NC 1 1/2 years / Facebook / knot in my stomach

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's a quote from Daili Lama.

My ex cannot do that. He cannot do that BECAUSE he's disordered. There have been plenty of times over the course of the last 4+ years when he's been triggered for some reason, flipped, painted me white again, and made it clear he'd at least be open to the idea of the two of us being together again. At this point, all this ever really does is demonstrate just HOW disordered he still is, and how incapable he therefore still is of treating me in any other way than the way he always has.

That's no longer acceptable to me. That's no longer something I need/want in a relationship. That's where I found closure.

I think the wanting to know of what her intentions are going to cause suffering.

Accept that she's disordered; give yourself closure.

She may also not ask for reconciliation.

I'd let go of the attachment.

[Mutt]

It's a quote from Daili Lama.

My ex cannot do that. He cannot do that BECAUSE he's disordered. There have been plenty of times over the course of the last 4+ years when he's been triggered for some reason, flipped, painted me white again, and made it clear he'd at least be open to the idea of the two of us being together again. At this point, all this ever really does is demonstrate just HOW disordered he still is, and how incapable he therefore still is of treating me in any other way than the way he always has.

That's no longer acceptable to me. That's no longer something I need/want in a relationship. That's where I found closure.

I think the wanting to know of what her intentions are going to cause suffering.

Accept that she's disordered; give yourself closure.

She may also not ask for reconciliation.

I'd let go of the attachment.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

This makes me think of when I quit smoking.  It was S O freaking hard that I NEVER wanted to repeat that first day again.  The first week again.  The first year again.  I have not forgotten how hard it was and I never want to repeat that. Never. 

Same is true for b/u's.  BPD or otherwise.  I say to myself, "don't reopen the wound.  Don't go back.  I do not want that. It didn't work then and it won't work now.  There was a reason it ended.  Trust myself.  Do not go back." 

[GuiltHaunted]

After long consideration, I decided to go ahead and send her a message. Now we will see what happens. 1 year, 3 months and 18 days NC broken - to be exact! 

I'll keep you updated, now I will head to the gym and not sit around waiting for a reply.

[tim_tom]

After long consideration, I decided to go ahead and send her a message. Now we will see what happens. 1 year, 3 months and 18 days NC broken - to be exact! 

I'll keep you updated, now I will head to the gym and not sit around waiting for a reply.

ugh... gl dude, i was coming here to say don't do it. She obviously still has a hold on you and no matter what happens you'll be opening up old wounds

[GuiltHaunted]

Well she replied friendly and asked how I was. Not particularly enthusiastic... .but what to expect.

More important, it took her a while to reply and that caused some thoughts:

I started to "blame" myself for maybe writing something wrong? She turned 29, and I wrote I wanted to congratulate her on her last 20th birthday. So I was starting to wonder if I pissed her off by reminding her she is close to 30.

This was a reminder of the walking on eggshells with her. I would always say something that would piss her off.

To be honest, I am not sure what to do with this communication now. Probably I will bow gracefully out again. It was a good "tester" though. I think I am not that attached anymore.

[Vatz]

This makes me think of that one Garfunkel and Oates song about 29vs31. And your thing about how its her las 20-bday kind of made me laugh. At work now so I can't send a link. But look up the song on YouTube, its hilarious.

... .god I hate Facebook.

[GuiltHaunted]

Well, apparently she didn't get upset. The interesting thing, was me thinking that it might have.

Anyway, friendly whatsapp chat followed, like it was 2 weeks ago we last spoke. This variant I outlined before writing her:

I am most worried about her being overly friendly without stating her intentions. That was painful last time. However, that was 1 1/2 years ago. Maybe I am now strong enough, to realise that it is the same as no interest as well

However, it does appear I am strong enough. I archived the conversation, and I don't think much about it. I cut her off very strong when I started NC, now at least she knows it's safe for her to contact me if she likes. And I am fine with that, and fine if she doesn't.

I realise I am more upset about one of mine recent affairs that didn't work out... .

[cosmonaut]

That's awesome news, GH!  I'm so happy that things went well for you, and you were able to have a friendly conversation.  How are you feeling about things, especially since things went differently (better) than you had foreseen?  Are you planning to remain in contact with her if she doesn't contact you?  Do you feel like your NC period allowed you to detach?

I'm sorry to hear about this other relationship that didn't work out, though.  Keep your chin up.  You have a lot to offer someone.  Someone very special is out there for you, GH.  Keep looking for her.

[camuse]

Your aim is indifference. Clearly you aren't there yet, that's ok.

In the meantime, just fake it - that means no need to block her, and certainly do not make contact. If she makes contact, then block her. How would an indifferent person who had moved on act? Ace like that, even if it doesn't feel right. So she might stalk your page, so what?

Try very hard not to visit her page. If you fake indifference long enough, eventually it will become natural.

She is the past, she is gone, the past doesn't exist. YOU are the focus of your life, not her nor anyone else.

Closure comes only from no contact. There is no closure to be had from them.

[camuse]

Ok I should have read on

So you made contact, and you are ok. That's very good, but please be careful - the fly is ok supping at the edges of the pitcher plant until he slips in. You may be playing with fire.

Why do you want to have contact? How does it benefit you and your life? I'd just move on if I were you. There's a big awesome world full of people and a future ahead for you, focus on that, not on the past which is gone and of no meaning now.

[Dunder]

I'm only two weeks into NC after the first break up but every time I've looked at her FB, it's like I ripped the scab off. I've regretted every quasi break in the NC rule so far.  I hope you feel better.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

I've avoided all the "knot twisting - heart wrenching" scenarios by simply not logging on to Facebook.

I have around 1,000 friends.  Only two or three stayed in contact with me after realizing I was MIA.  My profile remains, but I have not logged on since October.

You can do yourself a huge favor and go NFB (No Facebook).  It takes the stress out of what to do with your ex, friends of ex, etc.  You won't have the urge to look up your ex if you can't muster courage to block or unfriend.

I really do not miss going on Facebook.  I realize how much time I wasted each day.  If someone wants to contact me, they know where to reach me. 

My ex's birthday is approaching.  I've been NC for many many months.  She has not contacted me.  Thought about sending a card.  I guess the only thing I care about is whether or not what we shared and built ever meant anything.  I can't handle finding out if it meant nothing other than a triangulation game.

[Dunder]

I've avoided all the "knot twisting - heart wrenching" scenarios by simply not logging on to Facebook.

I have around 1,000 friends.  Only two or three stayed in contact with me after realizing I was MIA.  My profile remains, but I have not logged on since October.

You can do yourself a huge favor and go NFB (No Facebook).  It takes the stress out of what to do with your ex, friends of ex, etc.  You won't have the urge to look up your ex if you can't muster courage to block or unfriend.

I really do not miss going on Facebook.  I realize how much time I wasted each day.  If someone wants to contact me, they know where to reach me. 

My ex's birthday is approaching.  I've been NC for many many months.  She has not contacted me.  Thought about sending a card.  I guess the only thing I care about is whether or not what we shared and built ever meant anything.  I can't handle finding out if it meant nothing other than a triangulation game.

This is truly excellent advice in my view. The role of social media and FB in particular in my relationship with a fwBPD has been disastrous for my sense of emotional well being. During the relationship, it was a medium for very effective control and manipulation (and a lot of other bad stuff) and since I broke it off the temptation to contact her electronically has been almost impossible to resist. Before social media and cell phones, breaking up with someone and maintaining NC was pretty straightforward. Change the locks and your phone number and you were done. Social media is perilous for people acting on impulse and right now impulsive behavior for me frustrates the healing process. Not saying you're acting on impulse but we all have our strong and weak moments and FB is always there in our weaker moments.

[GuiltHaunted]

Are you planning to remain in contact with her if she doesn't contact you?  Do you feel like your NC period allowed you to detach?

I don't have plans to write her again. If she wants to, I don't mind her writing me.

I do indeed feel that the NC period has helped me detach.

This is also the reason I dared to reconnect with my ex. Because I knew she doesn't hold such power over me anymore. I does feel a bit like indifference. I think the goal should be that you are ok with having occasional contact again, provided they don't do things to screw up your life (otherwise I agree block/NC for good).

Why do you want to have contact? How does it benefit you and your life? I'd just move on if I were you. There's a big awesome world full of people and a future ahead for you, focus on that, not on the past which is gone and of no meaning now.

I don't know if there is any benefit. And you are probably right, that forward is better. But if she at some point would want to met I will take it from there. And if she doesn't and there is no more conversation other than birthday greetings etc., I am fine with that too, I think. Next occasion coming up is xmas, since we both just had our birthdays. So I think there is plenty of time to see... .  

I've avoided all the "knot twisting - heart wrenching" scenarios by simply not logging on to Facebook.

I see now that the knot in my stomach, was related to the decision. Once I sent the first whatsapp message it went away and it's not there anymore. As for Facebook, I am ok with that. She is not very present there and I am not friends with her, so I don't get any information that way that could hurt me.

[tim_tom]

Well, apparently she didn't get upset. The interesting thing, was me thinking that it might have.

Anyway, friendly whatsapp chat followed, like it was 2 weeks ago we last spoke. This variant I outlined before writing her:

I am most worried about her being overly friendly without stating her intentions. That was painful last time. However, that was 1 1/2 years ago. Maybe I am now strong enough, to realise that it is the same as no interest as well

However, it does appear I am strong enough. I archived the conversation, and I don't think much about it. I cut her off very strong when I started NC, now at least she knows it's safe for her to contact me if she likes. And I am fine with that, and fine if she doesn't.

I realise I am more upset about one of mine recent affairs that didn't work out... .

I remember when I quit smoking, for like 3 years. Then I had a cigarette 1 night at a bar, next day thought about it, and I was pleased that I didn't want another one. Then next time at a bar, 2 weeks or so, same thing, exactly... . Flash forward to 3 months later and I was full time smoking again.

[Infared]

I've avoided all the "knot twisting - heart wrenching" scenarios by simply not logging on to Facebook.

I have around 1,000 friends.  Only two or three stayed in contact with me after realizing I was MIA.  My profile remains, but I have not logged on since October.

You can do yourself a huge favor and go NFB (No Facebook).  It takes the stress out of what to do with your ex, friends of ex, etc.  You won't have the urge to look up your ex if you can't muster courage to block or unfriend.

I really do not miss going on Facebook.  I realize how much time I wasted each day.  If someone wants to contact me, they know where to reach me.  

My ex's birthday is approaching.  I've been NC for many many months.  She has not contacted me.  Thought about sending a card.  I guess the only thing I care about is whether or not what we shared and built ever meant anything.  I can't handle finding out if it meant nothing other than a triangulation game.

I am with you on all of the above.  Yes... . no cards were sent... . Hell... . she ran off with someone.  I loved her dearly... . but I am not a fool. (well... . maybe I am... . but not a total fool!).

[GuiltHaunted]

Update:

So by incredible coincidende the best friend of my ex wrote me on Facebook. I haven't head from her in more than 2 years. Just a message how I was doing and where I was living. I answered politely and ended the conversation.

I never liked her friend particularly. She is a single mother with an diagnosed ADHD child and lots of problems keeping normal relationships with other people, i.e. in my opinion BPD too. I read BPDs like to befriend other BPD, so that would add up concerning my ex.

Anyway, I wrote my ex and told her that she wrote and had asked where I lived. In the same message I told my ex she was welcome to come visit. Obviously, I though there was a connection between me getting in contact with my ex and her friend writing me.

But here is the thing, according to my ex, they had a falling out and didn't talk for more than a year. She declined my invitation to visit, and wrote that she was afraid she would never come and visit, so I asked her directly if she wished to have contact at all. I explained her how I had been since the breakup and the reason for breaking off contact with her.

In the end she replied that she didn't want to continue having contact. I told her if she changed her mind, she was welcome to keep in touch.

Obviously the conversation was a bit longer that the above. All was in a calm friendly tone. But characteristically for my ex, no personal "feelings" shared or anything that might reveal her as being weak. It's like talking to someone holding up a shield (it was the same during the r/s too).

So that's that... .I can burry it there, and I no longer have to feel bad about breaking off the contact with her 1 years and 4 months ago.

And hopefully I can finally move on from all this, forget about BPD all together and no longer need to visit this board. Thanks for all your help so far.