Was my ex-girlfriend a borderline?

[Bensonshays]

I dated a girl for a month before she broke up with me. After discussing some of her behavior with a therapist and doing some research, I'm fairly certain she has BPD. Still, I thought it would be useful to get some insight from people who are more familiar with the disorder.

So to briefly summarize:

She was very affectionate and got attached to me very quickly, which was great at first. But I saw things from the very beginning that concerned me, but I overlooked them because I liked her a lot, and still do.

For example, after I kissed her for the first time, like immediately after, she started asking me about my last relationship. Our first date was on a Thursday. I didn't text her on Friday because my plan was to give her space for the weekend and ask her out again on Sunday. She text me Saturday afternoon and said, "You know you can say hi once in a while! Geez!"

When I went to my parents for Christmas, she wanted to talk every night, all six days I was gone, usually for 45 minutes. If I didn't text her until later in the day, she would send messages like, "I was beginning to think you died." I wasn't ignoring her, of course, I was just spending time with my family. If I ever tried to end a phone call before she felt it should end, she would say, "Oh, so I guess I'm boring you?"

She had to reschedule our plans a few times because she had to pick up some work or go to a family function, and every time this happened she would call and profusely apologize and ask me not to get mad at her. She would text me and ask if I missed her, which was weird because we talked every day and saw each other no less than twice a week.

She said she wanted to wait at least four months to meet my family. Naturally I agreed, but she flipped out when I did. "What? You're not supposed to agree with me!" Right before we'd have sex, she would grab me by the temples and ask, "Would you hang out with me if we weren't having sex?"

The night before she broke up with me, she called me and chastised me because I wasn't chasing her enough. She said that my short and spaced out text messages made her feel like she was being needy and annoying. I tried to console her by telling her everything was fine, and that I just wanted to maintain a little space because I didn't want the relationship to get boring. Then I agreed to texting her more, which I started doing later the same night. The next night she called me back and said we communicated differently and ended it. She was dating someone else within two weeks of ending our relationship, and she made sure I found out about it as well.

It seems like her actions were consistent with the symptoms of BPD: neediness, fear of abandonment, immediate emotional attachment rapidly followed by complete disinterest in the relationship. She would randomly switch between being very affectionate and totally distant, and I could never pinpoint what was triggering the mood swings.

She never got angry or violent, but there was a lot of drama stuffed into the brief amount of time we spent together. I did my best to put up reasonable boundaries, which worked initially, but she would complain that I was putting up walls to keep her out, that I wasn't opening up to her, and I unraveled pretty quickly. 

I only ask for input because I still like her and staying away has been frustrating. I haven't seen or spoken to her in a little over two months, but I still would like to know what the hell happened. I've spent a lot of time blaming myself, trying to figure out where things started to go south. I would definitely do a few things differently if I could go back, but I can't look back on anything that I did and understand why she would end the relationship over it.

I would appreciate any thoughts you all may have.

[Skip]

I haven't seen or spoken to her in a little over two months, but I still would like to know what the hell happened. I've spent a lot of time blaming myself, trying to figure out where things started to go south. I would definitely do a few things differently if I could go back, but I can't look back on anything that I did and understand why she would end the relationship over it.

I would appreciate any thoughts you all may have.

I read several years ago that most relationships die in the first 150 days. I adopted a philosophy to not think too hard about it when they do.  It can really be anything.  

With online dating, it gets even crazier.  People are chatting with so many others - you may connect with someone and then someone else shows up on the scene and the person moves on.

Anyway, back to the question, is she BPD? There is not enough info her to really make an educated guess. She does sound needy.

Had she met the other guy are started putting her efforts in his direction - had they known each other and he finally decided to show her more interest - you'll never know, but it tends to sound like she bounced on out like happens so often in the early days.

You're doing a postmortem which is great. So tell us a little more... .

 Warning. Don't think this was about the text messages.  It wasn't.

[Invictus01]

To be honest, before you go the BPD route, you need to look at her past. Like way past, before she was born past. Personality disorders are pretty much 50% genetic and 50% upbringing. I am not sure if a month is long enough time to find out details like - what are her parents like? How was her relationship with her parents growing up? Not sure if a month is a long time to know all this. But from what you described, you should be glad she disappeared after a month. BPD or not, that behavior within A MONTH of starting dating is just beyond stupid.

[Invictus01]

I read several years ago that most relationships die in the first 150 days. I adopted a philosophy to not think two hard about it when they do.  It can really be anything. 

That is true. But I think many people start searching for answers after a suspected personality disorder relationship because they end in such a weird and surreal fashion and the aftermath is so different that any other relationship, you just can't help it but wonder "what the heck just happened to me and what is it that I'm going through?" When a normal short term relationship ends, you talk about it with your ex, you kinda feel bummed about it but it goes away after a few days and you are really done over it in a few weeks (if it was a month long fling, a matter of days). You don't feel like you are going insane, you don't feel like a half of you just died in a car wreck, you don't lose the ability to eat or sleep or concentrate on things. Personally, I've had many many people tell me to just "get over it" and "move on" because it was just a 6.5 month relationship. What they didn't realize is that when it happened, I felt like I was run over by a bus. And while I was laying there with bones sticking out and blood everywhere, people would come up to me, look at me and go "Meh, no worries, get over it, walk it off, you'll be fine!" That's how it felt like except those broken bones and blood was inside of me. It is really tough not to think too hard about that.

[Bensonshays]

To be honest, before you go the BPD route, you need to look at her past. Like way past, before she was born past. Personality disorders are pretty much 50% genetic and 50% upbringing. I am not sure if a month is long enough time to find out details like - what are her parents like? How was her relationship with her parents growing up? Not sure if a month is a long time to know all this. But from what you described, you should be glad she disappeared after a month. BPD or not, that behavior within A MONTH of starting dating is just beyond stupid.

I knew her for about 6 months before we started dating. In that time I found out that she married at 18 and her husband left because he wasn't ready to commit. She got married again at 25 and that husband died in a car accident. She was in the car with him.

She grew up in a very conservative, perhaps even cultish, church where her behavior was severely restricted.  She also told me that her mother had some mental health issues in the past, though she didn't elaborate.

The guy she jumped to had been pursuing her for a year. Two weeks into our relationship, she told me he asked her out again and she refused because she was seeing me. She told me about him because she wanted to make sure we were exclusive. That was after just two weeks.

I'm know her break up excuse was nonsense. But she went from very happy with the relationship to completely disinterested in less than a week. I spent the night at her house that Thursday and she called me the following Wednesday to lay into me for not chasing her enough. This is what originally led  me to consider that she may have some kind of disorder.

I'm trying to learn from this experience,  figure out what I may have done to push her away, but I'm very confused by the whole situation.

[Mister Brightside]

As others have said, more information is needed to determine if she has BPD, but it's certainly possible based on the black and white thinking (wanting all of your attention one moment and not needing any the next).

I'd lean toward yes, with the information you've given so far, including the fact that she tested you by seeing what you'd say about her waiting to meet your family. BorderlInes are famous for testing you to guage your love for them.

Did she ever discuss her past relationships with you early on? That's a big one some borderlines do in order to sound like a victim so you'll come to their rescue.

[Mister Brightside]

After reading your latest response, I'm more convinced she's a borderline. They like to talk about other potential mates to create competition for them so you'll try harder to keep them. They feel comfortable when they suspect you are showing jealousy. They don't care about the insecurities they may be causing, and in fact, that's their intention in order to calm their abandonment fears. And they want you to think you're lucky for being the chosen one. It's so manipulative, and makes me sick since I went through that to an extreme.

[Bensonshays]

As others have said, more information is needed to determine if she has BPD, but it's certainly possible based on the black and white thinking (wanting all of your attention one moment and not needing any the next).

I'd lean toward yes, with the information you've given so far, including the fact that she tested you by seeing what you'd say about her waiting to meet your family. BorderlInes are famous for testing you to guage your love for them.

Did she ever discuss her past relationships with you early on? That's a big one some borderlines do in order to sound like a victim so you'll come to their rescue.

She talked about her deceased husband often. The first red flag caught my attention when she told me that she goes away on his birthday by herself every year to mourn him. When I pressed her about it, she said it wouldn't stop.

She didn't really talk badly about her past partners,  but she never had anything good to say either. Whenever she discussed her boyfriend prior to me, I could hear the disdain in her voice.

By the way, she started hanging out with me on Friday nights before breaking up with him. I thought it was weird, but I didn't dwell on it because I didn't have any designs on her at that point. But it's telling nonetheless because I think she did the same thing to me the week she broke up with me.

[Skip]

What stands out most to me in your posts are three things:

~ Married twice by age 25.

~ Another man competing with you for her affections (with more time with her)

~ Your therapist see her behavior as being beyond normal impulsiveness.

So, maybe a little (or a lot flaky), her love language is "words of affirmation", and she's impulsive in romance (and you are more centered).

So was she involved in the other guy - then switched her eyes to you - got past the "honeymoon" (the playing field was more level) - she jumped back to him.

She had pulled away from him so he was likely pursuing her hard at the same time you were trying to keep things centered.  She even encouraged you to pursue harder.

Where you the rebound? An affair?  Rebounds and affairs are hugely hard to understand until you label it and understand the dynamics of each. While they are very different, one common factor is that things from the base relationship (the other guy) are played out in your relationship.

Does this fit at all?

[Skip]

I only ask for input because I still like her and staying away has been frustrating.

I take it you'd like to reconnect?

[Bensonshays]

What stands out most to me in your posts are three things:

~ Married twice by age 25.

~ Another man competing with you for her affections (with more time with her)

~ Your therapist see her behavior as being beyond normal impulsiveness.

So, maybe a little (or a lot flaky), her love language is "words of affirmation", and she's impulsive in romance (and you are more centered).

So was she involved in the other guy - then switched her eyes to you - got past the "honeymoon" (the playing field was more level) - she jumped back to him.

My understanding is that he was the classic guy friend with a crush on her. When she dumped her ex-bf, guy friend went after her vigorously. I didn't chase, which is why she gave me a shot first, I think.

She had pulled away from him so he was likely pursuing her hard at the same time you were trying to keep things centered.  She even encouraged you to pursue harder.

At first, yes. But she said he disappeared after she turned him down while we were dating. I suspect that she got irritated that I didn't shower her with the affirmation she wanted and reopened the lines of communication with him.

Where you the rebound? An affair?  Rebounds and affairs are hugely hard to understand until you label it and understand the dynamics of each. While they are very different, one common factor is that things from the base relationship (the other guy) are played out in your relationship.

Does this fit at all?

I don't know. She talked about long term plans with me: going to family gatherings,  trips out of town. She also asked if I wanted kids, and she wanted confirmation after our second date that we were dating. She interrogated me about my past, who I'd slept with, dated etc. I could have been the rebound and she may have dumped her ex because he didn't give into her neediness, either. But that's speculation.

I would like her back, but that's just my emotions clouding my better judgement.  She is very beautiful and the sex was fantastic. Moreover, she was very sweet and feminine. But you guys seem to be confirming that this was just the honeymoon phase of a BPD relationship. 

I see a therapist for depression,  so I fear having to manage her constant mood swings would undo all the work I've put in to address my own issues. She hasn't tried to reconcile,  but getting back together is probably unwise.

[Skip]

I would like her back, but that's just my emotions clouding my better judgement.  She is very beautiful and the sex was fantastic. Moreover, she was very sweet and feminine. But you guys seem to be confirming that this was just the honeymoon phase of a BPD relationship. 

Benson,

I don't think we are saying that she is mentally ill.  It could be:

    relationship rebounding,

    immaturity,

    short term mental illness (e.g., depression),

    substance induced illness (e.g., alcoholism),

    a mood disorder (e.g., bipolar),

    an anxiety disorder (e.g., PTSD),

    a personality disorder (e.g., BPD, NPD, 8 others),

    a neurodevelopmental disorder (e.g., ADHD, Aspergers), or

    any combination of the above (i.e., co-morbidity).

But lets go with the least case - let's say its relationship rebounding and emotional immaturity.

That's it. Rebounding and emotional immaturity.

2 marriages by 25. Dated you before breaking off with her BF.  Off to another man after a month.  Clingy.

Does this sound like the girl of your dreams?  I know she is attractive - thats a big factor. But what about her maturity and style?

And a bigger question. You already know this.  She is gone and sleeping with another guy.  What is it that is so compelling about her that it outweighs this?

Don't give it too much thought.  What allures and fears come to mind?

[Bensonshays]

I would like her back, but that's just my emotions clouding my better judgement.  She is very beautiful and the sex was fantastic. Moreover, she was very sweet and feminine. But you guys seem to be confirming that this was just the honeymoon phase of a BPD relationship. 

Benson,

I don't think we are saying that she is mentally ill.  It could be:

    relationship rebounding,

    immaturity,

    short term mental illness (e.g., depression),

    substance induced illness (e.g., alcoholism),

    a mood disorder (e.g., bipolar),

    an anxiety disorder (e.g., PTSD),

    a personality disorder (e.g., BPD, NPD, 8 others),

    a neurodevelopmental disorder (e.g., ADHD, Aspergers), or

    any combination of the above (i.e., co-morbidity).

But lets go with the least case - let's say its relationship rebounding and emotional immaturity.

That's it. Rebounding and emotional immaturity.

2 marriages by 25. Dated you before breaking off with her BF.  Off to another man after a month.  Clingy.

Does this sound like the girl of your dreams?  I know she is attractive - thats a big factor. But what about her maturity and style?

And a bigger question. You already know this.  She is gone and sleeping with another guy.  What is it that is so compelling about her that it outweighs this?

Don't give it too much thought.  What allures and fears come to mind?

My frustration comes from not knowing why things ended so abruptly. I took all the blame at first,  for not showing her the affection that she wanted and then failing to stand up to her when she complained about it.

But after getting some counseling and looking back over her behavior,  she clearly has some unresolved issues. Breaking things down helps me learn from my experiences. So linking her behavior to some definable condition, whatever it may be,  gave me a framework for analyzing what happened.

"She got bored and moved on" is a very unsatisfying answer. Why did she get bored? And how did it happen so quickly? If I mishandled things,  I can accept that. But I want figure out what I did so I can improve for the next relationship.

She doesn't sound like a dream girl, she is, in fact, a complete mess. But we had an amazing,  albeit brief, time together. Knowing that she could move on from that so quickly was a very painful realization for me.

What bothers me the most is that I have to start over with someone else. I don't have a problem meeting women,  but I struggle with some insecurities that stem from the depression, and starting from square one is discouraging.

This is why I'm staying away from her. Despite her issues, I would be tempted to take her back because we have some rapport. That's the allure.

[Mister Brightside]

"She got bored and moved on" is a very unsatisfying answer. Why did she get bored? And how did it happen so quickly? If I mishandled things,  I can accept that. But I want figure out what I did so I can improve for the next relationship.

You didn't do anything wrong. You were playing an unwinnable game. She got bored/was able to move on so quickly because of her black and white thinking. There is very little gray area in a borderline's world. You're either awesome, or you're nothing, in their eyes. You became nothing because of her, not because of yourself. She set you up with impossible demands that no healthy human being would be willing to meet, and even if they were, it probably still wouldn't be enough to fulfill her needs.

One such impossible test was when she told you she didn't want to meet your family for four months and got angry with you when you agreed. Borderlines have plenty of impossible tests to pass. Mine was going back home (lives on the other side of the country) and was in a rush to get out the door (flight the next morning in a semi-distant city). A day or two later she told me she waited outside for five minutes hoping I'd come outside to tell her not to leave. A borderline I was in a relationship with 10 years ago asked me, "If someone in your family and I were drowning, and you could only save one of us, which one of us would you save?" All of the above is ridiculous, including the test your borderline gave you.

I actually told my sister today about your story (your ex not wanting to meet your family for four months and getting mad when you were okay with that). It reminded me a lot about the games borderline's play to gauge how much you love them (from their perspective).

[Bensonshays]

So what happens,  typically? They go from infatuated to distant and decide they don't want you anymore?

The week things ended,  she was scheduled to adopt some foster kids for a few months (yet another  I overlooked), then the agency told her she wasn't getting her kids. Could that have sent her into a depressive episode that she took out on me?

[Mister Brightside]

So what happens,  typically? They go from infatuated to distant and decide they don't want you anymore?

The week things ended,  she was scheduled to adopt some foster kids for a few months (yet another   I overlooked), then the agency told her she wasn't getting her kids. Could that have sent her into a depressive episode that she took out on me?

They have to have someone in their life, typically. If that other guy didn't exist, you'd probably still be being tortured by her games. What turned her off to you, she may have answered herself the night before she broke up with you. "You aren't chasing me enough." You're not her babysitter, but she needs one, so she probably went to this next guy to see if he'd drape himself on her 24/7.

I don't think the foster kids thing had anything to with it. When bad things happen, they need someone to cry to. I'm generalizing here, but with the four cluster B personalities I've been involved with, it holds true.

[Left broken and confused]

If my ex didn't see me ever day and speak to me at least every few hours it would drive him crazy. Maybe it was the same for her and seeing you twice a week wasn't enough. Please don't take this the wrong way we are all here for the same reason which is to get past the hurt and confusion we feel and you're feelings are as real and as important as mine but I noticed you spoke about her attachment to you yet it seems that you got attached just as quickly to her

[Bensonshays]

If my ex didn't see me ever day and speak to me at least every few hours it would drive him crazy. Maybe it was the same for her and seeing you twice a week wasn't enough. Please don't take this the wrong way we are all here for the same reason which is to get past the hurt and confusion we feel and you're feelings are as real and as important as mine but I noticed you spoke about her attachment to you yet it seems that you got attached just as quickly to her

I don't deny that I got attached.  I found it odd from the beginning, but I was just getting comfortable with the fact that she needed more affection than other girls I've dated - "her love language is words of affirmation" - people told me. Then she bounces and leaves me wondering "what the ___?" My understanding is that this is a common outcome in these relationships.

Two other notes I'd your guys input on:

She complained that I didn't pursue her enough,  but she never gave me a chance. She text me every morning and we saw each other often, as I mentioned previously.  I honestly never had a chance to miss her, so I never thought to tell her I did. It's actually comical now that I think about it.

Also, the moment I agreed to change my behavior, she seemed almost repulsed by my concession.  I thought the right response would have been something like, "I really care about you, but I have a busy life and I can't spend  all day texting you." Now I honestly don't know if there was a right answer.

[Bensonshays]

So what happens,  typically? They go from infatuated to distant and decide they don't want you anymore?

The week things ended,  she was scheduled to adopt some foster kids for a few months (yet another   I overlooked), then the agency told her she wasn't getting her kids. Could that have sent her into a depressive episode that she took out on me?

They have to have someone in their life, typically. If that other guy didn't exist, you'd probably still be being tortured by her games. What turned her off to you, she may have answered herself the night before she broke up with you. "You aren't chasing me enough." You're not her babysitter, but she needs one, so she probably went to this next guy to see if he'd drape himself on her 24/7.

I don't think the foster kids thing had anything to with it. When bad things happen, they need someone to cry to. I'm generalizing here, but with the four cluster B personalities I've been involved with, it holds true.

That was my suspicion,  too. What's funny, at least to me, is that she could have had this guy whenever she wanted. Yet she turned him down initially, probably because he was too available. I swear you'd have to be a sociopath to tolerate the mind games.

[Left broken and confused]

From 4 years experience let me just say the right answer would depend upon the mood that day or better yet that moment.  You did nothing wrong. It seems they just wake up one day and decided to pull the rug out from us and make our heads spin. Don't be surprised if she once again contacts you. Most likely when you are moving on with your life.

[Infared]

Bensonshay... .I read all the posts. I guess I t's hard to know if she was BPD and I know we are only hearing things from your side (although you sound very reasonable and balanced).

The question I want to ask is... .Do you see a woman that was trying to love you or one that was trying to control you?

I definitely feel for you and am glad you are here trying to sort the relationship out... .at least one of you is!  

[Bensonshays]

From 4 years experience let me just say the right answer would depend upon the mood that day or better yet that moment.  You did nothing wrong. It seems they just wake up one day and decided to pull the rug out from us and make our heads spin. Don't be surprised if she once again contacts you. Most likely when you are moving on with your life.

I wouldn't be surprised. She uses men for validation, like many insecure girls do, so I'm willing to bet there's "I was just thinking about you" text in my future. 

Bensonshay... .I read all the posts. I guess I t's hard to know if she was BPD and I know we are only hearing things from your side (although you sound very reasonable and balanced).

The question I want to ask is... .Do you see a woman that was trying to love you or one that was trying to control you?

I think she'd agree with everyone here, that I wasn't giving her the attention she wanted. Of course she'd never admit her demands were unreasonable.  "Someone like me needs to be chased," she told me before she dumped me.

She could be very loving, but there was always some kind of drama that I had to deal with. That was her means of controlling me.

[Infared]

From 4 years experience let me just say the right answer would depend upon the mood that day or better yet that moment.  You did nothing wrong. It seems they just wake up one day and decided to pull the rug out from us and make our heads spin. Don't be surprised if she once again contacts you. Most likely when you are moving on with your life.

I wouldn't be surprised. She uses men for validation, like many insecure girls do, so I'm willing to bet there's "I was just thinking about you" text in my future. 

Bensonshay... .I read all the posts. I guess I t's hard to know if she was BPD and I know we are only hearing things from your side (although you sound very reasonable and balanced).

The question I want to ask is... .Do you see a woman that was trying to love you or one that was trying to control you?

I think she'd agree with everyone here, that I wasn't giving her the attention she wanted. Of course she'd never admit her demands were unreasonable.  "Someone like me needs to be chased," she told me before she dumped me.

She could be very loving, but there was always some kind of drama that I had to deal with. That was her means of controlling me.

"I am the kind of girl that needs to be chased."  That is not love my friend. That at the very least is one VERY self-centered person.  You sound like a healthy guy.

I think you can do MUCH better.   

[Dunder]

I've read this entire thread. All of the behaviors are consistent with BPD, but they also do not exclude other possible diagnoses so there's nothing conclusive here. In lieu of an absolute diagnosis, ask yourself if this is a woman that you could see being happy with?  :)o these behaviors indicate that this person would be a good emotional match for the kind of person you are?  Stop second guessing yourself!  We all do it, it's part of the spell that gets put on us in these relationships with dysfunctional people.

[Mister Brightside]

Two other notes I'd your guys input on:

She complained that I didn't pursue her enough, but she never gave me a chance. She text me every morning and we saw each other often, as I mentioned previously.  I honestly never had a chance to miss her, so I never thought to tell her I did. It's actually comical now that I think about it.

Also, the moment I agreed to change my behavior, she seemed almost repulsed by my concession.  I thought the right response would have been something like, "I really care about you, but I have a busy life and I can't spend  all day texting you." Now I honestly don't know if there was a right answer.

You're right. There was no right answer. Borderlines like the thrill of the chase. If you are too distant emotionally with them, they fear abandonment. If you are too close to them, they either get bored or feel smothered.

[Bensonshays]

Two other notes I'd your guys input on:

She complained that I didn't pursue her enough, but she never gave me a chance. She text me every morning and we saw each other often, as I mentioned previously.  I honestly never had a chance to miss her, so I never thought to tell her I did. It's actually comical now that I think about it.

Also, the moment I agreed to change my behavior, she seemed almost repulsed by my concession.  I thought the right response would have been something like, "I really care about you, but I have a busy life and I can't spend  all day texting you." Now I honestly don't know if there was a right answer.

You're right. There was no right answer. Borderlines like the thrill of the chase. If you are too distant emotionally with them, they fear abandonment. If you are too close to them, they either get bored or feel smothered.

Here are a couple of things to take note of from one of my favorite websites about borderlines:

*Only wanting/loving you when there's distance--or they can't actually have you.

what a terrible disoder. I had no chance. Has anyone  succeeded? 

[Mister Brightside]

what a terrible disoder. I had no chance. Has anyone  succeeded?  

I suspect some people have had relatively successful relationships with borderlines, but only in cases where the borderline is aware of their diagnosis, takes responsibility for their actions, and tries to improve. Even then the relationship will probably experience obstacles that a typical relationship wouldn't.

And I don't think it's very common that a borderline will do all of the above. Even if they become aware of their diagnosis, it can take a lot of introspection, something most of them don't have, to change behaviors that have been engrained into their psyche for several, several years. So even if they want to change, which few seem to want to do, it takes a lot of work to actually change.

Reading stories of others, on these message boards and elsewhere, it sounds like many have had good experiences with borderlines for a number of years, but then one day things suddenly change. It's almost as if they are a ticking time bomb, but none of us know how much time is left until things explode.

For you and I, the fuse was very short, and our relationships hardly lasted long at all. Sometimes I wonder if I should be thankful for the guy who took the borderline's attention away from me (he was an ex of hers who came back into her life). We may be screwed up right now, wondering what the heck happened, but on the bright side, several years of our lives weren't wasted. I'm not trying to rub it in for those who were involved for several years, but this is your thread, so I just wanted to look on the bright side for you.

[Bensonshays]

what a terrible disoder. I had no chance. Has anyone  succeeded?  

I suspect some people have had relatively successful relationships with borderlines, but only in cases where the borderline is aware of their diagnosis, takes responsibility for their actions, and tries to improve. Even then the relationship will probably experience obstacles that a typical relationship wouldn't.

And I don't think it's very common that a borderline will do all of the above. Even if they become aware of their diagnosis, it can take a lot of introspection, something most of them don't have, to change behaviors that have been engrained into their psyche for several, several years. So even if they want to change, which few seem to want to do, it takes a lot of work to actually change.

Reading stories of others, on these message boards and elsewhere, it sounds like many have had good experiences with borderlines for a number of years, but then one day things suddenly change. It's almost as if they are a ticking time bomb, but none of us know how much time is left until things explode.

For you and I, the fuse was very short, and our relationships hardly lasted long at all. Sometimes I wonder if I should be thankful for the guy who took the borderline's attention away from me (he was an ex of hers who came back into her life). We may be screwed up right now, wondering what the heck happened, but on the bright side, several years of our lives weren't wasted. I'm not trying to rub it in for those who were involved for several years, but this is your thread, so I just wanted to look on the bright side for you.

That's a good point. I had a  hard time accepting that she would be trouble in the long run. But the longer I stay away,  the more obvious it becomes that she did me a favor by walking away.

[Bensonshays]

Don't be surprised if she once again contacts you. Most likely when you are moving on with your life.

How do you guys respond when your ex's  break no contact? I'm anticipating that mine will be checking up to see if I'm willing to give her some attention. She did that once after the break up.

[Skip]

what a terrible disorder. I had no chance. Has anyone  succeeded?  

Benson,

Its appealing to think that the person who rejected us is a broken and its not us. Be careful with that.  It's not the most healthy approach to this.

Clearly this girl bounces from on guy to another without stopping to regroup and heal.  She started with you before she ended her last relationship.  She may have don the same to you.

She also had a husband die in a car accident that she was in.  That may have something to do with her flakiness.  Or she may just be flaky.

But to diagnosis her with a PD and start saying things like "she'll never have a good relationship" is more about you trying to shield yourself from the rejection anxiety you are struggling with than the an unbiased assessment of her.

It will help to see yourself in all of this.  There are things in you that make this hard to shake off.  Take them on.

Why?

Because, you may very well be faced with a long term relationship that fails at some point - and if a "one monther" is this traumatic, imagine how failure in a longer, deeper relationship will be.

A good place to start is to take this thing apart and look at where you may have stumbled.

For example - when she had not ended her prior relationship and you were intimate with her, you were in stepping into an ultra high risk situation.

1. She was cheating to be with you (and that tends to comeback around)

2. The likelihood of her going back to the prior relationship was high.

3. The likelihood that you and her was a rebound was high.

4. You were have deep intimate sex with her and this was triggering all the physiological bonding hormones in you that, if the relationship failed, would then cause you the physiological/psychological pain you are feeling now.

A big lesson here is not to do this to yourself again.

Don't let this message get by.  There is an evolutionary reason why we are constructed to suffer when a relationship fails. Its a learning process.

Don't be surprised if she once again contacts you. Most likely when you are moving on with your life.

How do you guys respond when your ex's  break no contact? I'm anticipating that mine will be checking up to see if I'm willing to give her some attention. She did that once after the break up.

The bigger question is whether you are going to pursue this relationship if given a chance or if you see that it is unhealthy proposition that will likely cause you more pain and stay away from it.