BPD partner, I think. Deeply struggling with my depression and pain from this

[prayingleo]

Hello All,

I am a single parent who is jn a relationship with a man who I believe has BPD. We have been together for close to 2 years. The first year was pretty amazing. He was supportive of my exit from a very difficult marriage. He was sensitive, patient,  sweet, gentle. Now, he is deeply controlling,  irritated, argumentative, demanding, and often verbally inappropriate.  I am in counseling  and he is on medications for depression, but has not started therapy himself. I went from be I ng his princess to not being able to do anything right. I am very concerned for my child and m y own mental health. I have told him that he needs to get into therapy, and he ack n owl edges this. I do not know if he thinks he is BPD or not, but my therapist does. She has also expressed concerns about my mental health and safety. Sometimes he is very sweet and considerate,  but mostly now I spend my time trying desperately to do everything right so he doesn't rage. I am getting more depressed and I cry at the drop of a hat. I am stugging tremendously and I don't know what to do right now.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JRT]

Sorry to hear that you are going through this, I know that it is difficult.

It seems to me that the key to moving in the right direction is for him to agree to therapy and take it seriously. I think that its a very good sign that he even agrees that this is critical for himself and for your relationship. Most pwBPD feel that they do not have a problem; in fact they insist that their partner is the problem - sometimes vehemently. Wht is the hold up for him to committing to therapy?

[Crumbling]

Hi, Prayingleo. 

  You've been through a lot.  Do you have a place you can go where you do feel safe?  There's a link at the bottom of the right of this page called Safety First.  It may have some good info for you. 

You're brave to be sharing, I'm really glad to see you've found us.  Many of us learn over time, that the best place to start making things better, is to stop making things worse.     And there's a link on the right for that too.   

It's good to hear you've got your own therapist.  You're working on yourself, and that's the one thing you have control of, right?  The feeling of being afraid to set him into a rage is referred to here as walking on eggshells.  Most of us have been there far more than we care to remember.  It does play havoc on your self worth, and it ended up leading me into a terrible depression.    

Have you developed any boundaries around how you and he interact with each other?  I found that to be a helpful step to take... .it's like setting out ground rules, and making sure both people know them. 

  If you feel like crying, then the best thing for you to do is cry.  Mourning seems to be part of the process, and it's not wrong to feel that way.  Just be careful not to get stuck there, in that awful sad place.  Reaching out for help, like you did in this post, is a great thing to do. 

blessings to you,

C.

[an0ught]

Prayingleo,

as JRT pointed out - getting him to get into therapy would be a big step forward, particularly as you are at the point where he acknowledges that there is a problem. It is excellent that you have already taken steps to reach out and have a T. Therapists are good in reminding ourselves of the duty to ourselves and children.

but mostly now I spend my time trying desperately to do everything right so he doesn't rage

Yeah, that boils down to the infamous walking on eggshells. Here is BPD rage avoiding 101:

 1) Do not avoid triggering him - loosing game. Do avoid invalidating him. Invalidating is the most common and predicable trigger. It is also eroding his ability to self validate. It is very common in a distressed relationship to invalidate our partners. One of the easiest and quite common way to invalidate is e.g. to tell our partners we love them when at that very moment we are raging mad at them. If we do that we are deluding ourselves that our partner won't sense our anger. We lie about our emotion and invalidate them. Learning how to address negative emotions is something we can learn that has a big impact on navigating the emotional labyrinth of our partners and sooth them when possible (not always but often).  Avoiding invalidation is a negative focus and a hard thing to do - focus on learning validating him leads naturally to decreasing invalidation on both sides.

 2) Rage that is isolated to the relationship is often related to combination of a pwBPD and weak boundaries. Crumbling pointed you for good reasons in that direction. Once a few boundaries have been established rage is greatly reduced. The board and your T can help you figuring out where to draw the line, how to draw it and stand behind you when you draw it.

Again welcome to the board,

a0