Encounter with my exgf 42 days after bu

[simpleman]

Hi All,

I have posted before but here's a quick summary. I am 42 days LC after a 7 mo relationship with my uBPDexgf which I had to leave. I had mentally and physically wasted away to nothing. We had one recycle 1.5 months prior to the breakup. I cannot go full NC because we work together. She made it a point to come to my part of the building right after the bu to wear her happy mask but after a couple weeks that mostly tapered off .  I don't make eye contact unless we have business to do together and I remain very professional and unemotional.  She did a few other things to hurt me like start hanging out with a guy who had a crush on her while we were together.

We had one encounter a couple weeks ago at a retirement party. She was one of the organizers. She approached me to say hi and i told her good job. Later as I left I said goodbye and she looked soo sad and upset.  A few days later she came up to me in the hall while I was talking to someone and said "nice shirt" while pointing and almost touching my chest. Its one she bought me.  

Anyway yesterday she came to my office to deliver some papers and asked me how I was doing. I told her "taking things a day at a time, sometimes a minute at a time, you know?". She said " you did the right thing simpleman.  For real ". I didn't know what to say so I paused and said " ok". We looked at each other for a while then she started to tear up and left quickly.

I just went numb. I didn't (don't) know what to think.  My mind started going through all the things like hey maybe she has seen the light and theres a chance for us.  I am very much the rescuer/codependent.  Then I'm feeling angry for what she did and want to tell her that. Anyway I was all over the place an it felt a little bit like breaking up all over again. I reached out by email to my T in a panic and she basically said stay the course you will get through it.

Then last night I got an email from her letting me know that my cell bill had gone to her house and she would bring it to me tomorrow. She started the email using a pet name she had for me.  I told her sorry that didn't get forwarded. Then told her that I pay that bill online so she didn't need to bring it and could just shred it.  I thanked her.  She did not reply.

Today I took a mental health day from work.  That is rare for me to do that.

I am trying to get my mind right again. I had some days in there where I felt pretty good. Some where I felt indifferent to the whole thing - what I imagine I will feel he when I am "over it"

Looking for thoughts, advice, encouragement, etc.

Thanks so much.

[McGahee21]

maybe you can give it another run?  idk

if you are still in love with her, than i would.  jmo

[Deeno02]

as always, its your choice and your choice alone. Personally, I wouldnt. I was destroyed by my gf after a 16 month r/s and its been 8 months out now and I could never do it again. Never.

[simpleman]

Hi,

I didn't think to include there is that part of me that wants to go back but when I put myself there in my mind my gut says NO WAY!  Plus my T would kill me... .

I guess my mind and heart are kind of messed up right now because I feel the encounter took me back some steps

Man I wish there was a way to go full NC.  I can really see a the value in that. I don't hate her but I want to heal.

[Deeno02]

I know. Its bad enough I have to see her 2-3 times a week as she is my sons coach, but I come to the game, watch my son and bail as quick as I can. No contact.

[maxen]

hi simpleman.

Today I took a mental health day from work.

well i can understand that!

you seem to have the right understanding of NC - that it's for your own sake. it must be hard indeed to have to deal with your ex at work. if you want to return - and as everyone said, it's up to you - remember why you left, and do you see anything in your ex that would suggest a change in her patterns of behavior? not in her demeanor, but in her patterns of behavior?

Plus my T would kill me... .

[simpleman]

I doubt anything would be different. But my mind and heart still battle over that. I actually have had the right mindset most of the time until yesterday.

I also have this urge to ask her what she meant by I did the right thing. I know that would be more contact so not a good idea. I also wonder if I would even get the truth and I fear she will give an answer that hurts. Not necessarily in a mean way but a sad way. I don't need any more sad.

[maxen]

I also have this urge to ask her what she meant by I did the right thing. I know that would be more contact so not a good idea. I also wonder if I would even get the truth and I fear she will give an answer that hurts.

i think you're exactly right on all those points. there was in me, at least, a tremendous urge to have closure, or explanation, but i learned quickly that every approach was only one more opportunity for her to go into victim mode, and that only added to my pain and anger too.

[jhkbuzz]

I doubt anything would be different. But my mind and heart still battle over that. I actually have had the right mindset most of the time until yesterday.

I also have this urge to ask her what she meant by I did the right thing. I know that would be more contact so not a good idea. I also wonder if I would even get the truth and I fear she will give an answer that hurts. Not necessarily in a mean way but a sad way. I don't need any more sad.

This is what you said in your very first post to these boards:

"The relationship had eroded me emotionally and physically to the point where I couldn't function."

Do you think she has changed/healed?  If you do, do you think it's possible that you're engaging in some magical thinking?

[Gonzalo]

I think you've still got a lot of that wishful thinking going on, where you just know that your love is going to magically make all of her problems go away somehow. You have to remember just how much the relationship was tearing you apart, and that you probably won't survive and/or stay sane if you keep going back to it. By the time I actually split I had come to terms with this, but just in case I took a picture of the birthday cake she threw in the sink during the final breakup to remind me of what I was leaving behind. As painful as it is, you may need to keep something that you can use to remember 'oh yes, that was a really terrible time' when you get tempted to come back.

As far as interpreting her statement, I find it's best to take anything they say to you either at face value or with an extremely positive spin. You can't really know if they're trying to manipulate or hurt you since they probably don't even know, and it just makes things worse for you if you try to read some terrible meaning or masterful manipulation behind the words. Take what she said as being the truth, that the non-disordered part of her realizes the relationship was eroding you to the point where you couldn't function, and that she does care for you, even if she can't express it in a non-broken way when you're together.

[patientandclear]

In line with the last post: there's a huge difference btwn a momentary recognition that there is something wrong with their emotional processing (which is a lot to read into your ex's comment, even), and an ability to change such entrenched coping mechanisms and defenses. They are there for a reason and it takes profound, brave, dedicated effort to let them go.

I think it makes sense to accept her gesture for what it was: some acknowledgement that you mean a lot and that it's messed up. Of course she wants continued contact with you. But it will come with control mechanisms that are quite hurtful as you have experienced before.

It's tough to accept that all these things are true simultaneously.

[simpleman]

Thanks so much everybody.  Extremely helpful as usual.  It's so nice to have all of you who can see things from the outside when I can't.

With what I have learned here and after working with my T, we have decided that it would be best to ask her for no personal contact.  To communicate as co-workers only.