Your experience with BPD impulsive spending

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When I met my ex undiagnosed BPDgf she was 23 and had somehow accumulated well over 50 pairs of high heel shoes/boots, well over 300 DVD's and well over 500 CD's. She had a regular drinking habit, was a smoker, ate out often (mostly fast food), and was a single mother living on her own with a fairly low paying job. Oh yeah... .and she drove a brand new car on monthly payments.

These should have been my first 'red flags'. Eventually she admitted to sleeping with over 40 men (she wasn't sure on the total count!), many of them married men. How did I ignore all of this and still manage to fall so deeply in love with her despite my reluctance to having a committed relationship with her for so long in the beginning?

How could I miss such blatant displays of impulsivity? I guess my brains went out the window with all the crazy, great sex!

[Infern0]

Mine had a messed up sense of money.

She had a part time job,  but her parents still paid her bills and rent for her. And spent quite a bit of money often buying her gifts,  she was always getting the latest iPhone or iPad or laptop off them.

Even so she still spent outrageous sums of money on expensive clothing and jewelry,  I'm not sure where the money came from tbh.  For all I know she's got a rich sugar daddy.

It just always confused me as I know how much she got paid and I earned approx 5-6 times what she did and yet she had way more disposable income than me. Even if you add in my bills and rent I still should have had quite a bit more free cash than her.

Even when she was off "sick" and had used all of her sick days up she would get paid for like one day of work and complain about having no money,  then a $300 tee shirt would arrive in the post.

I really do wonder. ... .God I hope she's not hooking on the side

[valet]

My ex was actually super responsible with money, but I'm starting to think that it was more of a control issue for her. We ALWAYS had to split meals, and she NEVER wanted me buying her gifts. She would even go as far as not letting me buy kitty litter for her cat sometimes, even though we had lived together for about a year.

I guess that these aren't obviously abnormal things, but the amount of concern she put toward maintaining some kind of financial balance (even about the most trivial things) should have been a big red flag for me.

I know that this might be bad thinking, but I'm kind of licking my chops at the idea of running into her somewhere in a few months/years, because I know she'll be a completely unrecognizable person to me at that point. I think that this will offer me a deep sense of satisfaction, and it will be the moment in which I completely get over her.

[Mister Brightside]

My ex was actually super responsible with money, but I'm starting to think that it was more of a control issue for her. We ALWAYS had to split meals, and she NEVER wanted me buying her gifts. She would even go as far as not letting me buy kitty litter for her cat sometimes, even though we had lived together for about a year.

I guess that these aren't obviously abnormal things, but the amount of concern she put toward maintaining some kind of financial balance (even about the most trivial things) should have been a big red flag for me.

The one I was involved with was good with her money too, and is always working, so as impulsive as borderlines can be, they have control in some areas of their lives. Maybe that's mostly true for the high functioning ones and/or the ones who also have NPD.

To further confuse matters for me, this one doesn't mind spending money on others and hated the idea of receiving gifts. I'm assuming that meant she wanted to be in control by making people feel obligated to respect her but didn't want to feel that obligation in return. I didn't know her long enough to really give her anything, but she complained about some of the gifts her exes had given her, so maybe that was her narcissism speaking.

[4Years5Months]

This was always a BPD characteristic that was hard to see with my ex.  She never spent money she didn't have, but she spent almost ALL of the money she DID have.  She would have less than $20 at the end of every paycheck, and would constantly say she never had enough money.  Part of this was she did all of her grocery shopping at Whole Foods, and had a 2013 car she bought brand new.  She should have bought a high mileage used car with her income, but she has to have name brand, top notch everything.

Her mother is her times 50000, though.  I see where she gets her BPD characteristics.  Her mom had $50,000 in credit card debt paid off by her family, and within two years had $60,000 racked up again.  The family stopped funneling her money, and now she has police officers showing up at her apartment (my ex lives with her, a terrible dynamic) with court summons for not paying bills.  She still goes out, almost every night.  My ex always put down this kind of behavior, but after breaking up with me (again) recently, she has been going out every night with my replacement and work friends.  Now, she's posting on Facebook about how busy she is.  And she had two maxed out credit cards when I last spoke to her, too.

My ex would have impulsive IDEAS, but I would squash them because well, I like having money.  She always wanted us to go get a downtown hotel for the weekend, and go to a ton of restaurants and eateries, a "staycation" as she called it.  I never let it happen.  What do you think was the first big thing she did with my replacement?  She must have posted 20 photos and 25 check-ins on Facebook that weekend.  Of course she did.  How much did that cost?

We went to New York in December, all of it paid by her family as her graduation present from college.  It was a fabulous time.  Two weeks after we returned, she was detaching from me.  She ended things a month later.  Last week, I casually posted on a mutual friend's Facebook status that I was taking a vacation this fall (she unfriended me a while ago) and wouldn't you know it, TWO HOURS later, she posted a status saying "Planning another trip to NYC in the very near future!"  I have no doubt she saw my comments and made the impulsive decision to "announce" her next trip.  Childish.

[Invictus01]

My was good with money, at least when she was with me. Like it was mentioned above, she is a very high functioning person with a heavy NPD streak. She got into credit card debt issues when she was in college, but paid all that off and was really proud of it (as she should be). What was a bit weird is that she had a completely empty apartment. I wrote it off to her being in her mid 20s and maybe not having enough money to get enough furniture to furnish her apartment but she had two absolutely empty rooms, a couch and a TV in the living room and a bed in the bedroom. That's about it. It was pretty weird to be in her place.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Unfortunately, my ex's impulsive spending created more stress for her than she needed. It also helped solidify the mindset she clearly has that she can't take care of herself and needs someone to take care of her.

She didn't spend outrageously, but because she spent extra money on several small things, it ultimately led to her not having enough to pay her bills on time. That led to her accruing late fees, which over time made it appear she didn't make enough money to live on.

Let's see, new car every 3 yrs, kids in private school, kids with a private caregiver who picked them up and and stayed with them until she got home from work each day, a nice wardrobe, trips all over the country at fine restaurants and hotels (provided by me) and still she just didn't have "enough" money. She had enough money. She was just lousy at taking care of her finances.

[antelope]

mine was horrendous with money

spent everything she made on clothes, ran up all her cc, never had cash, declared bankruptcy, borrowed big chunks of $ from previous bfs and friends, acted VERY mysteriously with $ sometimes, etc... .

her best quote?  "these closets are so small, I hate them"   ... .b/c its the closet's fault it's overflowing with clothes 

[Gonzalo]

My ex- just didn't seem to have any concept of how money works, and believed that she would always be poor and in debt so didn't try to get on top of he financial situation. She resented me trying to exert control over my own money, and had some rages about me not wanting to spend stuff she wanted to, and never seemed to accept that I know a lot more about managing money than her. She did tend to spend off her paycheck when she had one (she was unemployed about half the time we lived together), but not with the kind of wild outrageous stuff some people are describing. Somehow I had less money living with her than I did alone, which is crazy. It's also pretty sad, because if she could have dropped $500/month or so into the household, we would have been on easy street for all of the kind of stuff we like to do. (splitting a 2-bedroom, utilities, and some food will usually cost more than that around here)

[parisian]

I don't really know what my exBPDgf's financial situation was fully. I expect she lied to me when we first got together, telling me she had a six figure sum in the bank... .she earns good money and has two houses however her impulsive spending was pretty obvious. She was addicted to buying DVDs. Had hundreds and hundreds of them. Was always buying something new to watch. Was also an impulsive spender on holidays buying all manner of souvenir crap that was supposedly for family/friends, but then would just leave it lying around.

She said to me she was a hoarder, and whilst her hoarding habits weren't bad (ie stuff wasn't blocking doorways or rooms), she did have what I would call an excess of stuff. Then I read about object permanence and I realise the reason she keeps all her crap is to remind herself possibly of good things from her past.

Some nons impulsively spend too of course.

[Davef]

When I met my ex undiagnosed BPDgf she was 23 and had somehow accumulated well over 50 pairs of high heel shoes/boots, well over 300 DVD's and well over 500 CD's. She had a regular drinking habit, was a smoker, ate out often (mostly fast food), and was a single mother living on her own with a fairly low paying job. Oh yeah... .and she drove a brand new car on monthly payments.

These should have been my first 'red flags'. Eventually she admitted to sleeping with over 40 men (she wasn't sure on the total count!), many of them married men. How did I ignore all of this and still manage to fall so deeply in love with her despite my reluctance to having a committed relationship with her for so long in the beginning?

How could I miss such blatant displays of impulsivity? I guess my brains went out the window with all the crazy, great sex!

Gone in 60 seconds... .Did you marry my wife by chance LOL. I know I shouldnt be laughing but that is my ex to a T. I too fell for her hook line and sinker and looking back on it I thought I could help her and of course the sex was amazing.

[Inside]

Mine was high functioning, with a decent job being her only positive achievement in life.  But she’d push the limits of employment, arriving late and using every minute of sick leave or vacation time.  And though she made 3 times what I did - she was always broke, as I paid for nearly everything.

Into her forties, she rented.  Owning my place, I helped her find and purchase a house … for which she still owes me some.  Mine’s major problem was attempting to buy her boys anything & everything in an attempt to make up for not being there as a mother (the boys were raised by her parents or their fathers).  So she bought them new vehicles, trashed.  Prestigious college, tons of loan debt.  The latest attire, unappreciated.  Housing, concert tickets, plane tickets and elaborate vacations with ‘the boys’... . 

It seemed I had to teach her restraint, with a couple of daughters around the same age.  And because I still had some money - I was accused of being too tight…  Seems a whole lotta situations with her had me looking like the only adult in the room!  Well, she can now add a ... 28 year mortgage to her mountain of debt and plan on working till she drops … as I tinker with early retirement

[Sofie]

My ex had a really strange relationship to money. One one hand, she was extremely stingy - could complain for hours on end about the price of a simple household item and would never spend a dime she absolutely didn't need to on other people. (Except on overly excessive gifts for me while we were still in the honeymoon phase.)

On the other hand, she shopped as a way to self-soothe way beyond what she could afford. It was as if she was extremely tight with money, as long as the money spent didn't help to self-soothe, and completely out of control if self-soothing was the purpose. Apple products, especially, was her vice - I still remember her coming home with one white and one black sparkling new IPhone, because she just HAD to have both on them... .on a meager freelance salary. She is in credit card debt up to her eyeballs by now.

[Hope0807]

Mine:  zero restraint, over-tipped, hemorrhages money daily, and never opened or paid bills until something was shut off.  He explained his car repo and bad utility payment habits (prior to meeting me) on "struggling to get back on his feet" after taking time off work to mourn the death of his parent. 

Silly me thought I was in financial "control" making sure all the cc and utility payments were made regularly…little did I know he was a horror show with money and ALL was OUT of control.

[Maternus]

Mine often did not open her mailbox for days, did not open invoices, was debt-ridden - but the worst of all was, I was enabling her. My father did the same all his life and I thought: "Hey, she is as easy as my father. Why worry?"

[ThanksForPlaying]

My uBPDexgf would spend every penny and then tell me "all you care about is money - I care about love."

Not that I'm trying to hoard cash, just trying to balance what's coming in and going out - and that's with a relatively  high income. She had no concept of that.