In all honesty if I could go back I would have sent one of my "pathetic," love letters how I missed her. I regret not doing that and not crying in front of her. I got caught up on the no contact religion and Id only be feeding her narcisism and she never loved me nonsense. The truth is if I had just sent it to her I would of felt a lot better than posting it here and then having a bunch of people tell me to never send it because she wasn't worth it.
The point is holding in those feeling is so painful and I can relate to everything you said if you think sending a letter like that would help you uncork those emotions go for it there's nothing there to be ashamed of.
If I thought it would elicit a response any response I would . I've already sent her two nice emails without a hint of blame or finger pointing and an offer to be friends and she has blanked both of them ... she simply does not a damm give my friend .
The coldness can be offsetting. At one point I was asking why was she moving out? (of course she was totally lying about her new relationship) and I said "will you think about this... .think of all we have shared together. Please, do not do this.?" (her announcement to leave had come totally out of left field for me, right before Christmas).
I got a cold, smug statement. "Your begging, infared." That's it. It was like someone had kidnapped the woman that I had lived with for 5 years. The cold, business-like words and actions were shocking to me. I thought that we were very close. I could not have been more mistaken... .but it took a long, long time for that to really sink in. I did not know about personality disorders then... .so in that regard, dobie... you are ahead of the pack for many who interact with BPD's. Its still really emotionally painful, but more knowledge is better than less, I think. (in regards to the disease aspect of the situation).
I fee you bro I think one of the hardest things for me is being able to trust myself again ... I honestly think in the final analysis she cared more about her iPad than me as a human or my feelings !
Over the course of the last 12-14 months there were signs
"God we need to get married this is ridiculous" "Im going to cry on our wedding day "
" do we make each other happy " "I'm so happy at the moment I'm waiting for it to go wrong "
"It would be nice if I was pregnant " "if I was pregnant it would be a disaster "
"Why am I still not happy "
"Are we right for each other " "I've always felt we were meant to be "
":)o we have anything in common " "I've never met a man like u even after all this time "
These comments came more thick and fast in the last few months , but this was a woman who I was always needing to soothe who was morose anxious and unhappy since day one for the most part about something so I thought now she has the job and the friends she will be OK . I realise now I was carrying the r/s with the force of my personality and optimism proping her up by my belief in a better tommorow for her.
Hence why she would have come back if I had chased her (no strong sense of self )
When the reality was as soon as she fell out of idealisation the resentment , anger and anxious detachment and confliction in her began in full force in the end she really feels only loss for the money she spent on us as a couple and the house she left behind .
I was truly with my head in the clouds for the last year or so .
That wakes me up in a cold sweat ! How could I have deluded myself for so long , how could I have trusted someone who can't trust anyone and hence can't be trusted .
How did I stupidly ignore how ruthless she had been in her past to previous partners . how did I not see how unhealthy it is to have someone idealise you and hang on your every word .
How did I miss her total lack of caring and concern for me in the most part for so long .
Her need to "win" an argument how emotionally immature she is ...
The fact she never made me laugh .
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And I could forgive all that all she put me through if she just showed a sliver of empathy , just a sliver a gesture like returning my email .
