BPDSO keeps hanging up on me

[Loosestrife]

My BPDSO and I don't live together. No big rages for a bit. However,  if I say the slightest thing wrong on the phone shes hurt and hangs up in me. Sometimes I get a bit more time so I get to apologise and say there was no offence meant, but I still get the cold treatment regardless and she hangs up on me. If I try to resolve then she hangs up on me. I have explained that this is not acceptable in a relationship and it's hurtful too. Tonight is last time I want to be left with the knot in my stomach and that feeling of loneliness of having someone you love work against you and not with you on minor issues. if I apologise again I will look weak, like I'm saying I'm sorry I wasn't just a good passive partner whilst she basked in her hurting/sulking time over a tiny error in judgement I made. I've followed it up with a message saying that's the last time she hangs up on me, but how on earth do I reinforce that. I feel doomed and I only gave myself to blame. I'm so tired and fed up 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[misuniadziubek]

My BPDSO and I don't live together. No big rages for a bit. However,  if I say the slightest thing wrong on the phone shes hurt and hangs up in me. Sometimes I get a bit more time so I get to apologise and say there was no offence meant, but I still get the cold treatment regardless and she hangs up on me. If I try to resolve then she hangs up on me. I have explained that this is not acceptable in a relationship and it's hurtful too. Tonight is last time I want to be left with the knot in my stomach and that feeling of loneliness of having someone you love work against you and not with you on minor issues. if I apologise again I will look weak, like I'm saying I'm sorry I wasn't just a good passive partner whilst she basked in her hurting/sulking time over a tiny error in judgement I made. I've followed it up with a message saying that's the last time she hangs up on me, but how on earth do I reinforce that. I feel doomed and I only gave myself to blame. I'm so tired and fed up 

You simply don't talk on the phone anymore. It's one way to enforce the boundary. She can text you, email or face to face. But no more phonecalls unless she stops hanging up on you.

I've been there so many times in that situation. That horrible feeling at the pit of your stomach. That disconnect. It used to cause me panic attacks. For people who are often fearful of abandonment, they sure are very quick to abandon ship.

You don't deserve to be made to feel inferior or flawed like that. Her coping mechanism causes you pain.

[rg1976]

This same thing happens to me almost every conversation. Or used to, rather... .  Basically, that's just how she is. So, I don't care anymore. I know if she calls, I'm free to answer or not. Of course I answer because I want to hear her voice and let her talk about whatever it is she wants to talk about. If I say something "wrong" and she gets upset and hangs up, oh well, that's her problem, not mine.

I just don't care or let it bother me anymore.  I know it's not the last time me will talk and when I see hee again in person or the next conversation it won't matter.

Here's what I know: her maturity level is about that of a 3 year old. Sometimes it's cute, but usually not. I love her and accept that I'm just not going to get my emotional needs met by her, so... . I have other friends who I talk to about serious matters.

I accept that is what comes of a relationship with her... . she hangs up when she can't deal with whatever the subject matter is, or if she's upset. I don't apologize, or JADE... .

It is what it is... .   She has other qualities that I admire.  I can talk with other people on the phone.  Also, realize phone calls are time for her to relate to you by telling you whatever she wants... . allow her to connect and give her that time.  If the call isn't productive, just tell her that you're in the middle of something and that you need to go and you'll talk w her later.

If she gives you hell for not talking, just ignore it and change the subject.  If she really wants to have a discussion about it, then tell her how you feel once and leave it at that.  It won't change her behavior, so either take it or leave it.

Me, I take it, and it isn't a big deal.  I have learned that she can't remain calm and it is up to me to be the emotional stability.  So be in control of your emotions and don't let her little hang up fits phase you one bit.

Don't try to make things better or control their feelings. It's invalidating. Just let her be who she is and love her for who she is or not. If you can love her and tolerate it, then maybe she'll appreciate you, but that's doubtful too.

Do you want her to appreciate you? Sure. Do you need it? No, not if you are strong enough and detached enough to not care about her validation.

In all honesty, the most sad part about all of this is the best way to have a relationship with a BPD is to not have one at all. Just be there for her if you can be, but remained detached so as not to get hurt too badly.

Has that worked for me? Not really. I get my feelings hurt all of the time and I WANT her to be better/different, but I know she can't be, so I try to find the good in who she is and appreciate what she is able to give.

Good luck,

rg

[Loosestrife]

Thanks both, I'm sorry you have been through similar experiences. Your replies have made me feel calmer and a little more sane. I was going round in circles last night and didn't sleep. From 'I'm posting on a forum because my SO won't talk to me (What the heck)' ... .to... . crying myself to sleep. I really appreciate your support.

I got an email apology this morning, saying she's in T, she can't change over night and she understands if I don't want to be in her life. I'm not sure why it has to be so dramatically on or off all the time.

Rg1976 - you're right there is no compromise. The only way I can have a relationship is not to have one and just be there for her and get my emotional needs met elsewhere. I'm starting to go numb a bit which is helping the painful realisation that this is not sustainable for my long term health.

[daz_bpd]

The communication difficulties is exactly what I experience each day too. She can tell me she loves me and wants to be with me, and the next day without my knowledge I am blocked from all social media and I'v done something to hurt her, upset her and make her feel angry, or depressed.

Meanwhile, the problems in her life are ongoing. And yet she tells me how terrible my life is?

So many times she removes me from contacts, or blocks me YET she says I don't love her and i don't care, regardless of how much energy, money and time I've poured into our relationship.

[an0ught]

Hi Loosestrive,

as misuniadziubek said hanging up or walking out are coping mechanisms and actually often not the worst ones. We use them in boundaries too. Of course if they are used in a controlling manner that would suck.

It is natural to take this personally and particularly in a LDR this can trigger abandonment badly.

Hanging up and walking out should be exceptional but from what you tell it is quite common and your SO relies a lot on it to manage. Rather than trying to control what may be her safety valve would it be possible to find a structured way to recover from the hang-ups? Change from a "terminated" call to a call that is timed out for a pre-set time?

[misuniadziubek]

It is natural to take this personally and particularly in a LDR this can trigger abandonment badly.

Hanging up and walking out should be exceptional but from what you tell it is quite common and your SO relies a lot on it to manage. Rather than trying to control what may be her safety valve would it be possible to find a structured way to recover from the hang-ups? Change from a "terminated" call to a call that is timed out for a pre-set time?

This. So much of this. I have abandonment issues from losing my family structure at four years old and I'm very much aware of it. My reflex reaction every time my uBPDbf hung up (happened every phone call and Skype at one point) was pretty much panic and trying to call him back asap. I couldn't feel normal until he told me everything was okay. I would text too.

I changed my reaction in a way, only recently. He's the one who calls nowadays and Ill assume he's feeling lonely or wants to share something funny and I expect it's possible he might hang up at some point, angry or annoyed (ie. over me not hearing him properly) So I try to keep the phonecalls short and stay on for however long he wants.

My limit is if he hangs up, that's his choice. I don't try to call back, I don't text telling him im sorry or that I didn't mean what I said. He wants the communication to stop. It stops. I don't need to feel bad about it. I'm not to blame and have zero responsibility to him. 

My feelings and emotions are mine to deal with and if I need it, I can find validation somewhere else. Sometimes it feels like a slap to the face, especially when he's blocking me on social media, because it's how I send him funny pictures and videos to him and get updates on his life, but again. It's his decision. If that's what he needs to cope and not feel overwhelmed then so be it.

[Loosestrife]

Daz_BPD & Mizuniadziubek - I don't have the block issue really and I am able to repspect she doesn't want to talk so I don't keep ringing and I wait for her to come round.

[Loosestrife]

Hi Loosestrive,

as misuniadziubek said hanging up or walking out are coping mechanisms and actually often not the worst ones. We use them in boundaries too. Of course if they are used in a controlling manner that would suck.

It is natural to take this personally and particularly in a LDR this can trigger abandonment badly.

Hanging up and walking out should be exceptional but from what you tell it is quite common and your SO relies a lot on it to manage. Rather than trying to control what may be her safety valve would it be possible to find a structured way to recover from the hang-ups? Change from a "terminated" call to a call that is timed out for a pre-set time?

Thanks for this. Yes they are used as coping mechanisms and I agree they are not the worst ones.  I have Tried to discuss alternative strategies, time outs but she's not interested, She just says she's not in control of her behaviour and she can't be pressurised with a timescale... . The difficulty I have is I see her control it with other people. I'm thought long term therapy may improve things, but she says not. Unfortunately the hanging up /running away do automatically feel like control. They are a common occurrence. As for my reaction: I tend to respect that she doesn't want contact and give space until she comes round. I struggle with my feelings in the mean time as per original post.

I replied to her email today with SET. She phoned and said my text saying it was the last time I was going to be hung up on had put her in a bad place. She said the emotions cause her too much pain and she can't be in a relationship with me. I said I respect her decision and although it's not what I wanted, I wished her all the best. She asked me not to contact her again.

This evening she is now back tracking via text saying she was dumping me for my own good and it's not what she wants.

[misuniadziubek]

The difficulty I have is I see her control it with other people. I'm thought long term therapy may improve things, but she says not. Unfortunately the hanging up /running away do automatically feel like control. They are a common occurrence. As for my reaction: I tend to respect that she doesn't want contact and give space until she comes round. I struggle with my feelings in the mean time as per original post.

I replied to her email today with SET. She phoned and said my text saying it was the last time I was going to be hung up on had put her in a bad place. She said the emotions cause her too much pain and she can't be in a relationship with me. I said I respect her decision and although it's not what I wanted, I wished her all the best. She asked me not to contact her again.

This evening she is now back tracking via text saying she was dumping me for my own good and it's not what she wants.

It seems like she considers you far more important than she lets on and she doesn't want to lose you. She might be feeling like a burden because she can't control her behavior or guilt that you are feeling this way and hopeless to help stop it and so she overcompensates by trying to let you go 'selflessly'. Your follow up text message may have fed into those feelings because it's obvious you are upset with her.

I try to not message my SO right after he hangs up on me because I'm in that place of feeling abandoned and quite frankly angry and so nothing I say will be very productive. It's much more helpful to raise the issue when he is more stable and not dysregulating.

My SO is also pristine when it comes to interacting with other people. He can control himself, he has strict limits and boundaries, doesn't really act out. Their words or criticisms don't penetrate him as deeply as mine do. He can be indifferent to them. He can absolve the relationship if it no longer serves him. He can't do the same with me, as I am a person of importance in his life so his emotions are much more extreme around me. Absolving -our- relationship is a lot more painful a process. So he is much more likely to act out towards me. He can't maintain that same sense of control. He's often told me that he's much more vulnerable to the things that I say than if someone else said it.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's really frustrating and alienating... . Internet hugs

[Loosestrife]

Hi Mizuniadziubek

Thanks. She has said today she feels guilty and like a burden. You are right about not messaging straight after her hanging up on me, but it can be hard sometimes as I want to express my feelings. She also says my words hurt more than those of others. I just can't see how it can work out and I'm so tired of the emotional rollercoaater. Part of me thinks I should just walk away for both our sakes. I know  if I leave it too long to make contact again there is a risk i may not have a choice... .

[Michelle27]

I really have a hard time with my uBPDh being able to control impulses with others but not with me, so I understand how that can't help but be taken personally.  I haven't reached the point of being able to not take it personally.  It's just not "normal" for hanging up to be such a regular occurrence to only us.  Intellectually I understand why it happens to us and not others, but my heart has trouble with it.

[Jessica84]

My uBPDbf used to hang up on me... . A LOT. I used to get so upset. It's so rude and immature. I hated the abrupt endings and even worse, the angry follow-up texts. A few months ago after he hung up on me then started furiously texting, I asked him "why are we texting?" He replied he was too mad to talk. So I told him then you're too mad to text so I'm turning off my phone now.

Another time not long after when he was coming unglued at me on the phone, I finally stopped myself from JADEing long enough to say "I can see you are upset and about to hang up on me so why don't we talk later?" He swore he wasn't going to hang up and instantly calmed down. The tone of the conversation changed and we actually ended the call on a positive note.

I admit I don't understand many of the lessons on this board... . I screw up far more than I get right with the tools... . but somehow, someway, something worked... . because he hasn't hung up on me since... . and it's been a few months.

[Loosestrife]

Michelle27 - I can relate to the heart issue

Jessica84 - I could try this, it's hard when it's something I need to discuss. I have let so many small things go unresolved that I am starting to feel disconnected from reality  myself sometimes!

[Loosestrife]

Supposed to be going on holiday tomorrow. My gf still wants to go. Is it a really bad idea?

[an0ught]

Supposed to be going on holiday tomorrow. My gf still wants to go. Is it a really bad idea?

In my experience most holiday drama is focused before leaving. Once on the road there is enough excitement around to immediately forget about the anxiety before leaving.

[Loosestrife]

Supposed to be going on holiday tomorrow. My gf still wants to go. Is it a really bad idea?

In my experience most holiday drama is focused before leaving. Once on the road there is enough excitement around to immediately forget about the anxiety before leaving.

That's true. Will see how it goes