Self soothing in lieu of breaking NC - how to?

[Beach_Babe]

Part of me wants to contact him to let him know I unfriended the mutual friend. Part of me wants to acknowledge it was wrong. Maybe to clear my own conscience maybe because of bad day today. Of course I wish we could still be friends, but I know we cant and he insists on hatred and NC (until he needs something again of course).

How do you guys ride it out when these feelings hit?

[hope2727]

Part of me wants to contact him to let him know I unfriended the mutual friend. Part of me wants to acknowledge it was wrong. Maybe to clear my own conscience maybe because of bad day today. Of course I wish we could still be friends, but I know we cant and he insists on hatred and NC (until he needs something again of course).

How do you guys ride it out when these feelings hit?

I feel EXACTLY like that on a regular basis. I hand my phone to a friend. I read here. I write lists of mean things he did. I eat the expensive ice cream. I obsessively search the internet for parts for the motorcycle I am fixing up. I purge my closets. I watch tv compulsively. I binge watch series. I braid my hair.I cry a lot. I stand in a scalding shower and yell at him.

Tonight I am going to a trade show and then dinner in an attempt to self soothe.

[tim_tom]

Part of me wants to contact him to let him know I unfriended the mutual friend. Part of me wants to acknowledge it was wrong. Maybe to clear my own conscience maybe because of bad day today. Of course I wish we could still be friends, but I know we cant and he insists on hatred and NC (until he needs something again of course).

How do you guys ride it out when these feelings hit?

I'm way paste the stage of wanting to contact her, but I think just plain stubbornness is what got me through. I said to myself I'm not going to contact her no matter what, that chasing her around and trying to reconcile or seeking answers was going to be a complete waste of time and just prolong my healing. And that was it, I just flat out refused to do something I knew wasn't going to be good for me

Btw, I wish there was a local IRL support group these relationships

[Beach_Babe]

hope: those are great ideas hope. I am having a weak moment myself tonight and trying so hard not to contact him.

timtom: oh how I admire your resolve! Im stubborn too or at least trying to be. Day 12 NC.  How many for you?

[tim_tom]

timtom: oh how I admire your resolve! Im stubborn too or at least trying to be. Day 12 NC.  How many for you?

Hmm, B/U 8 months ago, I've only ever reached out to her first 1 time in an email for closure, all along I responded rarely to her attempted contacts which all but stopped 5 months ago. Then about 4-5 weeks ago we texted but it was something we had to talk about due to us having lived together, all business

[Mutt]

How do you guys ride it out when these feelings hit?

I found when I felt triggered and difficult to manage  ( NC and detaching felt like going cold-turkey for me )  I would post here. It gets better with time.

Is there a necessity to contact and advise unfriending the mutual friend and justify why?

Is it an urge to hear from him for soothing because of a bad day?

[Beach_Babe]

No because ex had asked me to months ago. And when I refused screamed "its them or me" (even tho he continued to talk to them). I know its what contributed to this, and partially led to the final discard. Often times even tho its over I feel guilty.

[Beach_Babe]

tim:  what was her response to that closure email?

[Mutt]

No because ex had asked me to months ago. And when I refused screamed "its them or me" (even tho he continued to talk to them). I know its what contributed to this, and partially led to the final discard. Often times even tho its over I feel guilty.

What I find helps and I do this with ex regardless of her protests.

I say things once only and don't JADE ( Justify, Attack, Defend, Explain)

We're not in a r/s and she's not in my stuff and vice versa.

If I JADE it perpetuates and provides her opportunities for conflict. Hence, I feel like I'm back on an emotional roller-coaster and she'll dissociate ( lie ) and can't be reasoned with and project her actions / feelings.

[Beach_Babe]

Do you have any kind of contact with her now Mutt? Dont you have to wait for them to contact you otherwise they are nasty? It would only be not for a recycle but peaceful closure. Fantasy yes I know

[Mutt]

Do you have any kind of contact with her now Mutt? Dont you have to wait for them to contact you otherwise they are nasty? It would only be not for a recycle but peaceful closure. Fantasy yes I know

I understand closure. It's hard.

I have S3, S7, D9 with her

She contacts me and vice versa.

We co-parent.

I'm split black again so she's been sending some nasty emails.

I communicate mostly by email to keep track in case of ( court )

That being said not JADE'ing is often something I practice with her and some family members when they cross boundaries and try to ask about my stuff

My ex often cross boundaries and tries to get into my stuff and baits, devaluates, attacks if I ask about her stuff and I simply don't

She has double standards

It minimizes and removes me from drama and doesn't give her negative attention

[tim_tom]

tim:  what was her response to that closure email?

It was funny actually, about a week later I get a text that she read my email and it made her sad, then she forgave me. Which is odd, cause while my closure email did point out my mistakes and take responsibility (i was drinking nearly daily the end), a large swatch of it was explaining to her that I was drinking so much because of the stress she was causing me. I acknowledged that drinking in response to stress was a poor outlet (i should've left her), and listed all the things that she did to trigger, and she responded as if I was apologizing cause it was 100% my fault. Which sums up a good portion of our relationship, everything was my fault

[downwhim]

Beach Babe,

Let's see. Too keep busy from ruminating or calling him? I pack boxes, cleaned out my son's car (he is on a trip), read, watch series on netflex, get nails done, take my dog for a walk, cry, drink wine, sit out on my deck. Yesterday the plumber found a leak at my garage and instead of him digging out the 2 cement cylinders I did. Saved me money and kept me from thinking of him on a 79 degree day... .In my case moving will get me out of his back yard and around so many triggers. I need to heal and I think I hold too many memories where I am at... .Hope that helps some.

[jhkbuzz]

Do you have any kind of contact with her now Mutt? Dont you have to wait for them to contact you otherwise they are nasty? It would only be not for a recycle but peaceful closure. Fantasy yes I know

Yes, fantasy. You will have to find ways to give yourself closure.  It seems impossible in the first stages of the b/u, but it is not only possible but necessary.  Most of us who have remained n/c and have begun healing have had to do this.  For me, it was MONTHS of reconciling the "wonderful" aspects of my ex (because no one is completely awful - we wouldn't have gotten involved if they were!) with the emotionally abusive - truly awful - aspects of my ex.  Initially I couldn't roll the extreme dichotomy into one person... .but once I did (and realized that the "awful" would continue if we ever got back together) I began to let go.  The last four years of the r/s were the worst years of my life.  Sign up for more?  No thanks.  And I can say this even though I still love her.  Not in the desperate "I must have her" way, but in the "Oh how sad, we loved each other in the beginning but the BPD made our r/s impossible. The reasons I fell in love with her are still present - but so are the abusive BPD behaviors" kind of way.

As for your original question:  stay BUSY.  Spend time with people who love you.  Try new activities even though you might be scared ___less.  Step outside your comfort zone.  It doesn't matter that you may still feel sad before or after; the activities will distract you during.  And you need that mental break, that mental "vacation."

[Beach_Babe]

tim_tom: so you never got any kind of apology from her? Thats sad. Its not all your fault. Mine wants me to think that too.

downwhim: thats great you were able to save some money. I am trying to make some changes too, and stay busy just to break the association. I know its over, I think I just dont want to feel the pain.

jhkbuzz: I accepted the dichotomy I was just naive thinking he would never leave; that we could always work through things. Im disposible it hurts so much.

[jhkbuzz]

tim_tom: so you never got any kind of apology from her? Thats sad. Its not all your fault. Mine wants me to think that too.

downwhim: thats great you were able to save some money. I am trying to make some changes too, and stay busy just to break the association. I know its over, I think I just dont want to feel the pain.

jhkbuzz: I accepted the dichotomy I was just naive thinking he would never leave; that we could always work through things. Im disposible it hurts so much.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. 

[Indiegrl]

I was just naive thinking he would never leave; that we could always work through things

Beach Babe... . I'm sorry to not answering the question in your thread, but I just had a moment... .      I just realized that I too have been thinking - still think - that he never ever will/ would leave me. I realize that I've never felt so safe and trusting towards anybody before.

Oh ... . guess that is a solid hook... .

[Beach_Babe]

jhkbuzz: likewise and thank you for all your kind posts.

Indiegirl: Solid hook, man thats for sure. Thats probably why no matter what I kept coming back for more. You too?

[jhkbuzz]

I would have bet my LIFE that my ex needed me so much that she would never leave me.

If I had made that bet, I'd be dead right now.

[Indiegrl]

I would have bet my LIFE that my ex needed me so much that she would never leave me.

If I had made that bet, I'd be dead right now.

At the time, did you think of it as need or love then?

[jhkbuzz]

I would have bet my LIFE that my ex needed me so much that she would never leave me.

If I had made that bet, I'd be dead right now.

At the time, did you think of it as need or love then?

Both.  But it was waaaaaaaaaay more 'need' (and much less healthy, adult 'love' than I realized.

[Indiegrl]

Both.  But it was waaaaaaaaaay more 'need' (and much less healthy, adult 'love' than I realized.

Ugh. This says it all, I think.

I feel a bit afraid of seing this image. He's emotionally needy, but the rest he can manage quite well. But as the FOG is gone, I can see clearly how it wasn't the healthy steady love relationship with the reciprocity I thought it to be.

It's a painful image. But even in all its' ugliness, truth conquers bad faith and denial.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Beach-Babe,

It has been 4 wks for me? ... .since he left.

Currently, it is bothering me to sleep alone.

Then I think about it and realize that this is an issue for me, even without him.

I mean, we lived together for 7 months broken up, and most of that I slept alone!  Even with the cycling of push/pull, even with him next to me for 5 yrs, I felt so alone!

So I again am faced with looking at me.

What can I do to feel secure and soothed in those times at night to be content with myself and my own company?

Idk yet 

I just know that the answer does not exist with Him. :/

[Beach_Babe]

sunfl0wer: *hugs*  Im in the same boat too. Its hard. Dont laugh but I really found getting a dog helped. It loves me unconditionally, doesn't have mood swings and is probably  smarter too.