Compartmentalization, doing the mental shuffle again

[dagwoodbowser]

For those not familiar with what compartmentalization is, it's where you sort through good, bad and ugly feelings/emotions, your psyche sorts them out and for some reason your mind/subconscious stores them away in separate sections. A filing cabinet for positive memories, one for the negative. It's some kind of coping mechanism. I cant say if everyone does this, but I realized after my last recycle that it was occurring more and more frequently. I have Co-dependency struggles and know that it is also common in BPD's.

I'm on day 35 after yet another recycle. First 10 days were horrible and all I thought about was how badly I had been hurt. Few weeks later more of being numb. Now I find more and more of the feel good memories are bubbling up. Yeah, it's nice to feel and enjoy these emotions, but it tends to trigger me telling myself that "maybe" being involved with my BPDx wasn't or isn't such a bad thing after all. When I realize how crazy it is to think this way and how vulnerable it makes to breaking N/C I cant help but wonder if it's this compartmentalization that has made me keep going back for another shredding. As I read the Boards I know at any given time some of us are Day 3 or 30 or maybe Day 300 of N/C and have Not gone back. In the past I have not made it past 90 days, either by her reaching out to me or my doing. How have some of you overcome this?

[Mutt]

In the past I have not made it past 90 days, either by her reaching out to me or my doing. How have some of you overcome this?

Hi dagwoodbowser,

Good for you making it 35 days.

Detaching can feel horrible.

You had many recycles?

Are you worried you're not going to make it past 90 days?

Did you have a group for support? 

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, we all use compartmentalization to some extent, to separate conflicting feelings that we can't reconcile otherwise, and borderlines use it to the extreme, making someone all bad or all good, the black/white thingy.  Compartmentalization is also where phrases like "looking at the world through rose-colored glasses" and "the good ol' days" come from; forget or deny the bad, accentuate the good, create our own bliss.  To an extent it's a vital part of living, to help us move forward with head held high.

Anyway, after a relationship with a borderline ends we can have a conflict between our thoughts and our emotions, between our head and our heart.  That's what happens when we project our idea of someone onto them, which is easy to do when they're concurrently mirroring back to us the good they see in us, and then after a while it becomes clear that the projections, the mirrors, it's all an illusion and the real person under it just doesn't match up.  Yet our heart still wants to chase the illusion.  So what to do?  We know our head is right, as our heart protests, and after the relationship ends it's natural to slip on the rose-colored glasses, so to keep seeing more clearly, what works is to make a list of all the unacceptable crap you put up with in the relationship, my list was half a page initially but stretched to two pages as I remembered things, and then read every day, multiple times if you to need to, and fully associate to how the bullsht made you FEEL.  If you do that strongly enough will finish with rebolstered resolve, and after a while your heart will stop complaining and just accept what is right. 

So what's the first thing on your list?

[dagwoodbowser]

Anyway, after a relationship with a borderline ends we can have a conflict between our thoughts and our emotions, between our head and our heart.

fromheeltotoe:Thank you for the solid clarity here. Yes, actually have a notebook I write random thoughts on and I did make a list a while back, some call it The Franklin List where you draw a line down middle of page and one column is pros' the other con's. Right now my list consists of about 13 negatives vs like 4 positives (one is great sex?)

Here's the rub. I actually made the list after the 2nd recycle to no avail. But, I didnt internalize it as use suggested referring back to it on a reg basis to remind me of the bs.

mutt: I have had 4 recycles over an almost 3 yr period. I dont have much of a support, but thankfully I have this place now. I also cant afford a T at this time. And yes, I am worried about those 90 days. Historically, her pain, struggle, failed rebound or whatever it is seems to activate for her around 80 days plus and that is when she bommerangs back around. I must confess that the first 2 times I was all too happy that it happened believing I had the knowledge and knew what to do to make it work "this time." However, no matter how much of learned about her condition, becoming better at reading the cues, etc. thinking I've got this, she's too crafty. The main thing is the lying and the cheating. She simply gets better at playing more and more advance shell games with me on hiding the Orbitors.There of course other issues at play, and after each reunion she makes promises that I now realize she wont or simply can not keep. This time I've blocked her number to texts and calls as well as set up emails to simply delete

[LimboFL]

I have heard this idea of writing down a list, heel, but I think that reading your post has crystallized the need for this to a be critical step in the recovery process. I think that the hardest part of that is remembering everything, which is why this board has been so helpful. Fairly regularly I will read someone else's story and be reminded that my exBPDgf did that same thing.

As you so succinctly put it, I believe it is exactly at this point, where we are fighting between our minds and our hearts, that gets so many of us stuck in the quicksand, where we got bogged down and progress slows to a crawl.

Just yesterday, I took one of those quick 10 min naps, was very tired and fell into that really deep heavy slumber and I experienced some negative flashbacks of my ex just being rough with her attitude towards me and dishing out some brief but caustic insults. It was so brief that I couldn't even remember what was said but rather simply the tone and her demeanor. Progress maybe, my mind trying to educate the heart. Brief but hardcore. Yet I remain in an emotional funk. if only we could have video to run to remind us. I tried once to tape her during a rage but she erased it, after I had run out. I made the mistake of telling her during the fight that she was being recorded on my tablet.

How ridiculous is it that I can even recount such a story and do so while being fickle about my emotions for her? I guess that, while the knowledge of the disorder has helped rationalize what we went through, it also had a negative impact in how it has and continues to work on our natural tendency towards empathy which pushes us to forgive.

[1989]

Hi Dagwoodbowser,

First, we recycled for the third time after 20+ years and it followed the same pattern as before.  So that gave me the knowledge that time doesn't change anything.  

Second, there are things he said that are burned in my memory that cause me so much pain.  I have heard 4 times now that he loves me but he's in love with someone else.  I don't ever want to hear that again.  

Third, I have visual memories of where I was during the last "ditch"-- I remember being on my knees crying.  I remember clutching my bible for comfort just to fall asleep.  I remember tears streaming down my face and not even realizing I was crying until I felt the wetness.

I have many more examples, but you get the gist of it.  I don't think about how awesome if felt to reconnect, I focus on where I was when it ended again, and that is what keeps me from breaking NC.

I have given up hope that someday he will see the light and it will all be okay.  It won't.  Time and his choices have proven that.

[dagwoodbowser]

First, we recycled for the third time after 20+ years and it followed the same pattern as before.  So that gave me the knowledge that time doesn't change anything. 

1989, yes I think we all have the illusion that time will change someone and I know that a mere few months will not make a difference.

limbo: I often have dreams that roll over into nightmares about my BPDx. No specific events in the dream, but in the dreams, I feel a sense of deep emptiness, lack and no control. I wake up, scribble a few notes in my notebook. Next day I am grounded. The day after, i'll be wondering the isles at Walmart and start to remember little fun details about cool things we used to do, but I am getting better at catching myself.

[Mutt]

Historically, her pain, struggle, failed rebound or whatever it is seems to activate for her around 80 days plus and that is when she bommerangs back around.

What happens here?

Does she go radio silent and then she's back in your life?

Does she text, call, e-mail incessantly?

What's the hook?

[dagwoodbowser]

Mutt... .such a great question! I will be blunt because I have to be. It's about Sex mainly. That is The Hook. The first 2 R/S's, she came at me with the: "I miss you, you're the only one that understands me, only one that truly Loved me" etc, etc. We would then have an amazing, magical romp and then she floods me with the texts, the emails and song dedications and cant seem to get enough of me. My defenses are up and then before I know it, I am under her thumb. The texts lessen, the flowery emails stop and the excuses and reason as to why I cant go over or the weekend plans get cancelled. I honesty was in Denial that all she wanted was to Seduce me and Use me the first few times.

[Mutt]

I will be blunt because I have to be.

It helps talking about your true feelings. It's a place where you can share openly.

We would then have an amazing, magical romp and then she floods me with the texts, the emails and song dedications and cant seem to get enough of me.

It sounds like she's idealizing you

The texts lessen, the flowery emails stop and the excuses and reason as to why I cant go over or the weekend plans get cancelled.

It sounds here like engulfment / annihilation fears.

[Blimblam]

compartmentalization is sort of a broad concept that encompasses many concepts.  The schema modes from schema therapy form a really useful model of how compartmentalization manifests.  All the different splitting concepts. And much more.  So compartmentalization is a sort of a umbrella term that can describe many different instances when the psyche compartmentalizes.   It's use as a verb is I think it's strength conceptually.

[myself]

There's a rug. I swept things underneath it, she did too, and some of it we did together. It became like a mountain neither of us could really deal with. She bailed out first. I was left with my part of the rug and much of the pile (she took her version of it with her). For quite awhile I sat here looking at it, wondering about it, crying over it. Then I got up and started shaking it out, getting rid of the dust and crumbs, and swept away (still sweeping) the bigger stuff from beneath. The room, so to speak, may seem emptier now, with less compartments to hide things in, but it's progress and I'm thankful.

[dagwoodbowser]

sort of a broad concept that encompasses many concepts

Blimblam: You had me at compartmentalization and broad concept... .then I experienced brain freeze. I am sure from a very deep level there's more to all this and why we do it.

myself: Call me a dunce, but I can relate to this concept... .. My xBPD and I did the same thing, Swept stuff away under the rug and when the elephant in the room walked by eating peanuts and dropping the shells by our feet we just kept watching TV and passively-aggressively told each other everything was peachy.

[raisins3142]

To be blunt: compartmentalization, for me, is just lying to yourself.  What else is it at its root and using clear language?

My ex excused some of her lies by saying she compartmentalized it.  No, she was just such a good liar that she could lie to herself as well.

As you can tell, I'm not big on Dr. Phil language that hides what I think is really going on.  If you stick something in a part of your mind and "forget about it", then you are lying to yourself.  Unless you have multiple personalities or something.

[Blimblam]

I can't always just sort of perform a really good response on command.  I suppose what I'm trying to say is compartmentalization is best used in the form of a verb and in conjunction with projection and splitting.  But I also see the arrested development of parts of the psyche as a form of compartmentalization and I think the schema therapy model really covers that well.  As well as the karpman drama triangle. 

But even when i say I can't access the best of answers at the moment it's because I'm not in that state of mind which implies that Is within a different compartment of myself I don't have full access to at the moment.

[dagwoodbowser]

To be blunt: compartmentalization, for me, is just lying to yourself.  What else is it at its root and using clear language?

My ex excused some of her lies by saying she compartmentalized it.  No, she was just such a good liar that she could lie to herself as well.

As you can tell, I'm not big on Dr. Phil language that hides what I think is really going on.  If you stick something in a part of your mind and "forget about it", then you are lying to yourself.  Unless you have multiple personalities or something.

raisins3142 in the plainest of laymen terms it is lying to oneself. I wont speculate why some of us do it and others are better able to not slip into a delusional fantasy world that only exists in our feeble minds. I'm sure Blimblam could and has a good grasp and explaination but even if I knew each process and step involved I have my own issues apart from my BPDx and those have been exposed to me post this wild ride and I'm now the one legged man at the butt kicking contest trying to address, patch or contain my own cracks.

The recycles have to stop and now I finally understand that N/C is about detaching from someone that exposes your inner weakness', rubs your nose in it and drives you to the edge of insanity.