My ex is running away like a mouse from a cat

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi there,

The past 2 weeks I bumped into her a couple of times, and each time she ran away the moment she saw me. The last one was particulary funny because I was in a parking lot and getting out of my car. At this moment she entered the parking lot with her car and the minute she saw me, she turned her car back and drove away.

Sure I am the trigger but am I the devil? 

I just wanted to say that we should look in these situations with a smile and to know that is not about us, but about them. 

[lm911]

Hi there,

The past 2 weeks I bumped into her a couple of times, and each time she ran away the moment she saw me. The last one was particulary funny because I was in a parking lot and getting out of my car. At this moment she entered the parking lot with her car and the minute she saw me, she turned her car back and drove away.

Sure I am the trigger but am I the devil? 

I just wanted to say that we should look in these situations with a smile and to know that is not about us, but about them. 

[cosmonaut]

Nope, you're not the devil.  I think you nailed it: you're a trigger.  She just can't deal with you, because there is too much emotion and too much shame involved.  She feels overwhelmed by all of that pain and shame when she thinks of you, and so she is using all of her primitive coping mechanisms to try and wall herself off from it.  Including running away.

I'm sorry if you feel really hurt by that, but it's truly not your fault.  It's what the disorder does, and it has nothing to do with anything that you did.  It's not because you are some sort of awful person.  It's just the disorder.

[Heldfast]

Cosmonaut it right on this. Mine has moved cross country and even sought out a mutual friend when she saw on facebook that he was coming to Seattle. She texted and chatted in setting up their going out that night, right up until right before she saw him, at which point she couldn't handle it and made up some excuse about being sick and leaving right away. She just couldn't handle it. Whatever their internal chaos, the reminders of what they had and what they've done just overwhelm them and they can either break down, lash out or run. I hope you know it isn't anything to do with you or anything you've done, they're fragile people. Feel compassion for them, and walk tall knowing that you were a brief respite for them from the storm, but that you cannot beat that storm for them. Your goodness is what makes them run, so you must have been pretty good to her, sadly, that's the part they cannot hold onto.

[lm911]

Heldfast I agree with you. I stopped asking myself " was I good with her" long time ago. I think if I had cheated on her or, beaten her or did something nasty I would not be so black know.

[Susan Sunday]

Hi,

thank you all for sharing this!

I am kinda new on this side and am still amazed by how many of the experiences talked about here are similar to mine.

My ex bf is as well running away from me, after he broke up with me in an email, and since we are living on the same street he has to do so quite frequently... .even though I can laugh about it for its immaturity and cowardliness I am in the same time feeling insulted and it hurts me. And I am still asking myself from time to time what I could have done differently. But its true, it does not have anything to do with us doing something wrong. And I agree 100% with cosmonaut, the better we are, the stronger we have to be pushed away and feelings like guilt and shame are mounting up when ever we are around. My ex bf and I have been breaking up on quite a frequent basis in the past 1,5 years, but we have always talked when we've meet. Only now, that I have offered to be there for him while one of his parents is very sick and continued to do so even though he was continuously mean and distant, he had to completely invalidate me and now to run away from me... .So I guess there is a very obvious connection between being good and being pushed away very hard.

[Mutt]

Heldfast I agree with you. I stopped asking myself " was I good with her" long time ago. I think if I had cheated on her or, beaten her or did something nasty I would not be so black know.

Hi lm911,

I'm a trigger and a source of pain too with my uBPDex.

She accused me of most types of abuse imaginable.

I understand she projects.

I also understand she emotionally collapses if one is to remain in a role of persecutor for a length of time.

I was frustrated with her acting out and I repressed my feelings and would hold communication so I would not trigger her. I now I was also invalidating and was exasperated and would engage in conflict during her displays of disproportionate anger thinking that my voice would be heard.

It was the wounded and victimized child that emerged.

This excerpt from Tara Brach helped me understand my uBPDex, people and myself a little better.

Imagine you are walking through the woods and you see a small dog. You think the dog is cute and you approach the dog, wanting to pet it. It suddenly snarls and tries to bite you. The dog no longer seems cute and you may feel some fear and anger. As the wind blows, the leaves on the ground are carried away and you see the dog has one of its legs caught in a trap. Now, you feel compassion for the dog. You know it became aggressive because it is in pain and suffering

[Heldfast]

Ouch Mutt, that Tara Branch quote hit hard... .but it reminds me why I shouldn't lash out in anger. As much hurt or pain as I feel projected on me, it's just a moment in my lifetime, for her, it's her lifetime.

[lm911]

Thank you for the quote, Mutt.

I have also tried to explain myself better and etc, but I as you mentioned there is no closure. You can't explain something to somebody who does not want to listen and understand. Nothing happens by force, especially having a converasion and a relationship.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Heldfast I agree with you. I stopped asking myself " was I good with her" long time ago. I think if I had cheated on her or, beaten her or did something nasty I would not be so black know.

I just want to clarify because I don't know that I've actually considered this until now. Are you insinuating you can be painted black for actually caring and showing compassion? I have tried to pin point where and why my ex painted me black. I really did try and give her a fairy tale life. If what you are saying is true, then that would be my answer. I simply loved too much, too hard.

[FannyB]

You can never have closure if you try to view the pwBPD's actions in logical terms. That's the most confounding part. When you accept the disorder for what it is, it becomes easier over time. Also, if they weren't disordered I think most of us would never have been with them in the first place. If they weren't mentally ill one of the previous 20+ relationships would surely have resulted in a happy ending and we'd never have known them! 

[Heldfast]

Agent, let me be specific, the answer is yes. You are painted black because you were so good to them and they can't handle it. They feel like they can't keep the mask on, the emotional turmoil overwhelms them, they feel engulfed by that love, and like they're losing their identity, or that you'll see they have no core identity and abandon them. So they abandon you first. They run, but they want and need love or something to fill that emptiness, so they immediately seek a replacement. The better you are, the more you were loved, the blacker you are painted, the bigger a trigger you become. It isn't always perfectly scripted, but so much of the writing on this is pretty much like a script.

[lm911]

Heldfast I agree with you. I stopped asking myself " was I good with her" long time ago. I think if I had cheated on her or, beaten her or did something nasty I would not be so black know.

I just want to clarify because I don't know that I've actually considered this until now. Are you insinuating you can be painted black for actually caring and showing compassion? I have tried to pin point where and why my ex painted me black. I really did try and give her a fairy tale life. If what you are saying is true, then that would be my answer. I simply loved too much, too hard.

To be more correct we can substitute "good" with "love" and "closeness". The more you loved them and the closer you were with them - the bigger trigger.

You ex also felt closeness and love that is why she/he is triggered and had to sabotage and run away, in order to save his/her self.

[Lunira]

 

Does it really have to do with shame, or "how good" you were to them, or anything like that?   A great many people on this site have said their ex called them controlling, abusive, scary, or some combination of the above, and often on multiple occasions.   If that is truly their perspective, them fleeing makes perfect sense.  After all, wouldn't you run away from someone you saw as a control freak, an abuser, etc? 

[jhkbuzz]

Does it really have to do with shame, or "how good" you were to them, or anything like that?   A great many people on this site have said their ex called them controlling, abusive, scary, or some combination of the above, and often on multiple occasions.   If that is truly their perspective, them fleeing makes perfect sense.  After all, wouldn't you run away from someone you saw as a control freak, an abuser, etc?  

Mine called me "mean" (although, in an ironic twist, her therapist several years later told her that her behavior was mean).

She also thought I was controlling.  I would sometimes make mental lists of the ways that I wasn't controlling to help myself hold onto reality.

I say the following without malice; it's like they have an ancient script running through their heads.  We are one of the bit players that acts out this script with them.  We are assigned a role to play in the drama; it makes little difference if this role is actually who we are. It's who they see us as.

[cosmonaut]

Does it really have to do with shame, or "how good" you were to them, or anything like that?   A great many people on this site have said their ex called them controlling, abusive, scary, or some combination of the above, and often on multiple occasions.   If that is truly their perspective, them fleeing makes perfect sense.  After all, wouldn't you run away from someone you saw as a control freak, an abuser, etc? 

These are good questions, Lunira.  You are describing splitting, which is indeed a very primitive coping mechanism utilized by pwBPD when they are triggered.  That's what causes them to paint us black and think the absolute worst things about us.  It's also what helps them to put emotional distance between us and them - which is the real goal.  They are seeking to protect themselves from a raging storm of out of control emotion and shame.  But what causes it?  Emotional intimacy.

Emotional intimacy is what is so triggering for pwBPD.  pwBPD want and crave our love more than anything - they want us to love them, accept them, soothe them - indeed to "complete" them.  Unfortunately, they also have other aspects of the disorder that continually undermine this desire.  One of these fears is the fear of abandonment.  pwBPD are convinced that they are fundamentally broken, and that once their partners see how broken and defective they are they will be left.  This is why pwBPD are so hypervigilent to any sign of abandonment, no matter how slight or even just perceived.  You have probably noticed this in your ex.  pwBPD also experience something known as engulfment, which is a terrifying fear that they are being lost in someone else, that they are being swallowed up.  Both of these fears are very, very real for pwBPD, and both are experienced in close, intimate relationships.  It is this bouncing back and forth between these fears that leads to the classic push/pull dynamic of BPD.  The "come here, go away".  The more emotional intimacy there is, the more these fears are triggered.  Eventually it can get to the point that these emotions become so overwhelming that the pwPBD runs from the relationship entirely.  That's what I believe is happening with lm911's ex.

[shatterd]

well said fanny   master minipulaters 

[anxiety5]

Hi there,

The past 2 weeks I bumped into her a couple of times, and each time she ran away the moment she saw me. The last one was particulary funny because I was in a parking lot and getting out of my car. At this moment she entered the parking lot with her car and the minute she saw me, she turned her car back and drove away.

Sure I am the trigger but am I the devil? 

I just wanted to say that we should look in these situations with a smile and to know that is not about us, but about them. 

They are frauds. They operate in undercover mode all the time, and when she sees you, it's like she knows you have the x-ray glasses on that see right through her nonsense. That terrifies them.

I will say this, once we get a grip, grasp what happened, learn how malignant it is, separate ourselves a bit emotionally and finally leave and go NC, it's funny to me how their little punishing episodes of ignoring us or by pulling stunts like she's doing by seeing you and driving away, were all meant to hurt us before (and worked probably at one point)

Their self absorption is also their failure. They are so self absorbed, and grandiose that they think they are getting a good silent treatment in, or driving away from you and making you feel helpless when in fact they don't realize that we are healed now, and all they are doing is a favor by ensuring that we continue to get stronger and NEVER relapse. 

I used my shunning and cold shoulders to foster old friendships, and start rebuilding myself. She would sense my new confidence and shun me more and harder.  It's so funny and crazy. I played in a basketball league at the gym for 3 months 2 nights a week when she was "so busy and could not hang out" and to this day I don't even think she ever knew I was doing that ha ha ha. 

Pride... .it's their prop that holds them up. And it's also their fragile foundation that crumbles.

[Mutt]

They are so self absorbed, and grandiose that they think they are getting a good silent treatment in

Are you talking about Narcissists and the false self and grandiosity?

[anxiety5]

They are so self absorbed, and grandiose that they think they are getting a good silent treatment in

Are you talking about Narcissists and the false self and grandiosity?

I think sometimes people may step away from an argument when they realize it's not productive or if you can sense that both people are heated. Doing so, ultimately for positive reasons to engage after a cool down.

I think sometimes people may be at such a loss for something that happened that's so hurtful they may not answer calls or reply to texts, etc.

When I was in the hospital with my dad, and couldn't leave to go shopping with my ex, (not a very good reason to get upset) she would become distant, take hours in between texts to reply, turn her phone off so I couldn't reach her, be cold and distant for a day, or a weekend, or some irrational length of time. These silent treatments/cold shoulders had a "punitive" feel to them. I was being punished. She did it to alter my behavior. To keep me in a heightened state of anxiety by being afraid to ever not go along with whatever she was doing. And it worked for awhile until I got wise to it. 

See at first, I would pursue, try to figure out what was wrong, want to see her, and a lot of times I'd apologize for things I shouldn't have. She would end the cold shoulder swiftly. A sort of reward for acknowledging whatever perceived slight.

I stopped doing this and began using those moments of distance to re-establish old friendships, support networks, and detach.  And yes, I really believe my earlier reactions and how I fell for that, fed her grandiosity and she was too into herself to realize when my pattern changed. She felt she was getting me good. She had a haughtiness about her and she'd go cold shoulder.  Meanwhile I was using each moment to detach and I think she was too focused on the satisfaction of superiority and omnipetence she felt by controlling the flow of the next time we talked, hung out, etc, to even realize I was checking out because I caught onto her crap. 

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Agent, let me be specific, the answer is yes. You are painted black because you were so good to them and they can't handle it. They feel like they can't keep the mask on, the emotional turmoil overwhelms them, they feel engulfed by that love, and like they're losing their identity, or that you'll see they have no core identity and abandon them. So they abandon you first. They run, but they want and need love or something to fill that emptiness, so they immediately seek a replacement. The better you are, the more you were loved, the blacker you are painted, the bigger a trigger you become. It isn't always perfectly scripted, but so much of the writing on this is pretty much like a script.

  Thank you for the reply. I'm assuming that's why my ex and I have been going back and forth the past 7 months until about 3 weeks ago. She'd swing in, then she'd vanish. She'd swing in and say all these nice things, and then vanish.  In her own way, I know she feels bad for hurting me. I distinctly remember her saying towards the end of our relationship, "sometimes I don't feel like I can love you the way you deserve",  at the time I chalked it up to her depression and that she just needed some tlc. In reality, she was being sincere and honest.

    In conjunction with the thread, all of my exes past relationships (lengthy ones) ended with her moving to another state. When she was telling me about then it hadn't really dawned on me the pattern that she was tracing. Now that I am in the mix, it's just one more push pin on the map.  It's crazy how all of these red flags were right under my nose. Sometikes, often times, I have such a hard time grasping that. I'm an intelligent person, well, relatively . I just couldnt connect the dots.

[StrongDadOf2]

My STBXW has done this for years, and we're not even separated, yet!  Hilarious, but heart-wrenching, especially when she does this in front of the kids.

[cosmonaut]

Pride... .it's their prop that holds them up. And it's also their fragile foundation that crumbles.

I think Mutt may be right, anxiety, that what you are describing is more NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).  That may well be in line with what you experienced in your relationship, since it is not uncommon to have comorbidity between BPD and NPD.  Both are related in the same family of personality disorders (Cluster B).  What you are describing fits NPD well, and your ex may have had significant NPD traits.

Borderlines themselves, however, are not prideful.  They don't have a grandiose false self that must be maintained -  in fact, they don't have a fully developed self at all.  They are more characterized by feelings of emptiness, brokenness, and shame.  Their behaviors are extremely impulsive and driven by their out of control emotions - and shame is a fundamental aspect of that.  They are not running away as a way of exerting superiority, but as a desperate defense mechanisms against crushing degrees of shame and pain.  For pwBPD it is all about trying to get away from the trigger - trying to put up walls against their emotions.

[lm911]

Sadly, the trigger is the one who loves them and who can make them happy (if they can be happy at whole). It is just a tragedy for them, also for us because we love(d) them and we just can't do anything to make this whole trigger thing go away. The good is, we can find someone else who is not disordered.

[anxiety5]

Pride... .it's their prop that holds them up. And it's also their fragile foundation that crumbles.

I think Mutt may be right, anxiety, that what you are describing is more NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).  That may well be in line with what you experienced in your relationship, since it is not uncommon to have comorbidity between BPD and NPD.  Both are related in the same family of personality disorders (Cluster B).  What you are describing fits NPD well, and your ex may have had significant NPD traits.

Borderlines themselves, however, are not prideful.  They don't have a grandiose false self that must be maintained -  in fact, they don't have a fully developed self at all.  They are more characterized by feelings of emptiness, brokenness, and shame.  Their behaviors are extremely impulsive and driven by their out of control emotions - and shame is a fundamental aspect of that.  They are not running away as a way of exerting superiority, but as a desperate defense mechanisms against crushing degrees of shame and pain.  For pwBPD it is all about trying to get away from the trigger - trying to put up walls against their emotions.

Here is what happened in my relationship. And I've searched for information on this. She was HIGHLY BPD for the majority of our relationship. Eventually her broiling anxiety and break downs where she would hysterically cry and throw fits that scared the living day lights out of me were too much for even her.

She started taking anti depressants and anti anxiety medication. When this happened, it turned her into a Zombie. There was absolutely nothing there. She had zero emotions. They robbed them from her. This was a positive I guess, no more absurd melt downs. But her thought patterns were still there. They didn't somehow make her an effective problem solver or a person who was all the sudden kind. Her emotional chaos was gone, she stopped caring if anyone was there or not. That fear of abandonment was sort of numbed. And what remained after was a cold detached, calculated person.

It's like the drugs killed the BPD symptoms but just made her an American Psycho calm collected style narcissist.

[JRT]

I really appreciated this posting and thread... .it shed some light into my own situation with my ex fiance... .her reaction to attempted contact during the b/u or immediately afterwards were equally as extreme... .almost as if I was someone who was physically violent to her by default... .she had a lawyer friend sned a letter threatening a PPO against me if I tried to contact her ever again... .a couple of months later, thinking that she might have cooled down I attempted to contact her via phone and she filed a report with the local police! 

Finally, I attempted to return her belongings to her to the extent that she refused to even acknowledge the communication. Her sister, in the end, told me to throw the stuff out (much of it highly valuable).

I was amazed at the reaction to mere contact by someone with whom I treated extraordinarily well to the extent that I don't even recall any arguments or disagreements. Are such reactions truly THAT hysterical?

[anxiety5]

I really appreciated this posting and thread... .it shed some light into my own situation with my ex fiance... .her reaction to attempted contact during the b/u or immediately afterwards were equally as extreme... .almost as if I was someone who was physically violent to her by default... .she had a lawyer friend sned a letter threatening a PPO against me if I tried to contact her ever again... .a couple of months later, thinking that she might have cooled down I attempted to contact her via phone and she filed a report with the local police! 

Finally, I attempted to return her belongings to her to the extent that she refused to even acknowledge the communication. Her sister, in the end, told me to throw the stuff out (much of it highly valuable).

I was amazed at the reaction to mere contact by someone with whom I treated extraordinarily well to the extent that I don't even recall any arguments or disagreements. Are such reactions truly THAT hysterical?

The reason there is no introspection, the reason they manipulate or quit therapy, the reason they devalue before discarding is all self preservation. You can be in love with them, be 6 months into a relationship where you are convinced you met your other half, and when the first argument happens and you say something that is mildly critical of their behavior (perhaps even deserved) Can start this process. Rather than facing their behaviors that cause the destruction of relationships, they resort to turning the source of criticism into ruins. In that process the degradation of your character, deems you a low life and therefore any way you were hurt, you deserved. Any criticism you thrust, means nothing. Remember they are all about a false self. So that false self must explain why yet another relationship is failing. So, the easy solution is to rally the troops by labeling you as abusive and dangerous. This extrudes the greatest response from her "harem" of followers. Coworkers, family, friends, etc. They instinctively protect her, shield her, and render any previous hunches they may have had that she was the problem out the window. They see her as the victim and she eats up every moment.

Through the total eradication of your character they deflect the failure of the relationship on you. You are left carrying all their baggage, and in their delusional mind each and every incident where she was crazy and abusive is re-written in her mind under the new narrative that it was all your fault from day one.

As crazy as this sounds, don't take it personal. They are insane and in perpetual survival mode. Her emotions and inner world are so chaotic, that the end of relationships are like being on the deck of the Titanic to her. Imminent self annihilation. And she will do anything to get off that boat intact. Intact in this context means deflecting any accountability. It's totally insane to someone not crazy. That's why it's not even worth trying to comprehend. Just accept it. And realize like I did, that in all reality, she did me a favor by going silent in the end. She thought she was punishing me, but the real punishment was when she kept me hooked. By letting me go, she freed me. Even though it appears she freed herself, her inner soul is so wound up in negatives, that it will never be free.

[FannyB]

As crazy as this sounds, don't take it personal. They are insane and in perpetual survival mode. Her emotions and inner world are so chaotic, that the end of relationships are like being on the deck of the Titanic to her. Imminent self annihilation. And she will do anything to get off that boat intact. Intact in this context means deflecting any accountability. It's totally insane to someone not crazy. That's why it's not even worth trying to comprehend. Just accept it. And realize like I did, that in all reality, she did me a favor by going silent in the end. She thought she was punishing me, but the real punishment was when she kept me hooked. By letting me go, she freed me. Even though it appears she freed herself, her inner soul is so wound up in negatives, that it will never be free.

Brilliantly put, anxiety5 - their need to 'survive' overrules all other considerations.  I think mine has limited emotional 'reserves' to sustain her and the illusion of perfection she portrays to the outside world. Whenever she felt those reserves ebbing away it triggered a need to flee. Jobs, places, relationships - all would be sacrificed on the alter of her self-preservation. Ironically, she was only running away from herself... .

[ShadowIntheNight]

I really appreciated this posting and thread... .it shed some light into my own situation with my ex fiance... .her reaction to attempted contact during the b/u or immediately afterwards were equally as extreme... .almost as if I was someone who was physically violent to her by default... .she had a lawyer friend sned a letter threatening a PPO against me if I tried to contact her ever again... .a couple of months later, thinking that she might have cooled down I attempted to contact her via phone and she filed a report with the local police! 

Finally, I attempted to return her belongings to her to the extent that she refused to even acknowledge the communication. Her sister, in the end, told me to throw the stuff out (much of it highly valuable).

I was amazed at the reaction to mere contact by someone with whom I treated extraordinarily well to the extent that I don't even recall any arguments or disagreements. Are such reactions truly THAT hysterical?

The reason there is no introspection, the reason they manipulate or quit therapy, the reason they devalue before discarding is all self preservation. You can be in love with them, be 6 months into a relationship where you are convinced you met your other half, and when the first argument happens and you say something that is mildly critical of their behavior (perhaps even deserved) Can start this process. Rather than facing their behaviors that cause the destruction of relationships, they resort to turning the source of criticism into ruins. In that process the degradation of your character, deems you a low life and therefore any way you were hurt, you deserved. Any criticism you thrust, means nothing. Remember they are all about a false self. So that false self must explain why yet another relationship is failing. So, the easy solution is to rally the troops by labeling you as abusive and dangerous. This extrudes the greatest response from her "harem" of followers. Coworkers, family, friends, etc. They instinctively protect her, shield her, and render any previous hunches they may have had that she was the problem out the window. They see her as the victim and she eats up every moment.

Through the total eradication of your character they deflect the failure of the relationship on you. You are left carrying all their baggage, and in their delusional mind each and every incident where she was crazy and abusive is re-written in her mind under the new narrative that it was all your fault from day one.

As crazy as this sounds, don't take it personal. They are insane and in perpetual survival mode. Her emotions and inner world are so chaotic, that the end of relationships are like being on the deck of the Titanic to her. Imminent self annihilation. And she will do anything to get off that boat intact. Intact in this context means deflecting any accountability. It's totally insane to someone not crazy. That's why it's not even worth trying to comprehend. Just accept it. And realize like I did, that in all reality, she did me a favor by going silent in the end. She thought she was punishing me, but the real punishment was when she kept me hooked. By letting me go, she freed me. Even though it appears she freed herself, her inner soul is so wound up in negatives, that it will never be free.

I agree with this to an extent. Our SO's are people after all, and ur description is kind of textbook. However, having said that, I remember the first time my uBPDexgf became "disjointed" unhinged, however you would term it. I was sitting in the dining room reading and she just let off about how something should be. Her eyes were literally black with anger. I remember sitting there thinking this isn't about me, this is about something else. When she started hovering over me and saying "do you. Do you?" I recall saying well, no. But I didn't take it personal because we hadn't been together long enough for her to blame me for whatever she was feeling. And I knew not to argue with her, not because I was afraid, but because I knew she was experiencing something and I was sort of the person there she was taking her feelings out on.

I didn't think of her as being crazy or batty or anything like that. I just figured she had been repressed in certain areas of her life for so long that she needed to get those things out to feel better in our relationship. And frankly, she did.

That worked up until her mother started triggering her about 4 years ago and then I became my ex's problem after 9.5 years. That was the first time she really criticized me and seemed to blame me, and I mean really blame me for her life being the way it was. Her life was fine. It was how she felt inside that was screwed royally up. When she broke up with me in a note she put inside my birthday card and mailed to me, I finally realized there was,something very wrong with her. Talk about running like a mouse! A mouse has more guts than my ex.