I'm fearful off running into her

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi, I ended a relationship with my fiance 2.5 months ago. We were living together and we attend graduate school together, where we will be in the same classes for the next three years. I am struggling with regaining my sense of self and pulling my life back together while being anxious about what she will think of that. I have no doubts about leaving the relationship; it hollowed out my soul and I have a physical reaction to the mere thought of returning to it. But, I still think about her and the relationship multiple times a day. I'm eager to move on, but feel constrained by our continuing presence in one another's lives.

[WindReader]

Hi, I ended a relationship with my fiance 2.5 months ago. We were living together and we attend graduate school together, where we will be in the same classes for the next three years. I am struggling with regaining my sense of self and pulling my life back together while being anxious about what she will think of that. I have no doubts about leaving the relationship; it hollowed out my soul and I have a physical reaction to the mere thought of returning to it. But, I still think about her and the relationship multiple times a day. I'm eager to move on, but feel constrained by our continuing presence in one another's lives.

[Skip]

A bad relationship CAN hollow out our souls.  I can't tell you how many times I've read, "I'm a fraction of the man I used to be".  

There are a lot of folks here who can identify with having great anxiety about encountering the ex (after the breakup) and tell how they handled it.

[downwhim]

I get anxious just thinking about running into him. Why give him that power over me but I can't control how I feel.

[Reforming]

Hi Windreader  

Welcome to BPD Family - I'm really glad that you've found your way here. Well done for posting

"I ended a relationship with my fiance 2.5 months ago. We were living together and we attend graduate school together, where we will be in the same classes for the next three years. I am struggling with regaining my sense of self and pulling my life back together while being anxious about what she will think of that"

In the circumstances I think it's totally understandable to feel anxious and preoccupied with your ex.

"I still think about her and the relationship multiple times a day. I'm eager to move on, but feel constrained by our continuing presence in one another's lives."

I can totally appreciate that the idea of being around her on a regular basis feels very difficult.

Are ok to tell us little more about your relationship? It would help us understand your situation better so that we can guide you

Reforming

[jhkbuzz]

Hi, I ended a relationship with my fiance 2.5 months ago. We were living together and we attend graduate school together, where we will be in the same classes for the next three years. I am struggling with regaining my sense of self and pulling my life back together while being anxious about what she will think of that. I have no doubts about leaving the relationship; it hollowed out my soul and I have a physical reaction to the mere thought of returning to it. But, I still think about her and the relationship multiple times a day. I'm eager to move on, but feel constrained by our continuing presence in one another's lives.

Hi and welcome to the discussion board   

You seem to have a lot of clarity about your decision to leave the relationship - many people here struggle with that decision, but you seem to have worked that out for yourself.  Continuing to see her will be difficult, to be sure - especially as you're healing.  

Why are you anxious about how she will view your steps to "put your life back together"? Can you share a little bit more about why the relationship ended?

[cosmonaut]

Hey WindReader   

Let me join the crowd in saying

I'm really sorry to hear about the end of your relationship with your fiance.  The end of a relationship with a partner with BPD can be an extremely painful and difficult experience, no matter the reasons for ending.  For myself, it's been the hardest thing I've ever been through.  I think everyone here can understand and sympathize with that.

That's great that you are feeling eager to move on, and that you feel confident about your decision to leave.  That will help you as you heal from this relationship.  Can you tell us some more about how you feel like you lost yourself?  How do you feel that your life was taken off track by your relationship?  I think these are common feelings for those of us that have been in a BPD relationship, but I wonder what your individual experiences are.  If you feel like sharing, it might help us to better understand where you are coming from.

I can imagine that having continued contact with your ex can be very hard for you.  I don't personally have experience with that (my ex was the type who disappeared), but maybe some of the other members here on the Leaving Board can give you some good advice.  Some members here have children or other reasons that they are still in regular contact with their ex.  I'd recommend asking for advice on limited contact (LC).

It's very natural to undergo a very deep grieving and detachment period during the end of a relationship that includes BPD.  It will take time for that to run it's course, and 2.5 months is a relatively short amount of time.  It has been over a year for me, and while I have made significant improvement, I do still miss my ex very much.  Keep posting here, keep working on healing, and give it some time.  Healing will come.

[WindReader]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm very glad to have found this community of people who are struggling with similar challenges.

My relationship started out like others on this site -- everything was wonderful, exciting and perfect. I knew within months that I wanted to marry this woman. About 9 months ago, things started to head downhill. I kept having this nagging feeling that we weren't really partners, but that I had taken on a caretaker role. She had some extremely difficult circumstances when she was young that I had a hard time working through. I really wanted to, but I was also scared about merging my family with a family who had caused so much hurt in her life. Whenever we would talk about it, it always ended up with her criticizing me for having emotions about what had happened to her, and her saying that I was less than she thought that I was.

I thought getting engaged would calm the situation, but it didn't. One month after the engagement, she threatened to give the ring back because I wasn't planning the wedding right away. At this time, we had just started school, moved to a new city and were living together for the first time (something I'd never done). I had also just committed to a major career change, which I was doubting. She interpreted this doubt as doubt about my love for her. It was at this point that I realized that something was wrong. She was extremely dependent on me, but I depended on her for very little, and in fact she was causing me a lot of pain and stress. Two months after the engagement, she gave me the ring back, and then days later asked for it back, somehow making it my fault for her giving it back.

She scrutinized my love more and more, eventually demanding that I apologize for proposing to her, something I felt was akin to apologizing for loving to her. She would also belittle all of my gestures to her.

I had been seeing a psychiatrist and had been put on anti-depressants. Eventually, I felt that I could not tell or give her anything more to convince her that I loved her. I felt my very being sucked out of me to the point where every interaction was covered in anxiety that she would ask something of me that I could not give her.

I ended the relationship when I had literally nothing more to give to her. She always criticized my indecision, or as I see it, thoughtful deliberation of my decisions. This was a final decision, there was no going back. She thought I would come back, and she tried to pull me back through pregnancy scares, "not being able to go on anymore"s, and more or less forcing me to talk to her. I succumbed to these emergencies for a while, but I've gotten better at ignoring these efforts, though they still rattle me.

My psychiatrist has told me that I need no further therapy and that the best thing is to not analyze what happened and just move on with my life. I'm trying to do that, but I am worried about being "too happy" around her, lest that pushes her over the edge, a terrible outcome for her and something that would create fresh burdens for me. Our graduate program is very intense, and there is not much time for socializing outside of school, so I feel that it is inevitable that I might date a classmate while here. I'm worried about what that might put her through.

She has suffered a lot in this life. I've realized that I cannot deal with her suffering for her, but I also don't want to make it worse than it already is. She's told me that I hurt her more than anyone else in her life (which necessarily includes her abuser). I don't believe it, but that she feels that way sent me in a two day depression. I've not cried about her for coming on two weeks.

[Reforming]

Thanks for sharing your story Windreader,

It sounds like you've been through quite a lot over the last year.

"She has suffered a lot in this life. I've realized that I cannot deal with her suffering for her, but I also don't want to make it worse than it already is. She's told me that I hurt her more than anyone else in her life (which necessarily includes her abuser). I don't believe it, but that she feels that way sent me in a two day depression. I've not cried about her for coming on two weeks."



My ex has a history of childhood sexual abuse as well and at the end of our relationship she made a very similar remark about being hurt more by me that anyone else.

I know it isn't true, but I've found it very difficult to to handle at the time. I now think that she was overwhelmed by feelings of abandonment and rejection and that blaming and shaming me was her only way of coping.

You may already be exploring some of the resources on the site, but I think it's really worthwhile reading through the sections on healing and detaching

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331264#msg1331264

Lesson 1: Healing, the big picture

Lesson 2: Understanding your situation

Lesson 3: Tools  How do you detach and process the pain?

It's good that you've sought professional help. I'm sure your psychiatrist has your best interests at heart we all need time to grieve and process the end of a relationship so try to be gentle with yourself

What are you finding most difficult to process?

Reforming

[WindReader]

Thanks, Reforming. It's helpful to know that you also had your ex say that about you. Helpful links, too.

Right now, I'm just processing the reality that what I thought was perfect was in fact deeply flawed.

I'm working hard to carry on my life as if I weren't worried about her reaction to my choices and behavior. Going strong for now!

Nice to have this community of people to fall back on.

[shatterd]

windreader,  i had to face mine today in court over the kids, ya wow was that tuff,   u can try to stay focused on whats going on, and set a goal for urself about what you want from her, example if ur done then be done and stay done stay true to urself and stay true and strong to ur decesion. lots of support lots and lots of support  if u think u might encounter her someplace dont go alone for the first while. i have to tell myself, shes not guna eat you    this fear will pass myfreind. The pain will fade and the tears will dry. 


                   were your shoulder for you to cry

[Reforming]

Thanks, Reforming. It's helpful to know that you also had your ex say that about you. Helpful links, too.

Right now, I'm just processing the reality that what I thought was perfect was in fact deeply flawed.

I'm working hard to carry on my life as if I weren't worried about her reaction to my choices and behavior. Going strong for now!

Nice to have this community of people to fall back on.

No problem Windreader

"I'm working hard to carry on my life as if I weren't worried about her reaction to my choices and behavior. Going strong for now!"

Good for you - I'm really glad you're feeling better

"She has suffered a lot in this life. I've realized that I cannot deal with her suffering for her"

This is very mature and healthy conclusion.

I wish I'd had that awareness and maturity early on in my relationship.

We're here to listen and support you. Please keep posting.

Reforming

[WindReader]

Thanks, Shatterd. I can't imagine what you went through going to court over your children. I've been thinking a lot of your experience, and also your point that "she's not gunna eat me." I thought about that today when she tailed me out of class and then down the stairs, when she later appeared from no where after I went to the bathroom, and then again when she set up to study in the library about twenty feet away from me.

In the past, I would have ended up talking to her because I know she wants to when she appears like that, but today I managed to just smile as politely as I could and keep on going. Sometimes, I think: "you must just be paranoid about her being around all the time," but then -- as I write this now -- I realize that I didn't run into anyone else in my class that many times today. And, that my sightings of her during the day fluctuate considerably. I should point out that she has been respectful of NC for two weeks today, at least beyond the exchange of mail or polite smiles or sometimes a frown from her. It took some doing to get to this point, but I'm grateful she is giving me space now.

And, thanks again Reforming. I keep telling myself that I am where I need to be, and then make myself behave that way. Still working on getting the underlying emotions in check.

One thing that still nags me is the possibility that she does not have BPD or a variant, and so I ended the relationship for a problem we could have overcome. I was suffering a great deal by the end, which makes me believe that whatever was going on was just bad, whatever the cause.

When I come to bpdfamily, I am simultaneously relieved that I am not alone, but also guilty because it just seems so convenient to throw my troubles into the rubric of this disorder and be done with it. I know I had my delusions of being a white in shining armor for her, so I'm going to work on that going forward. I worry that I may be missing something deeper about myself, despite friends and family and my psychiatrist suggest that is not the case. I guess this is the doubt that got me into all of this!

[Deeno02]

I had to go 7 months without seeing her. Then my sons VB season started (she is his coach). Now I see her 2 to 3 times a week and its pretty damn rough. However, I maintain my composure, I have no interation with her or nor does she, make no eye contact and I root my son on during his games. If I have any emotions, and I have, I save it for the car ride home, otherwise, its just another day.

[Reforming]

Thanks for sharing again WindReader

"And, thanks again Reforming. I keep telling myself that I am where I need to be, and then make myself behave that way. Still working on getting the underlying emotions in check.

I know isn't easy, but it sounds like you're doing the right things

"One thing that still nags me is the possibility that she does not have BPD or a variant, and so I ended the relationship for a problem we could have overcome. I was suffering a great deal by the end, which makes me believe that whatever was going on was just bad, whatever the cause.

When I come to bpdfamily, I am simultaneously relieved that I am not alone, but also guilty because it just seems so convenient to throw my troubles into the rubric of this disorder and be done with it. I know I had my delusions of being a white in shining armor for her, so I'm going to work on that going forward. I worry that I may be missing something deeper about myself, despite friends and family and my psychiatrist suggest that is not the case. I guess this is the doubt that got me into all of this!"

I can totally relate to this

I still have times where I wonder whether diagnosing my ex as BPD is just a convenient way of shifting the blame for the failure of my relationship from her to me even though her behaviour, family history (CSA, never bonded with her mother who is Bipolar) all indicate that this is very likely.

I've asked myself how would it really change things if she was diagnosed with BPD? Would my situation be any different?

Diagnoses or undiagnosed I'm still be left trying to understand and take responsibility for my own choices and actions and it's hard.

I think blame is a very normal reaction in the aftermath of these relationships because of the hurt and anger, but in order to heal and move forward I've found it more helpful to try and focus on taking responsibility for my own behaviour.

This doesn't mean excusing or condoning hers - I don't but whether she's disordered or not her behaviour is her responsibility and not mine

As I said earlier the doubt is norman and healthy

Reforming