all honesty if I could go back I would have sent one of my "pathetic," love letters how I missed her. I regret not doing that and not crying in front of her.  I got caught up on the no contact religion and Id only be feeding her narcisism and she never loved me nonsense.  The truth is if I had just sent it to her I would of felt a lot better than posting it here and then having a bunch of people tell me to never send it because she wasn't worth it. 

The point is holding in those feeling is so painful and I can relate to everything you said if you think sending a letter like that would help you uncork those emotions go for it there's nothing there to be ashamed of.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I feel for you dobie.  The discard wounds us to the core and it takes a long time to heal.  You will find someone else - it is just that it is probably too soon to be dating while you are still hurting.  That is the difference between us and them.  We can't just jump into another relationship.  We are adults and need to grieve in an adult way.  Hang in there - things will get better.

[Infared]

I feel for you dobie.  The discard wounds us to the core and it takes a long time to heal.  You will find someone else - it is just that it is probably too soon to be dating while you are still hurting.  That is the difference between us and them.  We can't just jump into another relationship.  We are adults and need to grieve in an adult way.  Hang in there - things will get better.

+1000

[dobie]

In all honesty if I could go back I would have sent one of my "pathetic," love letters how I missed her. I regret not doing that and not crying in front of her.  I got caught up on the no contact religion and Id only be feeding her narcisism and she never loved me nonsense.  The truth is if I had just sent it to her I would of felt a lot better than posting it here and then having a bunch of people tell me to never send it because she wasn't worth it. 

The point is holding in those feeling is so painful and I can relate to everything you said if you think sending a letter like that would help you uncork those emotions go for it there's nothing there to be ashamed of.

If I thought it would ellecit a response any response I would . I've already sent her two nice emails without a hint of blame or finger pointing and an offer to be friends and she has blanked both of them ... she simply does not a damm give my friend .

[dobie]

I feel for you dobie.  The discard wounds us to the core and it takes a long time to heal.  You will find someone else - it is just that it is probably too soon to be dating while you are still hurting.  That is the difference between us and them.  We can't just jump into another relationship.  We are adults and need to grieve in an adult way.  Hang in there - things will get better.

That's the thing via therapy I've learnt about the bigger picture and what this BU did to me its opened a whole lot of wounds going back to childhood .

She swears blind she has no BF but I suspect casual dating she is triangulating with her sis and friends anyway .

There's an emptiness in me she was filling , I think that why I'm finding this so hard ...

I know a new r/s would fix a lot of the hurt but would really only be masking the deeper issues and I'm more likely to get snared by a cluster b while I'm still so broken .

[Infared]

In all honesty if I could go back I would have sent one of my "pathetic," love letters how I missed her. I regret not doing that and not crying in front of her.  I got caught up on the no contact religion and Id only be feeding her narcisism and she never loved me nonsense.  The truth is if I had just sent it to her I would of felt a lot better than posting it here and then having a bunch of people tell me to never send it because she wasn't worth it.  

The point is holding in those feeling is so painful and I can relate to everything you said if you think sending a letter like that would help you uncork those emotions go for it there's nothing there to be ashamed of.

If I thought it would elicit a response any response I would . I've already sent her two nice emails without a hint of blame or finger pointing and an offer to be friends and she has blanked both of them ... she simply does not a damm give my friend .

The coldness can be offsetting.  At one point I was asking why was she moving out? (of course she was totally lying about her new relationship) and I said "will you think about this... .think of all we have shared together.  Please, do not do this.?" (her announcement to leave had come totally out of left field for me, right before Christmas).

I got a cold, smug statement.  "Your begging, infared."  That's it.   It was like someone had kidnapped the woman that I had lived with for 5 years. The cold, business-like words and actions were shocking to me.  I thought that we were very close.  I could not have been more mistaken... .but it took a long, long time for that to really sink in.  I did not know about personality disorders then... .so in that regard, dobie... you are ahead of the pack for many who interact with BPD's. Its still really emotionally painful, but more knowledge is better than less, I think. (in regards to the disease aspect of the situation).

[jhkbuzz]

I would love to tell him my life is so empty now. I have dated. Just went on a date this week and I miss him even more. I know we are toxic. I know in my heart it was love for me but the end of the day, nothing seems real anymore. Plans for the future are erased, compassion is missing and he and I together at times were very special, not like the unreal craving I have now where did we go? How did it get this bad? When will I feel whole again?

You will begin to feel whole again when you accept that YOU (and not he) holds the key to your happiness.

You have an unspoken belief that "He=your happiness." Until you challenge this belief (and realize it is wrong) you will be unhappy.

This is the truth: any time we place responsibility for our happiness on another human being we will be sorely disappointed. You must be happy and at peace within yourself.

This is the healthier outlook to have about r/s's: I am happy within myself; I want to share my life with someone else who is happy within himself; Hi there! You're cute! Lets go enjoy life together!

Keep doing the work; you'll get there!  


(And, by the way, when I first started dating I'd drive home from the dates in complete tears. It was important for me to keep moving forward with my life, but it also helped me recognize that I wasn't ready for serious r/s's yet. It's a process!)

[jhkbuzz]

There's an emptiness in me she was filling , I think that why I'm finding this so hard ...

I know a new r/s would fix a lot of the hurt but would really only be masking the deeper issues and I'm more likely to get snared by a cluster b while I'm still so broken .

Good for you Dobie!   In the midst of your pain you're having some very, very important realizations.

This is the beginning of your healing, although it doesn't feel that way right now.

[dobie]

In all honesty if I could go back I would have sent one of my "pathetic," love letters how I missed her. I regret not doing that and not crying in front of her.  I got caught up on the no contact religion and Id only be feeding her narcisism and she never loved me nonsense.  The truth is if I had just sent it to her I would of felt a lot better than posting it here and then having a bunch of people tell me to never send it because she wasn't worth it.  

The point is holding in those feeling is so painful and I can relate to everything you said if you think sending a letter like that would help you uncork those emotions go for it there's nothing there to be ashamed of.

If I thought it would elicit a response any response I would . I've already sent her two nice emails without a hint of blame or finger pointing and an offer to be friends and she has blanked both of them ... she simply does not a damm give my friend .

The coldness can be offsetting.  At one point I was asking why was she moving out? (of course she was totally lying about her new relationship) and I said "will you think about this... .think of all we have shared together.  Please, do not do this.?" (her announcement to leave had come totally out of left field for me, right before Christmas).

I got a cold, smug statement.  "Your begging, infared."  That's it.   It was like someone had kidnapped the woman that I had lived with for 5 years. The cold, business-like words and actions were shocking to me.  I thought that we were very close.  I could not have been more mistaken... .but it took a long, long time for that to really sink in.  I did not know about personality disorders then... .so in that regard, dobie... you are ahead of the pack for many who interact with BPD's. Its still really emotionally painful, but more knowledge is better than less, I think. (in regards to the disease aspect of the situation).

I fee you bro I think one of the hardest things for me is being able to trust myself again ... I honestly think in the final analysis she cared more about her iPad than me as a human or my feelings !

Over the course of the last 12-14 months there were signs

"God we need to get married this is ridiculous" "Im going to cry on our wedding day "

" do we make each other happy " "I'm so happy at the moment I'm waiting for it to go wrong "

"It would be nice if I was pregnant " "if I was pregnant it would be a disaster "

"Why am I still not happy "

"Are we right for each other " "I've always felt we were meant to be "

":)o we have anything in common " "I've never met a man like u even after all this time "

These comments came more thick and fast in the last few months , but this was a woman who I was always needing to soothe who was morose anxious  and unhappy since day one for the most part about something so I thought now she has the job and the friends she will be OK . I realise now I was carrying the r/s with the force of my personality and optimism proping her up by my belief in a better tommorow for her.

Hence why she would have come back if I had chased her (no strong sense of self )

When the reality was as soon as she fell out of idealisation the resentment , anger and anxious detachment and confliction in her  began in full force  in the end she really feels only loss for the money she spent on us as a couple and the house she left behind .

I was truly with my head in the clouds for the last year or so .

That wakes me up in a cold sweat ! How could I have deluded myself for so long , how could I have trusted someone who can't trust anyone and hence can't be trusted .

How did I stupidly ignore how ruthless she had been in her past to previous partners .  how did I not see how unhealthy it is to have someone idealise you and hang on your every word .

How did I miss her total lack of caring and concern for me in the most part for so long .

Her need to "win" an argument  how emotionally immature she is ...

The fact she never made me laugh .

______________________________________________________

And I could forgive all that all she put me through if she just showed a sliver of empathy , just a sliver a gesture like returning my email .