what i feel seven months out

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

1.) hurt that she has not tried to reengage at all and seems very happy with life without me was i that bad were we that bad am i so forgettable ?


2.) shame i feel like a failure if only , could have should have im not worthy of love

3.) emotionally numb when it comes to another r/s i don't think i can trust again

4.) hurt am i not the most amazing , handsome , intelligent , funny , sexy man she once used to tell me frequently

5.) i could have prevented this

6.) i miss and still love her

7.) anger

8.) she was my best friend and her very best friend i was always there for her how could she lie for so long and treat me like this ... .

so that's where my heads at  

[dobie]

1.) hurt that she has not tried to reengage at all and seems very happy with life without me was i that bad were we that bad am i so forgettable ?


2.) shame i feel like a failure if only , could have should have im not worthy of love

3.) emotionally numb when it comes to another r/s i don't think i can trust again

4.) hurt am i not the most amazing , handsome , intelligent , funny , sexy man she once used to tell me frequently

5.) i could have prevented this

6.) i miss and still love her

7.) anger

8.) she was my best friend and her very best friend i was always there for her how could she lie for so long and treat me like this ... .

so that's where my heads at  

[Reforming]

Hi Dobie,

I'm sorry that you're feeling a lot of pain right now. Everyone's recovery is different and we all time and space to grieve and heal.

"1.) hurt that she has not tried to reengage at all and seems very happy with life without me was i that bad were we that bad am i so forgettable ?"

I know that recycling might seem like proof that your ex loves and misses you, but a person with BPD usually recycles for other reasons and it rarely ends well for either them or the NON. In fact most members experience worse pain after a recycle.

Your ex might appear happy to you, and she might even be for now, but when someone has an untreated disorder sooner or later it is bound to impact on her relationship and her happiness. You know this because you seen at first hand

"2.) shame i feel like a failure if only , could have should have im not worthy of love"

There's nothing wrong with failing. Everybody fails and if we didn't we'd never learn and grow. Do you think you are being rather harsh on yourself? It's clear that you tried your best with the skills and knowledge you had and even if you made mistakes you are not solely responsible for the outcome. It's a loss that needs to be grieved, but you also have an opportunity to learn form the experience and grow.

BPD are riddled with shame and one of their coping mechanisms is to project it on to others - romantic partners are a common target. It's hard but it's important to try and shed their blame / shame. You are responsible for your own behaviour and choices, but not hers.

I've noticed that I feel shame when I'm harsh and punitive to myself. I've found that the best antidote to shame is to try and show myself compassion and kindness.

"3.) emotionally numb when it comes to another r/s i don't think i can trust again "

You've only just come out of long high conflict relationship. Is it surprising that you feel numb? Rebuilding trust in yourself takes time and effort. It's definitely possible, but be gentle with yourself and try and challenge your inner critic. You deserve compassion and kindness

"4.) hurt am i not the most amazing , handsome , intelligent , funny , sexy man she once used to tell me frequently"

I can relate to this, most of us can. The idealisation is very addictive and for a while it makes us feel so special. It's also what makes the devaluation so hard. Letting go of the words that were said is an important step in healing. The words can be very seductive, but actions are what really count

"5.) i could have prevented this"

Very easy to say in hindsight, but even if you had had more knowledge and skills you have no guarantees that the outcome would have been different. You cannot control you ex. You are not responsible for her behaviour and you cannot heal her.

"7.) anger"

Anger is a part of the grieving process and perfectly healthy as long as you don't get stuck in it for too long

"6.) i miss and still love her "

You had a strong attachment so I think your feelings are very natural, especially given you've only recently ended the relationship. This may change over time, but it's ok to love someone while recognising that it's healthier for you not to be together. Accepting that has given me some relief.

8.) she was my best friend and her very best friend i was always there for her how could she lie for so long and treat me like this …

Why do you think she behaved the way she did?

The process you're going through is very well explained in the Lesson 1: Healing, the big picture.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331263#msg1331263

You may have already read these lesson, but I found it really helped to revisit them on a regular basis to understand what I going through.

Well done for sharing and please keep posting

Reforming

[JRT]

Hey Dobie

I am 7 months out as well... .sorry that you are feeling this way.

Question: what makes you think that she is happy without you? As you know and as Reforming pointed out, a recycle attempt is not evidence of that (though there is something about a recycle attempt that would be gratifying for me, so I know how you feel). Neither are her activities on social media (if you have not been blocked or if you are checking in).

Most of the anecdotes that I have read here seem to support the opposite: that they are not at all happy and post breakup, thy can be best described to be a numbed condition.

I can tell you that although mine blocked me on social media, I have discovered that she has gained an enormous amount of weight since the b/u tot he tune of 30 or 40 pounds! In my case, it is not a sign that she is doing well without me even if she is the one that did the breaking up.

Oh... .if she called you all of those nice things, chance are that your ARE all of those superlatives and that there is someone, someplace, right now, that you have not met yet, that is wondering where you are so that she can tell you those things and will never put your through what the last one did.

[dobie]

Hey Dobie

I am 7 months out as well... .sorry that you are feeling this way.

Question: what makes you think that she is happy without you? As you know and as Reforming pointed out, a recycle attempt is not evidence of that (though there is something about a recycle attempt that would be gratifying for me, so I know how you feel). Neither are her activities on social media (if you have not been blocked or if you are checking in).

Most of the anecdotes that I have read here seem to support the opposite: that they are not at all happy and post breakup, thy can be best described to be a numbed condition.

I can tell you that although mine blocked me on social media, I have discovered that she has gained an enormous amount of weight since the b/u tot he tune of 30 or 40 pounds! In my case, it is not a sign that she is doing well without me even if she is the one that did the breaking up.

Oh... .if she called you all of those nice things, chance are that your ARE all of those superlatives and that there is someone, someplace, right now, that you have not met yet, that is wondering where you are so that she can tell you those things and will never put your through what the last one did.

Thanks jrt


Pics on FB I know her happy face and smiling eyes

Plus she is too selfish if she were unhappy jrt she would email or acknowledge mine bro

[dobie]

Hi Dobie,

I'm sorry that you're feeling a lot of pain right now. Everyone's recovery is different and we all time and space to grieve and heal.

"1.) hurt that she has not tried to reengage at all and seems very happy with life without me was i that bad were we that bad am i so forgettable ?"

I know that recycling might seem like proof that your ex loves and misses you, but a person with BPD usually recycles for other reasons and it rarely ends well for either them or the NON. In fact most members experience worse pain after a recycle.

Your ex might appear happy to you, and she might even be for now, but when someone has an untreated disorder sooner or later it is bound to impact on her relationship and her happiness. You know this because you seen at first hand

"2.) shame i feel like a failure if only , could have should have im not worthy of love"

There's nothing wrong with failing. Everybody fails and if we didn't we'd never learn and grow. Do you think you are being rather harsh on yourself? It's clear that you tried your best with the skills and knowledge you had and even if you made mistakes you are not solely responsible for the outcome. It's a loss that needs to be grieved, but you also have an opportunity to learn form the experience and grow.

BPD are riddled with shame and one of their coping mechanisms is to project it on to others - romantic partners are a common target. It's hard but it's important to try and shed their blame / shame. You are responsible for your own behaviour and choices, but not hers.

I've noticed that I feel shame when I'm harsh and punitive to myself. I've found that the best antidote to shame is to try and show myself compassion and kindness.

"3.) emotionally numb when it comes to another r/s i don't think i can trust again "

You've only just come out of long high conflict relationship. Is it surprising that you feel numb? Rebuilding trust in yourself takes time and effort. It's definitely possible, but be gentle with yourself and try and challenge your inner critic. You deserve compassion and kindness

"4.) hurt am i not the most amazing , handsome , intelligent , funny , sexy man she once used to tell me frequently"

I can relate to this, most of us can. The idealisation is very addictive and for a while it makes us feel so special. It's also what makes the devaluation so hard. Letting go of the words that were said is an important step in healing. The words can be very seductive, but actions are what really count

"5.) i could have prevented this"

Very easy to say in hindsight, but even if you had had more knowledge and skills you have no guarantees that the outcome would have been different. You cannot control you ex. You are not responsible for her behaviour and you cannot heal her.

"7.) anger"

Anger is a part of the grieving process and perfectly healthy as long as you don't get stuck in it for too long

"6.) i miss and still love her "

You had a strong attachment so I think your feelings are very natural, especially given you've only recently ended the relationship. This may change over time, but it's ok to love someone while recognising that it's healthier for you not to be together. Accepting that has given me some relief.

8.) she was my best friend and her very best friend i was always there for her how could she lie for so long and treat me like this …

Why do you think she behaved the way she did?

The process you're going through is very well explained in the Lesson 1: Healing, the big picture.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331263#msg1331263

You may have already read these lesson, but I found it really helped to revisit them on a regular basis to understand what I going through.

Well done for sharing and please keep posting

Reforming

Thank you very much 

[JRT]

Hey Dobie

I am 7 months out as well... .sorry that you are feeling this way.

Question: what makes you think that she is happy without you? As you know and as Reforming pointed out, a recycle attempt is not evidence of that (though there is something about a recycle attempt that would be gratifying for me, so I know how you feel). Neither are her activities on social media (if you have not been blocked or if you are checking in).

Most of the anecdotes that I have read here seem to support the opposite: that they are not at all happy and post breakup, thy can be best described to be a numbed condition.

I can tell you that although mine blocked me on social media, I have discovered that she has gained an enormous amount of weight since the b/u tot he tune of 30 or 40 pounds! In my case, it is not a sign that she is doing well without me even if she is the one that did the breaking up.

Oh... .if she called you all of those nice things, chance are that your ARE all of those superlatives and that there is someone, someplace, right now, that you have not met yet, that is wondering where you are so that she can tell you those things and will never put your through what the last one did.

Thanks jrt


Pics on FB I know her happy face and smiling eyes

Plus she is too selfish if she were unhappy jrt she would email or acknowledge mine bro

But you know that those are pictures for the camera... .lets just pretend that the smiling is sincere: those moments for a pwBPD are fleeting.

[dobie]

Hey Dobie

I am 7 months out as well... .sorry that you are feeling this way.

Question: what makes you think that she is happy without you? As you know and as Reforming pointed out, a recycle attempt is not evidence of that (though there is something about a recycle attempt that would be gratifying for me, so I know how you feel). Neither are her activities on social media (if you have not been blocked or if you are checking in).

Most of the anecdotes that I have read here seem to support the opposite: that they are not at all happy and post breakup, thy can be best described to be a numbed condition.

I can tell you that although mine blocked me on social media, I have discovered that she has gained an enormous amount of weight since the b/u tot he tune of 30 or 40 pounds! In my case, it is not a sign that she is doing well without me even if she is the one that did the breaking up.

Oh... .if she called you all of those nice things, chance are that your ARE all of those superlatives and that there is someone, someplace, right now, that you have not met yet, that is wondering where you are so that she can tell you those things and will never put your through what the last one did.

Thanks jrt


Pics on FB I know her happy face and smiling eyes

Plus she is too selfish if she were unhappy jrt she would email or acknowledge mine bro

But you know that those are pictures for the camera... .lets just pretend that the smiling is sincere: those moments for a pwBPD are fleeting.

True she could never be truly happy I think her happiest and most consistent form was a bon jovi concert for a few hours she was ecstatic

[JRT]

... .THAT says a LOT!   :-)

[dobie]

... .THAT says a LOT!   :-)

Lol yeah 

She was always looking for a reason she felt unhappy and trying to find what would make her happy .

The single life (for now) and bon jovi won over us

[Reecer1588]

Dobie, I would recommend cessation from now on at looking at her new pictures,

even if you can't shut yourself out on all forms of social media. For me, seeing new pictures of my ex crop up every now and then was just devastating. Not for the reasons you'd think though, it's not because she looks remotely happy because she doesn't she looks like someone who is really faking it for the camera. It's because she looks so freaking different than she used to, not just the mild weight gain but her whole appearance is like she aged 6-7 years in a couple of months. That innocent look she used to have is just gone. You can see why these were really triggering for me to look At. From my vantage point you seem to be in the same boat.

I too feel invalidated due to the lack of a recycle attempt though I'm nowhere near 7 months out so Idk what the future holds. She slammed that contact door on me shut but left it open for herself if she ever wanted to walk through it.

Sorry you're going through this man. I'm right there with you.

[dobie]

Dobie, I would recommend cessation from now on at looking at her new pictures,

even if you can't shut yourself out on all forms of social media. For me, seeing new pictures of my ex crop up every now and then was just devastating. Not for the reasons you'd think though, it's not because she looks remotely happy because she doesn't she looks like someone who is really faking it for the camera. It's because she looks so freaking different than she used to, not just the mild weight gain but her whole appearance is like she aged 6-7 years in a couple of months. That innocent look she used to have is just gone. You can see why these were really triggering for me to look At. From my vantage point you seem to be in the same boat.

I too feel invalidated due to the lack of a recycle attempt though I'm nowhere near 7 months out so Idk what the future holds. She slammed that contact door on me shut but left it open for herself if she ever wanted to walk through it.

Sorry you're going through this man. I'm right there with you.

I'm sorry for you as well reecer mine was push pulling for the last year so she was pretty certain by the time she finally broke

She also does not have a pattern of reengaging her xs

I keep looking to see who the new guy I but this is destructive and I'm sure if I saw it would drive me into an even deeper depression wish I would lock all social media off my tablet .

Just really got to work on ourselves bro this is the best medicine its also the hardest I've had to face down so many demons the reason I even miss or love someone who could treat me so badly and dispose of me like used gum that I gave all my power to my self respect and my boundaries over the last few years

My needs to be validated through an attractive woman (low self esteem)

My own immaturity that lead me to always picking partners with the same issue

My own fear of intimacy I've never been really loved or loved in the fullest completest sense  and that's tragic and my fault and I'm determined through therapy to never have another r/s like that or sell me or the other person short

My rage my anger that through therapy I found comes from deep childhood wounds that has lead me to be addicted to "high conflict relationships"

My own learned helplessness in some areas of my life

My dependent nature

That my happiness is mine to make I can't accept another to do that

That I need to well in me complete in me before I met another person for a serious r/s

All this is incredibly painful and hard but its medicine we have to take .

Let's face it if we told another guy look this is our xs listed all the positives and then negatives and told them this is how its going to play out do you want to enter a r/s with someone like that what would most guys say HELL NO !

What lead us to seek the love and infatuation of a broken sad angry child ? And what is in us that makes this all so painful and enables us to even think about going back to them after all they did ? These are good questions to ask ourselves bro 

[jhkbuzz]

She was always looking for a reason she felt unhappy and trying to find what would make her happy .

This is key, Dobie: she was unhappy long before she met you, and she is still unhappy - although perhaps distracted from it for now, which won't last.

You are not the source of her unhappiness; people with BPD often describe having a sense of emptiness. This is due to their lack of a whole, autonomous "self." Add to this their inability to maintain relationships and you have a recipe for someone who is endlessly trying to ease their inner turmoil and pain. Inner turmoil + pain = unhappiness.

You could no more make her unhappy than you could make her happy - it truly is all about her internal state of being, independent of you.

There really are only two choices:

1. You can accept that she had a disorder that makes it difficult for her to sustain healthy, intimate relationships, or

2. You can believe that there is something defective about YOU that makes you inherently unlovable.

This is what I think, Dobie: you have believed #2 for a long time - long before you met your ex.  She assuaged that pain for you for a while, but now that she's gone your pain is back.

#2 is a lie, but you believe it.

Finding out why is the key to your healing.

[dobie]

She was always looking for a reason she felt unhappy and trying to find what would make her happy .

This is key, Dobie: she was unhappy long before she met you, and she is still unhappy - although perhaps distracted from it for now, which won't last.

You are not the source of her unhappiness; people with BPD often describe a sense of emptiness. This is due to their lack of a whole, autonomous "self." Add to this their inability to maintain relationships and you have a recipe for someone who is endlessly trying to ease their inner turmoil and pain. Inner turmoil + pain = unhappiness.

You could no more make her unhappy than you could make her happy - it truly is all about her internal state of being, independent of you.

There really are only two choices:

1. You can accept that she had a disorder that makes it difficult for her to sustain healthy, intimate relationships, or

2. You can believe that there is something defective about YOU that makes you inherently unlovable.

This is what I think, Dobie: you have believed #2 for a long time - long before you met your ex.  She assuaged that pain for you for a while, but now that she's gone your pain is back.

#2 is a lie, but you believe it.

Finding out why is the key to your healing.

Jk

Thank you my friend this is spot on she was unhappy before we dated she was also reserved and morose I know that for a fact so she can't pin any of that on me .

My T has identified exactly what you said about me I have issues that relate to my own feelings of self loathing , self esteem etc from a dysfunctional childhood its what makes disengaging from these types of r/s so hard our or my xBPDfiance filled that hole for me she made me feel worthy , handsome , special , loveable , amazing

She used to say she felt there was nothing to her that she was boring not smart enough to converse with my friends . that her job her life was boring

She is chasing rainbows

She fears being happy as well

When my hurt and anger is healed and I'm happy I know I will feel nothing but compassion and pity for her .

Ultimetly she had a terrible childhood and she has been scared she is a victim really but not in the way she sees it . its why I loath her father so much and feel angry towards her mother they created who she is she never stood a chance  :'(

[Mr.Downtrodden]

All of your observations apply to myself as well, Dobie, and I'm two years out - except mine come and go, sometimes in whirlwind fashion. I haven't been able to move on because of ruminations.  Until I can find someone to share my life with, I seriously wonder if i will be able to completely get out of the r/s fallout she left behind.

[dobie]

All of your observations apply to myself as well, Dobie, and I'm two years out - except mine come and go, sometimes in whirlwind fashion. I haven't been able to move on because of ruminations.  Until I can find someone to share my life with, I seriously wonder if i will be able to completely get out of the r/s fallout she left behind.

Have you tried therapy ? I think the key is for US to build our self esteem , hobbies , friends , being good people , volunteering etc

I'm really sorry to hear two years out you are still suffering

I feel now I can't trust that I'm always going to be looking to see if they have one eye on the door ... .

I truly truly 110% believed she would never leave me I was missing all the signs and hearing only what I wanted

[Reecer1588]

Dobie, I would recommend cessation from now on at looking at her new pictures,

even if you can't shut yourself out on all forms of social media. For me, seeing new pictures of my ex crop up every now and then was just devastating. Not for the reasons you'd think though, it's not because she looks remotely happy because she doesn't she looks like someone who is really faking it for the camera. It's because she looks so freaking different than she used to, not just the mild weight gain but her whole appearance is like she aged 6-7 years in a couple of months. That innocent look she used to have is just gone. You can see why these were really triggering for me to look At. From my vantage point you seem to be in the same boat.

I too feel invalidated due to the lack of a recycle attempt though I'm nowhere near 7 months out so Idk what the future holds. She slammed that contact door on me shut but left it open for herself if she ever wanted to walk through it.

Sorry you're going through this man. I'm right there with you.

I'm sorry for you as well reecer mine was push pulling for the last year so she was pretty certain by the time she finally broke

She also does not have a pattern of reengaging her xs

I keep looking to see who the new guy I but this is destructive and I'm sure if I saw it would drive me into an even deeper depression wish I would lock all social media off my tablet .

Just really got to work on ourselves bro this is the best medicine its also the hardest I've had to face down so many demons the reason I even miss or love someone who could treat me so badly and dispose of me like used gum that I gave all my power to my self respect and my boundaries over the last few years

My needs to be validated through an attractive woman (low self esteem)

My own immaturity that lead me to always picking partners with the same issue

My own fear of intimacy I've never been really loved or loved in the fullest completest sense  and that's tragic and my fault and I'm determined through therapy to never have another r/s like that or sell me or the other person short

My rage my anger that through therapy I found comes from deep childhood wounds that has lead me to be addicted to "high conflict relationships"

My own learned helplessness in some areas of my life

My dependent nature

That my happiness is mine to make I can't accept another to do that

That I need to well in me complete in me before I met another person for a serious r/s

All this is incredibly painful and hard but its medicine we have to take .

Let's face it if we told another guy look this is our xs listed all the positives and then negatives and told them this is how its going to play out do you want to enter a r/s with someone like that what would most guys say HELL NO !

What lead us to seek the love and infatuation of a broken sad angry child ? And what is in us that makes this all so painful and enables us to even think about going back to them after all they did ? These are good questions to ask ourselves bro 

All of that was nice Dobie but you skirted around my original point that if you stop looking at her new pictures you will feel better. Regardless of wanting to 'look at the new guy' it doesn't matter, stop looking at her new pictures and you'll feel better.

[jhkbuzz]

She was always looking for a reason she felt unhappy and trying to find what would make her happy .

This is key, Dobie: she was unhappy long before she met you, and she is still unhappy - although perhaps distracted from it for now, which won't last.

You are not the source of her unhappiness; people with BPD often describe having a sense of emptiness. This is due to their lack of a whole, autonomous "self." Add to this their inability to maintain relationships and you have a recipe for someone who is endlessly trying to ease their inner turmoil and pain. Inner turmoil + pain = unhappiness.

You could no more make her unhappy than you could make her happy - it truly is all about her internal state of being, independent of you.

There really are only two choices:

1. You can accept that she had a disorder that makes it difficult for her to sustain healthy, intimate relationships, or

2. You can believe that there is something defective about YOU that makes you inherently unlovable.

This is what I think, Dobie: you have believed #2 for a long time - long before you met your ex.  She assuaged that pain for you for a while, but now that she's gone your pain is back.

#2 is a lie, but you believe it.

Finding out why is the key to your healing.

My T has identified exactly what you said about me I have issues that relate to my own feelings of self loathing , self esteem etc from a dysfunctional childhood its what makes disengaging from these types of r/s so hard our or my xBPDfiance filled that hole for me she made me feel worthy , handsome , special , loveable , amazing

When my hurt and anger is healed and I'm happy I know I will feel nothing but compassion and pity for her .

Yes to all of that ^! You have to find a way to fill that hole for yourself - depending upon others to fill it for you will only lead to pain.

And I am working towards detached compassion for my ex as well - I think it's a worthy goal to strive for. 

It sounds like you are on the cusp of turning your focus from your ex to yourself and your own healing - that is a vital step to take.  When I was at that point, there was a post from a member named 2010 that really helped me with this very thing. 2010 was responding to a member who was realizing that her issues had very little to do with her ex; an excerpt is below:

(S)he's a key that unlocks your thoughts about something from childhood. Those thoughts live in the space between hope and fear. For the most part, that's residual thought from a childhood wounding. (S)he just came along and ripped off the scab. As the Buddhists say, it's not the arrow that matters, it's the wound that it leaves.  When an arrow is shot into an old wound, it can bring up all sorts of repressed pain.

When we try to recover from being wounded, we begin by questioning things about the arrow (weapon.) For instance, was the arrow wood or was it metal? How fast was it traveling? and so on... .but what really matters here is the wound that it leaves or re-opens. The focus shouldn't be on the weapon - it should be on the wounding. How deep is it? How do we stop the bleeding? How do we heal? Is this an old wound that needs even more care because it didn't properly heal in the first place?

Being in a relationship with someone that reinvigorates an old wound can you cause even greater distress than a new wound, especially if you thought the old wound had completely healed. For many of us, we thought we had healed, but that wasn't exactly true. We've never been able to heal our original wound - we've just placed a band-aid over it. Many of us here have had no experience with real healing - due to our own neglect and unresolved pain from childhood which we tried to cover up and hide from others. That's what a relationship with a BPD uncovers... .



https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=148628.msg1440455#msg1440455

[dobie]

Awesome repost thanks jk 

[Mr.Downtrodden]

All of your observations apply to myself as well, Dobie, and I'm two years out - except mine come and go, sometimes in whirlwind fashion. I haven't been able to move on because of ruminations.  Until I can find someone to share my life with, I seriously wonder if i will be able to completely get out of the r/s fallout she left behind.

Have you tried therapy ? I think the key is for US to build our self esteem , hobbies , friends , being good people , volunteering etc

I'm really sorry to hear two years out you are still suffering

I feel now I can't trust that I'm always going to be looking to see if they have one eye on the door ... .

I truly truly 110% believed she would never leave me I was missing all the signs and hearing only what I wanted

'Tis OK, I do have a hard time now and again - I'm much better than I was when I joined here back in Nov.

My main reason for difficulties are my own fault - i wanted to remain friends with my ex.  That delayed my ability to process everything that transpired when we had our r/s, before her selfish behavior destroyed what had been promised.  Sort of like a complete circuit overload.  When we got together last summer, everything went from fantastic to completely disheartening in less than one day.  It forced me to see the side she had hidden from me.  I knew there was nothing I could do for her anymore.  That was the hard part - acceptance.


I've done therapy in the past.  I also have plenty of things to keep me busy - playing music, buying and selling collectibles, being self-employed, plus other obligations like caring for an elderly parent - not like i need anymore stress, !

For me, having someone to "dump on" works fine at the start, but the only therapy which truly helps me in the end is finding & figuring out how to deal with problems on my own terms.  It takes me a long time to recover from personal setbacks; that's just how i roll.  Some people get frustrated with me, as if healing works on some sort of scientific standardized timeline.  I've lost a couple of longtime (10-15years) very close friends; both i had thought were true friends over my past emotional events.  One told me everything was my fault and I can change if I wanted to just by doing it immediately.  Yeah, right.  so long, old friend.

My birthday and my ex's b-day are forthcoming in the span of a week, I am working hard at not letting her false promises, let-downs and ruminations trigger me into a depressed state.  I accept that I will feel lonely, though.

My advice to you,  dobie,  is you really need to go NC, get completely off social media so you won't get tempted.  

I have done that, and, yeah, I too wonder what my ex is doing, I long to see a pic of her, but I know I CAN'T GO THERE because it will trigger me.

NC is the hardest cold turkey thing I have ever done.  Being 9 months of NC now, I am proud of myself for not caving in.  Indifference is the true goal for any non wounded by a BPD SO. I may never get there, but going forward is better, and safer emotionally than going backward.

Stay strong!

[dobie]

Yes its hard for others to understand my friends are the same its seven months just forget her "like I wouldn't if I could" these r/s open up so many painful wounds I hear you totally . for me its the abandnment and the feeling "I'm not good enough"  "I've failed again what's the point " etc

My x also hid her true nature or that side to her that came out in acidic bloom the ruthless , selfish me me me attitude , the lack of empathy and accountability when she knew I was in love with her and the power dynamic changed .

She was viper posing as a frog but I also accept there were  I just didn't or couldn't see them

Lately I've been thinking back to the last year or so and how many of my needs weren't met sexual , emotional , even to have my own hobbies how many times she instigated arguments so she could play the victim the snide criticism the anger .

the burning resentment .

How she was purposefully detaching over the last 12 months while pulling me in in case I did the leaving

The holding over me things throwing things back in my face

Its abuse plain and simple she is an abuser just like her alcoholic career criminal BPD/ppd dad

The more you love them and care the more disgust and bad treatment they dish out .

Now intellectually I know all this but emotionally is where the processing needs to take place where I FEEL like I deserve more , where I KNOW I'm worth more







In fact the more loving and caring I got the worse she behaved

The lack of appreciation the demands she told me point blank " I haven't cared about you job for over a year " this being said while I spent hours everyday helping her with her "work problems"

[DyingLove]

Dobie, I would recommend cessation from now on at looking at her new pictures,

even if you can't shut yourself out on all forms of social media. For me, seeing new pictures of my ex crop up every now and then was just devastating. Not for the reasons you'd think though, it's not because she looks remotely happy because she doesn't she looks like someone who is really faking it for the camera. It's because she looks so freaking different than she used to, not just the mild weight gain but her whole appearance is like she aged 6-7 years in a couple of months. That innocent look she used to have is just gone. You can see why these were really triggering for me to look At. From my vantage point you seem to be in the same boat.

I too feel invalidated due to the lack of a recycle attempt though I'm nowhere near 7 months out so Idk what the future holds. She slammed that contact door on me shut but left it open for herself if she ever wanted to walk through it.

Sorry you're going through this man. I'm right there with you.

There is that freakin' closeness to them.  That feeling that you can touch them and they totally belong to you... .their skin, their looks, their touch EVERYTHING is just a connection to your own self, your own body.  Loss of an exBPD is worse than the death of a loved one or parent or... .I don't know anymore.  My mom was the closest to me, and I cried and cried non stop at her services.  I suffered during her last days/weeks.  I suffered!  This seems to be multiple times worse! Would almost rather have her gone... .you know. (don't even want to say it)

Before I moved permanently to Florida to be with her, we skyped one night (we skyped almost every night) and during this skype, a favorite song came on. I got her to sing it to me and I recorded it with my phone.  I stumbled upon it yesterday and it destroyed me.  It's not that anything is great about it... .it's just that I remember back how I felt, how she felt, how exciting it was to find this wonderful woman that promised me everything.  Her looks, her motions... .everything about her made me so excited then... .and everything about her made me shrivel up watching it.  I put it on youtube and sent the link to her daughter yesterday.  Maybe the sweet time will remind her daughter of how wonderful things used to be for us.  If anyone wants to see it, send me a PM and I'll give you the link.  I made it private but I wonder if anyone else will see the tenderness in it.  Maybe it's just me and my love for her.  Maybe I'm overdoing it, I don't know.

[Irish Pride]

Yes its hard for others to understand my friends are the same its seven months just forget her "like I wouldn't if I could" these r/s open up so many painful wounds I hear you totally . for me its the abandnment and the feeling "I'm not good enough"  "I've failed again what's the point " etc

My x also hid her true nature or that side to her that came out in acidic bloom the ruthless , selfish me me me attitude , the lack of empathy and accountability when she knew I was in love with her and the power dynamic changed .

She was viper posing as a frog but I also accept there were  I just didn't or couldn't see them

Lately I've been thinking back to the last year or so and how many of my needs weren't met sexual , emotional , even to have my own hobbies how many times she instigated arguments so she could play the victim the snide criticism the anger .

the burning resentment .

How she was purposefully detaching over the last 12 months while pulling me in in case I did the leaving

The holding over me things throwing things back in my face

Its abuse plain and simple she is an abuser just like her alcoholic career criminal BPD/ppd dad

The more you love them and care the more disgust and bad treatment they dish out .

Now intellectually I know all this but emotionally is where the processing needs to take place where I FEEL like I deserve more , where I KNOW I'm worth more







In fact the more loving and caring I got the worse she behaved

The lack of appreciation the demands she told me point blank " I haven't cared about you job for over a year " this being said while I spent hours everyday helping her with her "work problems"

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I just made a post about about some of this. All the emotions you're having are normal. Everything you just described above, I can SO relate to. Just try to remember she has a sickness that you cannot cure. She may not even be able to. I honestly feel for you and really do understand what you're going through. And you're also right about friends/family not understanding. None of mine really do. That's why I'm here. We really were mindfked in a lot of ways. It's going to take time. Just try to forgive her, forgive yourself and let the healing begin. Stay away from ANYTHING remotely connected to her. Erase her from your life. Delete your files. Try to learn from your mistakes and just hope you'll take what you've learned and be more aware next time.

If you even need an ear, let me know! We're all in this together.

[dobie]

Yes its hard for others to understand my friends are the same its seven months just forget her "like I wouldn't if I could" these r/s open up so many painful wounds I hear you totally . for me its the abandnment and the feeling "I'm not good enough"  "I've failed again what's the point " etc

My x also hid her true nature or that side to her that came out in acidic bloom the ruthless , selfish me me me attitude , the lack of empathy and accountability when she knew I was in love with her and the power dynamic changed .

She was viper posing as a frog but I also accept there were  I just didn't or couldn't see them

Lately I've been thinking back to the last year or so and how many of my needs weren't met sexual , emotional , even to have my own hobbies how many times she instigated arguments so she could play the victim the snide criticism the anger .

the burning resentment .

How she was purposefully detaching over the last 12 months while pulling me in in case I did the leaving

The holding over me things throwing things back in my face

Its abuse plain and simple she is an abuser just like her alcoholic career criminal BPD/ppd dad

The more you love them and care the more disgust and bad treatment they dish out .

Now intellectually I know all this but emotionally is where the processing needs to take place where I FEEL like I deserve more , where I KNOW I'm worth more







In fact the more loving and caring I got the worse she behaved

The lack of appreciation the demands she told me point blank " I haven't cared about you job for over a year " this being said while I spent hours everyday helping her with her "work problems"

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I just made a post about about some of this. All the emotions you're having are normal. Everything you just described above, I can SO relate to. Just try to remember she has a sickness that you cannot cure. She may not even be able to. I honestly feel for you and really do understand what you're going through. And you're also right about friends/family not understanding. None of mine really do. That's why I'm here. We really were mindfked in a lot of ways. It's going to take time. Just try to forgive her, forgive yourself and let the healing begin. Stay away from ANYTHING remotely connected to her. Erase her from your life. Delete your files. Try to learn from your mistakes and just hope you'll take what you've learned and be more aware next time.

If you even need an ear, let me know! We're all in this together.

Thanks and same Irish