My introduction: parenting a 32 year old dependent daughter

[mom27]

Hello to all, and thank you to Ripped Heart for the warm welcome. I am a 64 year old mother to a 32 year old very dependent daughter. She has never lived anywhere but with us. She has been on SSDI for 6 years. Over the years she has been diagnosed with many issues, including narcissism when she was 13 and in a psych unit after a suicide attempt, bi-polar II, major depression, etc, etc. (She has been hospitalized several times since). She says that most of the mental health labels have been discarded by the professionals, and now she has only depression and anxiety. She has also had a lot of physical issues, and often it's hard to separate the emotional from the physical. I believe that she is a true hypochondriac, which from past reading, is an anxiety disorder. She has been accused of being addicted to both pain medications and psychiatric medications, and as recently as yesterday she was told by her current psychiatrist that she will not be renewing her meds for depression and anxiety. Her case is being re-evaluated at the moment.

I have fallen into the trap of rescuing her time and time again. She says that she is trying to make her life better, but she has no resources, no skills, and no friends. As my husband and I approach retirement, I am becoming very anxious about her future (and ours). I long to find out what an "empty nest" is like - LOL. I long to see her able to take care of herself. She says that I am her only ally, and she reminds me of this every day. Since January I feel I have had exhibited more and more symptoms of stress. I feel that I need to learn how to communicate with her better, where and when to draw the line, etc, but we don't have a lot of resources ourselves.

It looks like there are a lot of tools and lessons here, and I hope to spend time reading and learning, as well as communicating and learning from others. Thank you for "listening".

P.S - if this board is only for parents with young children, please let me know so that I might move to the correct board.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[madmom]

Welcome, you are in the right place.  Some of us have adult children and some younger.  My daughter is 26.  Like you, our daughter has had many issues throughout the years.  My husband and I have spent plenty of time, energy, and money rescuing her, thinking that if we just get her back on her feet she can start over and it will be ok this time.  Finally, within the last year I have found this site, used the tools and lessons ---SET and validation were key to better communication between us.  I learned about radical acceptance and finally my husband and I really worked together to set boundaries and hardest of all, had to let her make some pretty big mistakes and suffer the consequences. I am happy to report that she is doing VERY WELL.  This fall/winter she decided to make some big changes.  She got rid of the loser friends and started figuring out some new activities to get involved in such as a book club for 20-30 year olds, free community exercise classes where she met some new people that she has socially done some things with, joined a ladies meet up group for activities like bowling, going out to eat on Friday nights, and found a church that she enjoys and has met people and now is doing some volunteer activities through them.  She even in the last couple of weeks started back on meds and on her own found a therapist she really likes and is working with. My husband and I are working on healing ourselves and are in a much better place and are enjoying our empty nest.  (And enjoying time with our daughter whom we see at least once a week and have a very pleasant time.)  I hope this gives you hope that things can get better.  I still worry and know that things could change at any time, but for now I take it one day at a time. I hope you find this site as helpful as I have. There are many books you can read also. I took the NAMI family to family class this fall and found that helpful although they don't address BPD lots,  it was really nice to connect with others who are dealing with loved ones who have mental health issues.  Keep posting, there are some very knowledgeable and helpful people on this site, I know that I am much happier and healthier because of the information and posts that I have found here.  You are not alone, there is hope!

[mom27]

Thank you for sharing your experiences, MadMom. I'm so happy for you and your daughter that she is doing SO well! That would be a dream come true for me.

I'm afraid that I don't have a lot of hope that things here will change. She doesn't seem to qualify for any other help, and her disability checks would barely cover food for a month. We can't afford to set her up in her own place... .we would if we could. We all need the space. She has little or no respect for us or our home. Why should she? She knows we won't kick her out. We've talked to a social worker when she was hospitalized, and she said that the only thing they could do is send her to a homeless shelter for a few days and then she'd be out on the street. She has no car to live in, no friends to bunk with... .we're all she has. I expect that I will live the rest of my life taking care of her, as the thought of her being out on the streets gives me nightmares.

I can't tell other family members about what really goes on with her. She recently asked me to smother her with a pillow. If I try to set boundaries, she starts talking about how she's wrecked our lives and everyone would be better off without her. She goes into a total self pity party... .or she deflects and tells me that she's the way she is because of me.

I'm here to learn and to find ways of doing things differently. This has taken such a huge toll. I'm sick and I'm tired... .and I'm sick and tired of feeling helpless and hopeless. Something has to change... .guess it's going to be me :-)

[madmom]

We experienced much of the same thing when our daughter lived with us.  House rules broken continually, lies, lies, oh and did I mention lying to us constantly. Our life was a a shambles and we didn't even know what to do, we were so caught up in the disease with her.  It has been a roller coaster journey the last several years.  My daughter moved out against our wishes about three years ago and although things have been painful at times as she has made many bad mistakes, it was the best thing for all of us.   The lessons on the right side this page really helped me.  There are videos to watch, especially one about how it feels to have BPD that caused me to stop, reflect and be more empathetic, and I learned to stop trying to fix everything.  (I am a controlling person)  The most effective thing I found was to start working on me, I learned to communicate with my daughter much better using some of the skills I learned here.  I realized I had worked my tail off trying to make everything ok, and I still didn't have control of the situation and finally I was able to let go and let some natural consequences happen to/for her without the guilt I usually felt.  It was baby steps with my daughter.  Does your daughter see a therapist?  Is she willing to do anything like volunteer some where, or take a class, or join a group so that she can make some kind of a life for herself where she meets and can become involved with other people?  Please keep posting, there are so many people who will be so much better at helping you than I can ever be, but I am here for you.   Make time to really care for yourself---everything will be better if you do.  Best wishes.

[lbjnltx]

Hi Mom27,

I'd like to join madmom in welcoming you to the Parent's Board.  We are glad you are here looking for a different path than the one you have been on.  I'm glad you found the Tools and Lessons!  The information contained in them is of high value and can help you make the changes in how you relate to the mental illness experience you are having.  It's amazing how our own outlook significantly affects the relationship dynamics of our family.

Feeling stuck and seeing no possible way for your daughter to achieve independence from you must feel so defeating.  I think we have all been in that place at one time or another.  madmom's story says a lot about how powerful the skills here are and how they can set us on a different path for ourselves and our children. 

Before we are able to see the new path we sometimes have to clear away the FOG... .the  fear obligation and guilt.  Here is some info to start to see more clearly a different way to view your daughter and your situation:  Clearing away the FOG

Let us know what you think about this... .if you have any questions.  We are here to help.

lbj

[Panda39]

Something has to change... .guess it's going to be me :-)

You are right on the money with this!     We really only have control of ourselves and what we do.

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.

Albert Einstein

I'm so glad you've found us and know you will find a lot of information, strategies, and support from the members here that will take you down some roads that you maybe haven't tried before.

I join everyone else with my own welcome 

Panda39