Do you "spy" on your ex?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Is anyone, in the broke-up stage of the game, interested in what the ex does or posts on Facebook or any other place?  I just got the strong urge to know what she's been up to.  Just tossing it up in my mind, I don't think it's a good idea, but the "rollercoaster" emotions just started up and not hearing from her is just making me more inquisitive about what she's up to.  Please, someone slap me before I do something dumb or make a jerk of myself "to myself".

[DyingLove]

Is anyone, in the broke-up stage of the game, interested in what the ex does or posts on Facebook or any other place?  I just got the strong urge to know what she's been up to.  Just tossing it up in my mind, I don't think it's a good idea, but the "rollercoaster" emotions just started up and not hearing from her is just making me more inquisitive about what she's up to.  Please, someone slap me before I do something dumb or make a jerk of myself "to myself".

[valet]

I broke about 1 month NC this way a few days ago and it unleashed horrible waves of sadness and anxiety.

Don't do it.

It doesn't matter what they're up to. When/if you want to re-angage it will occur naturally, and if it feels wrong run!

[DyingLove]

I broke about 1 month NC this way a few days ago and it unleashed horrible waves of sadness and anxiety.

Don't do it.

It doesn't matter what they're up to. When/if you want to re-angage it will occur naturally, and if it feels wrong run!

Thank you.  I damn well know that it's wrong... .but I'm just so lost at times that, well, you know... .I'm wasting my focus thinking on her.  I am just not able to turn it off yet. It's getting better, but then I turn around and think of doing something way way childish.  I really need a smack.  Thank you for the quick rescue valet.

[SWLSR]

No I dont spy on her never have.  She has accused me of spying on her but I found out she was spying on  me.  Go figure

[DyingLove]

Maybe SPYING is the wrong term to use... .I'm just itching to know what's she's up to.  Maybe even just knowing if she's checking me out?

[mitatsu]

After my last and i mean last recycle my ExBPD told me she checked via other peoples FB acc's on me and used to walk by my appt to see if i was there and i must admit in the early days of the split i did but d'ya know what i dont care what they are up to as it will all be a act for ourselves and the rest of the world to see so all you are doing is opening up a old wound that had started to heal and pouring a bit of salt on it

dont do it... .stay strong  

[ta777]

It's definitely not worth it. I messed up a few times after my breakup and every time it sent me into a deeper depression, but somehow I kept going back to snooping. Eventually I learned my lesson and don't really have the urge to look anymore.

[Reecer1588]

I will say this, I have indeed been guilty of spying on my ex, more so on the website 'pinterest', "why pinterest?" you may ask, simply, she puts her thoughts on there. I am much less concerned about what she is doing than what she is thinking, what have I found? Her mind has been changing over time. 2 months ago or so around the time of our turmoil, she kept posting things about being the victim of 'narcissistic relationship abuse', over time it changed to "how to be a single girl," then a ton of stuff about "someone's character" and now it's taken a turn for the hermit-y, more stuff about being "ALONE" rather than "SINGLE."

Now, as it comes to facebook, seeing her face triggers my wounds on an immense scale. I did look at her pictures in the past month, and you can tell how she looks physically deteriorated, like she has let herself go, you can tell how her eyes go from looking almost psychotic (when she took pictures of herself around the time she was losing it with me), to now recently just looking empty.

Now you see I have my ex blocked on facebook, but I would be very interested to know if she ever skirts around that to look at my facebook. I'd be very curious to see if she stalks me anymore or just doesn't care.

My ultimate desire is for her to contact me. I want to be re-engaged. I miss her very much.

But ultimately all of this has told me that if anything, my ex has gone further into hermit mode. I have no idea where her mind is anymore. And physically, I can hardly recognize her. I'd be happy to show anyone who wants the physical changes in my ex. It's quite remarkable.

I wish she'd call me. But as time goes on, this looks less and less likely. Oh well.

Anyways yes I do spy on her. But I do it less and less. I get a great amount of anxiety because signs are popping up that she now might (more likely she does not... .especially with all of the "alone" and "how to get over a breakup" stuff) have a replacement. And that just kills me on the inside.

[DyingLove]

Thank you everyone.  This is what I needed to hear.  I guess I didn't believe my own self about it.  I'm so thankful for the bpdfamily being here.  You are all great.  Saved me from being a jackass.

[sbr1050]

I see things on FB and hear things from others (small town) and that is both comforting and upsetting to me.  I am glad to know about his new r/s and some details make it easier for me to accept.  In my weak moments, all that information breaks my heart, over and over again.  But, I have decided that no matter what, I want to handle this breakup with class and high standards.  My friends and family know the details, know my devastation, and how unbearable this is at times. But in the eyes of everyone else, I am trying to fake it until I make it... .

[mitatsu]

I see things on FB and hear things from others (small town) and that is both comforting and upsetting to me.  I am glad to know about his new r/s and some details make it easier for me to accept.  In my weak moments, all that information breaks my heart, over and over again.  But, I have decided that no matter what, I want to handle this breakup with class and high standards.  My friends and family know the details, know my devastation, and how unbearable this is at times. But in the eyes of everyone else, I am trying to fake it until I make it... .

its never easy i was recycled 10 times over 4 years and everytime i did the checking up thing and its what made me weak enough to be recycled and each recycle got shorter and her anger worse... .

Do you want this folks? as it seems to be the Bpd way ... .TOY WITH THEM THEN DESTROY THEM... . 

[Mr Hollande]

I spied for a short while. A month, maybe more but once I decided to not do it I stuck to it. I've stuck to it for two reasons. First of all it gave me a level of control over the situation which made me stronger. Secondly, I knew that anything gleaned from there, however insignificant, only prolongs the pain. There is nothing but pain to be found there.

[zundertowz]

I guess im lucky I skipped the spying jealous phase and went straight to just being hurt and angry... .Im so disgusted by this person I dont care who shes with or sleeps with.  Funny because my last few GFs I was jealous as all hell when we broke up. I think she just repulses me and I feel bad for her next victim. 

[SWLSR]

Maybe SPYING is the wrong term to use... .I'm just itching to know what's she's up to.  Maybe even just knowing if she's checking me out?

She has check you out almost 100 percent sure and she will deny also.  Get out of this game its not worth it.

[raisins3142]

I've looked a few times.  It isn't good or bad except for what it does to you.

I find it funny that in this electronic age that it is considered "spying" and "stalking" to look at information that someone willingly posts and makes publicly available.  It's a real "have my cake and eat it too" thing: get attention from others/even random strangers AND shames anyone that looks at it if I don't like them or just feel like smiling and calling them a "stalker".  Why am I on the internet so much when I can't stand what it does to people?

[DyingLove]

Maybe SPYING is the wrong term to use... .I'm just itching to know what's she's up to.  Maybe even just knowing if she's checking me out?

She has check you out almost 100 percent sure and she will deny also.  Get out of this game its not worth it.

When we broke-up, I blocked her on FB... .then she found out and blocked me... .then I unblocked her out of guilt... .but she has kept me blocked.  It's the wondering that is messin' with me.  If I didn't love her so much... .I'd hate her!  (LOL... .maybe I'm the batty one!)

[Reecer1588]

I'd kill just to know that my ex checks up on me. Hell I'd kill just to see if she even remembers who I am. And I'd chop off my right arm for contact! 

[ShadowIntheNight]

I'd kill just to know that my ex checks up on me. Hell I'd kill just to see if she even remembers who I am. And I'd chop off my right arm for contact!  

You know Reecer, I know you're hurt by what your ex has done, but the last few posts of yours seem to include some sort of words where you want to cut off an arm or you'd kill just to, etc.

I understand that we can have strong feelings when a relationship ends, and I recognize sometimes we choose phrases just to dramatize our feelings. However I am concerned how you keep expressing yourself with words that have a lot of violence in them. Are you speaking with a therapist about the depth of your emotions? If not, I do recommend you check your university's counseling center. It's only a suggestion, but no one is worth an arm, a leg, or a life. No one, ex's included.

[hurting300]

Yes I most definitely did. But she ran away with our baby. So I feel i had every right too.

[sun seeker]

 Dying

  Whats up my friend. I have definitely been where you are recently. I hit the unblock button on fb luckily it asked are you sure you want to unblock and I didnt. Unblocking would be a HUGE  set back for me. We all need a verbal smack from time to time. You doing good man dont do it.

[Maternus]

2 months ago or so around the time of our turmoil, she kept posting things about being the victim of 'narcissistic relationship abuse'

Did she just say, that she was a victim of narcissistic abuse or did she elaborate her concern? 

[Mutt]

I think many members have checked up on exes on social media.

I have myself. My exe also checked my profile. I had posted something about how an emotional affair is still an affair when she was denying that she had an affair. I understand that she projects and dissociates reality to match her out of place feelings. She was hostile and said a friend saw my post; I do think it was her. I was very angry after having been abandoned, lied to and triangulated with her boyfriend.

I don't think there's a right or wrong and I do think it helps speed up our recovery if we don't check up on our exes, hope for reconciliation or plead.

[Mr Hollande]

I don't think there's a right or wrong and I do think it helps speed up our recovery if we don't check up on our exes, hope for reconciliation and getting back together.

Amen to that!

[Maternus]

I met my ex on a social media site, but she stopped using it after we got together. She doesn't like facebook and she is nearly invisible on the internet. When I google her name all I find is an old phone-book-entry. She is a little bit paranoid about the internet - that is my benefit. There is nothing I can spy for.   

[DyingLove]

Dying

  Whats up my friend. I have definitely been where you are recently. I hit the unblock button on fb luckily it asked are you sure you want to unblock and I didnt. Unblocking would be a HUGE  set back for me. We all need a verbal smack from time to time. You doing good man dont do it.

Hey Sunseeker!  How are you my friend.  Well I'm not blocking her... .I haven't blocked her since she blocked me... .but I know that there are ways to snoop and see her wall... .making another account or just looking from somebody elses fb account.  But unless she looks for me... .I'm not making any first moves.  I've still got 100% n/c since leaving.  I've got that under my belt and I'm happy about it... .I know that if I cave to something... .I'm going to be pissed extraordinaire at myself!  I do look around to see if I see any remnants of her anywhere... .but I'm not going to break radio silence!  You are right... .a good kick in the keister is what I need/needed!  Thanks bud.  How's it going with you?

[Reecer1588]

I'd kill just to know that my ex checks up on me. Hell I'd kill just to see if she even remembers who I am. And I'd chop off my right arm for contact!  

You know Reecer, I know you're hurt by what your ex has done, but the last few posts of yours seem to include some sort of words where you want to cut off an arm or you'd kill just to, etc.

I understand that we can have strong feelings when a relationship ends, and I recognize sometimes we choose phrases just to dramatize our feelings. However I am concerned how you keep expressing yourself with words that have a lot of violence in them. Are you speaking with a therapist about the depth of your emotions? If not, I do recommend you check your university's counseling center. It's only a suggestion, but no one is worth an arm, a leg, or a life. No one, ex's included.

I think I might be going through an extinction burst of sorts... .Or I'm relapsing, either way the intensity of my desire to re-connect with my ex recently has been very strong, I've never been closer to making the worst mistake of contacting her (though I think my resolve is strong enough not to do so). 63rd day since my last contact with my ex girlfriend, I do not know why my feelings of longing are intensifying now. Really, it seems odd to me my feelings of longing and desire to re-engage are strengthening rater than deteriorating. Though my physical health and otherwise is doing better.

It's an odd mixture of emotions.

[raisins3142]

I'd kill just to know that my ex checks up on me. Hell I'd kill just to see if she even remembers who I am. And I'd chop off my right arm for contact!  

You know Reecer, I know you're hurt by what your ex has done, but the last few posts of yours seem to include some sort of words where you want to cut off an arm or you'd kill just to, etc.

I understand that we can have strong feelings when a relationship ends, and I recognize sometimes we choose phrases just to dramatize our feelings. However I am concerned how you keep expressing yourself with words that have a lot of violence in them. Are you speaking with a therapist about the depth of your emotions? If not, I do recommend you check your university's counseling center. It's only a suggestion, but no one is worth an arm, a leg, or a life. No one, ex's included.

I think I might be going through an extinction burst of sorts... .Or I'm relapsing, either way the intensity of my desire to re-connect with my ex recently has been very strong, I've never been closer to making the worst mistake of contacting her (though I think my resolve is strong enough not to do so). 63rd day since my last contact with my ex girlfriend, I do not know why my feelings of longing are intensifying now. Really, it seems odd to me my feelings of longing and desire to re-engage are strengthening rater than deteriorating. Though my physical health and otherwise is doing better.

It's an odd mixture of emotions.

Here's my advice: stop trying so hard to get over her or figure this all out.

Go out and be around healthy people and do stuff.  Maybe check this forum less frequently.

You have to convince yourself that life has a lot to offer and you are better off without her in it.

[Reecer1588]

I'd kill just to know that my ex checks up on me. Hell I'd kill just to see if she even remembers who I am. And I'd chop off my right arm for contact!  

You know Reecer, I know you're hurt by what your ex has done, but the last few posts of yours seem to include some sort of words where you want to cut off an arm or you'd kill just to, etc.

I understand that we can have strong feelings when a relationship ends, and I recognize sometimes we choose phrases just to dramatize our feelings. However I am concerned how you keep expressing yourself with words that have a lot of violence in them. Are you speaking with a therapist about the depth of your emotions? If not, I do recommend you check your university's counseling center. It's only a suggestion, but no one is worth an arm, a leg, or a life. No one, ex's included.

I think I might be going through an extinction burst of sorts... .Or I'm relapsing, either way the intensity of my desire to re-connect with my ex recently has been very strong, I've never been closer to making the worst mistake of contacting her (though I think my resolve is strong enough not to do so). 63rd day since my last contact with my ex girlfriend, I do not know why my feelings of longing are intensifying now. Really, it seems odd to me my feelings of longing and desire to re-engage are strengthening rater than deteriorating. Though my physical health and otherwise is doing better.

It's an odd mixture of emotions.

Here's my advice: stop trying so hard to get over her or figure this all out.

Go out and be around healthy people and do stuff.  Maybe check this forum less frequently.

You have to convince yourself that life has a lot to offer and you are better off without her in it.

The thing is is that a part of me knows that, I've really been doing a lot more social stuff recently, and I play intermural basketball, I notice how whenever I walk anywhere there's at least 10-20 people who say "Hey Reece," I guess I'm liked a lot more than I give myself credit for. I got invited to go to a big fraternity crawdad boil tomorrow, I'm pretty pumped about that.

Really life isn't all that bad. I guess I'm just trying to understand why I feel like I do.

I don't want to hijack the thread. So I went ahead and made one of my own.

[Infern0]

Yes I do check her Instagram and Facebook from time to time which I'm trying to stop. I don't actually even care what she's doing I just want to know if she is back with her ex or has a new replacement.  Her behavior towards the end was suspicious and the desire to know what it was about is still there.

I'm trying not to look though,  it's not like I'm going to see anything on there that's going to help me.

[FlSunshineGirl]

Yes, I've checked up on my ex on social media.

This past Tuesday I saw his car at my church in the parking lot.

My church sits at the end of the street where I live and I have to drive past it every day when I'm leaving or coming home.

I figured my ex was visiting the male elder at my church that I introduced him to. I broke down and emailed the elder on Wednesday and just said I saw "ex's" car in the parking lot at church and asked how he had been. I assumed he was up there hanging out with the elder.

He wrote me back and said he hadn't seen or heard from him.

So he was there spying on me.

It was the time that he knows I leave and run some errands.

I stopped and got some McDonalds and headed down the road and ended up behind his car!

I know he saw me and I just sat there when we ended up at the red light stone faced and heart racing 100 miles an hour!

He turned left where I needed to turn left to continue my errand and then I made another left and he went straight. His old house where he grew up was down that way if you continue going straight.

So, after hearing from the elder on Wed that he hadn't seen or talked to him I did some snooping on Pinterest and Facebook.

Turns out my replacement and him are done for the moment. (Maybe for good?)

He wrote on his Facebook page, "have you ever had a problem separating fact from fiction. And have you ever screwed something up so bad you don't think you can ever fix it?"

And then there was some other things he posted of him and her and their relationship.

So I also snooped his and her Pinterest pages. :-(

I'm a mess!

And I saw her pin some quotes like I know how to distance myself really well from people and one about "Trust is earned, respect given and loyalty demonstrated. Betrayal of one is to loose all three."

And his page had "I would have loved you forever. Goodbye my love"

And "I'm starting to get over you. I'm looking forward to the day when I see you and feel nothing."

Then yesterday he switched his profile pic from the screen shot of the momento's of them to SOMETHING I had made him! What the heck?

So putting it all together... .

When I ended it, he had been taking to her all along getting her on the hook.

Then once we were finished he made his move and they quickly fell in "love".

The two times he contacted me by email where when he and her were off again.

And then they became back on, then as soon as it's over now, back to me!

He can't be alone and has to attach to someone.

Finally! I see his true colors and there's no way in h*ll I'll ever be sucked back in by him!

He's such an emotional manipulator it's sickening.

Dodged a HUGE bullet!

Those emails to me weren't about me at all, he needed a replacement for her and quick.

He also had signed up for POF last Wednesday too after I saw him in his car and didn't stop at church or call or text him and he had silence from the replacement too.

I'm sure he was sitting at the church knowing I would see his car and hoping I would stop to hug him and rescue him!

Not anymore.