Not sure how to title this

[confusedinWI]

This is the only forum where I feel people understand the same things I'm going through. I'd like to ask a question about sex regarding thinking of it in the past with your ex, and how to stop thinking and wondering about what they are doing with someone else.

My ex gf and I dated for two years, lived together for seven months. Unlike a lot of others on this board, she didn't stop having sex with me once she hooked me. Rather our sex life stayed pretty consistent. I had the very vanilla marriage in terms of sex. Maybe once a month with ex wife. That lasted for eleven years.

My ex gf comes along, we get talking, spill our souls (or her interviewing me to use my likes against me) and blammo all the desires I hadn't experienced I get to experience with her. We had a very open and healthy sex life. Sexting, talking dirty, open experiences in the bedroom, it was quite amazing. Of course I got the usual "you are the best sex I ever had" but hey I was involved too so I'm going to believe her :-)

Throughout the relationship she never withheld sex from me. I always felt she had the same sex drive as me. Heck on the second date we had sex (Yes I know now that any woman that will have sex with you on the second date has probably had sex with others on the second date). As much as it hurts my ego maybe I wasn't as special as she was saying. She was saying this to validate her feelings and mine.

Heck the day before we broke up for good we had sex. It was, unfortunately now, the best sex I ever had. Too me it was also because of the intimacy involved. We could have sex, then cuddle for the rest of the night, or she would spoon me and my heart rate would literally calm down. I never felt so connected to another woman. Of course I loved it when she would tell me how sexy I looked, or when she would surprise me after a long day of work she'd be dressed up in nice lingerie. There are many times she said I'm so happy to do this for you, yada yada yada. 

I'm starting to clear the fog from a lot of things, all the walking on eggshells I had to go through, the way my kids walked on eggshells on the nights they were over etc.

But I've found myself really missing the sex right now. I'm three months removed from the break up. The thought of having sex with another woman depresses me right now. I still find my ex so attractive. I absolutely loved her body, and I know the way I appreciated it and would spend so much time exploring it she said no one has ever done that.

I need to learn how to stop with these thoughts. I tell myself now that sex with her would be like having sex with a prostitute. You don't want that. I know she had sex before me, but now realistically knowing she's already had sex with her new man, ugh grosses me out.

At least her new man is a huge downgrade from me, at first that made me feel happy but now not so much. I feel if I could stop fantasizing about the sex life I had with her I would make leaps and bounds.

Then there are some nights I think what is she doing with the new man now. Is she wearing that special lingerie she got for our two year anniversary. Worse is she telling him the same things she told me.

I'll be 38 next month. I know I want an active healthy sex life in the future. I hate that I feel like I'm on the shelf right now while she's back on the horse with the new man she was texting before I even moved out.

I'm afraid I'll not find another woman as attractive as her. I've had friends say her looks are a 5 at best but to me she was a ten. I'm afraid of not having that "spark" with anyone again.

I also miss how she would send me random messages saying she couldn't wait for me to get home. Heck I would've traded our three times a week to once a week for the rest of the package to be there.

How can I get over this?

[zundertowz]

This is the only forum where I feel people understand the same things I'm going through. I'd like to ask a question about sex regarding thinking of it in the past with your ex, and how to stop thinking and wondering about what they are doing with someone else.

My ex gf and I dated for two years, lived together for seven months. Unlike a lot of others on this board, she didn't stop having sex with me once she hooked me. Rather our sex life stayed pretty consistent. I had the very vanilla marriage in terms of sex. Maybe once a month with ex wife. That lasted for eleven years.

My ex gf comes along, we get talking, spill our souls (or her interviewing me to use my likes against me) and blammo all the desires I hadn't experienced I get to experience with her. We had a very open and healthy sex life. Sexting, talking dirty, open experiences in the bedroom, it was quite amazing. Of course I got the usual "you are the best sex I ever had" but hey I was involved too so I'm going to believe her :-)

Throughout the relationship she never withheld sex from me. I always felt she had the same sex drive as me. Heck on the second date we had sex (Yes I know now that any woman that will have sex with you on the second date has probably had sex with others on the second date). As much as it hurts my ego maybe I wasn't as special as she was saying. She was saying this to validate her feelings and mine.

Heck the day before we broke up for good we had sex. It was, unfortunately now, the best sex I ever had. Too me it was also because of the intimacy involved. We could have sex, then cuddle for the rest of the night, or she would spoon me and my heart rate would literally calm down. I never felt so connected to another woman. Of course I loved it when she would tell me how sexy I looked, or when she would surprise me after a long day of work she'd be dressed up in nice lingerie. There are many times she said I'm so happy to do this for you, yada yada yada. 

I'm starting to clear the fog from a lot of things, all the walking on eggshells I had to go through, the way my kids walked on eggshells on the nights they were over etc.

But I've found myself really missing the sex right now. I'm three months removed from the break up. The thought of having sex with another woman depresses me right now. I still find my ex so attractive. I absolutely loved her body, and I know the way I appreciated it and would spend so much time exploring it she said no one has ever done that.

I need to learn how to stop with these thoughts. I tell myself now that sex with her would be like having sex with a prostitute. You don't want that. I know she had sex before me, but now realistically knowing she's already had sex with her new man, ugh grosses me out.

At least her new man is a huge downgrade from me, at first that made me feel happy but now not so much. I feel if I could stop fantasizing about the sex life I had with her I would make leaps and bounds.

Then there are some nights I think what is she doing with the new man now. Is she wearing that special lingerie she got for our two year anniversary. Worse is she telling him the same things she told me.

I'll be 38 next month. I know I want an active healthy sex life in the future. I hate that I feel like I'm on the shelf right now while she's back on the horse with the new man she was texting before I even moved out.

I'm afraid I'll not find another woman as attractive as her. I've had friends say her looks are a 5 at best but to me she was a ten. I'm afraid of not having that "spark" with anyone again.

I also miss how she would send me random messages saying she couldn't wait for me to get home. Heck I would've traded our three times a week to once a week for the rest of the package to be there.

How can I get over this?

My ex was hyper sexual... .early on it was a turn on and I guess its most mens dream but for me It became a turnoff.  It was just vulgar sexual references constantly ... .Im pretty sure her b___ing at me like she was my mother was a huge turnoff also. LOL  I guess the high sex drive didnt make up for the psychotic personatlity for me.  But im sure there are plenty of men out there willing to put up with her for the sex... .at least for a period of time.  Me personally ill take a healthy relationship with average sex. ... .

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I'm afraid of not having that "spark" with anyone again.

I have stayed in many a r/s far too long for fear that I would never find anyone that "good" again.  My marriage lasted ten years... .about 9.5 years longer than it should have.  Even at the end I was afraid of losing the great sexual connection.

I have had the same fear about each and every r/s since then.  Fear that I will "never have it so good again."  

I don't have a crystal ball so I guess my fears could be right (though they haven't been right thus far... .the sex has continued to improve... .maybe b/c I've improve with age, experience, confidence).  

But what I really imagine and really aspire to on the other side of this disastrous r/s with my UxBPDbf is a TRULY loving and intimate r/s.  For me that will include a very satisfying sex life.  I am unlikely to partner with someone for whom sex is not important, expressive and fun.  This is fact-based.  Not fear based.  

Sure, I could end up with a crummy sex life.  But I could also end up with a GREAT SEX LIFE WITH A GREAT PARTNER WITH WHOM I SHARE LOVE, TRUST, RESPECT, etc.  I am not willing to settle for what I had out of fear.  I'll take my chances and see what happens.

What say you, confusedinWI?

[enlighten me]

One thing ive realised is that even though I thought the sex was great looking back it wasnt. I now see it as very one sided. Even when it was about me (which wasnt very oten) it was to hook me not to please me. By the end I felt as if I was just there for her satisfaction and it didnt actually matter if it was me or a random stranger as long as she got her fix.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

One thing ive realised is that even though I thought the sex was great looking back it wasnt. I now see it as very one sided. Even when it was about me (which wasnt very oten) it was to hook me not to please me. By the end I felt as if I was just there for her satisfaction and it didnt actually matter if it was me or a random stranger as long as she got her fix.

Good point.  The very last time I was with my ex, afterwards I sent him a text that said "that felt amazingly empty."  By then, it was definitely feeling like it wasn't about connection and intimacy.  

Good reminder.  Thanks, enlighten me!

[zundertowz]

One thing ive realised is that even though I thought the sex was great looking back it wasnt. I now see it as very one sided. Even when it was about me (which wasnt very oten) it was to hook me not to please me. By the end I felt as if I was just there for her satisfaction and it didnt actually matter if it was me or a random stranger as long as she got her fix.

I totally get this... .the sex wasnt intimate in anyway... .it was basically pornstar sex.  

[confusedinWI]

I'm afraid of not having that "spark" with anyone again.

I have stayed in many a r/s far too long for fear that I would never find anyone that "good" again.  My marriage lasted ten years... .about 9.5 years longer than it should have.  Even at the end I was afraid of losing the great sexual connection.

I have had the same fear about each and every r/s since then.  Fear that I will "never have it so good again."  

I don't have a crystal ball so I guess my fears could be right (though they haven't been right thus far... .the sex has continued to improve... .maybe b/c I've improve with age, experience, confidence).  

But what I really imagine and really aspire to on the other side of this disastrous r/s with my UxBPDbf is a TRULY loving and intimate r/s.  For me that will include a very satisfying sex life.  I am unlikely to partner with someone for whom sex is not important, expressive and fun.  This is fact-based.  Not fear based.  

Sure, I could end up with a crummy sex life.  But I could also end up with a GREAT SEX LIFE WITH A GREAT PARTNER WITH WHOM I SHARE LOVE, TRUST, RESPECT, etc.  I am not willing to settle for what I had out of fear.  I'll take my chances and see what happens.

What say you, confusedinWI?

I always initially told my ex that I wanted the type of relationship that if god forbid something happened where we couldn't have the traditional intercourse due to a medical occurrence, but could still express affection that's the type of relationship I wanted. Of course she said yes, in order to hook me further.

Yes I'm also to, at the age of 37, not going to allow myself to be in a relationship where the other person is not willing to have a fun, open, fulfilling sex life. I had the vanilla sex life in my marriage, no thank you. To me that is important. Like I said before, I would've traded the three times a week to once a week with my ex if the other things were true like they were in the beginning. one of my love languages is affection. I love the hugs, the kisses, the holding hands, the grabbing of the butts (especially when they wear the favorite jeans). I had nicknames for her bodyparts. I loved telling her how much I loved her whole body, not just the parts that most men go for. God she had some amazing legs though. She is 5'10 and had stems for days! I miss having those drapsed over my lap though while watching tv.

But yes, unlike her I'm not willing to just jump into something else when I'm not ready In order to fulfill this one desire. I know how much I was able to love her, and I want the real thing next time.

I read a great quote, that as a recovering nice guy means a lot to me. "A nice guy is not willing to put in the hard work. They want immediate gratification. A man is willing to sacrifice short term happiness for long term success."

Plus to stroke my ego, I saw a picture of her new man with her, he's got about 70 pounds on me. So I'm sure she will have to put on a really great acting performance when she says "you are the sexiest man ever"

She used to always get so google eyed and smile when I took off my shirt. She said wherever we went she felt like she was the luckiest woman to have me on her arm. That felt good! Heck even a week after we broke up I sent her a picture of me topless after working out and she said "Your chest looks so ripped." Felt good.

Maybe the new man is getting the loving, but that's okay because I was told when you are done playing with your used toys give them to the less fortunate!

[Sunfl0wer]

There was a comfort for me being with my ex that was like no other... .that brought out my/our best sexually.

Our experiences, for me, were unique.  I miss that greatly.  I wonder if I can ever have that again with another.

Then I think... .part of what helped me come out of my shell, was likely his times of idealization.  Even if I wasn't at the moment painted white... .during intimate times... .I felt a different comfort with him.  Was it because he wasn't really judging and looking? (B/c of his self centeredness?). Idk... .I don't care!

What if I actually felt that secure and confident?  On my own!  (As it was when I was being painted all white) Wouldn't that just be more authentic?  More amazing?  Idk... .wishful thinking?  I hope not!

Maybe?

[DyingLove]

Okay, here comes the twist. I am trying to word this nicely, so I may be clumbsy.

With the photo and video capabilities of todays newer phones and electronics, did anyone bother to immortalize any of the events that were so fulfilling in their sexual adventures?

[confusedinWI]

Okay, here comes the twist. I am trying to word this nicely, so I may be clumbsy.

With the photo and video capabilities of todays newer phones and electronics, did anyone bother to immortalize any of the events that were so fulfilling in their sexual adventures?

It's funny for our two year anniversary (which happened a month before we broke up) I came home from work and she was dressed up in an overcoat, and sexy fishnet stockings and nice lingerie. She handed me her camera and said she wanted me to be the photographer. Man that was a great night. Unfortunately the one picture she gave me from that night she took back when we broke up. The other naughty pictures she sent me I deleted from my phone.

However I was thinking back a couple nights ago with her camera I bought for her for Christmas she took some quasi racy pictures of me, I never knew what she did with them. I wonder if she kept them. I would've said no, but knowing now that she also has a few photos still left behind of facebook of us, I wonder what she did with them.

Hmm... .maybe she looks because her new man is a LOT heavier than me. I'm not GQ man but I'm 6'1 and 225 with just a tiny tummy. He looks to be close to 300 and he was the quickest solution to get over me.

Makes me wonder you know

[DyingLove]

Okay, here comes the twist. I am trying to word this nicely, so I may be clumbsy.

With the photo and video capabilities of todays newer phones and electronics, did anyone bother to immortalize any of the events that were so fulfilling in their sexual adventures?

It's funny for our two year anniversary (which happened a month before we broke up) I came home from work and she was dressed up in an overcoat, and sexy fishnet stockings and nice lingerie. She handed me her camera and said she wanted me to be the photographer. Man that was a great night. Unfortunately the one picture she gave me from that night she took back when we broke up. The other naughty pictures she sent me I deleted from my phone.

However I was thinking back a couple nights ago with her camera I bought for her for Christmas she took some quasi racy pictures of me, I never knew what she did with them. I wonder if she kept them. I would've said no, but knowing now that she also has a few photos still left behind of facebook of us, I wonder what she did with them.

Hmm... .maybe she looks because her new man is a LOT heavier than me. I'm not GQ man but I'm 6'1 and 225 with just a tiny tummy. He looks to be close to 300 and he was the quickest solution to get over me.

Makes me wonder you know

Don't let weight fool you.  We don't know exactly what they see anyway. I'm not slim and neither was she.  But sex was good. Being a good lover is very important, and I went out of my way ALWAYS to make her, ahem, smile.

[confusedinWI]

Okay, here comes the twist. I am trying to word this nicely, so I may be clumbsy.

With the photo and video capabilities of todays newer phones and electronics, did anyone bother to immortalize any of the events that were so fulfilling in their sexual adventures?

It's funny for our two year anniversary (which happened a month before we broke up) I came home from work and she was dressed up in an overcoat, and sexy fishnet stockings and nice lingerie. She handed me her camera and said she wanted me to be the photographer. Man that was a great night. Unfortunately the one picture she gave me from that night she took back when we broke up. The other naughty pictures she sent me I deleted from my phone.

However I was thinking back a couple nights ago with her camera I bought for her for Christmas she took some quasi racy pictures of me, I never knew what she did with them. I wonder if she kept them. I would've said no, but knowing now that she also has a few photos still left behind of facebook of us, I wonder what she did with them.

Hmm... .maybe she looks because her new man is a LOT heavier than me. I'm not GQ man but I'm 6'1 and 225 with just a tiny tummy. He looks to be close to 300 and he was the quickest solution to get over me.

Makes me wonder you know

Don't let weight fool you.  We don't know exactly what they see anyway. I'm not slim and neither was she.  But sex was good. Being a good lover is very important, and I went out of my way ALWAYS to make her, ahem, smile.

I totally went out of my way to be a good lover, sometimes so much to the point that she would be begging for me to stop so she could make me feel some pleasure. I really truly loved her body, all of it. I know weight's not an issue. I guess my point was more of when her and I were together we both really enjoyed working out together, pushed each other to work out together, did my first 5k with her, she would make me healthy meals. We bought fitbit bands together and had competition on tracking steps. Things like that. She always made reference how she liked my body, and I loved hers as well. She is not model skinny, she is a healthy weight with some curves. She always told me how she thought I was the most attractive man ever, and people would just comment to her how attractive I was. We were called the GQ couple at her work Christmas parties. It just seems that in order to have someone to be there for her right away she sacrificed what she likes in looks. Maybe I need to believe this for my ego. I'm not too sure.

I'm feeling pretty down right now. I'd love one more of those normal nights again with her but I know that will never happen. She is going to get progressively worse as she gets older, especially if she leaves the drinking unchecked.

I worry though will I ever be that attracted to someone again. I feel like when she was getting to know all about me she used my interests and wants in the romance department against me. I hope it doesn't derail me for good. She had a tattoo that I always told her I was happy knowing I'd be the last man to see, guess I was wrong about that.

Just seems weird but again I don't know what she sees if its more just that someone is there to fulfill her attention needs. Who knows. I know I loved her the best I could.

[zundertowz]

Okay, here comes the twist. I am trying to word this nicely, so I may be clumbsy.

With the photo and video capabilities of todays newer phones and electronics, did anyone bother to immortalize any of the events that were so fulfilling in their sexual adventures?

It's funny for our two year anniversary (which happened a month before we broke up) I came home from work and she was dressed up in an overcoat, and sexy fishnet stockings and nice lingerie. She handed me her camera and said she wanted me to be the photographer. Man that was a great night. Unfortunately the one picture she gave me from that night she took back when we broke up. The other naughty pictures she sent me I deleted from my phone.

However I was thinking back a couple nights ago with her camera I bought for her for Christmas she took some quasi racy pictures of me, I never knew what she did with them. I wonder if she kept them. I would've said no, but knowing now that she also has a few photos still left behind of facebook of us, I wonder what she did with them.

Hmm... .maybe she looks because her new man is a LOT heavier than me. I'm not GQ man but I'm 6'1 and 225 with just a tiny tummy. He looks to be close to 300 and he was the quickest solution to get over me.

Makes me wonder you know

Don't let weight fool you.  We don't know exactly what they see anyway. I'm not slim and neither was she.  But sex was good. Being a good lover is very important, and I went out of my way ALWAYS to make her, ahem, smile.

I totally went out of my way to be a good lover, sometimes so much to the point that she would be begging for me to stop so she could make me feel some pleasure. I really truly loved her body, all of it. I know weight's not an issue. I guess my point was more of when her and I were together we both really enjoyed working out together, pushed each other to work out together, did my first 5k with her, she would make me healthy meals. We bought fitbit bands together and had competition on tracking steps. Things like that. She always made reference how she liked my body, and I loved hers as well. She is not model skinny, she is a healthy weight with some curves. She always told me how she thought I was the most attractive man ever, and people would just comment to her how attractive I was. We were called the GQ couple at her work Christmas parties. It just seems that in order to have someone to be there for her right away she sacrificed what she likes in looks. Maybe I need to believe this for my ego. I'm not too sure.

I'm feeling pretty down right now. I'd love one more of those normal nights again with her but I know that will never happen. She is going to get progressively worse as she gets older, especially if she leaves the drinking unchecked.

I worry though will I ever be that attracted to someone again. I feel like when she was getting to know all about me she used my interests and wants in the romance department against me. I hope it doesn't derail me for good. She had a tattoo that I always told her I was happy knowing I'd be the last man to see, guess I was wrong about that.

Just seems weird but again I don't know what she sees if its more just that someone is there to fulfill her attention needs. Who knows. I know I loved her the best I could.

BPDs pretty much mirror there partners life styles... .while she may have been into fitness with you she probably is just as happy being lazy with her new partner saying how shallow it is to care about fitness and looks that much... .at least thats what I saw in my ex looking back.

[starshine]

Time will get you over this.

My uBPD ex was the best lover I ever had.  All the time, from the very first time, which was the second date.  I would plead ignorance, but we had known each other for about 3 years, with a little bit of kissy-face fun time before we hooked up.  It's been difficult not to think of him.  I've had a few, (3) short term f*ck buddies, and that has helped fuel the fantasies with other characters.  So has reading good smut.  I have found it really difficult to get out there and date, though.  I'm almost ready.  Meeting a new man tomorrow for a walk and a cup of hot beverage fun.  Wish me luck.

[dagwoodbowser]

I'm a couple of months heads up on you... .this discussion should help.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=274226.0

[confusedinWI]

I read how a lot of people say that they know they will never have the intensity of the sex again like they had with the borderline and they are okay with it. I get the lack of intimacy.

Maybe I'm still to fresh to look at it, or I've not completely come out of the FOG  but for me I had the intensity with her, and the intimacy. I never got the "empty stare" from her when it came to sex. I was 35 when we started dating and there were things still on my bucket list. She loved to cross them off.

However, what I don't miss what the emotional ups and downs... .maybe that does tie into the intimacy. One week I could hug and kiss her when I walked out the door, say I love you and it was returned. The next week if I said I loved you, I was being needy. I don't miss that. I'm a very affectionate person, not just sex but holding hands, hugging, cuddling, etc.

She was super good about the cuddling, I miss that a lot.

I'm trying to dissect this. A lot of our sex was more the physically intense sex, with a few of the more slow making love sessions. I always wondered about that in the back of my mind. There were also sometimes where it seemed like foreplay was not an option, we would start to kiss, then she would just take my hand to take my to the bedroom, and we would go at it.

I'm honestly worried about opening up to someone again. I've got a healthy sexual appetite, and I worry that if I'm with someone again do normal people also have healthy appetites? I hope for more clarity at the time gets further on.