How crazy am I?

[cypher]

so here is my story:

She was my friends girlfriend - didn’t have much interaction with her or him when they started the relationship.  He was abroad studying and she pulled me into a circle of common friends.  She started telling me stories about her horrible childhood and how unsatisfied she was in the current relationship.  She told me stories about old boyfriends who treated here like dirt and then hurt her by claiming that she cheated on them.  I felt a need to protect here and not behave like those old boyfriends.  It also boosted my (low) self esteem that a girl like that could be interested in me.  I found out that she had posed naked in local mags.  Then she let me know that she had participated in a local Playboy shoot.  She made a sexual pass at me at her boyfriends home, he abroad, parents upstairs - I let myself be pulled in.  Later tried to pull out - but she gave me an ultimatum - merge with me or I’ll block you from my life.  I choose the former.

Fast forward - 2 children - my soul sucked away - tried to gain independence a few years ago - let to marriage therepy on her demand.  I heard that she belived that I would refuse, but I put everything into it, including a lot of self reflection.  I quickly found out that she hated it since the counselor started to probe into her issues.  I myself learned a lot from it, incl. admitting my own co-dependency from childhood.  She gave out a threat during this time - I will not let my children live in a suitcase == you will have access to them every other weekend.  I don’t remember anymore the full story of why we quit the therapy, but we decided to continue and try to fix things.

Fast forward a few more years.  A stormy time.  I considered divorce every year.  Lot’s a very good moments, but also some very horrible ones, including unacceptable behaviour towards our boys that I felt unable to stop.  Both children started having massive problems at school + socially.  It started with the younger one (2 years old when we started marriage therapy) - massive negativity and anger issues - exploding child type behaviour.  The older started to have problems in the last 24 months - it felt like he had been hiding things inside and suddenly exploded.

12 months ago - I’m totally drained.  No sex for some time.  20kg overweight, heavily in debt, feeling really low.   Come home too drunk.  Accidentally hurt my son (lay on top of him in my bed - he was sleeping there). She tells me she has been considering divorce due to my lack of interested in sex (she has shown no interested herself - I 90% initiate the sex).  I hit bottom.  My wife is having some success at work, feeling good with herself, comes into the summer shining - looking hotter than when we started.  I decide to put final effort into this relationship.  Cut the drinking, put up a weight lifting program, loose 20kg in 4 months.  Start showing her independence, flirt, sex picks up again - quckly escalates into pornstar style sex.  Things start to look better between us - here anger is under control - I think it's because we are good to each other and she is showing much larger interest in me (romantically + sexually).  I think that I’m the one in control, but of course it’s the co-dependency kicking in again, just showing some larger successes.

But slowly the fake image starts to show cracks.  My younger son continues to have heavy difficulties and my wife starts to show a lot of high and lows in her behaviour.  i have been seeing a lot of strange behaviour around mobile message usage.  I confront here that I think there is something going on outside the marriage.  She refuses - I probe further - find suspecting evidence - confront here - she refuses and pulls up defensive explanations - I send messages to the other guy asking for a meeting - he goes mad defensive and blocks me.  I confront her again and find out that she has contacted him after I confronted here.  I finally find evidence confirming my suggestion about an affair.  On top of that she has been having a relationship with another much older guy that I now consider an emotional affair as well.

I ask for marriage therapy.  We pull forward a booked time that we had with a family therapist.  The meeting is on monday - until then it’s been like the calm before the storm.  I can see myself becoming a persecutor in here eyes.  No sex.

So on a scale of 1-10 - how crazy am I to even consider continuing this?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi cypher,

based on natural language processing of your post and application of a weighed benchmark I get to a craziness value of 4.73.

Seriously now - these life decisions are not simple. Breaking up a family never is and breaking up is seen by many as the last resort. May or may not be right so everyone needs to decide for themselves. Considering you have now found a trove of new knowledge and a source of support however I would not think it is crazy to decide to educate yourself and give it a try.

Member who somehow accept that possibly a break-up could occur often are in the best position to get serious about boundaries. Besides better communication boundaries are the other critical change. Looking at your post there seems to be a need for boundaries in the financial area.

I ask for marriage therapy.  We pull forward a booked time that we had with a family therapist.  The meeting is on monday - until then it’s been like the calm before the storm.  I can see myself becoming a persecutor in here eyes.  No sex.

Marriage counseling (MC) is generally problematic. It would be good to check out related threads here in the forum and review communication techniques as preparation for Monday.

Again ,

a0

[cypher]

Thanks for the feedback, it vas valueable.

The meeting was chaotic - lot's of emotions - it felt good to discuss things based on emotions, not logic.  The emotional affair was kind of admitted.

I'm starting to understand the point about Marriage Counceling.  I think underneath I'm guilty of using that path as a tool.  We have a follow-up meeting next week.  I think I'm finally starting to understand the purpose of boundaries and am preparing myself for a discussion based on the emotions involved and my boundaries.

This process has tought me a lot.  And the information on this board is key to gain some understanding.

Slowly I'm gaining an understanding that this is not a "puzzle" for me to solve.

[babyducks]

Welcome cypher,

I am sorry for the difficulties and pain that drove you to find this site.   I remember how hurt and beyond confused I was when I arrived here.

You used the words chaotic with a lot of emotions.   Yup, that summed up me and my relationship really well.   The good news is that through the help of this website, doing some reading on my own, and going to individual therapy things have gotten  a lot better for me and for my relationship.   It's been a difficult process but I can honestly say I never thought things could be this good.

Have you noticed the Lessons over the right hand side of the page?   They are a great place to start.   I was once very guilty of taking my partners behavior very personally and then trying to 'fix' it.   Once I started to understand why the volatility was there I was much more able to deal with it.   

You certainly have a lot going on.   A lot of tough stuff.  I would encourage you to stop in frequently and post.  Even if its a 'yeah me too' post.  Participating in the dialogue helps.  This is a safe place to share our feeling with people who understand.   Take some time to get to know us.   

'ducks

[Loosestrife]

You are not crazy, the situation is. I hope your marriage counselling goes well