Still having a hard time

[runningup]

feeling like I have come full cycle, its been 7 weeks now, and I am feeling like I miss her more than I did at the start, its not going away no matter how much i try and dull my sences. i just want her to reach out to me, well i think i do, I dont know what the hell i would do if she did.

[Vatz]

feeling like I have come full cycle, its been 7 weeks now, and I am feeling like I miss her more than I did at the start, its not going away no matter how much i try and dull my sences. i just want her to reach out to me, well i think i do, I dont know what the hell i would do if she did.

What you're feeling is normal. I felt the same way. But trust me, these intense emotions will pass. Think of it like withdrawal. She's a drug and you're a junkie.

Perhaps dulling your senses isn't the answer. Its like *trying* to relax, kind of a paradox.

Believe me, I know what its like and I'm known to feel intense emotions, but they can lead to desperation and all kinds of maladaptive behavior.

When my ex cheated on me, I felt so many conflicting and strong feelings. We split, I told her to choose me or him. She said she couldn't choose. So I told her that was enough and said I was done. A week or two weeks later I called her. I was lonely, hurt, lovesick but most of all I couldn't let him have what was MINE. So we ended up getting back together and I ended up rescuing her from a mess she made for herself. For maybe two months things went smoothly then it was intermittent abuse with inability to stick to med regimen and a worsening drug-addiction.

That's right. Mine started really abusing her meds. It was AWFUL to watch.

Eventually I started withdrawing due to depression and I saw an old pattern emerge. There was going to be another affair. This I managed to steele myself for but she only became more demanding again. I refused to give in to many of her unreasonable demands so she broke up with me.

I got her away and yes, the first few weeks I was numb. I felt nothing. But after a bit in started to feel lonely and I missed her. But... . Thankfully I had learned enough lessons about how that story ends. I didn't pursue but sometimes the feelings still surface. I resolved to never ever ever EVER speak, see, or head from her again. She is dead to me.

So what's my point? My point is when I recycled I ended up wasting a year and a half with someone who was impossible to deal with. Sure there were good times but I was so damaged and scarred from the bad times that the good just... .wasn't enough.

She made her decision. You can only forge ahead runningup. Take it from me, going back might seem great for a few days/weeks but dysfunctional people I'm finding these days are far too predictable. It'll all just happen again. Don't waste the one most precious resource in your possession. Time.

Be well runningup. Keep posting and shoot me a pm if you ever feel like you need someone to talk to.

[runningup]

Thanks for the feedback. I have been getting sparatic messages from old friends, apparantly shes got into a heavy drug scene now, missing time from work with her new BF, being out and about at local drug hotspots, it pains me as I can do nothing to protect her or my step son. I still feel like its my responsibility to protect, even though the protection is unwanted. This guy is leading her into hard drugs, which she has never used before, and from what I am hearning things are looking bleak, and theres nothing I can do. I suspect I will need in time to cut off connection with these other people as its breaking my heart to see her self destructing so quickly.

I have been doing a little better, i tried going back to town last week as i have my house for sale there, I wasnt able to stay the nite though, to many ghosts of her and step son in the house and was messing with my head, and I was also concerned that if I stayed in town longer than needed I would potentially do something like go and turn up and beat the drug dealing dick into a pulp, which wouldnt have ended will for me.

I know none of it is worth my involvement, and just so sad to see. My main word I keep coming back to is "WASTE", its a waste what she flushed, the positive movements forward etc.

[runningup]

Got a nice brief email yesterday, alone the lines of "___ off out of my life and stop talking to my friends nobody likes you"

Hmmm, irony is they were my friends first, guess she taking them too.

[runningup]

Who would have thought that this would all push me to wanting to attempt suicide. The last place I want to be.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Who would have thought that this would all push me to wanting to attempt suicide. The last place I want to be.

Running,

This post is alarming. At the bottom of the page there is a box that reads emergency. I think you need to look into it. Nothing nor no one is worth such an act. Keep posting, keep venting, keep confronting your otions but let's not head in that direction.

[Infared]

Who would have thought that this would all push me to wanting to attempt suicide. The last place I want to be.

Running... .keep posting here.  There are also resources online as Agent says, you can reach some of them by hitting the emergency button at the bottom of the page.

I was in the place that you find yourself and I reached out in my community for support. I got a therapist and I worked at feeling better about life and about me. Reach out buddy... .you are worth it!

[runningup]

just had big breakdown, im staying with my parents, and they arent understanding how  much i have lost, my partner, stepson, house, job, now im living nomadically in their spare room, they are in their 70's and not grasping my situation.

I drove myself into a stupor of self harm thoughts 2 days ago looking at pictures and videos, self inflicted i know. i am just so lonely, just miss them both so much, miss my happy life, i was so content in my life, i worked hard for them, and not all i have is me, with no prospects, depression that flares up from situational circumstances like this.

i just need to make it through another 3 days until I see my psych.

[runningup]

instead of runningup... .My name is James.

Im not having the self harm thoughts specifically because of her, its the culmination of what i had worked so hard towards for the last 6 years, how much of myself i had given, what i had sacrificed, what i had given to have the family, to give them everything, all to have it taken with 24hrs, to lose it all, to lose myself, to be made feel worthless, to lose my reason for being, to lose everything that was ME.

[Mike-X]

instead of runningup... .My name is James.

Im not having the self harm thoughts specifically because of her, its the culmination of what i had worked so hard towards for the last 6 years, how much of myself i had given, what i had sacrificed, what i had given to have the family, to give them everything, all to have it taken with 24hrs, to lose it all, to lose myself, to be made feel worthless, to lose my reason for being, to lose everything that was ME.

The feeling of losing so much through an abrupt breakup can certainly feel as if you are losing 'you'. With high conflict relationships, I think that this is especially the case because of how the relationship starts with the idealization and vulnerable seductress phase and how our roles in the relationship change to caretaker of the relationship/SO.  I definitely felt this way after my GF moved out.

[Mike-X]

instead of runningup... .My name is James.

Im not having the self harm thoughts specifically because of her, its the culmination of what i had worked so hard towards for the last 6 years, how much of myself i had given, what i had sacrificed, what i had given to have the family, to give them everything, all to have it taken with 24hrs, to lose it all, to lose myself, to be made feel worthless, to lose my reason for being, to lose everything that was ME.

The giving and sacrificing for the family say to me that you are a loving, caring guy. You were with a woman, however, who has a disorder that prevents her from receiving that love.

[Mike-X]

just had big breakdown, im staying with my parents, and they arent understanding how  much i have lost, my partner, stepson, house, job, now im living nomadically in their spare room, they are in their 70's and not grasping my situation.

I drove myself into a stupor of self harm thoughts 2 days ago looking at pictures and videos, self inflicted i know. i am just so lonely, just miss them both so much, miss my happy life, i was so content in my life, i worked hard for them, and not all i have is me, with no prospects, depression that flares up from situational circumstances like this.

i just need to make it through another 3 days until I see my psych.

If you need to reach out to your psych before your scheduled visit, do you have a number that you can call?

[Mike-X]

just had big breakdown, im staying with my parents, and they arent understanding how  much i have lost, my partner, stepson, house, job, now im living nomadically in their spare room, they are in their 70's and not grasping my situation.

I drove myself into a stupor of self harm thoughts 2 days ago looking at pictures and videos, self inflicted i know. i am just so lonely, just miss them both so much, miss my happy life, i was so content in my life, i worked hard for them, and not all i have is me, with no prospects, depression that flares up from situational circumstances like this.

i just need to make it through another 3 days until I see my psych.

My family didn't understand either, and only one of my friends understood, because he had been married (and divorced) to a woman with BPD. That is why I felt so fortunate to have found these boards. There are so many on here who do understand and are so willing and wanting to share their time helping those of us in similar situations.

[JRT]

instead of runningup... .My name is James.

Im not having the self harm thoughts specifically because of her, its the culmination of what i had worked so hard towards for the last 6 years, how much of myself i had given, what i had sacrificed, what i had given to have the family, to give them everything, all to have it taken with 24hrs, to lose it all, to lose myself, to be made feel worthless, to lose my reason for being, to lose everything that was ME.

For what it is worth, I can really relate to this. I also worked and sacrificed toward this goal. Like you, I had accepted her son as my own and was prepared to provide him with all of the love and attention as if he were my own. I had replaced my entire mindset with one of 'family' and not self. After many years of lowliness and hard knocks, I felt like I was finally being given the reward of a happy life.

When you say it all ended in 24 hours, it really resonates with me. We communicated frequently of FB IM. Those messages are still there and I can tell you, the days before the final breakup, there was nothing in anything that we discussed that was remotely a tip off regarding what was to come the next day. In fact, the messages seemed to indicate a strengthening of our r/s. I went out of town the next day (she was going to meet me there later the following weekend) and received a nasty text the next afternoon informing me that we are no longer in a r/s.

If I had a way that could make you feel better, I would do it in a an instant. But the only way through this involves time and distance. Its been 7 months for me and I think about our r/s often. Sometimes I am tempted to contact her... .sometimes I want to cry... .but it has gotten a LOT better. It will for you as well.

[Mutt]

Hi runningup,

I'm sorry your going through this. I'm happy to see you're back. How are you feeling?

[Suzn]

to lose everything that was ME.

I remember feeling this way too runningup. I had a purpose and it was to provide for my family. I had a purpose and I was proud of being able to provide for my partner and her children. It had become my identity and I was lost for a while afterwards.

I get your parents not really getting the full picture, that's hard for anyone outside of these r/s. Are they supportive?

[spottydog]

I guess looking on this website there are a lot of us out there.  All struggling to get over that failed BPD relationship.  Personally after 18 years being married to an undiagnosed  BPD, I  understand  exactly where you are coming from. I have been hurt time and time again.  No sooner do we get past one trauma than another develops. I have become a hoarding depressive and can see that. I need to leave the relationship but am struggling to do so.  I still love my husband, despite his complete lack of respect for me or my feelings but there is something inside of me that really struggles to make the split. Once again  I have tried to stand my ground and once again it has ended with us in pending divorce mode. We have been here so many times over the last few years. How do I find the strength to follow it through? The first week I  felt strong and determined and now I just can't stop crying. ... .