Your Ex's family of origin dynamic

[anxiety5]

As we know (and have experienced) BPD and NPD are often brought about because of some form of chaos in a person's past/childhood.

The information of our experiences is always there in front of us, but sometimes for whatever reason, we don't connect the dots. In my look back at past relationships I noticed something that I'm working through right now.

I'm not sure if it's coincidence or not but all of my significant (a year or longer) relationships I've ever been in, the girl either had a detached father since early childhood or he was totally gone (one past away at an early age and the other was totally detached and gone)

My ex, who was NPD/BPD: Her parents were divorced when she was two. The mother (whom she idolizes) has been married 4 times. When asked why each ended, the answer I got was always vague and along the lines of "He was never home."

My ex's relationship with her father was detached at best. She saw him when she went back to her home town but (despite trying to brush it off) she would mention when he wouldn't call on her birthday and things like that. When we first met she told me how great he was in all these ways, but quickly I began noticing that she didn't have much of anything to say about him. As time went on, I'd get tid bits of information and it painted a different picture. He was basically a functional alcoholic. He would make promises to them as kids and not follow through. He was there financially for them through the years but that's about it.

There was an element of feminism about her mother, and her extended family. (the mom's side) The women ran the families, and the men all seemed like these meek people who never rocked the boat. It was odd. It was like the men would sit inside at the beach house, quietly. and it was the women would would be all loud and rowdy outside, making comments about the guys, etc.  It was clear that it was a female dominated hierarchy.

I also heard about the mother having "episodes" when they were young. She would scream and yell at them. My ex always made excuses that she was just stressed and trying to make it through. But she grew up with her mother being a totally dominating overbearing person with strict rules about everything. Even until her senior year she had a ridiculously early curfew despite never being in trouble. She was overbearing and overprotective as well as very demanding when it came to extra curricular activities and grades.


I now see it all. The trauma of divorce, the splitting of the father because he was undependable and alcohol probably enhanced his narcissistic traits highly. The mother demanded perfection and controlled everything. That with her bits of rage and constantly changing household dynamics most likely led to the abandonment of her true self. She had to act and be a certain way to gain her mother's love and approval. That's why to the recent past when we were dating, I saw this strange personality shift when she's around. This dynamic on top of the trauma was made worse with the fact that a child always trying to win approval develops a distorted view of love. BPD =dominated by emotions. Love = emotion. Her learned interpretation of love is yearning/longing. That is why she chases people. And that is why her feelings of love are lost when someone actually provides the things she claims she wants. No longer having to long or yearn for love, what comes about no longer "feels" like love based of what she knows it to be. Plus this chaos of unpredictability, non commitment, ever changing domestic dynamics and female authoritarian control/domination are a model by which all she knows. She would say that she doesn't know how to love. She would say that she will never change. (despite her previous divorce/wake of chaos and her infidelity and manipulation and awful relationship) To her changing is self annihilation. To her introspection is the possibility to find fault. And to her being wrong or doing wrong means not being lovable. It's childhood toxic shame, not guilt. And it was set in place by her mother and her demands for a perfect child. All of her dysregulation creates impulsivity and chaos, yet when these fundamentals create real life problems, she lacks the ability to ever fix them because criticism to her is annihilation. So instead she devalues (so my opinion is worthless and no longer hits a nerve) and then discards, so she can search for someone else who will mirror her perfection and once again hold the prop of her false self which is akin to her survival. When this person falls for her, she will not feel love for them back, so she will chase someone else, cheat, and when these problems cause the next person to confront her this process will repeat again. And again. And again. And again.

It is incredibly empowering to understand all of this. To realize it was not me. And to accept the fact that there was nothing I could have done any different. And thus, to let go.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

My dBPDex had a tragic FOO.  Her mother abandoned her and her sister when they were preschool age.  She was left with her violent, alcoholic, schizophrenic father.  At one point she was beaten so badly that her tailbone was broken.  At 15 her father abandoned her and her sister and she was emancipated by the state and has been on her own ever since. Yeah... .         

All things considered, I think she is doing pretty damn good for herself.  Last I spoke with her she has started weekly CBT sessions.  I hope she finds some peace.

[sun seeker]

 Hi

My exBPDgf parents are still married. They seem happy. But I  know its an act.   Getting to know my BPD's parents. Her mother is definitely disorder. Im positive it is BPD. Her and her daughter acted very similar.  Her father is like us helper/enabler and a very nice guy.  My dexBPDgf always called her mother crazy. I cant remember her saying anything negative about her father except he was a doormat. ( so was I) 

  I was reading about BPD family's and it said that the disorder mother would have tendency to hit  on/ flirt with the BPD daughters bf. And that got the old wheels spinning. When my dexBPDgf and I would go over to her parents home. Her mother would always hug me way to long and full body contact and slowley rub my back and when I would end the hug sbe alway lightly dragged her hand across my back... Shortly after our arrival at their home her mother would change her cloths and come dressed in sexy silk nighty  real low cut and sit with us all. Even if we arrived at thier house in the afternoon still nighty time.  I had to stay mindful  not to stare. Dont get me wrong her mother is  beatiful and voluptuous.  She would do this every single time. And i never noticed this untill i read about BPD families.



Has anyone else been hit on by thier BPDs parent?

[dobie]

Divorced Immature slightly selfish mother who prefers the younger sister and a dysfunctional BPD/ppd alcoholic  violent (not to his family ) father who ignored my xgf or raged at her when she was little she did not have a happy childhood .


Never been hit on by my xs mum but felt she was over reserved sometimes which lead me to think she may have found me attractive and those feelings uncomfortable .

[Heldfast]

Mother is daughter from one of three marriages across three states by and ocd polygamist who died in a mental health center. Mom is high functioning BPD in a marriage where there is no sex, no real affection. Mom had one child as a result of a brief fling when she was 17. That child, the son, is the Golden Child. My exBPDfiancee is the black sheep child, emotionally sensitive, neglected by dad, overly judged by mom, who became hard core bible beater to compensate. There is some significant childhood trauma but I never got a clear look at what it was, something in junior high, then again in HS when a friend of hers who was dating a drug dealer got murdered in a drive by... .she's back now with the guy who she ran away from home to live with and was screwing then " fell in love with." A definite down grade but I'm sure he's safe with her. She hates her mother with a passion. It's all so sick, I tried very hard to fit in with the family, who by all communications really liked me and hate this guy, wonder why he has any power over her.oh well, it's her life now, but Christmas this year should be really awkward assuming she ever tries to bring him around.

[anxiety5]

Mother is daughter from one of three marriages across three states by and ocd polygamist who died in a mental health center. Mom is high functioning BPD in a marriage where there is no sex, no real affection. Mom had one child as a result of a brief fling when she was 17. That child, the son, is the Golden Child. My exBPDfiancee is the black sheep child, emotionally sensitive, neglected by dad, overly judged by mom, who became hard core bible beater to compensate. There is some significant childhood trauma but I never got a clear look at what it was, something in junior high, then again in HS when a friend of hers who was dating a drug dealer got murdered in a drive by... .she's back now with the guy who she ran away from home to live with and was screwing then " fell in love with." A definite down grade but I'm sure he's safe with her. She hates her mother with a passion. It's all so sick, I tried very hard to fit in with the family, who by all communications really liked me and hate this guy, wonder why he has any power over her.oh well, it's her life now, but Christmas this year should be really awkward assuming she ever tries to bring him around.

In a way, I would venture to guess that 99.9% of every single one of the people who we dated has similar type of backgrounds as our ex's which we are sharing here. I think for myself moving forward, the family of origin dynamic is going to be my number one piece of information I gather and probably the most massive red flag as to what we can expect for the rest of the relationship.

I'm sure there are plenty of great people who had chaotic childhoods but you know what? I don't care. Never again will I "assume" someone is well adjusted in spite of chaos. It's simply not worth the risk anymore.

If I meet someone with the subtle signs of these types of dynamics we are all describing, I will politely close myself off from future contact.

NEVER again.

[sun seeker]

 Anxiety5

We are on the same page! 

[parisian]

My exBPDgf always seemed angry at her mom. I met her parents once - they both seemed fine. Her dad was a very lovely, gentle man and always very kind in how he spoke to people, especially his daughter (my ex).

I could see how her mom might be a bit 'cold' is probably the best way to describe it, but she was always very nice to me. I couldn't understand what it was about her mom that made her so angry, although she did say she had a very hard time from her mom when she was in her later teens so I'm guessing there was much difficulty through that period. My ex also had a recluse aunt that she tried to visit on occasions. I strongly suspect the aunt had BPD also. I guess a life of recluse is what my ex has to look forward to when she's older and I'm speculating she's more than aware of that potential outcome for herself and is probably very fearful of ending up the same way. If only she would do something about her BPD while she still can.

So my ex's FOO was actually quite fine.

[ADecadeLost]

Admittedly, my dBPD ex-wife's FOO seemed normal initially.  With time though, it became apparent that this was all a very carefully created image to maintain a certain public image.

Mom clearly has underlying self-image issues from her own childhood (grandma's a piece of work herself), and has re-directed these issues towards her own children.  They are simply accessories to reenforce the the image of herself she wishes to present to the world.  Their physical beauty and successes are bragged about relentlessly, while their failures are hidden from public view or covered up with financial means.  Any weight gain is frowned upon, and money is often used as a bribe to reverse even a slight fluctuation from what mom sees as acceptable.  Beyond this, she is a brilliant and cut throat business woman.  Equal parts narcissist and sociopath.  Machiavellian to the core.  While I respect her in many ways professionally, and had a good relationship with her (she respected me for standing up to her and setting boundaries early on), she is the last person I believe should have ever been a mother.

On the other side of the equation, is dad.  A soft spoken, introvert working in the medical field.  He appears very much a man broken by a domineering wife, but there is more to his story as well.  He came from a physically abusive family and, like his father and brother, had that streak in him as well.  According to the stories I have heard from various family members, he was very much this man early in the relationship.  :)emanding, threatening physical violence, until his wife decided to stand up to him one day.  Tall, imposing, and Machiavellian, she informed him that she was the primary bread winner in the family, and that she would take his money and have him living in the streets if he ever raised his voice again.  From there the soft spoken, introvert was born.  Of course, the soft spoken introvert found other ways to seek his revenge, keeping many mistresses over the years.  Even fathering a child with one, that the family quietly pretends doesn't exist.

To the outside world though, they are the perfect family with the exception of the emotional daughter (my ex).  Financially well off, upstanding members of society.  Yet, beneath they are all scarred to the core.  Sometimes, I just had to shake my head and laugh as I watched them at public functions.  Nice clothes, fakes smiles, and feigned togetherness that simply did not exist within.  Once I saw beneath the mask, I never again questioned how my ex-wife ended up the way she did.

[StarOfTheSea]

My exBPDbf came from a horrifically abusive background. His mom and dad divorced when he was young, the mom remarried to an abusive alcoholic. The mom also had alcohol and drug addictions. He was physically and emotionally abused by his mom and step dad. They also lived on a deserted farm with no running water because any money that came in was going towards drugs and booze. He told me some truly horrendous stories of the abuse and I could tell he had deep emotional scars from it.

My opinion is that his bio dad pretty much deserted him and his brother. Apparently his dad 'couldn't find them' because the mom had 'hidden them.' Come on, she was receiving and cashing child support checks and my exBPDbf and his brother were enrolled in school; I just can't believe that their dad couldn't find them. More like he was living it up with his second wife.

He and his dad have a r/s now, albeit a strange one. He works for his dad but his dad takes advantage of him financially and in other ways.  When I compare how I interact with my dad and how he interacts with his, it's like he and his dad are two strangers trying to force a r/s. I also feel that he has boundary problems in general, but especially with his dad. I can't count the number of times plans or activities were ruined because his dad needed something unimportant done and he couldn't say no. Heck, I remember one night we had to put being intimate on hold because he was waiting for a phone call from his dad for something that could have waited.

So, there were some huge     regarding his family dynamics, but since mine aren't perfect either I figured he had overcome them as I have with mine. I mean, we're adults and should have worked through our s&%$ by this point.

[raisins3142]

Her dad is a diagnosed NPD that abandoned the family repeatedly, had affairs, and favored my ex's younger brother heavily.

Her mom abandoned her to live with her alcoholic, promiscuous, unfaithful grandmother when the younger brother was born (my ex was 2 at the time).

The dad and mom are divorced and slowly got their stuff together.

Her brother is idealized in the family.  He is high level military.  Seems like a narcissist.  My ex has pictures of him all over and it seems almost incestuous. 

My ex does not remember most of her childhood.  Spoke of verbal, physical, and emotional abuse.  I would not be surprised if there was sexual abuse as well.

Horrible.  And I totally dislike her family for it.  When you are around them, even extended family, it is obvious that they are not wrapped too tight.  It is totally understandable how she became as she is, but I can't be around it.

[iluminati]

Is it OK if I write a novel?

Here's the short version.  My exBPDw grew up with her mother's family for the most part.  They're a family of very devout hardcore Southern Baptists, to the point that when her grandma died, the clergy at her funeral was about 100.  Her grandparents were well-known ministers in their hometown, but behind closed doors, her grandma had known "nerve issues" and was on anti-depressants when she died of natural causes.  Her grandfather seems like a major co-dependent, because he ran the ministry, took care of all the kids, cleaned the house and even worked extra jobs to keep the house afloat when the collections were short... .while the grandmother stayed at home all day, watched TV, binged on food and kept the family in debt buying church-lady clothes.  My exBPDw admitted that her grandma taught her how to binge eat.

Her mom was a major codependent as well.  She split with my ex's father (and later reconciled) to marry someone who had some major issues to the point where he'd only shower once a week or every other week.  She was mostly left to fend for herself (when she wasn't getting beaten by her mom... .but that's another story).  Eventually, her mom left no shower dude and reconciled with her father.

Now, the father's family is... .interesting.  I'll put it to you like this; out of his mom, himself and 2 siblings, only one sibling died of natural causes.  The mother apparently drank herself to death Amy Winehouse-style without the hit records.  The sister died of a heroin overdose young, but not before having 7 kids by 7 different men.  The father was addicted to booze, heroin and cocaine and was also selling "product".  He did clean up for a bit, got his LCSW and worked as an addiction counselor.  He fell off the cart, started dealing again and did several years in jail while me and the ex were together.  He was recently murdered in a drug deal gone bad... .in his house with my ex's mom and sister around.

But publicly, they are the most Christian people on the planet.  Yeah... .

[Jack2727]

My ex's family was a mess

Grandparents on father side

Grandfather: Was a pilot, cheated on his first wife with a flight attendant. Her father was a result of the affair.

Grandmother: Was the flight attendant

Grandparents on mothers side

Grandfather: Brooding, alcoholic, used to abuse her mother, aunts uncles

Grandmother: Very religious, holds grudges, scheming, probably other mental issues but didn't know her well.

Father: Firefighter/EMT, adrenaline junkee, collector/hoarder, excessive spender, built a garage that is bigger than his house, major depression issues, religious.

Mother: Has suspected BPD tendencies, came out as lesbian, lesbian girlfriend is "butch" type, blackbelt in karate, bad relationship with my ex, lied for years about her sexuality, periods of no contact with daughters.

[StarOfTheSea]

Oh I also forgot to add that my exBPDbf's dad has been in a r/s with a woman for nearly a decade and won't marry her, no matter how many comments she makes about wanting to marry. The woman even bought herself a ring so it looks like they're married. Seems like commitment issues and emotional unavailability run in the family. His brother is a drug and alcohol abuser with numerous children by different women.

And one more kicker about his family: they're some of the most bigoted, racist people I know (my ex included, but I found that out too late) and the ex is engaged to a woman with Latin and Asian heritage. Wonder how uncomfortable family get togethers will be? In a way I feel sorry for my replacement, but she has history with him so she should know what she's stepping into.

I look at things now and I feel RELIEF that I dodged a huge bullet. That could have been my life, yikes!

[Invictus01]

My ex's mom is as narcissistic as it gets. A brilliant business woman who has her own actuary firm and is very well respected in the field. This being said, she has no business being a mother because she doesn't know what it means not to put herself over anything and anybody. As my ex told me, she disappeared out of her life early on (not physically, but emotionally). Her mother was never supportive of her, never told her she was proud of her. In fact, when she was applying for colleges and her mom found out the choice of her school, she told her "Why did you even bother, you aren't good enough to get in to that school". My ex did. Then my ex and her brother go to that school and her brother has a mental breakdown and ends up in a mental institution and gets diagnosed as a bipolar. Her mom refuses to leave her company to come over half way across the country to take care of her son and tells my ex it was her problem to take care of. I can only imagine what she was putting up with from her mom when she was growing up. She also told me that her mom likes to be horribly mean to guys my ex introduced her to, she "likes to make them cry". When I met her mom, none of that happened which had my ex horribly perplexed. She told me "I have never seen my mom behave so nicely with anybody. That's the nicest I have ever seen her. That was weird." I was dumped 3 weeks later.

Now, of course, Cluster Bs are known to make up outrageous stories to get some pity out of people, but here is the deal - the hatred towards her mom runs soo deep, she even changed her last name so that she got nothing to do with her. THAT you can't make up.

[Meatball/88]

Now that I look back on my SO family life seems normal but when I hear about my SO stepdad accusing her mother of having incestual relationship with SO younger brother and SO biodad confessing that all of her mothers psychologists believe she was molested as a child. Biodad is a real bible thumper and truely believes that God cures all. Once while SO and her brother were visiting for summer break biodad took her prescription meds and flushed them saying that God would heal her and medicine wouldn't help. Biomom is over protective and verbally abusive. Always putting SO down. Biomom does spoil the brother. I mean any whim he has biomother fullfills. He has never had to work or had any sort of responsibly everything is handed over. Biomom even gives the brother his child support check while biodad gives him $200 more every week. Biomom doesn't understand why he brother is so disrespectful. He treats her like crap steps all over her. Biodad isn't close to SO and from what I've seen she cannot stand him. SO and Biomom had issues while living together SO eVen struck one time. Biomom has repeatedly kicked SO out withholds affection. Putting the pieces together it seems that is the reason for BPD.