Recent breakup

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My fella and I split up less than a week ago. I'm struggling to stop thinking about him obsessively. We were together for approximately 7 months and I got really hooked into trying to help him. I'd read enough about BPD to be frightened that the 'true love' he professed for me was only an expression of BPD and he'd turn on me in the end but he said that this time it was different and he was feeling love for the very first time. And I really wanted to believe him. I felt lonely and his texts made me feel that there was someone else in the world who cared about me. I felt loved by him in a way that I'd never felt loved by else and that tenderness extended to the bedroom. I thought I'd found my soul mate and he said the same. Now I have no idea what to believe anymore.

Recently, we have had a series of minor incidents (over attending a disco and a day trip) that blew up out of all proportion and which led to threats he'd leave and eventually him actually doing so. I got the impression that he blamed me for not considering his feelings yet I was trying to figure out what they were. I have been reading about BPD and it seems utterly hopeless and that all I can actually do is focus upon mending my broken heart and coming to terms with the fact that I am not as special as I felt I was when I was reflected in his eyes.

[Lifewriter16]

My fella and I split up less than a week ago. I'm struggling to stop thinking about him obsessively. We were together for approximately 7 months and I got really hooked into trying to help him. I'd read enough about BPD to be frightened that the 'true love' he professed for me was only an expression of BPD and he'd turn on me in the end but he said that this time it was different and he was feeling love for the very first time. And I really wanted to believe him. I felt lonely and his texts made me feel that there was someone else in the world who cared about me. I felt loved by him in a way that I'd never felt loved by else and that tenderness extended to the bedroom. I thought I'd found my soul mate and he said the same. Now I have no idea what to believe anymore.

Recently, we have had a series of minor incidents (over attending a disco and a day trip) that blew up out of all proportion and which led to threats he'd leave and eventually him actually doing so. I got the impression that he blamed me for not considering his feelings yet I was trying to figure out what they were. I have been reading about BPD and it seems utterly hopeless and that all I can actually do is focus upon mending my broken heart and coming to terms with the fact that I am not as special as I felt I was when I was reflected in his eyes.

[Mutt]

Hi Lifewriter16,



I'm sorry your going through this. When a person with traits of borderline personality traits breaks-up with a non-disordered person it's chaotic, confusing and traumatic.

Many members here can relate. I'm glad that you have found us. There is hope.

A pwBPD often test their partners and in this case he could be testing if you were to abandon him.

[Restored2]

I join Mutt in welcoming you to this very supportive family, Lifewriter16.  My heart goes out to you.  I can relate to what you are going through, as mine did a number on me too.  We all have our various stories dealing with the challenges of BPD people and relationships.

Obsessive thinking is understandable considering the length of time and dynamics of your relationship with him and the way that he broke up with you.  His text messages not only connected you to him but validated/affirmed you as well. Overreactions are common place for people suffering with BPD.  It is a very confusing disorder to comprehend.

Check out the article:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/Dr-Jekyll-and-Mr-Hyde

I would encourage you to make yourself a priority with self care for healing and learn all that you can about BPD.

There is always hope... . 

[Lifewriter16]

I've just read the article 'The Biology of Breaking Up' and I certainly feel like an addict who has been deprived of her drug. It is unnerving to realise that my response is down to me not simply caused by my pwBPDx.

My pwBPDx says he wants to 'resume our friendship' (by which he says he means 'let's put the past in the past and be friends' because my friendship it is 'very important' to him. He says he can meet me 'when the dust has settled' which he says means when we have 'allowed' ourselves 'time to process what happened between us' and suggests that he could meet me next week.

He can't possibly think I will be over it within a fortnight and ready to be his friend, can he? He is just trying to hook me back in isn't he? What do you think?

[Loosestrife]

I've just read the article 'The Biology of Breaking Up' and I certainly feel like an addict who has been deprived of her drug. It is unnerving to realise that my response is down to me not simply caused by my pwBPDx.

My pwBPDx says he wants to 'resume our friendship' (by which he says he means 'let's put the past in the past and be friends' because my friendship it is 'very important' to him. He says he can meet me 'when the dust has settled' which he says means when we have 'allowed' ourselves 'time to process what happened between us' and suggests that he could meet me next week.

He can't possibly think I will be over it within a fortnight and ready to be his friend, can he? He is just trying to hook me back in isn't he? What do you think?

The one thing I've realised about BPD is that their feelings can be transient depending on their mood. So if he feels better then the world and the relationship are a better place, and the reverse can also be true. Welcome and glad you found the forum 

[Restored2]

I've just read the article 'The Biology of Breaking Up' and I certainly feel like an addict who has been deprived of her drug. It is unnerving to realise that my response is down to me not simply caused by my pwBPDx.

My pwBPDx says he wants to 'resume our friendship' (by which he says he means 'let's put the past in the past and be friends' because my friendship it is 'very important' to him. He says he can meet me 'when the dust has settled' which he says means when we have 'allowed' ourselves 'time to process what happened between us' and suggests that he could meet me next week.

He can't possibly think I will be over it within a fortnight and ready to be his friend, can he? He is just trying to hook me back in isn't he? What do you think?

Hi Lifewriter16.  Glad to hear that you are digesting some material that is helping you to put things in better perspective.  Did you read the Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde article that I posted for you?

I can relate to your feelings of relationship addiction withdrawals, as I felt the same way with mine. 

Regardless of yours wanting to resume friendship with him saying "let's put the past in the past and be friends", I believe that he still has some explaining to provide to you.  What does his definition of "friend" mean? 

For him to suggest meeting with you next week seems somewhat early.  He could be trying to hook you back into the relationship, but on his terms of pull and push.   

Whatever you decide, I would suggest that you cautiously move as though you are treading around landmines with him. 

[Lifewriter16]

Thanks for your replies, they help me feel less alone with this.

Personally, I think I'd be absolutely barmy to agree to meet him next week, so I'm not going to. I feel guilty because I intend to allow the relationship to lapse. I said I loved him and I really felt that and I don't want him to accuse me of not loving him because, if he did that now, the feeling of love has been so buried with anger because he has misled me into assuming an affection that just never existed, that I would feel he was right. I need to hold onto my reality because he twists and turns it so much.

I've just found an email he sent me two days ago that was filtered into the bin. The email re-iterates that we're not right for each other and gives lots of justifications for how things turned out as they did. He's done therapy and all it seems to have done is given him politically correct language to justify his verbal abuse with. I never thought I could end up feeling so much hostility towards someone I loved.

[Lifewriter16]

Hello All,

When I first joined this website in the beginning of April 2015, my BPDxbf and I had just split up. This was three weeks after a previous split in March. Our first split had taken place 6 months before. Since I joined the website, my BPDxbf and I have been merrily recycling. We have split three more times. We've been apart for 9 days so far this time, 2 days last time and 14 days the time before. Between splits, we have been 'together' for no more than 2 weeks (though that doesn't actually mean in each other's company) and each of those weeks included at least one serious additional row where he threatened to leave because he didn't like something I was doing or not doing.

Why do I tell you all this? Basically, because it has been so instructive watching the cycles pass. Because the cycles are so short, it is easier to recognise what has actually been happening and to relate it to what other people on this website have also experienced. His pattern is to threaten to end the relationship as soon as his needs are not being met or whenever I challenge him or his behaviour. When I take him at his word instead of soothing him when he says 'it's over' or 'Goodbye! You'll never hear from me again!', our splits are longer.

I had an email from him this morning saying he hadn't intend us to split up, he just needed a rest from my anger. I saw red. He has often accused me of 'ranting', 'flying off the handle' and other choice expressions, yet he has never seen me furious. He just thinks he has. Even when I know I have been calm, he experiences fury. Even when we have been communicating by text, he experiences me as angry, either because I replied in the wrong way or because I didn't reply or didn't reply immediately. Gradually, this misreading of me has made me more and more angry with him. Right now I have to say that I was furious this morning when I read his email. I typed a furious reply, then moderated it, then moderated it again and finally deleted it and sent nothing at all.

I have to accept this my BPDxbf is one sick cookie and he isn't about to reflect upon why things have gone wrong from my perspective and doesn't listen (or is unable to hear) when I explain or try to set boundaries. He is not going to see that calling me 'cold', 'heartless', 'a coward' and 'a callous b___' is not going to endear me to him. I am angry that he is speaking to me in those terms and never apologises for it afterwards. I am angry that he tries to manipulate me into doing what he expects by threatening to leave me when I step out of line. I am angry that when I said I wished I was dead recently, he told me off for saying it and upsetting him. I am angry about so many things that he has done, like getting angry with me because I needed to have a wee during sex and broke of mid-coitus. So many things he has done have annoyed me. I am permanently annoyed with him because my 'Mr Right' has turned into my 'Mr Nightmare' and I had the courage to leave my husband because of him, just to discover we have no future together. Now I am divorced and alone.

The reality that he does have BPD and it IS a major problem not just something I can 'love away' for him, is really hitting home. It dawned on me this morning that to be angry at a person with BPD for acting like a person with BPD is totally unreasonable. It is time that I forgave him for being ill and moved on. I have to accept that his view on me is incorrect and there is nothing I can ever do to change how he sees me. I have to accept that he may choose to believe that I never loved him because to think anything else would be too challenging for him. There's so much that I have to accept. On the bright side, all that splitting up has worked a lot of tears and sadness out of my system, and now I am stronger. I have had five practice runs at being without him and had ample chance to really experience for myself that he CAN not change rather than WILL not change.

Best wishes to you all,

Lifewriter

[darkhorse]

Omg Lifewriter19 your story is so identical to mine, my BPD broke up with me by text 5 days ago, because I didn't say "I love you" to him fast enough. Two seconds later he accused me of having an affair on him with 6 other men. It probably didn't help that he had stopped taking his meds,( in spite of my strong protests), as he though"my love was healing him on the inside", but we have had break ups when he was on the meds…all as a result of me saying nor not saying something or not meeting his demands fast enough, and again I was having an affair apparently. Sometimes the "crazy" got so bad for me I started appreciating the "normality" of other people that I had a quick chat to at the check out line. I can tell you I was for ever going down the shops to get milk or bread…... We've been together for 17 months and its only been 5 days, its raw and its painful, but all I feel towards him now is extreem anger and resentment. I have a 14 year old son and two weeks ago my exPBD sat at the dinner table and said to my son that he and I were his life……two weeks later we were kicked to the kerb like stray dogs. Im an adult and I can understand his illness a little more than my son…... but seeing my son so confused and sad is killing me. I am so angry with this guy I could rip his head off. I have written him and email making very clear to him to stay away from us, and not to ever contact us again. "He wrote back saying... I feel your sons pain, but you know what you have done, its over! And I can only imagine the horrible things you have told your son about me, what were you thinking you stupid woman!" Im sure you can imagine how fast my anger changed to rage, I may write him a really nasty letter or a few and never send it, just so my head doesn't explode. I know there is no point trying to make him see things from my view, or make him understand, I think a brick wall is more receptive then a person with BPD. I will never have him back, and feel extremely guilty for letting this guy under my roof to mess with my sons head. It breaks my heart. But seeing my son like this also gives me strength to keep this creature away from me.

I come here every single day and read the stories to help me cope. They do help.  All of us have a lot in common, all of us feel or felt a great deal of pain at some stage, some of us have come out of this and have "Happy relationships" ….Stay strong 

[Lifewriter16]

Dear All,

It's now Day 43 of our final b/u. The constant obsessing about my BPDxbf is over, as is the panic that the relationship has ended. In their place, I am feeling sadness because it looks like IT REALLY IS OVER and now I have to find a way to get through the rest of my life. I miss him and I still wish he'd contact me.

Over the last week, I have been berating myself. I've been asking myself why I wasn't willing to put effort into the techniques that would diffuse the conflict, why I was too lazy to try something that could have made a difference. I want to know why I gave up when I knew I loved him so much. I think I gave up because I was convinced he'd leave me in the end anyway and I didn't want to have tried and failed. But, I regret that now. It was a shame that I made my pride more important than what I thought was OUR love. I stopped trying to diffuse situations and joined in. It felt like a power struggle to me, that if I didn't fight for my life, I would disappear. I remember telling him how important it was that I find a way of maintaining myself within the relationship. I told him that if I didn't do that "he'd come home one day and all that would be left of me would be a puddle on the floor". The irony is that when we first started seeing each other, I felt more myself that I ever had, but soon enough I was just draining away. As time went by, I stoked his behaviours instead of trying to dissipate them because I got into a state of permanent panic. I was anxious all the time, but particularly anxious whenever he contacted me. I felt like I was being chased and I didn't like how it felt. I wanted to run and run and never come back. And now I've done that, there IS no way back. I was reacting strongly to every threat to leave and any hint of a threat that he was going to leave and I was frightened by the fact he had a criminal record for assault. I was (and still am frightened) of how he said he threatened his ex-wife with a knife. I came to doubt whether his version of events was actually true, since his version of events between us was inaccurate. Perhaps it wasn't in self-defence and it could be me in her place next time. He could kill me in a rage, where she'd escaped with her life.

Yet, he was so loving to me and when we did actually manage to meet up to talk through the problems that had arisen, he did seem to try to listen and I was surprised when he didn't get defensive about certain things. It made me wonder if I was the problem. The truth is that I don't know how he processed what I said later on. It was usually what he thought when he wasn't with me that caused all the problems. Without the constant reminder by my physical presence that I was not his parents, he so easily reacted to me as if I were them. His punitive parent would kick in within 5 minutes of leaving my house and we'd be off again... .

So, here I am posting once more. I have become addicted to this website as a substitute for him. You are my only valid point of contact with him and even that is all a fantasy. So, it was probably good that I went on holiday last week. I need to break this false connection too. However, I'm continuing to post because I can feel depression coming on. I may be addicted to this website but I'm also very alone and I need the support. I lived my whole life searching for that one true love and having believed I found it and then having witnessed it going so very sour, my whole life's meaning has gone. I don't know what to do with the rest of my life. I need to find something else to live for. I need a purpose but I just feel lost. A part of me is missing now. My yearning for love makes me vulnerable to him. It makes me silly enough to hope his 'love' was real when my head says he 'loved' me just as long as I was meeting his emotional needs unconditionally. My head says, it was need masquerading as 'love', but my heart wants to cry out "NO, IT WAS REAL!" Loving and being loved is all I ever wanted in life. What do I do now that is gone?

Lifewriter

[hope50]

He probably do love you, BUT the person you fell in love with probably does not exist, as he probably lied about mostly everything he said about himself, you most likely fell in love with someone that does not exist. I know you are in pain, a broken heart is very painful, you will get over it, it will take time, but you will, we all do. But it is better than a lifetime of suffering, as relationships with BPD people are so difficult, it is absolute hell, so if you are out of the relationship, you have already taken the first step to a happier life. Give yourself some time to heal that broken heart! Things will get better.

[once removed]

lifewriter,  

i really feel your pain. in my experience and others', fourty three days is still very raw. like hope50 said, give yourself some time. it often gets worse before it gets better. thats the nature of trauma.

the way i see it, whether we are left, or the ones to leave, we are left with a lot of self doubt. thats evident in the stories of so many members. you are berating yourself for not digging in even further to a relationship you were clearly unhappy in. you should know, BPD be damned, that is a valid reason to exit a relationship. that may be outside your comfort zone; historically, it is outside of mine. plus, speaking from experience, your fear that if you hadnt left, that he would, is a valid one. that result would have left you in a similar, albeit different, place.

you were anxious all the time in this relationship. so was i. the after effects too, are the nature of trauma. unfortunately they dont go away over night. what we were attempting to suppress suddenly really comes to the forefront. its very painful  .

you also mention sadness has replaced the panic. i remember discovering my ex was invading the email address attached to my facebook and reading my notifications and messages. i let that play out for around two months in order to delay the sadness; i felt better off with the drama, the panic, frankly any acknowledgment that i existed. when i changed my password i was in deeper pain than i had yet been in; as if i hadnt allowed the pain to yet hit me. when it hits us, it is profound, it is deep, it is agonizing. it pulls deeply, perhaps deeper than weve yet experienced, at our own sense and fear of abandonment  .

we are here to support you, constantly, and hopefully consistently, whether we become a substitute for a period or not, becoming a substitute is not our goal.  

was your relationship and what you experienced real? i am on the side that it very much was. what part of it didnt happen? did you imagine it? then it was real. it was every bit if not as much as real for your partner. unfortunately, feelings like these for a pwBPD are not sustainable. mental illness is at play. that makes your memories no less "real".

what do you do now that there is a void? you begin to turn the focus to yourself. that also, doesnt happen over night. now may not be the time. as you may know, we have a personal inventory board, that should you choose to post on it, will focus entirely on you. these relationships are full time jobs. they are traumatic in nature. when they conclude, they leave a lot to process that perhaps we havent even had a chance to process before. i know for the entirety of my relationship, i wished i could sit down and journal, process, write down what i felt in the beginning, middle, end, any part of it. i never got that chance during, and mentally i most definitely didnt get that chance. it all poured out at the end. thats okay. i was processing trauma, as are you.

we are here for you as you continue to do so, whether at fourty three days or a hundred and fourty three days. it makes no difference to me  

[SGraham]

Lifewriter,

I went through a similar break up less than a week ago and with all the empathy i can possibly convey through a screen, i feel you. Just remember that you did everything you could, the last thing you need is for you to beat yourself up too.