Been Replaced... THANK GOD

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I ended it with my UxBPDbf late 2014.  I said no more contact. He has contacted me 450 times since then.  So many I love you's.  So many threats.

But it appears I have been replaced!  I've been waiting for this.  As a result, he has not contacted me in FOURTEEN days.  A record. Thank God I have been replaced.  AMEN!

[Reecer1588]

I will be horrified when the day comes my ex replaces me. Maybe it's because of the months long radio silence, maybe it's because of my jealousy.

Either way your sentiment here is POLAR opposite to mine.

Glad you are happy though!

[Mutt]

It's frustrating when an ex partner doesn't let go. I've read often if you leave your partner they profess their love and call incessantly. The other side of the coin is that a pwBPD may have vitriol, distortion campaigns ( not all pwBOD do ) and often go radio silent because the person has a new partner.

Good to hear your getting some much needed peace ReclaimingMyLife  

[Reecer1588]

It's frustrating when an ex partner doesn't let go. I've read often if you leave your partner they profess their love and call incessantly. The other side of the coin is that a pwBPD may have vitriol, distortion campaigns ( not all pwBOD do ) and often go radio silent because the person has a new partner.

Good to hear your getting some much needed peace ReclaimingMyLife  

Either side of the coin hurts. Either side of the coin is a no-win situation. My ex is a pro at putting me in no-win situations for one!

Really like reading the occasional positive post though, gives me hope! Thanks Reclaiming!

[Mutt]

Either side of the coin is a no-win situation.

Would you say it's a no win situation ReclaimingMyLife after all of the harassment, clingy / pull behavior since Dec?

[apollotech]

I ended it with my UxBPDbf late 2014.  I said no more contact. He has contacted me 450 times since then.  So many I love you's.  So many threats.

But it appears I have been replaced!  I've been waiting for this.  As a result, he has not contacted me in FOURTEEN days.  A record. Thank God I have been replaced.  AMEN!

Hi RML,

Don't count your blessing so quickly. You might have a reprieve rather than a full pardon. If he has been that persistent in reengaging you, the probability is that he might try to triangulate you with the other woman as soon as he perceives a crack  in the new relationship and/or her.

That is the situation I now find myself in with my BPDexgf. Her new Mr. Shiny kept her occupied for awhile, but now I am getting the "I miss you", "we can be friends", and "I am sorry" texts. In those very same texts she will relate how "extremely happy" she is with her new guy. We are just toys. You might be pulled out of the toy box again.

[Mutt]

That sounds about right apollotech and I also read members where they didn't hear from their ex for years.

I didn't hear from mine for a year and a half or more and the she wanted a friendship.

I see she rescues her boyfriend and sometimes tries to rescue me and mostly I'm persecutor.

Her boyfriend keeps her busy and the chaos away from me, the silver lining.

I move to the center of the triangle and don't participate or choose polarized sides. It's her stuff and I don't want to get involved with it and I don't want her in mine.

Triangulation is like a three legged stool. You remove one of the legs and the stool collapses.

[mitatsu]

That is the situation I now find myself in with my BPDexgf. Her new Mr. Shiny kept her occupied for awhile, but now I am getting the "I miss you", "we can be friends", and "I am sorry" texts. In those very same texts she will relate how "extremely happy" she is with her new guy. We are just toys. You might be pulled out of the toy box again.

100% With this... .New Supply = Buzz Lightyear... .You = Woody... .Ex Partner = That nasty kid next door who pulls toys apart just for fun

[hergestridge]

I was quite indifferent about being replaced, but it was rather humiliating how my exwife made a scene out of letting me know.

After we broke up last summer my wife seems to belive that I want her back. The only thing that could have led her to think so is a text message I sent her a week after the split which said basically "... .perhaps we can work things out". She held on to that for eight months, thinking I wanted to get back together.

When she eventually decided to break the news that she had a boyfriend (I knew she had been dating since the day after we split!) she told me that it was important that I heard it from her first - and not from other people (which could be hurtful!). She also let me know that it was a "good guy" she was dating.

The thing was I geniunely didn't care. Even though we have a child together I take very little interest my wife's life. And I certainly wasn't hurt. The hurtful thing was that she expected me to be hurt.

[apollotech]

"Her boyfriend keeps her busy and the chaos away from me, the silver lining.

I move to the center of the triangle and don't participate or choose polarized sides [emphasis mine]. It's her stuff and I don't want to get involved with it and I don't want her in mine.

Triangulation is like a three legged stool. You remove one of the legs and the stool collapses."

Mutt,

That is exactly what I do: a hollow victory is achieved through nonparticipation. Hollow in regards to their being no winners.

[Mutt]

That is exactly what I do: a hollow victory is achieved through nonparticipation. Hollow in regards to their being no winners.

I don't think it's about winning or losing.

I saw in my marriage the pain and suffering my exe's and stepdaughters father and family went through.

Her ex was emotionally attached and didn't understand that she's disordered and his family suffered for years.

A path of suffering I didn't want to take.

I'm thankful for the peace I have in my life by being detached, wisdom, self awareness / awareness of others behaviors, loving and trusting myself and closeness, bonding and time with my children by raising them without my ex partner involvement and vitriol directed at dad.

That's something I think that can't be taken and guarded without participation, non attachment and boundaries.

[jhkbuzz]

Triangulation is like a three legged stool. You remove one of the legs and the stool collapses.

That ^^^ may be a new quote for my fridge! 

[DyingLove]

I don't wanna be replaced!  Is that like saying that I have a fear of dying?

I don't wanna think that someone can be me or take the place of what I did and stood for.  I don't wanna think how much her lies of "FOREVERLAND" are friggin' killing me.  I just don't want it to happen and I can't get it out of my head.  Maybe karma?  Maybe God will have sympathy and understanding... .I don't mind if she goes with God, literally. Damn, I will never ever ever ever hurt a human being on this earth like she's hurt me.  I'd rather hurt myself.  I'm up I'm down... .I hate this unannounced rollercoaster ride that pops up when it feels like.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Thanks for the forewarning, Apollotech.  I don't doubt you for a second.  Maybe I've been pardoned.  Maybe it is just a reprieve.  The reprieve is very helpful however.  I have been on guard and sequestered since early Dec.  Just opened my blinds for the first time in 4+ months.  This from a person who didn't even have blinds before.  I am hopeful he is gone forever.  But I will take every single day I can get.  I feel more and more sane with each passing day so, at the very least, were he to reappear, I will be in even better shape to deal with whatever he throws my way.  It was amazingly hard, but with the support of my family (and knowing my daughter would never speak to me again were I to cave), I have been amazingly diligent and committed to NC.  However, as you've astutely suggested (and I REALLY appreciate your suggestion) this doesn't mean I can let my guard down.

I've only been on this site about 8 days now.  Talk to me about triangulation.  Mutt, you say it is like a three legged stool... .take away one leg and it collapses.  That sounds good but I need to know more.  What does that mean?  And how do I take away one of the legs?

Thanks, guys!  I mean it

[Mutt]

Mutt, you say it is like a three legged stool... .take away one leg and it collapses.  That sounds good but I need to know more.  What does that mean?  And how do I take away one of the legs?

A Karpmann drama triangle consist of three different roles.

Persecutor, victim, and rescuer.

A pwBPD will often cast themselves in the role of victim and shift to all three different roles.

A pwNPD will often cast themselves in the role of persecutor and sometimes shift to rescuer although usually it's not a position the person will remain in for a length of time.

Often we're in the position of rescuer and may shift to persecutor from frustration or cast in this position from a pwBPD and shift back to rescuer. A pwBPD will emotionally collapse if we're to remain in the role of persecutor for a substantial amount of time. BPD is a persecution complex.

It's an unhealthy dynamic, subconscious, alleviates pressure from a r/s and perpetuates blame, shame and manipulation.

You can remove yourself from the role your cast in and can learn the role we play. Don't take polarized sides. Move to the center of the triangle it has elements of all three corners.

Karpman Triangle

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Thanks for the great information, Mutt!  Seems like NC is the safest way for me to keep from playing any of these roles.  I am lucky that I have NO reason to have to speak to him again.  Ever.  No kids, no shared property, no legally binding relationship.  So there is no reason for me to break NC. 

When he was in the serious throes of stalking, my sister's hairdresser shared she had been through a similar experience as a teen with a man stalking her mother. It was hell and she and her mother had to move.  It finally ended and they went on about their lives.  TWENTY years later he found her mom on FB.  He pushed her buttons about money so she reconnected with him.  And the hell and destruction began all over again.  Twenty freaking years later.  It doesn't matter what I want to believe about my UxBPDbf.  I will never trust him.  Even if I want to.  I CANNOT risk it.  I do not ever want to bring this hell back to my family. 

[Mutt]

Wow twenty years.

Seems like NC is the safest way for me to keep from playing any of these roles.

How did your r/s start with him?

Did he share experiences where he was victim?

[ReclaimingMyLife]

We met through a mutual friend.  He did tell his victimization war stories... .being victimized by his family, the system, etc.  Though he also presented as someone very much wanting to overcome these defeats. So those stories didn't feel so "victim-ey."  They felt more like reporting. 

Though in time I came to notice that pretty much everything was someone else's fault.  Or... .the other extreme of taking on ALL the blame and ALL the guilt (esp as it pertained to his ex-gf) which wasn't accurate either.  So pretty much all the time his view on things were very distorted.  Is it any wonder he was distorted about me ("the best person he'd ever met" AND "immature, self-righteous, hypocritical, and EVIL"?  How could it have been otherwise?

[apollotech]

"I came to notice that pretty much everything was someone else's fault.  Or... .the other extreme of taking on ALL the blame and ALL the guilt (esp as it pertained to his ex-gf) which wasn't accurate either."

The roles in a triangle can become difficult to decipher/recognize. In the first example above that you have given, he is clearly the victim as all wrongdoing (assumed to be directed at him) is someone else's fault. He would appear to be the Persecutor in the second example as he has taken on the guilt and blame, but has he accepted those to garner sympathy? Is he now a Victim because of the guilt and blame placed on him? If sympathy went towards him, he is the Victim; the sympathizer is the Rescuer/Enabler. The triangle can be a very convoluted manipulation system in which roles are only seemingly clearly defined.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Great post,  apollotech .   Yes,  it definitely felt victim-ey when he was taking all the blame and responsibility for her miseries.   And at the very same time it felt rescuer'ish b/c it was like he was denying ALL of her power to do something different.   Very tricky triangle indeed.   Great information.

   

As I've said before,  his behavior was an extreme external reflection of what often goes on inside my own sweet head.   So this makes me wonder where am I in the triangle both in regards to him and in other areas of my life,  i.e. my teenage daughter,  my ex-husband,  my business,  etc.   At any given moment,  prob good to ask myself if I am on the triangle and,  if so,  where,  and how do I get to the middle (or off it entirely)?

So glad to be starting therapy on Friday!

[Pingo]

Great post,  apollotech .   Yes,  it definitely felt victim-ey when he was taking all the blame and responsibility for her miseries.   And at the very same time it felt rescuer'ish b/c it was like he was denying ALL of her power to do something different.   Very tricky triangle indeed.   Great information.

   

As I've said before,  his behavior was an extreme external reflection of what often goes on inside my own sweet head.   So this makes me wonder where am I in the triangle both in regards to him and in other areas of my life,  i.e. my teenage daughter,  my ex-husband,  my business,  etc.   At any given moment,  prob good to ask myself if I am on the triangle and,  if so,  where,  and how do I get to the middle (or off it entirely)?



So glad to be starting therapy on Friday!

That is the perfect question to be asking! This is how to become objective about your part in any r/s. A way of maturing.

I can relate about not opening the blinds for 4 mths. I too pray to be replaced. Although I haven't heard from my uBPDexh since Dec. 1st, it is only bc I threatened him with an RO if he had any further contact with me. I feared him and I still do but it is lessening as time goes on without contact. I have been able to take a deep breath and let go of the anxiety to a degree and work on my own stuff. Very freeing. I hope that yours stays amused with his new shiny object long enough for you to feel some freedom too!