Beyond confused and reaching the end of the rope

[lostandunsure]

OK, so I have a tendency to come in here, vent for a bit and then leave for a while, sorry about that. Probably not the best use of this resource. When things are good, they are good, when things are bad, they are horrible. I should probably hang around more, part of me is worried that she'll catch me reading here, which when I first found this, it caused a significant argument until I could get her to see that this was a resource to help me, but I still worry.

Right now, we seem to be stuck in the horrible phase and I don't know what it'll take to get out of it.

My wife is the pwBPD, she is trying, I know she is, it's just incredibly difficult for her.

So, some background, sorry, it's pretty long... . We bought a house 5 years ago, it's a large victorian that is technically a duplex. Originally, we bought it with the intention of her using the lower portion for a home business. Months after moving in, before she could really get setup, she had a complete breakdown and her symptoms (which were never good to start with) got even worse, to where she started self harming on a regular basis... . The home business never got started, we changed plans and she now has use of the lower level to use as an art studio or whatever she wants... . Which right now means and really for the last 5 years, she doesn't use it.

So now, we have an expensive house, no extra income, large heating costs and the maintenance and expense of a large, very old house that needs extensive work. So we've been talking about selling it. This has meant getting estimates for a new roof, chimney repairs, interviewing realtors to find out if we can even cover closing costs, etc... . i.e. a lot of stress.

This has not been good. Her symptoms have gotten worse, again. She is in treatment, DBT with what I feel is one of the best offices in the area for that. She is learning skills, and tries to apply them, but often gets so willful and angry that she simply can not do them. If I make suggestions for skills, that only makes things worse, as from her perspective, I'm not listening, I'm trying to "fix" things. I get that, I do, so I try to stick to validation, which works with varying results, more often than not, bad ones.

For a while, during her first year of DBT, I thought things were going well. Then we hit winter, it's been downhill since then. She blames herself for buying the house and putting us into a difficult financial situation. She frequently calls herself stupid and lazy, judgements flying everywhere and willfully won't use her skills to get out of her head. I have a running list of things that I can't say because they trigger judgements for her (these are things like "Have a nice day", that sets off "an unfair expectation of what she should be doing", or "What can we do to help" because, there is no "we" in this, I can't even ask what I can do because then I'm "micromanaging" her)

I validate as much as I can, using SET and other tools, but she gets so stuck. When it builds to anger it feels downright abusive. I have been hit, had horrible things said to me, been blamed for things I wasn't present for and had anger directed at me for things that other people have done.

I know this is an illness, I really don't blame her. I do blame the BPD, and I try to keep that in mind, but I honestly don't know how much more I can take (and I pray she doesn't read this). I'm seeing a therapist myself, and right now we're taking things on a "Just get her to her next appointment" basis.

I'm just tired of being the punching bag. I'm tired of having to censor everything I say, being blamed for everything, including her emotions, never knowing day to day how to respond to things. I'm just tired.

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[waverider]

Sad to hear this is wearing you down.

Going through treatment can be hard as they are under pressure not to use their old methods of coping whilst new methods are yet to be established. So everything they do seems like it is wrong and subject to criticism for them. Not getting better immediately can also feels like they never will, so its seems pointless.

My partner is at the stage she wants to go to courses, but always runs as it is all "too hard' with a long list of excuses, so I know the feeling of just preying they hang in there.

You are right suggesting what they should do is fraught with danger. Best just to keep reminding her what she has done and how far she has come.

Has she done much work on boundaries? This is where you need to establish yours about getting a break from being dumped on. That was my biggest turning point when we established that sometimes I need a break so that I dont get angry and then end up getting snappy and frustrated. ie making it about me having issues that would end up affecting her, without focusing on it being her causing it.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in their progress we forget about ours.

Hang in there, you are half way up the mountain don't loose perspective

Waverider

[lostandunsure]

Thanks for the reply.

I do try to remind her of how far she has come, somehow she turns it into a judgement and invalidates herself ("I'm just lazy"... . "I should be doing better" etc.) I try to remind her that she's trying to overcome 40+ years of bad coping mechanisms, sometimes it helps.

I do try to work on boundaries. It's really hard for her when I do though. She's terrified that I'm going to leave her or that something could happen with me. Boundaries seem to trigger that type of response. So, I'm trying to do better with boundaries, but I never seem to be able to implement them in a way that doesn't cause them to immediately be tested or just trampled and forgotten.

[misuniadziubek]

OK, so I have a tendency to come in here, vent for a bit and then leave for a while, sorry about that. Probably not the best use of this resource. When things are good, they are good, when things are bad, they are horrible. I should probably hang around more, part of me is worried that she'll catch me reading here, which when I first found this, it caused a significant argument until I could get her to see that this was a resource to help me, but I still worry.

Right now, we seem to be stuck in the horrible phase and I don't know what it'll take to get out of it.

I know exactly how that is. Coming to rant when things are bad, leaving when things feel really awesome (for the moment).

I think that a lot of it has to do with needing the validation of our emotions, exhaustion, hopelessness which our partners are incapable of giving us.

Dealing with a pwBPD is EXHAUSTING at times.

But you know, that's okay. It's okay to run out of fuel, because you know, you're only human. You only have so much to give before you tear your own self to pieces.

Take a moment when you're at your wits end and ready to post on here and just observe how you feel. Observe your thoughts, observe your physical sensations, your heartbeat, your breathing. What's genuinely going on with you?

I used to that when my pwBPD was pushing me too hard with the blame and making me censor everything I say. He likes to provoke me. "No, tell me what you were about to say. Be terrible to me." I'd excuse myself to go to the bathroom and sit at the door or on the edge of the bathtub and just observe my emotional and physical reactions for about 10 minutes. It was just enough of a moment of recharging that once I came back into the room, I acted completely different. More patient, understanding, validating.

My wife is the pwBPD, she is trying, I know she is, it's just incredibly difficult for her.

How does it feel for you though? What is your perspective on your current life situation, needing to sell the house, how is your social life? Work?

I validate as much as I can, using SET and other tools, but she gets so stuck. When it builds to anger it feels downright abusive. I have been hit, had horrible things said to me, been blamed for things I wasn't present for and had anger directed at me for things that other people have done.

When validation doesn't work, you have to set boundaries instead. Try to avoid getting to the point where she becomes downright horrible to you, especially physical abuse. Tell her you have to leave for a moment to take a breather, calm down because -you- are having trouble having this conversation.

You shouldn't put up with so much abuse at a time. It's not good for your emotional health. Find ways to shorten the amount of time you spend being exposed to it.

Think of it like radiation. You can only be exposed to so much in so much time before it causes serious damage, and you need so much time to recover from each occurrence. I learned this the hard way. I thought that if I was strong enough, resilient enough I could handle his dysregulation over something I had no control over. So I let him  beat me up emotionally for hours until suddenly I found myself broken inside. The way you throw a clock against the floor and the hear the insides shatter. And then it didn't matter how nice he was to me. I was a shadow of myself and quite frankly, traumatised.

For a while, during her first year of DBT, I thought things were going well. Then we hit winter, it's been downhill since then. She blames herself for buying the house and putting us into a difficult financial situation. She frequently calls herself stupid and lazy, judgements flying everywhere and willfully won't use her skills to get out of her head. I have a running list of things that I can't say because they trigger judgments for her (these are things like "Have a nice day", that sets off "an unfair expectation of what she should be doing", or "What can we do to help" because, there is no "we" in this, I can't even ask what I can do because then I'm "micromanaging" her)

I don't have much experience in DBT yet, but here's a thought. Is it possible that the DBT exposed her to her negative thinking patterns and the irrationality behind her decisions and words and eventually it started to overwhelm her? Or the realisation that you aren't actually responsible for her negative emotions and thus she feels the need to distance herself from the relationship when she is actively trying to rewire her thoughts?

It's kind of like a push pull sort of mentality. I know that when I started doing an anxiety workshop for the first month things seemed to be going amazing but at some point all of these old triggers from my childhood started to pop up and I suddenly realised just how flawed and messed up I was. I became very resistant to the homework exercises and stopped sharing my experience because it was alienating to know that all of these things I'd considered as 'normal' all my life were just in my head and ridiculously irrational. I felt almost inferior to everyone else.


I'm sorry you are so tired. Take a breather. Take care of yourself. Things can always get better and sharing here you can know that you are never alone in your troubles.

[lostandunsure]

Thanks for the comments misuniadziubek, they are really helpful.

The validation of my emotions is something I need. My wife has tried, primarily when she started DBT, but she hasn't been able to get herself out of her own head long enough to do that for me.

You do have some good suggestions about trying to find the quiet moments, even if 10 minutes here or there. I do look for those and try to use them. I've been out of practice with it due to just being exhausted, but need to get back to it.

Honestly, on our situation, I haven't had a chance to really think about it. I'm so busy with just basic life skills (work, cooking, cleaning, etc) that I haven't had a chance to really do much about it.

I do like the radiation analogy, I'll have to keep that in mind.

[vortex of confusion]

My wife is the pwBPD, she is trying, I know she is, it's just incredibly difficult for her.

I wanted to pull this out and comment on it because this is an area of struggle for me. I know my husband is trying. I see him making improvements.

However, there are times when it feels like I have to invalidate my own frustrations and struggles in order to validate his. What you are struggling with is just as important. I have had people in real life invalidate my complaints and struggles with things like, "At least he is trying." Yes, he is trying. So am I. I am trying my butt off to make it through one more day without setting him off or saying something mean. I am trying really hard to be patient and see things through. I am trying really hard not to cuss him out or be mean to him. That is friggin' hard. And it is exhausting. I am human. You are human. Sometimes, it feels like too much.

When I feel like that, I can come here and find some validation and gain some strength to make it through another day.

[misuniadziubek]

My wife is the pwBPD, she is trying, I know she is, it's just incredibly difficult for her.

I wanted to pull this out and comment on it because this is an area of struggle for me. I know my husband is trying. I see him making improvements.

However, there are times when it feels like I have to invalidate my own frustrations and struggles in order to validate his. What you are struggling with is just as important. I have had people in real life invalidate my complaints and struggles with things like, "At least he is trying." Yes, he is trying. So am I. I am trying my butt off to make it through one more day without setting him off or saying something mean. I am trying really hard to be patient and see things through. I am trying really hard not to cuss him out or be mean to him. That is friggin' hard. And it is exhausting. I am human. You are human. Sometimes, it feels like too much.

When I feel like that, I can come here and find some validation and gain some strength to make it through another day.

This is so very true. It's why I also poked at this sentence, because I've acquired that mentality so many times before. I focus so much on how my SO is trying to improve the relationship that I undermine my own efforts. How many times have I suppressed the urge to literally kick my SO for raging at me and pushing me down with his criticisms. (How stupid do you have to be... . Etc) And yet... . I calm myself. Reframe the situation, realize that my SO is simply frustrated at the extra work they have to do and kicks himself down more with his internal thoughts than he could ever criticize me. And so I validate those feelings. How incredibly empathic and emotionally mature have I become in order to improve the relationship.

We are all fighting a difficult battle and sometimes giving yourself a pat on the back or getting recognition from people here is exactly what is needed to recover.

[waverider]

I do try to work on boundaries. It's really hard for her when I do though. She's terrified that I'm going to leave her or that something could happen with me. Boundaries seem to trigger that type of response. So, I'm trying to do better with boundaries, but I never seem to be able to implement them in a way that doesn't cause them to immediately be tested or just trampled and forgotten.

Unfortunately establishing the precedent to have boundaries in the first place is hard. There will always be drama, they will always be tested, and attempted to be trampled, otherwise they wouldn't be needed. They are yours to enforce, not hers to be remembered.

Hence you have to make sure you know the difference between boundaries and demands/agreements.

It does feel like playing a game of chicken at times.

[lostandunsure]

Thanks again everyone... . You've given me a lot to think about. I do need to watch that I don't invalidate my own efforts at trying to make things better. Lately things have just been exhausting, so getting some support has been invaluable. I have a feeling that I'll be hanging out here for a  while, even if it's just to read other people's posts and remind myself that I'm not alone in this boat.

I'll continue to work on my boundaries... . I think it's an area that I need to re-read up on and remind myself of how that's supposed to work.

There is good news, last night was better. She's had a lot of anger over not being able to just "solve" the problem of what to do with the house, she's impatient for answers (really likes to use active passivity). She's been very frustrated that there isn't an easy solution as to whether or not to move. After a long walk, lots of validation and reminders that we're trying very hard to not make emotional decisions, which got us into this, I think we have the first steps of a plan. I think, and I'll have a better idea over the next few days, that this helped to defuse some of her anger (some, I'm not naive enough to think that it's all gone) I know it's not over by a long shot, but it's a step in the right direction.