Black Heart

[Ren12]

I have been lingering on the sidelines of this forum for about a month.  Been searching since the last recycle what the issue with my wife is, and why she can be so unpractical and angry during conflicts.  I finally found all the answers when I found this site.  Believe me, it has been much more than a month search looking for answers.  Found myself on multiple mental disorder sites until all most of my questions where answered by reading through a lot of post of BPD sufferers.

I have been with my wife (moving out today) for 4 years and married just over a year.  She disconnected after I threatened and even rented a basement suite (even though I never moved into it). I wanted her to get control of her anger during conflicts, and generally I knew she wouldn't agree for counselling until I threatened to move out.  Little did I know while she was getting counselling and in my eyes improving, that she would disconnect and move into her sisters basement just before xmas.  Immediately I tried to get her back, improving myself, and courting her again. She moved back in last month, but by all accounts was still disconnected emotionally and physically.  Like she is numb to anything.  I stopped trying to fix our relationship and took a step back thinking that would help her to figure things out. Recieved all the loving words, but no loving ACTION.  AND then BAM. Last monday I got an email, that essentially says, she can never love me like she did, and we should move on, and how she wants be freinds blah blah blah. I replied with an email stating that 100% commitment is required by both parties to make things work, and that sent her in the angry state again. Calling me and essentially telling me she was moving going to move out in a week (now today).

I worked out of town this week. She asked if I could stay out of the house so she can move today.  I agreed.  Last night was tough, thinking about her moving out today, and I wanted some kind of emotion from her.  I sent her a heart felt email about our wedding day, and how amazing it was (everyone thought it was) and saying good bye.  Again, I got nothing in return about the email.  I have recieved mutliple texts, regarding what items she can take.  

I finally just asked texted her, "have you lost all emotion? Not sure I can be friends with someone so numb".  Her reply,"I have a black heart".

I can't believe she can so easily throw this all away.  I just wonder if she will try and recycle again.

Ren

[Mutt]

Hi Ren12,



I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It's painful, confusing and frustrating when a loved one with borderline personality disorder traits is engulfed and detaching.

It's hard when you can't communicate or get reciprocal liking with your significant other.

Watching her move out must be really tough. I can relate.

Do you have kids?

[Beach_Babe]

Wow. The black heart thing. My ex told me on several occasions "I do not think I have the ability to love. I can be infatuated, even obsessed with someone but do not know if I can actually 'love' someone in a traditional sense."  I applaud you for getting out. I wish I would have done so much earlier.

Perhaps she will come back around with time. Do you want her back though? Is she willing to go to couples counseling?

[Ren12]

No kids. Thank god. Seeing I couldn't handle her drama and anger, I could not bring myself to have kids. I am 33 and she is 28. 

She has always known something hasn't been straight/right in her head with how angry she gets.  And possibly other things that she has never communicated to me till this day.  When I first brought up the counselling idea before xmas, she agreed, except she wanted to go first by herself.  I thought that was great, and relayed to her that I would be willing to go as a couple after giving the okay by her.  She did 3 counselling sessions on her own to get help with how she deals with conflict, and things did improve like I said before the first disconnection at xmas.  So much so, we did 2 counselling sessions together.  Then the disconnection, and the counselling stopped, and the her commitment to make to work on this stopped too. 

She is such a beautiful girl, and I fell head over heals for her the first time I saw her.  Still get butterflies when I think of seeing her.  The highs of the roller-coaster and her apologies in the lows always kept me attached, until the apologies stopped. When the apologies stopped the accusations started, "you make me angry with how you talk to me"... .blah blah blah.  Then it started to effect me emotionally/physically more than ever.  I have been loosing my hair in circular patches for about a year now. Have Alopecia Aereata (autoimmune issue). Mostly I think from the stresses of her, and I think from dealing with the question of "how can a my wife love me, but be so hurtful with her words". To take her back, there would have to be improvement on her part 10 fold.  No more yelling and hurtful comments under any circumstance. 

I found out this year that her grandpa had schizophrenia. Also, her mom left her dad about 3 years ago (close to the start of our relationship). Her dad has been dealing with anxiety/depression issues for the last 10 years and on some potent drugs also prescribed for schizophrenia. My ex would always say her mom always thought her dad was crazy, and needed the meds.  I am pretty close to her mom (she really loves me as her own), and thinks I am the best fit for her daughter.  I can only imagine how the conversation went when my ex told her mom she was leaving me again. 

I grew up in such a loving household.  My parents are married to this day and do countless things together, and have the mindset of handling conflicts rationally, with trying to understand where the other person is coming from.  She always said, that I lived in a dream world of trying to resolve conflicts rationally and civil.  Heck, I have had multiple relationships and always prided on good conflict resolution.  She on the other hand, only had one other serious relationship, in which she always said there was conflict and arguing, and they split because he cheated on her, and they could not live under the same roof because of the conflicting arguing.  I now have to wonder if she just lied about him cheating on her, and it was her that caused the downfall.

A couple days ago I sent her a BPD test link in a text. Just the link and said nothing.  She asked "what that was", and then later "?", but I did not respond.  I hope she researches it a further and can get the help she needs.  I have been doing a lot of soul searching, and I did marry the girl, so I am willing to help her through the process, but first she needs to commit to counselling and change. I am doubtful she will commit to that fully, as she never finishes anything.

[Turkish]

Ren12,

I am so sorry that this happened to you. After 2 kids and six years, I found something my Ex wrote, "I just can't love him." It all imploded in less than a year.

I urged her to get help before she moved out (she's diagnosed with depression, but not BPD), but she said, "I feel like you're throwing my 'sickness' in my face."

pwBPD suffer from a core sense of shame. Once we trigger that shame, we're painted black. If she has a history f mental illness in her family, it's likely that the threshold of that shame trigger is low, as sad as it is. As much as you want her to get better, suggesting she get help isn't likely to elicit a good response.

Did she actually move out? It sounds like this is still up in the air.

[Ren12]

Thanks for the message Turkist, what you said makes  a lot of sense of my situation.

I got a very similar statement in her breakup email.

"You need yourself a good girl that can provide you with the emotional AND sexual connect. I can't. I don't know why, but I can't."

Now that I am back home, i see she is about 1/3 moved out. She is living in her friends basement with minimal space. She says she can only be there for about 3 months.  She says she is going to take the rest of her stuff at that time.  I am debating packing all her stuff up in the corner of the basement and then in 3 months take it to her sisters (lives only a couple blocks from me). 

She left her engagement ring on the bedside table, but wants to keep her marriage band.  Initially I felt and said she could keep the engagement ring, but then realized it means nothing to her, so asked for it back and plan on selling it. I even told her that I feel it means nothing to her, and she said nothing.  Thinking of holding on it for the 3 months and see if she is capable of change.

Is there a forum for diagnosed BPD sufferers? Where they post their struggles? Just want to understand the BPD from actual sufferers a little better.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Wow. The black heart thing. My ex told me on several occasions "I do not think I have the ability to love. I can be infatuated, even obsessed with someone but do not know if I can actually 'love' someone in a traditional sense."  I applaud you for getting out. I wish I would have done so much earlier.

Perhaps she will come back around with time. Do you want her back though? Is she willing to go to couples counseling?

My ex hated romantic movies. She felt they were predictable and fabricated. I agree with her but I enjoy a good love story bc I can relate. There were a couple times my ex stated she wasn't sure if she was capable of love. When I was with her I laughed it off and swept it under thr rug. I thought she was joking. I realize now I should've taken that a bit more serious.

   It's amazing how when we are enmeshed in our relationship thr red flags are glaring us right in the face. Love truly is blind.

[Turkish]

Your plan sounds at least safe, Ren12. It's odd that she wants to keep the band, but we can drive ourselves crazy trying to guess what the motivations behind the behaviors of the pwBPD in our lives. I'm not sure how healthy reading forum posts from pwBPD would be, and truthfully, it is probably a mix of people who are struggling through various stages of recovery, or those who don't want to recover. I have an old family friend who is diagnosed with BPD. She embraces her diagnosis (along with a few other things), and relegates possible recovery to the time 25 years ago where her mother never listened to her about getting treatment for her anxiety and depression. Thus, she lives as she does... . kind of on the edge.

We do have some material from a recovered person with BPD. Perhaps it can give you some insight:

BPD Behaviors: How it feels to have BPD

You landed here on the Leaving Board because she left. This is certainly a place to recover from a relationship that has ended. From what you write, however, it seems like you will still be in communication with her. It might be in your interest to learn the BPD-specific communication tools outline in the lessons on the Staying Board (see here for the lessons).

Turkish

[jhkbuzz]

Wow. The black heart thing. My ex told me on several occasions "I do not think I have the ability to love. I can be infatuated, even obsessed with someone but do not know if I can actually 'love' someone in a traditional sense."  I applaud you for getting out. I wish I would have done so much earlier.

Perhaps she will come back around with time. Do you want her back though? Is she willing to go to couples counseling?

My ex also told me that she thinks she's never really loved anyone.  It makes sense if pwBPD are emotionally "stuck" at a very young age, since very young children are all "me me me" and needs based.  Their "love" for you is based on the "needs" of theirs that you fulfill.

I know what I'm about to say is next to impossible, but try not to take her detached affect personally.  The truth is that she is in so much pain that she has dissociated her emotions.  She truly is "numb."  It's a coping strategy for overwhelming emotions.

[Ren12]

 YES! The truth has finally come out. Coming clean with the truth will hurt her more than me.

So, I was going through my facebook messages and noticed this "other" selection for messages.  I guess when someone isn't facebook friends with you, this is where the messages go. Did not notice it until today because of being in the "other" folder.

I received the following message January 9th this year.  Fitting, as you all aware in November 2014 is when exBPD "disconnected".

This is the message.

You need to know that your wife has not been faithful to you. She has cheated several times with somebody that we work with.

I'm just telling you because I would want to know. I think you should talk to her about it and hopefully she will be honest with you.

Take care

The person that sent it name is "XXXX XX".  I think he/she set up this anonymous account just to send me the message.  Funny though as he/she picked the toronto maple leafs as "likes" and other things to show to tip me off that this was not spam and definitely new my wife. The Toronto Maple leafs is my exBPD favourite team.

I think the name "XXXX XX" he/she picked for the facebook person has something to do with the guy my exBPD was seeing.  I brought this up to exBPD tonight.  Initially she denied it continually, and then changed her tune that she was "talking to someone". She wont tell me the guys name, because I am pretty sure it will tip me off that this message Facebook name has something to do with the guy she was seeing. In my view, an emotional affair is just as serious as the other.  Because of the message I have reason to be believe it was the other.

I truly wish I found it in January, as I have been emotionally/physically been trying to make things work, even just as friends.  I always felt she just moved back to get her finances in order, just to move out again. My exBPD has moved most of her stuff out 3 weeks ago, and pretty much left me high and dry for any answers to why she left.  Now I know why.  AND so happy for this person sent me this message.

Initially I wanted to know who/what/when/where, but I have realized those answers dont matter.  I know she was unfaithful and that all that matters.  I am so glad to have that TOXIC relationship out of my life.  Of course before this message came out, she she wanted to ALWAYS be my friend because I was such a good guy... .blah blah blah... .  I can't be a friend to someone that has lied through her teeth for so long.  I had the gut feeling awhile back and asked her continually if there was someone else, in which she would reply she was 100% committed. I am thankful no kids are involved.

As soon as I buy her out of the house, I will be deleting her on facebook, AND OUT OF MY LIFE.  No kids=have a nice life!

[jhkbuzz]

YES! The truth has finally come out. Coming clean with the truth will hurt her more than me.

So, I was going through my facebook messages and noticed this "other" selection for messages.  I guess when someone isn't facebook friends with you, this is where the messages go. Did not notice it until today because of being in the "other" folder.

I received the following message January 9th this year.  Fitting, as you all aware in November 2014 is when exBPD "disconnected".

This is the message.

You need to know that your wife has not been faithful to you. She has cheated several times with somebody that we work with.

I'm just telling you because I would want to know. I think you should talk to her about it and hopefully she will be honest with you.

Take care

The person that sent it name is "XXXX XX".  I think he/she set up this anonymous account just to send me the message.  Funny though as he/she picked the toronto maple leafs as "likes" and other things to show to tip me off that this was not spam and definitely new my wife. The Toronto Maple leafs is my exBPD favourite team.

I think the name "XXXX XX" he/she picked for the facebook person has something to do with the guy my exBPD was seeing.  I brought this up to exBPD tonight.  Initially she denied it continually, and then changed her tune that she was "talking to someone". She wont tell me the guys name, because I am pretty sure it will tip me off that this message Facebook name has something to do with the guy she was seeing. In my view, an emotional affair is just as serious as the other.  Because of the message I have reason to be believe it was the other.

I truly wish I found it in January, as I have been emotionally/physically been trying to make things work, even just as friends.  I always felt she just moved back to get her finances in order, just to move out again. My exBPD has moved most of her stuff out 3 weeks ago, and pretty much left me high and dry for any answers to why she left.  Now I know why.  AND so happy for this person sent me this message.

Initially I wanted to know who/what/when/where, but I have realized those answers dont matter.  I know she was unfaithful and that all that matters.  I am so glad to have that TOXIC relationship out of my life.  Of course before this message came out, she she wanted to ALWAYS be my friend because I was such a good guy... .blah blah blah... .  I can't be a friend to someone that has lied through her teeth for so long.  I had the gut feeling awhile back and asked her continually if there was someone else, in which she would reply she was 100% committed. I am thankful no kids are involved.

As soon as I buy her out of the house, I will be deleting her on facebook, AND OUT OF MY LIFE.  No kids=have a nice life!

Wow, that's quite a story.  I'm glad the message has given you some sense of closure. How are you feeling?

[peacefulmind]

YES! The truth has finally come out. Coming clean with the truth will hurt her more than me.

So, I was going through my facebook messages and noticed this "other" selection for messages.  I guess when someone isn't facebook friends with you, this is where the messages go. Did not notice it until today because of being in the "other" folder.

I received the following message January 9th this year.  Fitting, as you all aware in November 2014 is when exBPD "disconnected".

This is the message.

You need to know that your wife has not been faithful to you. She has cheated several times with somebody that we work with.

I'm just telling you because I would want to know. I think you should talk to her about it and hopefully she will be honest with you.

Take care

The person that sent it name is "XXXX XX".  I think he/she set up this anonymous account just to send me the message.  Funny though as he/she picked the toronto maple leafs as "likes" and other things to show to tip me off that this was not spam and definitely new my wife. The Toronto Maple leafs is my exBPD favourite team.

I think the name "XXXX XX" he/she picked for the facebook person has something to do with the guy my exBPD was seeing.  I brought this up to exBPD tonight.  Initially she denied it continually, and then changed her tune that she was "talking to someone". She wont tell me the guys name, because I am pretty sure it will tip me off that this message Facebook name has something to do with the guy she was seeing. In my view, an emotional affair is just as serious as the other.  Because of the message I have reason to be believe it was the other.

I truly wish I found it in January, as I have been emotionally/physically been trying to make things work, even just as friends.  I always felt she just moved back to get her finances in order, just to move out again. My exBPD has moved most of her stuff out 3 weeks ago, and pretty much left me high and dry for any answers to why she left.  Now I know why.  AND so happy for this person sent me this message.

Initially I wanted to know who/what/when/where, but I have realized those answers dont matter.  I know she was unfaithful and that all that matters.  I am so glad to have that TOXIC relationship out of my life.  Of course before this message came out, she she wanted to ALWAYS be my friend because I was such a good guy... .blah blah blah... .  I can't be a friend to someone that has lied through her teeth for so long.  I had the gut feeling awhile back and asked her continually if there was someone else, in which she would reply she was 100% committed. I am thankful no kids are involved.

As soon as I buy her out of the house, I will be deleting her on facebook, AND OUT OF MY LIFE.  No kids=have a nice life!

I'm happy for you that no other ties than your house is still connecting your ex and you. This is a crazy story. I agree that emotional affairs are just as bad as physical ones (something I think my ex-BPD never fully understood... .). I don't want to make it about me, but for some odd reason, I wish I could get this kind of closure, someone telling me that my ex-BPD had been cheating on me (I still only have speculations which I do believe are quite true... .) and gain closure that way through. I still only have speculations to work off of, and that's far worse than actual proof :/

I hope your recovery will speed up because of the closure you have gained from this. All the best to you!

[Ren12]

YES! The truth has finally come out. Coming clean with the truth will hurt her more than me.

So, I was going through my facebook messages and noticed this "other" selection for messages.  I guess when someone isn't facebook friends with you, this is where the messages go. Did not notice it until today because of being in the "other" folder.

I received the following message January 9th this year.  Fitting, as you all aware in November 2014 is when exBPD "disconnected".

This is the message.

You need to know that your wife has not been faithful to you. She has cheated several times with somebody that we work with.

I'm just telling you because I would want to know. I think you should talk to her about it and hopefully she will be honest with you.

Take care

The person that sent it name is "XXXX XX".  I think he/she set up this anonymous account just to send me the message.  Funny though as he/she picked the toronto maple leafs as "likes" and other things to show to tip me off that this was not spam and definitely new my wife. The Toronto Maple leafs is my exBPD favourite team.

I think the name "XXXX XX" he/she picked for the facebook person has something to do with the guy my exBPD was seeing.  I brought this up to exBPD tonight.  Initially she denied it continually, and then changed her tune that she was "talking to someone". She wont tell me the guys name, because I am pretty sure it will tip me off that this message Facebook name has something to do with the guy she was seeing. In my view, an emotional affair is just as serious as the other.  Because of the message I have reason to be believe it was the other.

I truly wish I found it in January, as I have been emotionally/physically been trying to make things work, even just as friends.  I always felt she just moved back to get her finances in order, just to move out again. My exBPD has moved most of her stuff out 3 weeks ago, and pretty much left me high and dry for any answers to why she left.  Now I know why.  AND so happy for this person sent me this message.

Initially I wanted to know who/what/when/where, but I have realized those answers dont matter.  I know she was unfaithful and that all that matters.  I am so glad to have that TOXIC relationship out of my life.  Of course before this message came out, she she wanted to ALWAYS be my friend because I was such a good guy... .blah blah blah... .  I can't be a friend to someone that has lied through her teeth for so long.  I had the gut feeling awhile back and asked her continually if there was someone else, in which she would reply she was 100% committed. I am thankful no kids are involved.

As soon as I buy her out of the house, I will be deleting her on facebook, AND OUT OF MY LIFE.  No kids=have a nice life!

I'm happy for you that no other ties than your house is still connecting your ex and you. This is a crazy story. I agree that emotional affairs are just as bad as physical ones (something I think my ex-BPD never fully understood... .). I don't want to make it about me, but for some odd reason, I wish I could get this kind of closure, someone telling me that my ex-BPD had been cheating on me (I still only have speculations which I do believe are quite true... .) and gain closure that way through. I still only have speculations to work off of, and that's far worse than actual proof :/

I hope your recovery will speed up because of the closure you have gained from this. All the best to you!

Peacefulmind, Thank you for the kind words. Didnt think it was that crazy of story, but for the last 8 hours she has trying to convince me otherwise.  I hope we all get the closure. I am so thankful for the guy that sent the message.  If I ever find out who sent the message, I definitely show him/her my gratitude.  She has been the victim card between our mutual friends and her family.  I sent the message to her family I am close with.  She is their problem now.  I have shed enough hair/tears for this girl.  GUT FEELING is sometimes all we have. She always told me I was crazy to bring up that there was someone else with just with a gut feeling.  BE TRUE TO THAT FEELING.  Do what you have to do for YOURSELF. 

[Irish Pride]

I finally just asked texted her, "have you lost all emotion? Not sure I can be friends with someone so numb".  Her reply,"I have a black heart".

This hits home hard, as it was one of the bigger    I should've have seen. I mean, how could she have been more obvious? I've mentioned it before, in other threads, but my BPDx loves the color black. Her hair is black, her car is black, most of her clothes are black, her furniture, etc. So, I asked about it once. Once. Her response? "It's because I have a black heart". She later changed it to "it just matches everything", but I think that was in response to my initial reaction to her comment.

Bloody hell. Just reading the rest of you having similar experiences/dialogue runs shivers down my spine.   

[Ren12]

Man oh man.  How is it that my exBPD can convince all her family that she did not cheat, and that the message sent to me about her infidelity was bogus?

Been limited contact with her since last Monday.  On that Monday she texted me and lost her chit because she heard through a mutual friend that I told them she cheated on me.  Anyways, had to contact her today to figure out some finance stuff.  

I get a message back... .

"I am leaving the Country next week, going to Mexico with my Dad. He needed a vacation and paid for me to come. I will be returning on May 30. I will make the transfer while I am there as I will have wifi.

I  hope you are doing well. Take Care."

I can't believe it. Dadio is taking her on a paid vacation.  must be nice.  Sad thing is her Dad knows of the infidelity message I received, but exBPD convinced (I have no idea how) that it was bogus. I lived with her, and with how she disconnected, there is no doubt in my mind that she cheated.  She still denies it continually.  It is truly is a slap in my face that she continues to treat me like a fool.

CRAZY, CRAZY.  So glad when everything gets finalized.  I deleted her and all off her family off of facebook.  I want no triggers, nor want anything to do with them in the future.

I think she is looking for a reaction from me.  Instead I just replied, "Okay.".  haha, I wonder if that reply is going to tear her up inside... .

[apollotech]

"You need yourself a good girl that can provide you with the emotional AND sexual connect. I can't. I don't know why, but I can't."

Ren12,

I am sorry that you are going through all of this. I have been there; I understand/know your pain.

I think her statement, posted above, is a very lucid and truthful confession from her. She does not understand what drives her behavior; it just is. I don't say that to excuse her behavior, but rather to free you from it. Her behavior had nothing to do with you, nor her to a large extent. As she is, she will not be able to supply the next man with an "emotional and sexual connection." Nor the next. Her disorder has her trapped in a cycle of destruction.

I will caution you on attempting to intentionally hurt her. You always have to live with yourself. Always keep yourself in check; extend compassion, even where/when it is not warranted. That will reward you. She has chosen her destructive path, you do not have to follow. (She has experienced enough hurt, and her disorder guarantees that more hurt will come her way. BPD punishes its victims, the pwBPD, quite well.)

[Trog]

Urgh Ren

That's terrible behaviour and I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Amazing that someone had the courage to let you know about this though most people don't involve themselves in such domestics but BPD people often rub people up the wrong way and make a few enemies along the way. In any case, I'm glad you can take this as a positive that shows you that you were wasting your energy and this is a line you wont accept being crossed. It often takes infidelity (more so than physical and mental abuse) for guys especially to realise they are worth more than the relationship offers and until that confirmation comes we often do everything we can to save our marriages.

You are 100% correct in your summation that with no kids and a short marriage, you've dodged a bullet.

[Ren12]

Urgh Ren

That's terrible behaviour and I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Amazing that someone had the courage to let you know about this though most people don't involve themselves in such domestics but BPD people often rub people up the wrong way and make a few enemies along the way. In any case, I'm glad you can take this as a positive that shows you that you were wasting your energy and this is a line you wont accept being crossed. It often takes infidelity (more so than physical and mental abuse) for guys especially to realise they are worth more than the relationship offers and until that confirmation comes we often do everything we can to save our marriages.

You are 100% correct in your summation that with no kids and a short marriage, you've dodged a bullet.

Trog, thanks for that.  Make total sense.  She keeps telling me that the message is bogus, but she must of rubbed someone the wrong way for them to tell me the truth. She also had the below to say in her breakup email.  What I find weird is she wants me to "mentally" support her, but why would I want to support someone that sucks the life out of me.  What are your thoughts?


"Again, this is me expressing to you what I am seeing and feeling. You said to me the other day, that if you love someone set them free. I believe if I set you free, you are going to beat what you are battling. I want us to both be happy, and I truly think that will happen if we move on. What I would ultimately really love, if we are both in the right state of mind, is doing that and still be able to support one another, not financially obviously, but mentally. I will be here for you for WHATEVER you need forever! You are a HUGE part of my life, and a truly great human being. I am just not your person. You have a great support in your family, who I was really uncomfortable around last weekend. I don't know if that will be able to change.

You need yourself a good girl that can provide you with the emotional AND sexual connect. I can't. I don't know why, but I can't.

Sorry this is through email, but I can't seem to put the right words together when we speak in person, and I wanted to make sure that it came across the way I truly feel."

[once removed]

ren12,

its not central to your post, but i hope it helps the wondering, if it helps.

seems to me the contact about her cheating is fairly simple.

a. it was she

b. it was the person she cheated with

c: its a person she told about the cheating

i dont think any of that takes away from the pain, but if i put myself in your shoes, id sure wanta know, and i wouldnt feel very comfortable being told by a stranger  

did you/are you going to reply?

edit: d: it was a person related to the person she cheated with who found out.

[Trog]

Unsure what to think of it other than she is asking you to move on and telling you she can't give you what you need. Whether that means she cheated, I don't really know but if you truly want to you could try replying in the same vain and asking her that you agree to move on but would appreciate the truth. Not sure you'll get it as she seems to want your support, BPD do like to keep hangers on and orbiters for the next recycle. Personally I'd tell her to eff off.

What support do you imagine you'd get from a BPD person? Look at your relationship as evenly as you can - was it fair, was she doing as much for you as you for her, was she interested in you, was she supportive, how does she make you feel, good or bad. Some of us have been in these relationships so long we don't even know how we feel!

[Ren12]

First off, I would like to thank all of you for the responses and support.  The forum has been so valuable with understanding my exBPD.  There has been one quote that keeps resonating with me "It had more to do with the disorder, than it ever was about me".

I have received validation from my exBPD that she did cheat and with who.  As much work it took to get the truth, I now feel it might of been better just to let things be.  The house has been signed over solely into my name.  The only next step is the divorce. 5 years of being with this girl and a year of marriage will soon be over. I realized she mirrored me in every every way and we really don't share a lot of the same beliefs.  From this point forward, I am going to be NC instead of limited contact.  The below email I wrote to myself.  I know if I sent it to her, it would be too hard for her to deal with.  I am sharing it with you all as reading emails such as this helped me immensely.  

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As suspected all my gut feelings have been validated that the disconnection between us was because of another guy.  I think this has more to deal with what is going on with you than it ever had anything to do with me. I have never once called you crazy or any of that.  I have always said if only you could figure out your irrational anger problem, our relations would be perfect.  I now realize in that sense I cant have a perfect life with you even as friends.  You are always going to rationalize things differently than I do, and because of that the anger and the stress you inflict in my life will always be there.  :)ysfunction will continue until you get help.  I have realized, that your view in me changed and I can't do anything about that.  What I can do is distance myself from your dysfunction.  I have done that and it will continue. A lot of my stress health issues I am dealing with are because of you. As I said countless times, the most stress I have ever felt in my life was when you invalidated our love with all your hurtful words.  When I started to see Jill (phytotherapist) , I was 168lbs (down 25 lbs), alopecia, syst behind the right ear, tinnitus, not sleeping, stressed beyond belief. Now that you are gone out of my life the syst is gone, tinnitus is gone, my hair is growing back, and I am sleeping better.  Like they say  "you really find out about a person when the chips are down".  

I am sorry for adding to the dysfunction.  It is only now I realize your disorder, and I am learning how to deal when you have a push/pull episode.  You know the effects our relationship had on me, including the cheating, lieing, and deceit.  I am able to forgive you for that as I feel that had much to do with with your disorder than anything about me.  I have learnt a lot from our relationship.  I hope you have too and get the help you need before you take someone in your life and introduce them to the dysfunction.

If I continue to have you in my life, I am sure I would be dealing with the same health effects that now inflict your Dad after 20 years of living with your BPD Mother.  As you know, you Dad has been medicated heavily for extreme anxiety, depression, and whatever else.  Even though you Mom cheated on you dad 3 years ago and how hard it has been for your dad dealing with that, it will be best that your Dad can get away from the dysfunction your Mom inflicted on him.  You always said you grew up in a different household than I did.  Yours was not loving, not understanding, and dysfunctional.  I now know the effects growing up in a household like that can have on a persons upbringing.  I am so glad we did not have kids for their sake.  

I will always love you for who you were in the good times.  

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