Looking for insight

[Res170kb]

Hi,

I think my wife has borderline personality. I should have seen this before, but being codependent myself I feel now that I've enabled these behaviors. We are in the middle of a conflict at this moment. The problem is I'm always at fault for everything. When her emotions flair she is verbally and emotionally abusive. What makes it harder us we can go days with everything being great then BAM! It's like nothing was resolved and we are back to square one. I've tried validating her feelings and a couple other things, but I'm having the most trouble with boundaries. I feel like I'm always defending myself and the stuff she says is hurting our relationship big time. I can't decipher what she really means vs. just things said out of anger. I love my wife very much and my first concern is her, but she sees nothing wrong with her behavior. Anyone have any insight?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MaroonLiquid]

Res, I'm so sorry you find yourself here.  You are in the right place!  Please make sure to read the links to the right and put them into practice.  You will find a ton of people here (including me) who have been through extremely similar situations.  When they get angry, there isn't much you can do except validate and protect yourself in the process.  They are very black and white, so in those instances, what they say is what they are feeling, truth or not.  Start by understanding what role you have played and work on yourself, even if they don't change.

[Res170kb]

Maroon,

Thank you for the encouragement. I know that I'm codependent and that caused me to enable and forgive easily. I would still forgive her now, but she sees no problem in what she does. She validates her actions with the fact that I hurt her. Which I know I did and I've apologized so many times and have validated her feelings (which doesn't get a good response either) but she refuses to forgive or even try. Instead, she says so many terrible things and wants a divorce. I love my wife and her well being and I know resentment, anger and unforgiveness is not healthy. I flip between caring and trying to follow the steps to pissed off and emotionally drained. I just don't know how to handle all the accusations and extremely hurtful things she says. How it so easy for her to throw us away?  Not to mention I'm terminally sick and i don't want to die without the love of my wife. Ugh... .this is so hard.

[takingandsending]

Hi Res170kb.

Oh, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. That must be terribly hard for you. In addition to the Lessons, there is an excellent video by Dr. Alan Fruzetti on validation - when and how to do it and what not to do. As a codependent, I also  used to validate my wife when she blamed me. Boundary work has taught me not to validate the invalid - it only makes things intensify.

What sorts of things do you care about most? Kindness, kind speech, kind action? Those are the best areas to start working on boundaries because they really define who you are. If you can begin protecting that, you will feel some space from the chaos - something that I really hope you can find. Although it doesn't make sense, having a terminal illness may be shaking your wife's world down, as fear of abandonment is often at the core of BPD.

Do you get support and help from outside of your marriage? I hope you can take positive steps to take care of your needs. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing and if you have any questions. 

[waverider]

Couple of quick questions.

Are your actions mainly reactive to how she is acting?

Do you feel like it is your duty to understand and fix issues, to rescue her from drama?

[Res170kb]

Waverider,

I'm more conscious of my actions now then I have been. It is hard not to take her words personally, but I'm trying not to. In reality I know I can't fix her... .I don't think she is broken... .I just think that we both learned how to react and communicate differently and I'm having a hard time understanding it. How can someone who loves you say such terrible things and not apologize or not see anything wrong with it? I am Detaching to protect myself, but then it makes it very hard to be understanding and empathetic. I know I have a lot to work on, but right now I have no idea where I stand or if there is any hope left. I can't make her feel different.

Takingandsending,

That's great advice. I just feel that if I'm only concentrating on me I'm hurting us... .if that makes any sense. It's probably my codependency. I do have counseling and that helps. I'm just always in a no win situation. Ive shut down for right now. We will see what happens.

Thank you both! It's nice to know people understand.

[takingandsending]

Res179kb,

To stop the bleeding, you are going to have to learn to take reaction out of your part of the equation. When that happens, the fuel for her reactions will be gone and the flames will die down eventually.

Here's a link to a communication tool specific to reacting/invalidating, https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating.

I have learned from repeated experience that to Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain (JADE) to my uBPDw only increases her anger, blame leading to verbal abusiveness. The more she came at me, the harder I would JADE. Mind you, this happened over time. Initially, I started validating the invalid, agreeing with everything she accused me of doing.

Don't JADE. It takes practice, but don't do it. I am willing to bet that you can tell within the first 30 seconds of a conversation with your wife whether or not it is going to tank. I am also willing to bet that those conversations continue despite your fervent wish and best efforts to end them peacefully. Don't JADE; don't fuel the fire. For people with BPD, feelings=facts. Driven by emotions, anything that contradicts those emotions is taken as invalidating the facts of their world, which accelerates those emotions. Your wife can't control it. But, as partners, we can help by not making it worse.

Not JADEing is difficult. The only way that I was able to start was by starting with a boundary. When conversations with my wife devolved into name calling and abuse, I removed myself from her presence. Is that something that you can do? My standard response to my wife now is, "I can see that you are upset/angry/sad (Note: I don't state that I upset her or otherwise validate invalid accusations on her part). I am getting upset, too, so I am taking a break. I will be back in 20 minutes, and we can try to discuss this then. You are important to me, and your feelings are important. I will be back." Then I leave, and I make certain I return in 20 minutes. I don't make any particular efforts to work out the upset unless it is something important to me. If my wife is better, great. If she is still angry and raging, I step out again. That's the basic process. Being consistent with the boundaries is very important. Initially, expect a lot of resistance to the boundary. Eventually, it becomes understood as part of life: if name calling or abuse starts, you will detach. My wife doesn't like it, but she also doesn't name call anymore when I do it. She knows I will be back. She gets validation for her feelings.

Does this help? Have you tried this? Keep reading the lessons here. They really are valuable.

[waverider]

To apologize is to own the behavior, to constantly be apologizing and owning bad behavior simply validates themselves as a bad person. They then spiral into the role of being bad and useless and why dont you leave me, depression etc.

When we own our own consequences we a far more condeming than any one else can be, and it eats away at us longer. To own things that we don't know how to control leaves us with a feeling of hopelessness.

Blocking and moving on is the only way to survive a behavior they struggle to change.

In short its a survival tool.

[Res170kb]

Res179kb,

To stop the bleeding, you are going to have to learn to take reaction out of your part of the equation. When that happens, the fuel for her reactions will be gone and the flames will die down eventually.

Here's a link to a communication tool specific to reacting/invalidating, https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating.

I have learned from repeated experience that to Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain (JADE) to my uBPDw only increases her anger, blame leading to verbal abusiveness. The more she came at me, the harder I would JADE. Mind you, this happened over time. Initially, I started validating the invalid, agreeing with everything she accused me of doing.

Don't JADE. It takes practice, but don't do it. I am willing to bet that you can tell within the first 30 seconds of a conversation with your wife whether or not it is going to tank. I am also willing to bet that those conversations continue despite your fervent wish and best efforts to end them peacefully. Don't JADE; don't fuel the fire. For people with BPD, feelings=facts. Driven by emotions, anything that contradicts those emotions is taken as invalidating the facts of their world, which accelerates those emotions. Your wife can't control it. But, as partners, we can help by not making it worse.

Not JADEing is difficult. The only way that I was able to start was by starting with a boundary. When conversations with my wife devolved into name calling and abuse, I removed myself from her presence. Is that something that you can do? My standard response to my wife now is, "I can see that you are upset/angry/sad (Note: I don't state that I upset her or otherwise validate invalid accusations on her part). I am getting upset, too, so I am taking a break. I will be back in 20 minutes, and we can try to discuss this then. You are important to me, and your feelings are important. I will be back." Then I leave, and I make certain I return in 20 minutes. I don't make any particular efforts to work out the upset unless it is something important to me. If my wife is better, great. If she is still angry and raging, I step out again. That's the basic process. Being consistent with the boundaries is very important. Initially, expect a lot of resistance to the boundary. Eventually, it becomes understood as part of life: if name calling or abuse starts, you will detach. My wife doesn't like it, but she also doesn't name call anymore when I do it. She knows I will be back. She gets validation for her feelings.

Does this help? Have you tried this? Keep reading the lessons here. They really are valuable.

Thank you. Yes, it is helpful. All our communication right now is via text and you would think it would be easy to walk away but it's not. She hits every sore spot until she gets a reaction. I'm having a hard time with coming up with a walk away text when she's being abusive, but yours seems perfect so I will try. She is relentless sometimes.

[waverider]

I'm having a hard time with coming up with a walk away text when she's being abusive, 

I turn the phone off. Hits the fan at first. Do it enough times and the message gets through. Trying to have the last say will cause an escalation to an even worst place until something snaps in you.

You have probably taught her to expect an instant response. Hence reactive convos by txt rather than sending thought out messages. Start by slowing your response time to text messages. This will lesson the inconvenience and hence your frustration and resentment, along with temptation to be reactive.

You will see texting to a recurring destructive theme in BPD relationships

Waverider