So sick of myself

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I've had this creeping feeling over the last few weeks and its only now that I'm deciding to take any action. As for all of us, the horrible relationship breakup has really shone a light into all areas of my life and lead me down lots of paths including self analysis and self improvement. I've been floating for the past 11 months since I left my wife, often in a lot of emotional pain, feeling a lot of guilt and honestly, expecting to be rescued by someone, maybe her, but certainly someone from my own rottenness. I've been heartbroken that no one came. It seems that when you're at your absolute lowest, people keep away from fear of catching it. So looks like its up to me.

This is the longest I've ever been single and the thought of being with someone else just turns my stomach and I'm coming to the conclusion this is because I turn my stomach. That sounds dramatic and self defeatest but its not, I feel liberated finally admitting I am sick of myself. I'm fat, I've been fat for 20 years, different levels of fat but basically fat and unhealthy. I'm sick of carrying around the burden of weight, I'm sick of carrying around the burden of mind of this breakup, I'm sick of hating her. I eat bad food, I smoke, I have a very well paid job which doesn't challenge me at all in which I feel like a total charlatan, it doesn't feel good to get paid for something that's a) too easy and b) utterly pointless - the company I work in doesn't really produce anything of value and my role there is basically to make an already super rich man much richer, I've been making already rich men richer for 10 years and I'm sick of that too. It's not that I want to be rich, but it seems if I have a talent anywhere this is the last thing I should be doing.

A couple of days ago I saw this photo of a girl in Syria, it went around Twitter, and the terror in her eyes simply made me stop and realise that everything must change. All my priorities are wrong. I'm not 100% sure what I should be doing and how I should be living but I'm very sure that being a fat, smoking, friendless, rich recluse who is desperately unhappy with 0 sex drive and a burning hatred for the ex surely can't be the way.

It has to stop and for the first time ever I actually believe that I will stop. Stop smoking, get fit and put my life to better use and to try to find it within myself to forgive my wife and myself. Honestly, its gross, really gross to be sitting around totally idle with many blessings and not using my talents to help anyone in the world ever.

Could this be the gift of BPD people talk about? Something about me drew her energy to mine, just a different toxicity.

[Trog]

I've had this creeping feeling over the last few weeks and its only now that I'm deciding to take any action. As for all of us, the horrible relationship breakup has really shone a light into all areas of my life and lead me down lots of paths including self analysis and self improvement. I've been floating for the past 11 months since I left my wife, often in a lot of emotional pain, feeling a lot of guilt and honestly, expecting to be rescued by someone, maybe her, but certainly someone from my own rottenness. I've been heartbroken that no one came. It seems that when you're at your absolute lowest, people keep away from fear of catching it. So looks like its up to me.

This is the longest I've ever been single and the thought of being with someone else just turns my stomach and I'm coming to the conclusion this is because I turn my stomach. That sounds dramatic and self defeatest but its not, I feel liberated finally admitting I am sick of myself. I'm fat, I've been fat for 20 years, different levels of fat but basically fat and unhealthy. I'm sick of carrying around the burden of weight, I'm sick of carrying around the burden of mind of this breakup, I'm sick of hating her. I eat bad food, I smoke, I have a very well paid job which doesn't challenge me at all in which I feel like a total charlatan, it doesn't feel good to get paid for something that's a) too easy and b) utterly pointless - the company I work in doesn't really produce anything of value and my role there is basically to make an already super rich man much richer, I've been making already rich men richer for 10 years and I'm sick of that too. It's not that I want to be rich, but it seems if I have a talent anywhere this is the last thing I should be doing.

A couple of days ago I saw this photo of a girl in Syria, it went around Twitter, and the terror in her eyes simply made me stop and realise that everything must change. All my priorities are wrong. I'm not 100% sure what I should be doing and how I should be living but I'm very sure that being a fat, smoking, friendless, rich recluse who is desperately unhappy with 0 sex drive and a burning hatred for the ex surely can't be the way.

It has to stop and for the first time ever I actually believe that I will stop. Stop smoking, get fit and put my life to better use and to try to find it within myself to forgive my wife and myself. Honestly, its gross, really gross to be sitting around totally idle with many blessings and not using my talents to help anyone in the world ever.

Could this be the gift of BPD people talk about? Something about me drew her energy to mine, just a different toxicity.

[GrowThroughIt]

I've had this creeping feeling over the last few weeks and its only now that I'm deciding to take any action. As for all of us, the horrible relationship breakup has really shone a light into all areas of my life and lead me down lots of paths including self analysis and self improvement. I've been floating for the past 11 months since I left my wife, often in a lot of emotional pain, feeling a lot of guilt and honestly, expecting to be rescued by someone, maybe her, but certainly someone from my own rottenness. I've been heartbroken that no one came. It seems that when you're at your absolute lowest, people keep away from fear of catching it. So looks like its up to me.

This is the longest I've ever been single and the thought of being with someone else just turns my stomach and I'm coming to the conclusion this is because I turn my stomach. That sounds dramatic and self defeatest but its not, I feel liberated finally admitting I am sick of myself. I'm fat, I've been fat for 20 years, different levels of fat but basically fat and unhealthy. I'm sick of carrying around the burden of weight, I'm sick of carrying around the burden of mind of this breakup, I'm sick of hating her. I eat bad food, I smoke, I have a very well paid job which doesn't challenge me at all in which I feel like a total charlatan, it doesn't feel good to get paid for something that's a) too easy and b) utterly pointless - the company I work in doesn't really produce anything of value and my role there is basically to make an already super rich man much richer, I've been making already rich men richer for 10 years and I'm sick of that too. It's not that I want to be rich, but it seems if I have a talent anywhere this is the last thing I should be doing.

A couple of days ago I saw this photo of a girl in Syria, it went around Twitter, and the terror in her eyes simply made me stop and realise that everything must change. All my priorities are wrong. I'm not 100% sure what I should be doing and how I should be living but I'm very sure that being a fat, smoking, friendless, rich recluse who is desperately unhappy with 0 sex drive and a burning hatred for the ex surely can't be the way.

It has to stop and for the first time ever I actually believe that I will stop. Stop smoking, get fit and put my life to better use and to try to find it within myself to forgive my wife and myself. Honestly, its gross, really gross to be sitting around totally idle with many blessings and not using my talents to help anyone in the world ever.

Could this be the gift of BPD people talk about? Something about me drew her energy to mine, just a different toxicity.

Hey man,

I'll let you into a little secret. The majority of people are. In one way or another, they are sick of something. 9 times out of 10 they are sick of themselves, they just don't see it. 2 out of those 9 finally admit with certainty that it is themselves they are sick of. 1 out of those 9, actually does something about it.

We have a choice. We are at a crossroad. Our r/s's with our N/BPD ex's proved something to us, that we knew for a long time, but buried. We are sick of ourselves. We allowed these toxic people into our lives. Why? We are ourselves toxic.

I can only guess at how you feel, and only assume that we must both feel the same. I can only hope, that we will go on to better ourselves. Truly better ourselves!

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm very sure that being a fat, smoking, friendless, rich recluse who is desperately unhappy with 0 sex drive and a burning hatred for the ex surely can't be the way.

Well when you put it that way... .

It has to stop and for the first time ever I actually believe that I will stop. Stop smoking, get fit and put my life to better use and to try to find it within myself to forgive my wife and myself. Honestly, its gross, really gross to be sitting around totally idle with many blessings and not using my talents to help anyone in the world ever.

Good for you man!  The two motivators in the human personality are avoiding pain and seeking pleasure, and avoiding pain is more powerful, at least in the short term.  Using the pain of your disgust in yourself is very good, it's enough to get you off your ass, but it's not enough to keep you there, since once you start eating right, exercising, quit smoking, notice you're breathing better, lose some weight, and are feeling a little better, the motivation will go away, because the pain went away.  The other piece is to develop a compelling vision for the future; the pain will push you into action and the vision will pull you into your future, they work well together.

Also, when you notice progress towards the life of your dreams momentum will build, and you'll be so busy living that life that your wife will just fade into the past, become less of a focus or none at all.  Forgiving yourself is a good idea, in fact you can choose to believe that building a future you love is atonement and forgiveness, extra motivation.

Could this be the gift of BPD people talk about?

Yep, exactly.  Run with it man, borderlines can take us to places we never knew possible, on both ends of the spectrum, might as well use the upside now.  Take care of you!

[Trog]

I agree that the life purpose bit needs to come into play. There's some good stuff at actualized on this. I'm quite sure by quiting smoking and losing weight I could be a little less sick of myself and let the levels build back up again.

I think meditation, and consciousness and looking for your purpose will help carry me thru. I really don't have a choice. In every other past breakup I've got back on the horse easy enough, was happy to date, but this is different, I can not imagine even the basics, sitting watching tv with another woman. So either I make the changes or I don't know what  will happen.

Well, day 1 and 24 hours without a cigarette and a 12k walk. Good start.

[fromheeltoheal]

Well, day 1 and 24 hours without a cigarette and a 12k walk. Good start.

WooHoo!  I hear momentum building, good for you man!

[Trog]

Well, day 1 and 24 hours without a cigarette and a 12k walk. Good start.

WooHoo!  I hear momentum building, good for you man!

Thank you.

And it was fun (that walk, the cigarette craving was terrible esp with coffee).

[ADecadeLost]

Well, day 1 and 24 hours without a cigarette and a 12k walk. Good start.

Heck of a start.  Good for you, Trog.  Stick with it.  It's going to be well worth it in the long run.

[heartandwhole]

Trog, I applaud you.    You have taken that first, most important step: wanting to change. Once that seed of desire starts sprouting, it will fight to grow into its full expression—all you need to do is water that baby!

These changes will bring up feelings in you; remember that feelings need their life, too, in order to transform, so just feel the sensations in your body and let them go away as they naturally do... .you don't have to attach a story to them, just try to embrace them compassionately and let them move through you.

This is a wonderful gift that you are giving yourself, Trog. Keep us posted and share you triumphs and challenges with us.  

heartandwhole

[Grey Kitty]

This is the longest I've ever been single and the thought of being with someone else just turns my stomach and I'm coming to the conclusion this is because I turn my stomach. That sounds dramatic and self defeatest but its not, I feel liberated finally admitting I am sick of myself. I'm fat, I've been fat for 20 years, different levels of fat but basically fat and unhealthy. I'm sick of carrying around the burden of weight, I'm sick of carrying around the burden of mind of this breakup, I'm sick of hating her. I eat bad food, I smoke, I have a very well paid job which doesn't challenge me at all in which I feel like a total charlatan, it doesn't feel good to get paid for something that's a) too easy and b) utterly pointless - the company I work in doesn't really produce anything of value and my role there is basically to make an already super rich man much richer, I've been making already rich men richer for 10 years and I'm sick of that too.

This sounds good as I hear it.

If you are unable to see what your choices in life are, what you are doing, you aren't going to change any of it.

That you are starting to look clearly at how you are living your life, and what you are doing to your body is the first step to doing anything different.

Try not to get lost in hating yourself for what you have done--that won't help you get out of it... .but it is OK to be angry about it for a while.


... .I saw one word in there that you didn't expand upon: "friendless"... .

Are you saying that there is nobody in your life who accepts you as who you are, and that you can be honest and comfortable with? Friends, family, coworkers, etc.

Spend some time taking an inventory of all the people who are in your life... .and think about which ones you admire and respect the most... .which ones you feel most comfortable when you are with them or talking to them.

Think about what you can do to build up the better and healthier relationships in your life. In this case, I mean non-romantic ones, with either men or women.

[fromheeltoheal]

These changes will bring up feelings in you; remember that feelings need their life, too, in order to transform, so just feel the sensations in your body and let them go away as they naturally do... .you don't have to attach a story to them, just try to embrace them compassionately and let them move through you.

Awesome advice.  And while you're at it Trog, remember that you are not your feelings, and as you're not attaching a story to them, stay focused on the future you want to create for yourself as you process whatever emotions come up.  Take care of you!

[Trog]

I moved countries and I'm self isolating at the moment. As I explained in another thread being a social/party setting with a woman is a really bad thing for me atm. I've had two women show me some interest since I split with my ex, neither of which instigated by me and both of which ended with my rejection of them and their subsequent "there's something wrong with you" sentences because I rejected sex. One called me a creep, which is unpleasant and the other told me I just needed to "get over wife" 3 months after the split. I see they are both morons probably wounded by rejection but when you're already quite unsure of yourself it doesn't help.

I do go to meetups and out with work friends, but I'm just not keen on making any new friends, I do not trust myself or my judgement.

[Rifka]

Well, day 1 and 24 hours without a cigarette and a 12k walk. Good start

Great job! Keep going with this, one day at a time!

[Grey Kitty]

I moved countries and I'm self isolating at the moment.

... .

I do go to meetups and out with work friends, but I'm just not keen on making any new friends, I do not trust myself or my judgement.

You have some stuff to work out with yourself. Having extra solitary time is a good choice for you now.

As I explained in another thread being a social/party setting with a woman is a really bad thing for me atm. I've had two women show me some interest since I split with my ex, neither of which instigated by me and both of which ended with my rejection of them and their subsequent "there's something wrong with you" sentences because I rejected sex. One called me a creep, which is unpleasant and the other told me I just needed to "get over wife" 3 months after the split. I see they are both morons probably wounded by rejection but when you're already quite unsure of yourself it doesn't help.

Yes, your rejection sucks (for them). And people who handle it like they did suck a lot more!

A person who wants sex with you... .even when you don't want it... .and gets mad at you ... .IS NOT HEALTHY.

I have been historically shy and not approached women. I recently read a dating advice site which made this point about the women who approach guys:

Social norms say that men should approach women, and women should wait to be approached by men. [Since you aren't interested in sex/dating today, there sure isn't anything wrong with you for not approaching women!] The women who break this norm are in one of two categories.

1. Women who are too psycho to care about social norms, or perhaps so far out there that they didn't even notice! (You're 2/2 thus far!)

2. Women who are healthy and confident enough to care about what they want, instead of what society says they should want. (If you had found one of those, she would have been respectful of your desire not to have sex!)