The cruel irony of BPD

[Infern0]

It had puzzled me this time, particularly as one of my friends who is very close to her informed me that at almost a month out I haven't been replaced.

I was surprised when she started distancing again, and bummed out. I'd spent a hell of a lot of effort resolving my codependency issues and becoming a stronger,  healthier and better person.

While she was with my original replacement,  the beta codependent type, She was looking over at me and seeing the growth and change in me.  The times we were meeting up I was handling my business like a man and to be honest I felt I had her in the palm of my hand, I let her chase,  I was unavailable and the times I spent with her I was in charge and left her wanting more.

I told her to leave her boyfriend and she did. Things were great, we had no arguments or strife, she didn't rage at me even once and she treated me with respect.

Privately I was still slipping back and forth between codependency traits but I never let her see any of that, and when she started to distance I pretty much just let her go. There was no real fight from me.

Almost 30 days out and I feel fine. Sure occasionally I slip into missing her but it's NOTHING compared to before I worked On my own issues.

Not to offend anyone but I was talking to some people on this site at 1-2 weeks out and I realized that I was nowhere near the state they were in. I think my BPD ex realized that she didn't really have much power over me anymore and she ran off.

It's funny, I am not bitter towards her in fact I'm great full.  She was in my life for a year and at the end of that year I'm such a different person, so much stronger and better off than I was.  She came into my life and taught me basically everything I was doing wrong and now she's gone I'm ready to move forward and start living a good life.

It's not ego talking to say that she really has missed out,  she's not going to be around to see any of this,  everything we went through taught me so much but not her, she's going back to the personal hell she resides in after pushing me out of mine.

I feel sorry for her, she's anorexic to the point she had a tube up her nose last month being force fed,  she's ruining her internal organs,  she lost her job, started cutting again the list goes on. We really aren't compatible.

I dunno it's just a shame,  I came out of this a better man and she's back at square one.  It just sucks

[JohnLove]

Inferno... .personal hell. There lies irony.  

I might suggest that you are one of the "luckier" ones. You were shown a powerful lesson and you had the wherewithal to go with it. You have evolved into someone better.

Congratulations to you.

It may take forever for your ex to develop this trait. That's the sad part.

[FannyB]

Inferno: We can all emerge better people from our BPD experience - it just takes some longer than others. It's important though for anybody to be able to be able to make it on their own. If you're happy with your own company then you are more likely to make good choices regarding potential partners as you're not driven by the desperate need to find a mate. Glad that your taking a positive view on your failed relationship and not being consumed by bitterness. 

[drummerboy]

I hear you Inferno. I'm at the point now that I can say that my r/s with my ex (BPD) was the most important, life changing r/s of my life. The personal growth is has been the catalyst for is amazing. Indirectly she also made me a better dad as I saw first hand how her mum had messed her up and I am doing the opposite as a dad now. Indirectly she introduced me to Buddhist teachings which I'd always been curious about and that is the path I am now on. I actually think it was a blessing that she came into my life. There is a buddhist teaching that talks about "Only when you are cornered do you see things clearly" That is how I now think of the r/s and my life. I'm so happy with the person I am becoming and it never would have happened if she hadn't come into my life! I don't know what she is doing these days but I hope she got even a fraction of the benefits that I got from the r/s!

[FlyingAway]

Indirectly she introduced me to Buddhist teachings which I'd always been curious about and that is the path I am now on. I actually think it was a blessing that she came into my life.

Same here, Drummerboy. Meditation and therapy (revealing emotional issues buried since childhood) have brought me to a place where I'm stronger now than I have been throughout much of my life. Being fully, quietly present with myself has been a gift. I could not have come to this place without the pain and suffering that I endured with my xBPD. Still working on it, but by the grace of daily meditation, my mind has become much more at peace.

[Reforming]

Hi Infrared

Thanks for sharing. It really helps to hear how others have learned from their relationships experienced and moved forward

"It had puzzled me this time, particularly as one of my friends who is very close to her informed me that at almost a month out I haven't been replaced.

I was surprised when she started distancing again, and bummed out. I'd spent a hell of a lot of effort resolving my codependency issues and becoming a stronger,  healthier and better person."

I can imagine it must be hard when you do the work, and she isn't willing to work herself. It's sad letting someone go. I think that by working on yourself that you've built a foundation for your own health and happiness that will stand you in good stead for the rest of your life

"While she was with my original replacement,  the beta codependent type, She was looking over at me and seeing the growth and change in me.  The times we were meeting up I was handling my business like a man and to be honest I felt I had her in the palm of my hand, I let her chase,  I was unavailable and the times I spent with her I was in charge and left her wanting more."

Personally I'm very wary of the terms Alpha and Beta  types. My ex used this terminology a lot and I think many of so called Alphas can be high on the narcissistic spectrum. After I ended my relationship with my ex she became very submissive and clinging - seeking to reestablish our connection. When I look back now I can see that her desire to reengage was driving by her feeling abandoned and not about me or our relationship. Perhaps I could have sustained it for longer if I was unavailable, but what's the point in that? Would you really want to be in a relationship where you have to appear unavailable?

"Not to offend anyone but I was talking to some people on this site at 1-2 weeks out and I realized that I was nowhere near the state they were in. I think my BPD ex realized that she didn't really have much power over me anymore and she ran off."

I think our recovery varies hugely depending on multiple factors. The length of our relationship, our own issues and our willingness to work on ourselves. Everyone is different, but for me recovering has been a series of cycles. At times I feel very detached and periodically I've had relapses. The important thing is not get angry with yourself when this happens and focus on trying to move forward.

"It's not ego talking to say that she really has missed out,  she's not going to be around to see any of this,  everything we went through taught me so much but not her, she's going back to the personal hell she resides in after pushing me out of mine."

I know what you mean, but I think that as you become even more distanced you'll care less and less about what she feels or thinks about you and your progress. What do you think you were missing out by being with her?

"I feel sorry for her, she's anorexic to the point she had a tube up her nose last month being force fed,  she's ruining her internal organs,  she lost her job, started cutting again the list goes on. We really aren't compatible.

I dunno it's just a shame,  I came out of this a better man and she's back at square one.  It just sucks"  

I completely agree. It's hugely sad. I also found it very hard to accept that I was powerless to change my ex even no matter how much I might have wanted to. It's even harder to accept that trying just makes things worse for them and you.

Good post and thanks for sharing

Reforming

[BorisAcusio]

I'm glad you're making progress. Infern0.

While she was with my original replacement,  the beta codependent type

I guess that would makes us the alpha codependent type replacement? These labels are only good for showing contempt and splitting black someone who's most likely just as hurt and bewildered like any member here.

Letting go also means *letting go of the outcome of the Borderline’s attachments*.  This is especially painful as jealousy can be when thinking about the other woman involved and your comparison to her.   There are ALWAYS other people involved when you are with a Borderline. The disorder demands that they compulsively line up BENCHWARMERS. The fantasy is that everyone thinks they are a starting quarterback only to find out that someone else is in the game (that you may have never even heard of before) Meanwhile you’ve been eyeing someone else as a rival who was being played just like you are.

[Gonzalo]

While she was with my original replacement,  the beta codependent type

I guess that would makes us the alpha codependent type replacement? These labels are only good for showing contempt and splitting black someone who's most likely just as hurt and bewildered like any member here.

Especially since the old studies about wolf behavior where people get the Alpha/Beta terms from have been debunked and even the researcher who wrote the original papers doesn't think they're a valid model anymore. Plus all that the actual 'Alpha' meant in the study is that you're good at breeding in a prison-like environment, which doesn't fit with the whole "I'm an alpha, look at these wimpy betas" rhetoric people like to use.