constantly confused

[Fresia*]

 

Since I have joined this site a lot has happened with my SO.

I have decided that I cannot live like this anymore and infant to split.

The final straw was an evening away for a friend's wedding. We actually had a great evening until we got back to our hotel room. He just turned on me verbally. He was so angry with me all of a sudden as I had got into bed wrong. I was crying and asking him to stop, and he just continued to say really nasty things to me. It resulted in people staying in the neighbouring room calling security, it was very humiliating sitting there but equally I felt safe somehow knowing someone was trying to help. When they left he continued to shout at me and took off my eternity ring. The following am before checkout the police arrived. I had to sit and explain what had happened and they took all the details of our 4 year old son. This is the 4th time either a hospital or police have been involved and taken outbound details.

For me it was the last straw and I need to protect our son.

Why do I still feel guilty?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Aurylian]

So sorry to hear about the rough evening.  I dread weddings because it can often bring out dysregulation in my BPDw.

What do you feel guilty about? 

What do you wish you would have done differently?

[lbjnltx]

Hello Fresia*

I'm sorry that you had to go through that.   

Making these kind of decisions about relationships will have positive and negative consequences. Doing the right thing often does too.

Since you share a son with your husband it will be of the utmost importance to learn how to best communicate with him for your son's sake and to make your life as easy as possible.  The best place to learn how to do this is the Staying Board.  The lessons and the skills on that board are what you will need initially as you make these life changing choices.

The members here on the Staying board will support you and help you learn.



lbj

[Mike-X]

I am sorry for what you are going through. I remember many times receiving verbal barrages from my udxGF after events where it seemed like we had a great time.

Have you had a chance to read through the lessons? In particular, have you read about FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) in relationships with a person with BPD?

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Fresia,  Wow!  How upsetting.  I am sorry you went through this.  The most important thing is the safety of you and your son.  You are right, your son needs protection.  It sounds like you are being strong.  Good for you.

As Mike-X mentioned, feeling guilty in these relationships is probably due to Emotional Blackmail.  Here is an excerpt from the book by that title:


Emotional Blackmail and FOG, terms coined by psychotherapist Susan Forward, PhD, are about controlling people in relationships and the theory that fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled. Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior of another person, and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others... .

Also, your I noticed the topic of your thread is "constantly confused".  In my experience, I often felt confused.  I finally realized that the confusion was because of my denial.  For a long time, I just couldn't or wouldn't see the reality of my relationship with my uBPDh. Everytime he was nice, I felt like we had finally turned a corner and things would be good, until they were bad again and I would feel confused once again.

Finally, I was able to accept that my husband was going to cycle through these mood swings including really scary rages, and emotional dysregulations.  That he would see things black/white, etc.

By studying the lessons on this site, going to therapy and reading "Stop Caretaking the Borerline or Narcissist in Your Life ", I have slowly become unconfused.

I hope things get much better for you and your son, and your husband. 

One thing I have learned, one person can change a relationship.  If you get better, the relationship cannot stay the same. 

Take care, and i will be interested in hearing how you are doing.

[Fresia*]

Thank you so much for your messages, it is so beneficial discussing with people who can acknowledge and understand the problems.

Aurylian - I guess I feel guilty as the split is hurting my SO and begging me to change my mind. I am not sure what I would have done differently... .become an expert in BPD NPD OCD, and been better and living with it all - but I don't think I can be that person.

LBJ - I will look at the staying board. I have reassured my SO  I still want /need him to part of our sons life, so I need to continue my learning in order to achieve this.

Mike-X & mustbeabetterway - I have definitely been in denial. I always seem to just close a box move on and then so confused when we ended up back at the beginning again. The statement on FOG makes sense.

I am being strong and looking at it all very practically like a robot or project at work. As my SO is crying I am just getting frustrated all of the time. It makes me feel like I am being nasty but I know emotionally I have moved on now. My heart is still broken but I'm just etting my computer take over and not my inner chimp. Of course I cry and feel so unhappy but I am just looking for distraction all of the time.

Thank-you to each of you for the messages.