What Now?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

10 months post divorce.

9 months since I have had visual contact.

2 months since the house sold.

I am moving from Indiana to Florida in 3 months.

I'm in a weird place.

I know it's better to be alone than in a bad relationship.

But I find myself 'lost'.

I am used to doing things for 'others', not for myself.

I don't know how to do things "for me" w/o feeling guilty, selfish... .

I took care of myself (I am the same weight I was 27 years ago) but not for me, but because I wanted to look nice for the ex.

I cooked, cleaned, shopped, etc... . for everyone, but me.

I made an appointment at a gym, because I want to tone up, etc.

I made it to the parking lot, and turned around... . I just couldn't go in.

I felt like everyone would stare at me and say "what is SHE doing here"?

I am lonely. I wish I had someone to talk to, go see a movie with, have dinner with, listen too, sit close too.

I miss human touch (ex NEVER touched me unless it was to gratify his needs); the kind of human touch that says "you're important to me, I am glad to see you, I care about you".

The 'anger' is subsiding.

I am excited about starting a new life.

BUT sometimes I struggle to get off the couch.

I chicken out when I plan to do things, because I don't want to do them alone.

When will this pass? When will I be comfortable alone?

[going places]

10 months post divorce.

9 months since I have had visual contact.

2 months since the house sold.

I am moving from Indiana to Florida in 3 months.

I'm in a weird place.

I know it's better to be alone than in a bad relationship.

But I find myself 'lost'.

I am used to doing things for 'others', not for myself.

I don't know how to do things "for me" w/o feeling guilty, selfish... .

I took care of myself (I am the same weight I was 27 years ago) but not for me, but because I wanted to look nice for the ex.

I cooked, cleaned, shopped, etc... . for everyone, but me.

I made an appointment at a gym, because I want to tone up, etc.

I made it to the parking lot, and turned around... . I just couldn't go in.

I felt like everyone would stare at me and say "what is SHE doing here"?

I am lonely. I wish I had someone to talk to, go see a movie with, have dinner with, listen too, sit close too.

I miss human touch (ex NEVER touched me unless it was to gratify his needs); the kind of human touch that says "you're important to me, I am glad to see you, I care about you".

The 'anger' is subsiding.

I am excited about starting a new life.

BUT sometimes I struggle to get off the couch.

I chicken out when I plan to do things, because I don't want to do them alone.

When will this pass? When will I be comfortable alone?

[parisian]

going places, you are about to cross a bridge between being used to having a significant other and the company and familiarity that brings, and the wonderful excitement of discovering comfort in your own company. It is about learning to appreciate solitude rather than loneliness.

Once you cross that bridge, you will grow and learn so much. Your self confidence and self esteem will soar.

It can be fearful because we worry what others will think or how we might look to them. It's funny because we worry what people we don't even know will think. I used to tell myself that - 'who cares what that person thinks - I do not even know them so why should I even care'.

What worked for me was forcing myself to find things to do and then doing them. I sought out unusual things too - things I would normally have had no interest in. I took a language class, found group events to go to. I went to the movies and museums by myself. I made new friends. I learnt alot. I am now comfortable going to almost anything by myself. Over time I simply stopped caring what other people think. Most of the time other people aren't even thinking about us, but it is our own dark thoughts that cause that irrational fear.

Sure, I miss being in a relationship too - there is nothing like having a special person in your life for support and care and comfort (that was my healthy relationships, not my ex BPD r/s by the way) but you do grow and develop when you learn to accept your own wonderful company first.

It is only when you learn to be comfortable by yourself, that you can then be sure any future relationship will be right because you are comfortable in your own skin. I  know from my past (particularly my ex BPD relationship), that I was not in that comfortable place and that was one of the reasons I ended up with a BPD. I felt like I had to have someone there to feel okay about me, and ultimately I didn't need that at all, so accepted a relationship that was not right for me just to have a relationship.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Going Places

I really know where you are coming from.

I am in the middle of a divorce from my ex husband (who has asperger syndrome and can't express physical affection easily or say he loves me, can't manage sex except once in a blue moon, but who is a good provider, practical DIY man and very reliable). I am also two weeks into a break-up from my BPDxbf who on the face of it, was so different to my husband. He bombarded me with expressions of love, so much so that I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. It was being with him that gave me the courage to end my marriage. So I face two losses simultaneously, the marriage and the relationship I relied upon to leave it. I too am having to find a way of making the shift from loneliness to solitude. I have taken up knitting again, and started a patchwork project to help me occupy my evenings alone at home with the kids. I journal everyday (have done for nearly 14 years), am making an effort to reconnect with friends, but it isn't at all easy, my friends don't contact me so I have to try really hard to resist paranoid thoughts that nobody actually likes me.

The point of this post was to tell you that I had a flash of insight about 3 weeks ago - my fear of being alone is actually a fear of dying alone. I was hanging onto my husband (who is guaranteed to not leave me) just to make sure someone would be there at my deathbed, that someone would care that I had died. Having faced and acknowledged that fear, I felt able to let go of my husband. I'm not as scared of isolation as I was now. I've got loads of other stuff to sort out, but at least my focus is on this life rather than fear of the next, if indeed there is one.

Hang on in there. We can do it.

Lifewriter

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Going-

I am moving from Indiana to Florida in 3 months.

WooHoo!  Florida in the summer.  You will not be cold, guaranteed!

I'm in a weird place.

I know it's better to be alone than in a bad relationship.

But I find myself 'lost'.

Yeah, I know the feeling, and 'lost' is one way to look at it.  Change is both uncomfortable and full of opportunity, and lost can also be full of options and possibilities, exciting when you think about it, and there are 20 million people in Florida, 20 million potential new friends, take your pick!

"If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there."  George Harrison on options

I am used to doing things for 'others', not for myself.

I don't know how to do things "for me" w/o feeling guilty, selfish... .

I like the frame that unless we take care of ourselves first, we have nothing to give.  It's critical to fill ourselves up first, and in that sense selfishness isn't a bad thing, in fact it's mandatory.

I am excited about starting a new life.

BUT sometimes I struggle to get off the couch.

I don't think there's a human on the planet who hasn't felt that way.  It's both the excitement and uncertainty of change, the paradox, also why 'look before you leap' and 'he who hesitates is lost' both have staying power.

When will this pass? When will I be comfortable alone?

Repetition is the mother of skill, and the cool thing about creating a life for yourself, independent of anyone, is that we become mighty attractive when we do.  When you show up in the world coming from a place of abundance, because you say so and have created a life that supports it, instead of a place of need, the needs tend to get met because we attract people who meet them.  It's a mindset, an empowering one.  Take care of you!