Why do members blame themselves for a failed relationship with a BPD ex

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I find it very disturbing when I read posts of self critics ... .

Most of us people on this forum are genuine great hearted folks .

Ok now ,we fell in love with the wrong person that's it ... .

As the Turks say "you can't choose who you fall in love with " right ?

Don't be hard on yourself like BPD are ... .

You yield in a relation with fantasy empowered people a choice that you latter sunk in it ,, self destruction isn't the solution .

You are nothing but a good human been  with high level of emotions what is wrong with that ?

Do not destroy yourself , keep doing what you did before you needed an alignment and you got it after the B/U Keep your chin up !

God is watching you ... .

[guy4caligirl]

I find it very disturbing when I read posts of self critics ... .

Most of us people on this forum are genuine great hearted folks .

Ok now ,we fell in love with the wrong person that's it ... .

As the Turks say "you can't choose who you fall in love with " right ?

Don't be hard on yourself like BPD are ... .

You yield in a relation with fantasy empowered people a choice that you latter sunk in it ,, self destruction isn't the solution .

You are nothing but a good human been  with high level of emotions what is wrong with that ?

Do not destroy yourself , keep doing what you did before you needed an alignment and you got it after the B/U Keep your chin up !

God is watching you ... .

[Vatz]

Well, I for one am not a "good human being." I'm just as capable of scheming, lying and even violence. Im also pretty selfish. However, I do think overall I'm an okay guy. Not good, not great, not compassionate or saintly. Just an okay sort.

I think part of the self blame might be because when folks like "us" get into relationships a and when bad things happen we go to behaviors we developed as a kids or something. Lots codependents on here (from what I've read, don't quote me on that though) and the very nature of such a personality tends towards people-pleasing and lack of boundaries. Its ingrained somehow. Naturally a people pleaser will ask "how have I failed you?" In order to answer "why aren't you doing as I hoped you would." I think. Could be wrong.

I can't answer for anyone but myself. I self-blamed because I was always taught that anything bad happens to you is your own fault. You're weak, stupid or what have you then you've deserved anything and everything  that goes wrong. Not sure anymore if this was something that happened to me or if its my leaning to a more Darwinian philosophy that I rely on. Chicken or the egg. That sort of thing.

So yeah.

[Blimblam]

Guy because that is scape goating our exs. 

Sure it's attractive to get behind notions like we're all good people that just had something done to us. But if you really look at what you propose your attempting to get validation to not examine yourself critically and reinforce the self image of this "good guy," implying your ex is the bad guy.  That's indicitive of splitting behavior so in reality this image of the "good guy," you would like to see yourself as is dependent on contrasting it to an inferior "other," in this case most likely your.ex but that position is interchangeable  because it's more of just a structure really.  So your self image requires to view  an other as inferior and is thus an extension of your own identity, that you have merely split black but that's your own shadow. 

Your essentially hiding yourself from yourself in the other.

How is that different than how our BPD ex split usa black to maintain a positive self image then seeked out enablers to reinforce that self image?

[Mutt]

You are nothing but a good human been  with high level of emotions what is wrong with that ?

Hi guy4caligirl,  

I think you're trying to help.

I also think Blimblam has a good point.

There are two sides to a medallion.

There's good and bad and I think life is somewhere in the middle.

I think I blamed myself because of my own compartment and I was trying to "fix" and a lot of the frustration I felt in the r/s was because of my behavior and not my exes.

I found it helped me by identifying and owning my part.

A r/s takes two.

[cosmonaut]

I do sort of agree with you, guy.  Self flagellation isn't productive, and we can sometimes fall into that here.  Self examination is critical, but I am of the opinion that there is no need for blame on either side.  Chances are no one entered the relationship in bad faith.  Our exes initially wanted things to work with all of their heart.  They were overjoyed that they had found the "love of their life", "their soulmate", the person who would finally complete them and soothe them.  It really was all of their dreams come true.  And we had a similar experience.  We had found someone who seemed to love us so completely, to really see us, who thought so highly of us they idolized us.  Initially, it did seem like the most perfect and wonderful relationship imaginable.  And if it hadn't been so disordered underneath, it really would have been an ideal, blissful relationship.  Everyone dreams of finding such love.  I can't see the need for blame there.

Sure, perhaps we ignored some red flags, but that's nothing to be ashamed about.  No one is perfect, and we all have to overlook faults in someone to love them.  Our exes were no different.  We saw the good in them (and there was good).  They are people like anyone else, and they have their wonderful and most endearing qualities just as anyone.  In fact, their childlike qualities can bring out an intensely parental sort of unconditional love.

So, I do agree with you that blame isn't needed, and really isn't healthy here.  What matters is healing.  And that does require some introspection, but not blame.  We can find love in our hearts for both ourselves and our exes.   

[guy4caligirl]

I am by far , "the perfect guy "

Relationships are based on two people as in our case , I blame myself of course , I like the dialogue to be two opinions merging together at a certain time .

Logic is based on  having a clear thinking , when your illness make you distorted , there no logic and no fear of the consequences ... .

I blame myself of course ,but I am not going to drag my person down , I move on and understand my self in a deeper way .

I am succeeding in getting out with a lesson learned , will they ? 

But again I am responsible for my actions .

Who am I to judge others for theirs ... .

There are so many options opinions out there , the proof that we are not judging is because we think we could have done better understanding the illness but often we get on this forum and it's too late .

I could have done better ... .

But I got to move on, I have to not wanting to ... .

[billypilgrim]

My 2 cents?  We're conditioned to take responsibility.  Who did your ex blame for everything during the course of the relationship?  Who was always expected to make things better? Or change in order to appease?  Whose fault was it that the relationship ended?  Odds are you answered "me" to everyone of those.  Because that's what you were told.  And for whatever reason, we (at least I did) let our ex's dictate far too much of our self worth.  So to me, it's only natural that we blame ourselves over and over again.  Especially if you are like me in that your ex specifically blamed you.  And wrote you a list of reasons as to why she left.  But that's BPD.  

Now that conditioning could be limited to just the relationship or it can speak to more of what's going on under our own hoods.  I think that varies by person rather than being the same for all of us nons.  For me, I was predisposed to a lot of NPD/BPD behaviors from very early on so my frame of reference for what is normal fits hand in hand with my ex and BPD.  And that's what I'm learning how to recognize in my personal behaviors and going forward.  :)oes that mean I hold myself accountable for making her leave?  Or do I believe all those things she said about me?  :)oes that mean I equate myself to being on the emotional and mental level of someone that suffers from BPD?  Absolutely not.  BPD is responsible for most of that.  I played the part of the enabling rescuer.

[Blimblam]

Guy

I'm sorry if I came across as harsh!

Your Putin your self out there and asking questions tryin to understand and that takes courage!  I really think that it is natural to split our partners when we are in such extreme pain as we are to experience anger but the splitting mechenism utilized in that process becomes a self limiting structure that we can easily get swept up in when it is validated.  In a way when we see how it could happen to us it can be a source for empathy on how our exs can get caught up in that as well.  We saw how readily people came out to validate it!

Really though all of that story of you and your ex blah blah is a naritive, your not that narrative.

Feel the emotions they are real and valid and a vital part of your experience but the narrative they often attach to is not what happened and it's not the emotions it's just a narrative and narratives come and go like fads.

[DyingLove]

I'm lonely. I miss sex.  I miss tenderness and a fragrant smelling female in my arms.  I miss the family that I was promised. I feel that I lost 4 great years of my life.  I miss Florida it's beautiful weather and the "prospects" I had for being in a new place. I miss togetherness and sweet words that warmed my soul. I miss a lot of things that have been stripped from me because of the BPD exgf.  (this is partial for brevity sake)

BUT

If a wonderful woman walked into my life right now, displayed her ability to love me for who I am, was honest and sincere, looks not mattering too much, physical shape not mattering too much either... .if this happened, I do NOT think I would be suffering too much following this.  Oh I'm sure it would pop in my head often, but the pain would have been like applying a topical pain killer to a burn.  I'm being totally honest here.  I'm not speculating on if the ex came back under my terms... .I'm 99.99% sure this wouldn't and couldn't happen with her.  She's made my life hell when I was "inside the box" and she's destroying me from "outside the box" (after breakup.)  I deserve to be happy with someone.  So does anyone.  If you aren't ready, that's fine.  I find that if the right person waltzes into my life... .BINGO!  (by the way, I would not be any less than honest with them... .I'm not a sc*mbag in the least, I'm just wanting to be me again... .and I am a good devoted man)

So I guess having something to take the place of the ex would make things happy right now.

[guy4caligirl]

I'm lonely. I miss sex.  I miss tenderness and a fragrant smelling female in my arms



Aren't we all missing that for sure ... . I wonder sometimes it could happen again , but when ?... .

[DyingLove]

I'm lonely. I miss sex.  I miss tenderness and a fragrant smelling female in my arms



Aren't we all missing that for sure ... . I wonder sometimes it could happen again , but when ?... .

AMEN!

[Blimblam]

I'm lonely. I miss sex.  I miss tenderness and a fragrant smelling female in my arms



Aren't we all missing that for sure ... . I wonder sometimes it could happen again , but when ?... .

AMEN!

Lol.  When we make that stuffh e object of our desire we put it on a pedestal as somthing unobtainable.  Images come to mind of chasing one of those carrots that are always out of reach.  That's the thing though let's say that is what you desire and then that happens it won't satisfy at least not for long because that narrative is just a story attached to a void within you that can't be filled externally or materially.  That's the illusion that some sort of external thing will complete us when the reality is we are whole and complete right now.

[DyingLove]

I'm lonely. I miss sex.  I miss tenderness and a fragrant smelling female in my arms



Aren't we all missing that for sure ... . I wonder sometimes it could happen again , but when ?... .

AMEN!

Lol.  When we make that stuffh e object of our desire we put it on a pedestal as somthing unobtainable.  Images come to mind of chasing one of those carrots that are always out of reach.  That's the thing though let's say that is what you desire and then that happens it won't satisfy at least not for long because that narrative is just a story attached to a void within you that can't be filled externally or materially.  That's the illusion that some sort of external thing will complete us when the reality is we are whole and complete right now.

Nicely worded Blimblam, but I still want some "loving" while I am waiting to heal.  LOL  Nothing wrong with that!

[Blimblam]

I'm lonely. I miss sex.  I miss tenderness and a fragrant smelling female in my arms



Aren't we all missing that for sure ... . I wonder sometimes it could happen again , but when ?... .

AMEN!

Lol.  When we make that stuffh e object of our desire we put it on a pedestal as somthing unobtainable.  Images come to mind of chasing one of those carrots that are always out of reach.  That's the thing though let's say that is what you desire and then that happens it won't satisfy at least not for long because that narrative is just a story attached to a void within you that can't be filled externally or materially.  That's the illusion that some sort of external thing will complete us when the reality is we are whole and complete right now.

Nicely worded Blimblam, but I still want some "loving" while I am waiting to heal.  LOL  Nothing wrong with that!

I like your avatar!  Let's use that illustrate.   That whole in the heart is like out goodness and vulnerablity that is wrapped in shame them split off and projected into the idea of this other that we percieve as inferior.  That's what the void is!  It's not missing at all we just have split it black and projected into the "other." The other is our missing parts! They were never missing!

[hope2727]

I do sort of agree with you, guy.  Self flagellation isn't productive, and we can sometimes fall into that here.  Self examination is critical, but I am of the opinion that there is no need for blame on either side.  Chances are no one entered the relationship in bad faith.  Our exes initially wanted things to work with all of their heart.  They were overjoyed that they had found the "love of their life", "their soulmate", the person who would finally complete them and soothe them.  It really was all of their dreams come true.  And we had a similar experience.  We had found someone who seemed to love us so completely, to really see us, who thought so highly of us they idolized us.  Initially, it did seem like the most perfect and wonderful relationship imaginable.  And if it hadn't been so disordered underneath, it really would have been an ideal, blissful relationship.  Everyone dreams of finding such love.  I can't see the need for blame there.

Sure, perhaps we ignored some red flags, but that's nothing to be ashamed about.  No one is perfect, and we all have to overlook faults in someone to love them.  Our exes were no different.  We saw the good in them (and there was good).  They are people like anyone else, and they have their wonderful and most endearing qualities just as anyone.  In fact, their childlike qualities can bring out an intensely parental sort of unconditional love.

So, I do agree with you that blame isn't needed, and really isn't healthy here.  What matters is healing.  And that does require some introspection, but not blame.  We can find love in our hearts for both ourselves and our exes.   

Such a lovey way to articulate it. My counsellor told me I just loved unconditionally blemishes and all. He also said the length of time to detach is proportionate to the depth of commitment. Food for thought.

[Pingo]

Just a thought... . if we blame ourselves, take responsibility for the failure of our r/s, doesn't that give us some kind of control? We had no control over how our pwBPD behaved, we couldn't control them leaving (for those whose exes left). At least if we blame ourselves we have something we can fix. Something to work on. A project. Codependents love projects! Also perhaps a way of avoiding the full experience of our grief?

[Blimblam]

Just a thought... . if we blame ourselves, take responsibility for the failure of our r/s, doesn't that give us some kind of control? We had no control over how our pwBPD behaved, we couldn't control them leaving (for those whose exes left). At least if we blame ourselves we have something we can fix. Something to work on. A project. Codependents love projects! Also perhaps a way of avoiding the full experience of our grief?

Lol brilliant.

Yea

[sbr1050]

I'm lonely. I miss sex.  I miss tenderness and a fragrant smelling female in my arms.  I miss the family that I was promised. I feel that I lost 4 great years of my life.  




I gave up 18 years of my life for this man.  I raised his children. I gave up my job (without any financial or emotional support from him) to help take care of his children.  I went along with things because he otherwise made me feel like it was my fault if things weren't going right in the r/s. I gave up the best years of my life. I was physically abused.  I was emotionally abused.  I dealt with his rages.  My family dealt with his hysteria. I dealt with his throwing and smashing things.  I dealt with his stalking when I tried to end things with him (and took him back after he wore me down, convinced that he was telling the truth when he said he loved me and didn't want to live without me). I accepted his volatile mood swings - having me on pedestal one minute, the next minute telling me I am dirt and no one will ever love me.  I allowed him to tell me I wanted too much out of life - that my goals were too big for my business, my life. I accepted feeding and clothing him for years, rarely getting any sort of thank you.   I accepted him bashing me for taking my 87 year old neighbor shopping each week. I accepted no emotional or financial support. I accepted always thinking of him but never the other way around.  I accepted having to defend any improvement or repair or purchase I made for my business or property.  I accepted being told to shut my ___ing mouth when his children acted out towards me. I accepted him teaching his children to disrespect me.  I dealt with waking up in the middle of the night to see him staring at me and asking, "Where is our relationship going? Why don't you love me more?" I accepted him telling me he didn't want a partner he had to support.  I passed by opportunities for meeting someone truly right for me, without the mind games. I gave up having a baby when I could have.  I even let him convince me to look into the possibility of having a child with him, visited doctors, etc and then, when I was excited about moving forward with it, he pulled the rug out from under me and said, "You don't love me enough and I don't think I want to have a baby with you".  I denied all the signs that he was having an emotional relationship with a 23 year old (he is 62).  The list goes on!

Yes, I blame myself.  I blame myself for being so blind and stupid.  I blame myself for trying to fix something that was not fixable.  I blame myself for not listening to friends that told me to get out.  I blame myself for throwing away the best years of my life.  I blame myself that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life. Men don't want a 46 year old - if they do, chances are they come with a whole set of baggage or issues of their own.   I blame myself that I am in the position that I have to start over, looking for someone new, at 46. I am finding that dating is brutal at this age. I trying but the reality of it is depressing.   I blame myself for still loving him, even after everything.  I blame myself for missing all the good times.  I blame myself for not being able to "get over it".  I blame myself for letting him affect my life, every day. I blame myself for not being able to be a part of his life anymore.  I blame myself that he feels indifferent to me and wants nothing to do with me anymore now that he is off with his 23 year old.  I blame myself for sneaking around town, trying to avoid seeing him with her or running into them.  I blame myself for wishing him to go thru the same kind of pain I am going thru. I blame myself for being jealous that he takes his 23 year old on trips, buys her a new vehicle, giving her a career - all the things he wouldn't do for me. I blame myself for the sadness and guilt I feel for his grown children having to have a father that is behaving like a 12 year old.  I blame myself for even wanting him back.   I blame myself for talking friends ears off about him.

Yes, I blame myself.  I just don't know how NOT to blame myself... .

[sbr1050]

I gave up 18 years of my life for this man.  I raised his children. I gave up my job (without any financial or emotional support from him) to help take care of his children.  I went along with things because he otherwise made me feel like it was my fault if things weren't going right in the r/s. I gave up the best years of my life. I was physically abused.  I was emotionally abused.  I dealt with his rages.  My family dealt with his hysteria. I dealt with his throwing and smashing things.  I dealt with his stalking when I tried to end things with him (and took him back after he wore me down, convinced that he was telling the truth when he said he loved me and didn't want to live without me). I accepted his volatile mood swings - having me on pedestal one minute, the next minute telling me I am dirt and no one will ever love me.  I allowed him to tell me I wanted too much out of life - that my goals were too big for my business, my life. I accepted feeding and clothing him for years, rarely getting any sort of thank you.   I accepted him bashing me for taking my 87 year old neighbor shopping each week. I accepted no emotional or financial support. I accepted always thinking of him but never the other way around.  I accepted having to defend any improvement or repair or purchase I made for my business or property.  I accepted being told to shut my  please read               |ing mouth when his children acted out towards me. I accepted him teaching his children to disrespect me.  I dealt with waking up in the middle of the night to see him staring at me and asking, "Where is our relationship going? Why don't you love me more?" I accepted him telling me he didn't want a partner he had to support.  I passed by opportunities for meeting someone truly right for me, without the mind games. I gave up having a baby when I could have.  I even let him convince me to look into the possibility of having a child with him, visited doctors, etc and then, when I was excited about moving forward with it, he pulled the rug out from under me and said, "You don't love me enough and I don't think I want to have a baby with you".  I denied all the signs that he was having an emotional relationship with a 23 year old (he is 62).  The list goes on!

Yes, I blame myself.  I blame myself for being so blind and stupid.  I blame myself for trying to fix something that was not fixable.  I blame myself for not listening to friends that told me to get out.  I blame myself for throwing away the best years of my life.  I blame myself that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life. Men don't want a 46 year old - if they do, chances are they come with a whole set of baggage or issues of their own.   I blame myself that I am in the position that I have to start over, looking for someone new, at 46. I am finding that dating is brutal at this age. I trying but the reality of it is depressing.   I blame myself for still loving him, even after everything.  I blame myself for missing all the good times.  I blame myself for not being able to "get over it".  I blame myself for letting him affect my life, every day. I blame myself for not being able to be a part of his life anymore.  I blame myself that he feels indifferent to me and wants nothing to do with me anymore now that he is off with his 23 year old.  I blame myself for sneaking around town, trying to avoid seeing him with her or running into them.  I blame myself for wishing him to go thru the same kind of pain I am going thru. I blame myself for being jealous that he takes his 23 year old on trips, buys her a new vehicle, giving her a career - all the things he wouldn't do for me. I blame myself for the sadness and guilt I feel for his grown children having to have a father that is behaving like a 12 year old.  I blame myself for even wanting him back.   I blame myself for talking friends ears off about him.

Yes, I blame myself.  I just don't know how NOT to blame myself... .

[going places]

I find it very disturbing when I read posts of self critics ... .

Most of us people on this forum are genuine great hearted folks .

Ok now ,we fell in love with the wrong person that's it ... .

As the Turks say "you can't choose who you fall in love with " right ?

Don't be hard on yourself like BPD are ... .

You yield in a relation with fantasy empowered people a choice that you latter sunk in it ,, self destruction isn't the solution .

You are nothing but a good human been  with high level of emotions what is wrong with that ?

Do not destroy yourself , keep doing what you did before you needed an alignment and you got it after the B/U Keep your chin up !

God is watching you ... .

Thank you for encouraging words.

This is truth.

[going places]

I gave up 18 years of my life for this man.  I raised his children. I gave up my job (without any financial or emotional support from him) to help take care of his children.  I went along with things because he otherwise made me feel like it was my fault if things weren't going right in the r/s. I gave up the best years of my life. I was physically abused.  I was emotionally abused.  I dealt with his rages.  My family dealt with his hysteria. I dealt with his throwing and smashing things.  I dealt with his stalking when I tried to end things with him (and took him back after he wore me down, convinced that he was telling the truth when he said he loved me and didn't want to live without me). I accepted his volatile mood swings - having me on pedestal one minute, the next minute telling me I am dirt and no one will ever love me.  I allowed him to tell me I wanted too much out of life - that my goals were too big for my business, my life. I accepted feeding and clothing him for years, rarely getting any sort of thank you.   I accepted him bashing me for taking my 87 year old neighbor shopping each week. I accepted no emotional or financial support. I accepted always thinking of him but never the other way around.  I accepted having to defend any improvement or repair or purchase I made for my business or property.  I accepted being told to shut my  please reading mouth when his children acted out towards me. I accepted him teaching his children to disrespect me.  I dealt with waking up in the middle of the night to see him staring at me and asking, "Where is our relationship going? Why don't you love me more?" I accepted him telling me he didn't want a partner he had to support.  I passed by opportunities for meeting someone truly right for me, without the mind games. I gave up having a baby when I could have.  I even let him convince me to look into the possibility of having a child with him, visited doctors, etc and then, when I was excited about moving forward with it, he pulled the rug out from under me and said, "You don't love me enough and I don't think I want to have a baby with you".  I denied all the signs that he was having an emotional relationship with a 23 year old (he is 62).  The list goes on!

Yes, I blame myself.  I blame myself for being so blind and stupid.

Abuse, warps the mind; tricks the mind and the heart... .it wears the soul thin.

Do not blame yourself. He is the monster. Not you.

I blame myself for trying to fix something that was not fixable.

You tried, he didn't. That shows you have a genuine, good heart. Nothing negative about that.

I blame myself for not listening to friends that told me to get out.

Abuse twists the mind. Abusers know that... .this is not a YOU problem.

I blame myself for throwing away the best years of my life. 

My dad always said, life doesn't begin until 50.

Thank goodness I am rid of my "dead weight" before 50... .cause I am ready to live!

I blame myself that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life. Men don't want a 46 year old - if they do, chances are they come with a whole set of baggage or issues of their own.   I blame myself that I am in the position that I have to start over, looking for someone new, at 46.

I am a few years north of you, and said the exact same thing.

I came to the conclusion that I don't NEED a man, (I would like to have someone by my side, true) and I will heal ME FIRST.

I am moving 5 states away, and I will become a business owner and a home owner.

If I find a man (or he finds me) along the way? Great. I see that as a bonus.

I am finding that dating is brutal at this age. I trying but the reality of it is depressing

I am 10 months post divorce and not only have I NOT dated, I am not looking.

I have too much work to do on ME first.

I blame myself for still loving him, even after everything.  I blame myself for missing all the good times.

I no longer "love" my ex. Because of "everything".

I do not miss the 'good times' because they were all lies. Smoke and mirrors.

I do not look into the past anymore. It's like walking into a port-o-potty at a race track, on race day and looking down the hole.

Nothing good.

 

I blame myself for not being able to "get over it".  I blame myself for letting him affect my life, every day. I blame myself for not being able to be a part of his life anymore.

Time.

Rewallpapering your mind.

When negative intrustive thoughts enter, kick them out, and replace them with new, positive thoughts.

Prayer.

 

I blame myself that he feels indifferent to me and wants nothing to do with me anymore now that he is off with his 23 year old.  I blame myself for sneaking around town, trying to avoid seeing him with her or running into them.  I blame myself for wishing him to go thru the same kind of pain I am going thru. I blame myself for being jealous that he takes his 23 year old on trips, buys her a new vehicle, giving her a career - all the things he wouldn't do for me. I blame myself for the sadness and guilt I feel for his grown children having to have a father that is behaving like a 12 year old.  I blame myself for even wanting him back.   I blame myself for talking friends ears off about him.

None of this, is your fault.

HE is the deviet.

HE is the fool.

HE is the one making an ass out of himself.

Not you.

google "abuse advocate __________" your city and state.

They are free.

Please, go see someone... .they were a God-send to me.

Yes, I blame myself.  I just don't know how NOT to blame myself... .

See an advocate.

They have SO many resources to help you.

I would have died without their help.

After 25 years of abuse, it's not going to just 'go away' over night.

You have unlearn that behavior, and learn new, healthy behavior.

It's not you baby... .it's not. I promise.

[Copperfox]

Just a thought... . if we blame ourselves, take responsibility for the failure of our r/s, doesn't that give us some kind of control? We had no control over how our pwBPD behaved, we couldn't control them leaving (for those whose exes left). At least if we blame ourselves we have something we can fix. Something to work on. A project. Codependents love projects! Also perhaps a way of avoiding the full experience of our grief?

At the same time, there's a fine line between taking the blame and taking responsibility.

Perhaps looking inward, that introspection, is our way of taking control of the things we can change. We can choose to be victims, or we can choose to become better versions of ourselves as a result of the trials and tribulations we experience.

The impediment to action advances action. That which is in the way becomes the way. - Marcus Aurelius

[shatterd]

it takes two, if however u know whats going on, of course most of us had no clue our partners were like that right? Im sure some did, however dont kid urself here, were all open, we all mistakes true.  Point being mine new she had this as a child, her whole family knew, think they ever said anything to me? hell noo. The way they think is, well thats his problem now, asss! Anyways in my situation, yes there all are bad people and need to burn in hell. AIDS, hmm now adays if u know u have it and dont tell thats a big crime, so i understand fully some points here, we simply didnt know and we got screwd b4 we had a shot at it.

[fromheeltoheal]

I've seen two primary patterns play out here: some folks blame their ex entirely initially, and some folks blame themselves entirely initially, neither of which is accurate, but they're both motivated by the heightened emotions of the breakup.  And it usually changes.  Someone who's angry is going to blame the ex, someone who's depressed is going to blame themselves, and each of us can flip-flop depending were we are in detachment; I did both extremes and everywhere in between.  And of course, if we've been blamed for everything for a while by someone who is using blame to off their own stuff, and we bought into it partly because we're wired that way and partly because we were trying to make it work, we have programmed ourselves to go there, and that doesn't feel good, so we flop entirely the other way for a while.  Whew!  Exhausting.

And after a while, if we're healing well, we come to realize we made our mistakes, we weren't perfect by any stretch, we find we can own our stuff without the guilt or blame, accept it, learn and grow.  And forgive ourselves.  Accepting responsibility for our behavior is valuable and healing, getting stuck short of acceptance hurts, and ultimately it's a choice.