what are you struggling with after the BU?

[dobie]

For me the hardest thing to get over is the "what could have been" we were about to buy a house , get married , go traveling and at some point have kids at 37 now those or most of those things are out of my reach or feel to be esp considering my economic circumstances post BU .

I feel ashamed

I feel like a failure

I feel ugly , old and unnatractive

I feel like a loser

I feel like its my fault mostly

I feel like I'm not good enough this was a common theme I picked up from her and her BPD/aspd father as soon as she introduced him into our lives and started to triangulate because I'm not an investment banker or rock star / business owner or whatever else they and her think she deserves

She was highly successful and attractive and eight years younger I feel like I had no right to her as I am 37 not highly successful and average in looks (though family and friends all tell me she was not all that and I'm better looking) it does not feel that way .


I can't understand how my closest best friend could have done this

I'm focussing on me as much as I can but these feelings and thoughts are what underlies the grief the longing and the sense of loss they go back to childhood and my own core trauma

[peacefulmind]

For me the hardest thing to get over is the "what could have been" we were about to buy a house , get married , go traveling and at some point have kids at 37 now those or most of those things are out of my reach or feel to be esp considering my economic circumstances post BU .

I feel ashamed

I feel like a failure

I feel ugly , old and unnatractive

I feel like a loser

I feel like its my fault mostly

I feel like I'm not good enough this was a common theme I picked up from her and her BPD/aspd father as soon as she introduced him into our lives and started to triangulate because I'm not an investment banker or rock star / business owner or whatever else they and her think she deserves

She was highly successful and attractive and eight years younger I feel like I had no right to her as I am 37 not highly successful and average in looks (though family and friends all tell me she was not all that and I'm better looking) it does not feel that way .


I can't understand how my closest best friend could have done this

I'm focussing on me as much as I can but these feelings and thoughts are what underlies the grief the longing and the sense of loss they go back to childhood and my own core trauma

I understand your pain, I too was victim to a superimposed "best friend" relationship with my ex-BPD, and one of the hardest things for me has been to accept that that was just another manipulative strategy to reel me in.

I feel ashamed - no reason to feel ashamed. Just like everyone else who have been in a BPD-relationship, the common denominator is that there is nothing any of us could have done to make it work. Triggers come in various forms, and the inevitable horrible truth is, that it was just a matter of time... .No reason to feel ashamed for having loved someone and cared for them with everything you had.

I feel like a failure - I did too. I felt like I had let myself and my ex-BPD down by having to walk out on a relationship that (I understand now) essentially was over long before I realised it. You are not the one who failed here. We can only do and give so much before it leads to the same result. Remember, as long as you gave it your best, you can't have failed. You just found a way that didn't work with your particular BPD.

I feel ugly , old and unnatractive - unfortunately, from what I've read, this is one of the ways that our perception changes throughout the course of a BPD-relationship. We have our self-esteem, our motivation, our will to love ourselves taken away from us due to the constant or gradual devaluation which ensues following the idealisation phase. Love yourself, love yourself for what you have done for your ex-SO and find peace in knowing that you couldn't have done more.

I feel like a loser - Refer to the above. Your perception of yourself is shattered, and you need to assert yourself and find those good parts of you that still remain. Personally, I had a very distinct part of my life that my ex-BPD was not at all interested in, and therefore remains the only thing I have to cling onto at this point, and I'm using it as my lifeline when things go to bad places for me.

I feel like its my fault mostly - Unless you truly believe that you did something that started it, there's no reason for you to go there. Search your feelings, find out if you were the problem. If you weren't, and if you realise that nothing you did ever made you deserve what you have been going through, cross this off of your list of self-inflicted pain. One of my friends told me at a point after the BU, that my ex-BPD is not even here anymore, any pain I feel now is caused by myself, not my ex. The perception of fault is deeply embedded in us, given the many times we've been wrongly accused, and this is something you have to work on within yourself. Forgive yourself.

I feel like I'm not good enough this was a common theme I picked up from her and her BPD/aspd father as soon as she introduced him into our lives and started to triangulate because I'm not an investment banker or rock star / business owner or whatever else they and her think she deserves. - This relates to the above, not feeling good enough and being at fault are two prevailing notions that exist following the emotional abuse you've suffered from. I will say it again, assert yourself. We are all who we are, and there should be no question about whether we're good enough or not. You are the person you are today because of your life events, and this is another life event that will shape you and arm you for future relationships with normal people, where you will find the right kind of mutual love and respect that you never experienced during your BPD-relationship.

Stay strong and work on your own boundaries. It is okay to feel the pain and process the terrible truth. Throughout this process, you will find yourself able to cross off some of these feelings you have, and start realising that you couldn't have done anything different. You can place a mouse in a maze to find the cheese, eventually they will find it and your efforts of preventing this would be in vain.

[Achaya]

I feel everything you listed, dobie. I think that pwBPD are attracted to those of us who internalize blame for relationship failures. It works really well for them, because they like to externalize their problems and blame others. I also feel like my ex dumped her abandonment experiences from her own life into me and then left me like a garbage can filled with her stuff, so she could walk away without it. Guess what, it won't work for her. So there is not much point in me agreeing to serve as the garbage can any longer.

I wanted her to save me from my childhood legacy of low self-esteem, just as I wanted to save her from hers. I thought we were saving each other for a while there. Now it turns out that she can just "step out of this relationship" and I am not good enough to entice her to stay. So now I am internalizing that judgment.

I am currently trying to look at it this way: What she thought of me wasn't consistent and mostly wasn't real, so I should throw out whatever mirroring or feedback I got from her. I need to go back to where I was before I got involved with her, a person with low self-esteem about my ability to attract and hold a mate. It seems to be my responsibility to either fix that in myself or accept that I can't---obviously I can't keep hoping that someone else will lift it from my shoulders. That made me vulnerable to what is happening now, and I don't ever want this to happen again.

[Tay25]

Please know that everything you said is very untrue, you were involved with a personality disordered individual! She wants you to feel horrible and responsible for this mess because she cannot deal with it herself. Anything she feels is projected onto you to make her feel better. External factors are not more important than the strong mental health that you have.

The main thing I am struggling with is my Self-Respect. After letting her say the meanest possible things she could and taking all her abuse for so long, I feel ashamed of myself. I could not get angry and stand up for myself because of childhood issues. My father was a very angry person and I learned that anger is a scary/bad emotion so I do not express it ever no matter how far someone pushes me. Some days I fantasize over what I would say if I had the chance.

For now I am working on being more assertive, hopefully I can somehow heal from the abuse I suffered and regain my self-respect.

[AwakenedOne]

I can't understand how my closest best friend could have done this

When you research BPD, our relationship with them is often referred to as parasitic and we are the "host". People on this board have various opinions on what love is. Also on what a friend is. I don't see it as love and surely not a friend. My "wife" physically injured me many times and then just walked away from the marriage right after she mocked me. That mocking image is in my mind as a lifetime barrier of having anything to do with her. Dobie, I know its hard to recover from relationships like these. Keep asking questions bro. Some here seem like they have had BPD relationship partners on the tame side of the spectrum such as like a 3 on the "hell scale". I feel mine was a 10 on the "hell scale". I believe that deep down each of us here knows how to heal from all of this. I think I have tapped into it a lot. I have 0% attraction and longing for her now. Hang in there bro.  

[dobie]

I can't understand how my closest best friend could have done this

When you research BPD, our relationship with them is often referred to as parasitic and we are the "host". People on this board have various opinions on what love is. Also on what a friend is. I don't see it as love and surely not a friend. My "wife" physically injured me many times and then just walked away from the marriage right after she mocked me. That mocking image is in my mind as a lifetime barrier of having anything to do with her. Dobie, I know its hard to recover from relationships like these. Keep asking questions bro. Some here seem like they have had BPD relationship partners on the tame side of the spectrum such as like a 3 on the "hell scale". I feel mine was a 10 on the "hell scale". I believe that deep down each of us here knows how to heal from all of this. I think I have tapped into it a lot. I have 0% attraction and longing for her now. Hang in there bro.  

Thank you awakened one that's truly  awful behaviour from your x  i m glad you are free of her mentally as well as physically .

I'd say mine was a 5-6 on the " hell"  scale not purposefully evil just so selfish and self absorbed nothing and no one or there  feelings wants / needs come before hers

I think some of the worst of her behaviours was when my father had just recovered from nearly dying and she was upset and felt guilty but didn't want him to get I'll again in case it ruined " her holiday" she was aware how selfish she was being but just couldn't "help herself"

Or when she was spewing resentment that if he died I would not be able to work and she would have to foot the bills till I got better .

Something else looking back was her low ability to empathise her empathy was more sentimental than ever truly a deep and real feeling that carries another through there suffering or feels deeply for the "others suffering"

I've always had partners who were empathetic and warm and had a healthy sense of care.  I thought she did as well but looking back her selfish and self absorbed behaviours were always there I just didn't want to look closely enough .

What I keep asking is knowing all this about her why , why , why would I miss value or want her in my life in any capacity ? Is the fact she is attractive , successful and intelligent as well as her idealisation of me that important? And why would I overlook her blatant callousness and devaluation of who I am just for another hit of the "drug"

Why do I seem to forget all the bad and idealise the good ?

[dobie]

I feel everything you listed, dobie. I think that pwBPD are attracted to those of us who internalize blame for relationship failures. It works really well for them, because they like to externalize their problems and blame others. I also feel like my ex dumped her abandonment experiences from her own life into me and then left me like a garbage can filled with her stuff, so she could walk away without it. Guess what, it won't work for her. So there is not much point in me agreeing to serve as the garbage can any longer.

I wanted her to save me from my childhood legacy of low self-esteem, just as I wanted to save her from hers. I thought we were saving each other for a while there. Now it turns out that she can just "step out of this relationship" and I am not good enough to entice her to stay. So now I am internalizing that judgment.

I am currently trying to look at it this way: What she thought of me wasn't consistent and mostly wasn't real, so I should throw out whatever mirroring or feedback I got from her. I need to go back to where I was before I got involved with her, a person with low self-esteem about my ability to attract and hold a mate. It seems to be my responsibility to either fix that in myself or accept that I can't---obviously I can't keep hoping that someone else will lift it from my shoulders. That made me vulnerable to what is happening now, and I don't ever want this to happen again.

Wise words if we felt awesome about ourselves we would not have been so susceptible to the "love bombing" .I always found her worship of me a little unsettling and from day one my gut was telling me something feels wrong here but I wanted to be in love I wanted her to be my "Juliet" .

[dobie]

Please know that everything you said is very untrue, you were involved with a personality disordered individual! She wants you to feel horrible and responsible for this mess because she cannot deal with it herself. Anything she feels is projected onto you to make her feel better. External factors are not more important than the strong mental health that you have.

The main thing I am struggling with is my Self-Respect. After letting her say the meanest possible things she could and taking all her abuse for so long, I feel ashamed of myself. I could not get angry and stand up for myself because of childhood issues. My father was a very angry person and I learned that anger is a scary/bad emotion so I do not express it ever no matter how far someone pushes me. Some days I fantasize over what I would say if I had the chance.

For now I am working on being more assertive, hopefully I can somehow heal from the abuse I suffered and regain my self-respect.

Yes she is projecting her own bad feelings onto me as she did for so long in the devaluation stage  she can't own them so its always something or some bodies fault for how she feels .

Her classic "why am I still not happy line" shows that lack of accountability and maturity to own or work through ones bad feelings and reasons for them .

I'm different in that anger is something I over express (doing anger management )

But shame yes I've ascertained that I feel ashamed that's something a clue I know to deeper issues here .

After all I was not perfect but I have nothing to be ashamed about I did not hurt her , cheat or abuse her overall I was a great partner she even admitted it months before we BU

[dobie]

For me the hardest thing to get over is the "what could have been" we were about to buy a house , get married , go traveling and at some point have kids at 37 now those or most of those things are out of my reach or feel to be esp considering my economic circumstances post BU .

I feel ashamed

I feel like a failure

I feel ugly , old and unnatractive

I feel like a loser

I feel like its my fault mostly

I feel like I'm not good enough this was a common theme I picked up from her and her BPD/aspd father as soon as she introduced him into our lives and started to triangulate because I'm not an investment banker or rock star / business owner or whatever else they and her think she deserves

She was highly successful and attractive and eight years younger I feel like I had no right to her as I am 37 not highly successful and average in looks (though family and friends all tell me she was not all that and I'm better looking) it does not feel that way .


I can't understand how my closest best friend could have done this

I'm focussing on me as much as I can but these feelings and thoughts are what underlies the grief the longing and the sense of loss they go back to childhood and my own core trauma

I understand your pain, I too was victim to a superimposed "best friend" relationship with my ex-BPD, and one of the hardest things for me has been to accept that that was just another manipulative strategy to reel me in.

I feel ashamed - no reason to feel ashamed. Just like everyone else who have been in a BPD-relationship, the common denominator is that there is nothing any of us could have done to make it work. Triggers come in various forms, and the inevitable horrible truth is, that it was just a matter of time... .No reason to feel ashamed for having loved someone and cared for them with everything you had.

I feel like a failure - I did too. I felt like I had let myself and my ex-BPD down by having to walk out on a relationship that (I understand now) essentially was over long before I realised it. You are not the one who failed here. We can only do and give so much before it leads to the same result. Remember, as long as you gave it your best, you can't have failed. You just found a way that didn't work with your particular BPD.

I feel ugly , old and unnatractive - unfortunately, from what I've read, this is one of the ways that our perception changes throughout the course of a BPD-relationship. We have our self-esteem, our motivation, our will to love ourselves taken away from us due to the constant or gradual devaluation which ensues following the idealisation phase. Love yourself, love yourself for what you have done for your ex-SO and find peace in knowing that you couldn't have done more.

I feel like a loser - Refer to the above. Your perception of yourself is shattered, and you need to assert yourself and find those good parts of you that still remain. Personally, I had a very distinct part of my life that my ex-BPD was not at all interested in, and therefore remains the only thing I have to cling onto at this point, and I'm using it as my lifeline when things go to bad places for me.

I feel like its my fault mostly - Unless you truly believe that you did something that started it, there's no reason for you to go there. Search your feelings, find out if you were the problem. If you weren't, and if you realise that nothing you did ever made you deserve what you have been going through, cross this off of your list of self-inflicted pain. One of my friends told me at a point after the BU, that my ex-BPD is not even here anymore, any pain I feel now is caused by myself, not my ex. The perception of fault is deeply embedded in us, given the many times we've been wrongly accused, and this is something you have to work on within yourself. Forgive yourself.

I feel like I'm not good enough this was a common theme I picked up from her and her BPD/aspd father as soon as she introduced him into our lives and started to triangulate because I'm not an investment banker or rock star / business owner or whatever else they and her think she deserves. - This relates to the above, not feeling good enough and being at fault are two prevailing notions that exist following the emotional abuse you've suffered from. I will say it again, assert yourself. We are all who we are, and there should be no question about whether we're good enough or not. You are the person you are today because of your life events, and this is another life event that will shape you and arm you for future relationships with normal people, where you will find the right kind of mutual love and respect that you never experienced during your BPD-relationship.

Stay strong and work on your own boundaries. It is okay to feel the pain and process the terrible truth. Throughout this process, you will find yourself able to cross off some of these feelings you have, and start realising that you couldn't have done anything different. You can place a mouse in a maze to find the cheese, eventually they will find it and your efforts of preventing this would be in vain.

Beautiful post thank you very much "peacefullmind" 

I think the guilt the feeling of not being perfect always leaves room for one to blame themselves for something but truly my only crimes were

I was not as ambitious as her in my career but I was in other ways

I would get angry and react to her baiting or criticism

I was not very pro active in social activities after nearly seven years I was happy to just watch TV or go for a meal I did not feel the need as she did and does to have constant distractions or "search for something out there" I was happy to have a quite life of introspection and my books peppered with occasional nights out new experiences etc

[myself]

It's weird to grieve someone who's still alive.

It feels like she's a ghost sometimes.

I wonder if she sees me that way too.

[Irish Pride]

For me the hardest thing to get over is the "what could have been" we were about to buy a house , get married , go traveling and at some point have kids at 37 now those or most of those things are out of my reach or feel to be esp considering my economic circumstances post BU .

I feel ashamed

I feel like a failure

I feel ugly , old and unnatractive

I feel like a loser

I feel like its my fault mostly

I feel like I'm not good enough this was a common theme I picked up from her and her BPD/aspd father as soon as she introduced him into our lives and started to triangulate because I'm not an investment banker or rock star / business owner or whatever else they and her think she deserves

She was highly successful and attractive and eight years younger I feel like I had no right to her as I am 37 not highly successful and average in looks (though family and friends all tell me she was not all that and I'm better looking) it does not feel that way .


I can't understand how my closest best friend could have done this

I'm focussing on me as much as I can but these feelings and thoughts are what underlies the grief the longing and the sense of loss they go back to childhood and my own core trauma

On my bad days, that's exactly how I feel. I also feel very naive, like a desperate ass and just plain stupid. But peaceful nailed it. It's not your fault. It's a disorder and we just happened to hit the bad lottery. Try to remember that you did what you did because you loved this person and that makes you a GOOD person.

[drummerboy]

The main thing I still struggle with is how a person who presented themselves as so perfect could turn out to be so despicable, it just feels like I was the victim of a huge fraud. I can't believe that a person could be such a good actor. The good times with her were truly awesome but she showed herself to be the most loathsome person I've ever been around. I doubt I'll ever meet a person so self absorbed and I can't believe I didn't see that while we were together.

[dobie]

The main thing I still struggle with is how a person who presented themselves as so perfect could turn out to be so despicable, it just feels like I was the victim of a huge fraud. I can't believe that a person could be such a good actor. The good times with her were truly awesome but she showed herself to be the most loathsome person I've ever been around. I doubt I'll ever meet a person so self absorbed and I can't believe I didn't see that while we were together.

Mine never presented as perfect more her modus was needy and in need of rescue if anything I think she does not know who she is or even likes herself

She was not always so selfish & self centred but then she needed me and was in the idealisation phase

How after nearly 7 years someone can act and behave like my uBPDfiance and show no basic understanding of how her actions and behaviours could be so damaging , shocking and hurtful shows a real lack of basic human feeling .

I've treated strangers better . funny you use the word "actor" that's exactly how my family described my x

[dobie]

For me the hardest thing to get over is the "what could have been" we were about to buy a house , get married , go traveling and at some point have kids at 37 now those or most of those things are out of my reach or feel to be esp considering my economic circumstances post BU .

I feel ashamed

I feel like a failure

I feel ugly , old and unnatractive

I feel like a loser

I feel like its my fault mostly

I feel like I'm not good enough this was a common theme I picked up from her and her BPD/aspd father as soon as she introduced him into our lives and started to triangulate because I'm not an investment banker or rock star / business owner or whatever else they and her think she deserves

She was highly successful and attractive and eight years younger I feel like I had no right to her as I am 37 not highly successful and average in looks (though family and friends all tell me she was not all that and I'm better looking) it does not feel that way .


I can't understand how my closest best friend could have done this

I'm focussing on me as much as I can but these feelings and thoughts are what underlies the grief the longing and the sense of loss they go back to childhood and my own core trauma

On my bad days, that's exactly how I feel. I also feel very naive, like a desperate ass and just plain stupid. But peaceful nailed it. It's not your fault. It's a disorder and we just happened to hit the bad lottery. Try to remember that you did what you did because you loved this person and that makes you a GOOD person.

That's the thing it was bad enough she called off the r/s but I'm a man I can take it I have been dumped before I could have got through it and still retained my affection care and friendship for her I even begged her to stop being so selfish and for us to work together through the ending of the r/s

But no her selfish angry child was in full force so much hate and anger or just oblivious cold indifference

[Achaya]

It's weird to grieve someone who's still alive.

It feels like she's a ghost sometimes.

I wonder if she sees me that way too.

These lines really struck me, as I have been feeling similar things, and my ex and I have been broken up only 3 weeks. I was thinking this week that this is more like grieving a death for me, than getting over a BU. I feel really disconnected sometimes. Like our relationship was partly in the dream world and now I have awakened to the unwanted reality of day. I was wondering too, if she will get that disconnected from me. It's like another loss.

[peacefulmind]

For me the hardest thing to get over is the "what could have been" we were about to buy a house , get married , go traveling and at some point have kids at 37 now those or most of those things are out of my reach or feel to be esp considering my economic circumstances post BU .

I feel ashamed

I feel like a failure

I feel ugly , old and unnatractive

I feel like a loser

I feel like its my fault mostly

I feel like I'm not good enough this was a common theme I picked up from her and her BPD/aspd father as soon as she introduced him into our lives and started to triangulate because I'm not an investment banker or rock star / business owner or whatever else they and her think she deserves

She was highly successful and attractive and eight years younger I feel like I had no right to her as I am 37 not highly successful and average in looks (though family and friends all tell me she was not all that and I'm better looking) it does not feel that way .


I can't understand how my closest best friend could have done this

I'm focussing on me as much as I can but these feelings and thoughts are what underlies the grief the longing and the sense of loss they go back to childhood and my own core trauma

I understand your pain, I too was victim to a superimposed "best friend" relationship with my ex-BPD, and one of the hardest things for me has been to accept that that was just another manipulative strategy to reel me in.

I feel ashamed - no reason to feel ashamed. Just like everyone else who have been in a BPD-relationship, the common denominator is that there is nothing any of us could have done to make it work. Triggers come in various forms, and the inevitable horrible truth is, that it was just a matter of time... .No reason to feel ashamed for having loved someone and cared for them with everything you had.

I feel like a failure - I did too. I felt like I had let myself and my ex-BPD down by having to walk out on a relationship that (I understand now) essentially was over long before I realised it. You are not the one who failed here. We can only do and give so much before it leads to the same result. Remember, as long as you gave it your best, you can't have failed. You just found a way that didn't work with your particular BPD.

I feel ugly , old and unnatractive - unfortunately, from what I've read, this is one of the ways that our perception changes throughout the course of a BPD-relationship. We have our self-esteem, our motivation, our will to love ourselves taken away from us due to the constant or gradual devaluation which ensues following the idealisation phase. Love yourself, love yourself for what you have done for your ex-SO and find peace in knowing that you couldn't have done more.

I feel like a loser - Refer to the above. Your perception of yourself is shattered, and you need to assert yourself and find those good parts of you that still remain. Personally, I had a very distinct part of my life that my ex-BPD was not at all interested in, and therefore remains the only thing I have to cling onto at this point, and I'm using it as my lifeline when things go to bad places for me.

I feel like its my fault mostly - Unless you truly believe that you did something that started it, there's no reason for you to go there. Search your feelings, find out if you were the problem. If you weren't, and if you realise that nothing you did ever made you deserve what you have been going through, cross this off of your list of self-inflicted pain. One of my friends told me at a point after the BU, that my ex-BPD is not even here anymore, any pain I feel now is caused by myself, not my ex. The perception of fault is deeply embedded in us, given the many times we've been wrongly accused, and this is something you have to work on within yourself. Forgive yourself.

I feel like I'm not good enough this was a common theme I picked up from her and her BPD/aspd father as soon as she introduced him into our lives and started to triangulate because I'm not an investment banker or rock star / business owner or whatever else they and her think she deserves. - This relates to the above, not feeling good enough and being at fault are two prevailing notions that exist following the emotional abuse you've suffered from. I will say it again, assert yourself. We are all who we are, and there should be no question about whether we're good enough or not. You are the person you are today because of your life events, and this is another life event that will shape you and arm you for future relationships with normal people, where you will find the right kind of mutual love and respect that you never experienced during your BPD-relationship.

Stay strong and work on your own boundaries. It is okay to feel the pain and process the terrible truth. Throughout this process, you will find yourself able to cross off some of these feelings you have, and start realising that you couldn't have done anything different. You can place a mouse in a maze to find the cheese, eventually they will find it and your efforts of preventing this would be in vain.

Beautiful post thank you very much "peacefullmind" 

I think the guilt the feeling of not being perfect always leaves room for one to blame themselves for something but truly my only crimes were

I was not as ambitious as her in my career but I was in other ways

I would get angry and react to her baiting or criticism

I was not very pro active in social activities after nearly seven years I was happy to just watch TV or go for a meal I did not feel the need as she did and does to have constant distractions or "search for something out there" I was happy to have a quite life of introspection and my books peppered with occasional nights out new experiences etc

The tragic thing of the above listed is, that this is exactly how my ex-BPD described the dream scenario with me. A quiet life with love and care for each other, and we could each keep our own ambitions with our respective careers. After a job change where my ex started to gain a lot of self-confidence, I noticed how my ex-BPD started to change (I have later read up on this, and found out that BPD can become co-morbid with the more nasty NPD because of self-esteem boosts, and this hit the nail for me, since I know the history of NPD in that family... .). I encouraged and supported throughout the whole job exchange and hoped the very best. I never realised that I was encouraging and supporting the end of our relationship. How ironic... .I have personally always been social to some extent, I love hanging out with my friends and enjoy good times. I would never cheat on anyone or go behind their back, and I have stayed true and most times, just waited to go home to be with my ex after any social activity. And my ex-BPD knew that.

Right before I deleted my ex-BPD off of facebook, I went to check the profile, and I can tell the mirror image has changed. It is as if I have never existed in my exs life, and he/she goes on about it as if everything is okay and he/she is happier than ever. I truly hope this is the truth, if not, then I feel nothing but pity. It hurts to see that you're essentially just yesterday's trash, but I understand that I have done everything for this person, and I have loved and cared unconditionally. I can't do anymore, and that gives me at least some relief.

Non of us are perfect. I understand that I am a people pleaser, and to some extent, co-dependent given my own upbringing. It does not justify the treatment I received after I was painted black, and it does not justify the way I was strung a long for several months (where I knew something was off, but my ex would just not tell me... .). It hurts to know that my love and affection did not change, but I understand now, that the red flags were there. I will never miss those again, and I will never allow myself to be treated like that ever again. It has been hell, and I feel like my grieving process starts all over again today (after I was triggered yesterday). I know it is time for me to do some serious self-reflection and I need to overcome this. There are more important things in life than past relationships that served you nothing but heartbreak!

[dobie]

Peacefully sounds like our xs were playing from the same "playbook" she strung me along for months, years  with her in and out behaviours got her new friends her new job lots of money  etc and with that as she screamed done the phone at me


I haven't loved you for over a year ! Your just a friend now and I have friends now I don't need you  !

Her wretched new friends (total jealous horrible b___es) and her sick father gave her the boost she needed to feel inpowered and in charge enough to leave .

Its honestly a triangle of horrid people the three of them are the "trinity" of selfish , self serving , shallow horrid people her dad is likely a narc/BPD he is without a doubt the most evil and damaged man I have ever had the displeasure of knowing


She had the cheek to post some meme on FB

Your past is your lesson , the present your opportunity the future your gift

Yeah you really learned a lot about how to grow as a person

She is even more horrible , self serving and wretched all she has "learnt" is new skills to use , manipulate and control

[peacefulmind]

Peacefully sounds like our xs were playing from the same "playbook" she strung me along for months, years  with her in and out behaviours got her new friends her new job lots of money  etc and with that as she screamed done the phone at me


I haven't loved you for over a year ! Your just a friend now and I have friends now !

Her wretched new friends (total jealous horrible b___es) and her sick father gave her the boost she needed to feel inpowered and in charge enough to leave .

Its honestly a triangle of horrid people the three of them are the "trinity" of selfish , self serving , shallow horrid people

Use the last paraphrase as your weapon to keep reminding yourself that you won't be a part of that. I understand how it feels, I am going through the same stage as you it seems. I want to write everything you write, but I know what that will do to me, so I suppress it and I will find a time to deal with it, right now is just not the right time for me.

I have come to terms with the fact that my encouraging and support were both nothing but enablers, and they essentially drove our relationship to the gutter. There is nothing I could've done differently, had I not done what I did, the relationship would've ended so much quicker. The problem in my relationship was, that the devaluation happened so gradual, that no matter the timeline, I would still have been as heavily affected as I am.

Their mirrors will interchangeably differ according to the environment in which they find themselves. My ex-BPD found confidence in the fact that what he/she was doing was something that he/she was good at. I was so proud, and I told that to him/her every single day. I enabled the confidence boost that inevitably caused my own demise. It's tragically ironic when I look back at it, but I have always been someone who tells my closest ones when I'm proud of them. I just never realised that the one I was enabling wasn't my "close one" or "significant other", it was merely a mirror of what once was, and the person I knew when I left the relationship, was not the same as the one I fell in love with. It's a horrid truth to digest, but I do believe that as long as I let myself believe that the person I loved is gone (and probably will never come back), I will be able to overcome this and move on. Stay strong, dobie!

[dobie]

It's weird to grieve someone who's still alive.

It feels like she's a ghost sometimes.

I wonder if she sees me that way too.

Do we grieve them or the parts of us that we feel are missing now that the mirror is gone ?


My x was not funny , she was not fun , she was not interesting , she was not nuturing, she was not popular, she was not vibrant she was not passionate about anything , she had no hobbies she looked everywhere for interests and found or stuck to none desperately seeking out there what is missing in her .


She was for the most part morose , I'll , depressed , anxious , needy and or detached and or irritable and angry .

If she was not those things she was just for the most part telling me how amazing & wonderful I am .


She was empty ... .A beautiful maniquin . I miss the security I miss the attractive young blond I miss the adulation I miss the occasional support and company I miss the plans I had  but her ? There is no her .

She lacks an essence a soul if you will and I'm not the only who has said it family , friends all chimed in

My personality is strong , forceful dominant , assured , vibrant at least it was before she sucked my energy dry that's what she was attracted to and like the vampire she is once I was broken and spent she went onto new pastures

[going places]

For me the hardest thing to get over is the "what could have been" we were about to buy a house , get married , go traveling and at some point have kids at 37 now those or most of those things are out of my reach or feel to be esp considering my economic circumstances post BU .

My best advice is to STOP playing the 'what if' or 'what it MIGHT have been" game in your head.

It delays healing.

Draw a line in the sand, and tell yourself whenever the "what if, what it might have been' game starts that NO this would have NEVER been like the image in my head.

Slam on the brakes, and replace those thoughts with thoughts of YOUR passions, YOUR future, YOUR goals.

I feel ashamed

I felt 'ashamed'. It brought me low.

Guess what.

I did nothing shameful, so there was no reason to be ashamed.

The ex was the shameful one.

SO I removed the shame from myself. It was never mine to wear.

I feel like a failure

I felt 'like a failure'. I was manipulated to think that I was not good enough; that I was not a good wife, or a good woman. That if only I would do _____ THEN I would be good enough.

THAT was ALL a lie, and evil manipulations that the ex saddled me with.

I replaced that lie with truth.

Yes, I was an amazing wife. Yes, I am an amazing woman.

I feel ugly , old and unnatractive

I felt ugly, old, dirty, humiliation.

Guess what, I am none of those things.

I am starting from scratch at almost 50. Packing up, moving 5 states away, starting a new job, renting a new place, living where I know NO ONE... .starting from scratch.

You know what?

I'm gonna be a home owner, business owner, and I am gonna squeeze every ounce of life outta each 24 hour day God gives me!

It took me 11 months to get where I am today... .but I will never ever allow anyone ever to abuse me like my ex did. Ever.

I feel like a loser

I feel like its my fault mostly

I was more than willing to take 1/2 the blame and he was more than willing to give it to me.

Even though he was 100% at fault.

I was not perfect; no one is.

But, what he did to me, and our kids; was nothing short of evil.

Once my advocate walked me thru what I had been thru, then I could see; No, this was not my fault.

Not one bit.

I feel like I'm not good enough this was a common theme I picked up from her and her BPD/aspd father as soon as she introduced him into our lives and started to triangulate because I'm not an investment banker or rock star / business owner or whatever else they and her think she deserves

She was highly successful and attractive and eight years younger I feel like I had no right to her as I am 37 not highly successful and average in looks (though family and friends all tell me she was not all that and I'm better looking) it does not feel that way .

It's unfortunate when people judge a person's 'success' by their bank account and outward appearance.

Seems to be common these days.

Maybe because I am older, that I don't care about bank accounts, or outward appearances; I'm not gonna jump in bed w/ someone on the 3rd date (or sooner)... .but it's the heart of the person; the work ethic of a person that matters... .

I can't understand how my closest best friend could have done this

If you are saying she was your closest and best friend; I know how you feel.

My ex of 25 years was my "best friend".

And that still bothers me that I called him "friend".

Take this time to heal thy self.

Find out WHY you picked a person like her; and correct that, so that you never end up in a relationship like this again... .

I'm focussing on me as much as I can but these feelings and thoughts are what underlies the grief the longing and the sense of loss they go back to childhood and my own core trauma

Get to the 'root' of the problem.

Once you fix / remove the root problem, everything else will fall into place!

[dobie]

Thank you "going places" I'm glad you are doing so well , 25 years is a long time  

I had a good session with my T today she pointed out my x had the looks , the smarts but no emotional IQ

My x before her had the looks and the emotional IQ but not the smarts what my T was getting at is she thinks I pick woman who will ultimately leave or frustrate me

or who deep down I don't want so as to avoid a deep and real love .

I do wonder sometimes if I was trying to push my x BPD fiance away at least subconsciously

I stopped wanting to kiss her , I stopped wanting to sleep next to her and I stopped caring if we had sex

I think I was protecting myself from what I could sense was coming .

[Hindsight2020]

It's been 8 months since my relationship with my BPD ex, and while I've built a lot of what I had back; there's still many things that remain unfixed. I'm a solo songwriter/performer of about 13 years, and after the B/U I had a really hard time writing again. The passion I once had for music just didn't seem to be there. Any lyrics I attempted to write would end up being sad, and for once in my life I felt afraid to share them with anyone. Luckily after months of persuing my passion I ended up embracing these feelings, and I would have to say the songs I've written are the best I ever have. To me this showed that it is possible to pull yourself up and keep going. It gave me motivation to fix other things that were damaged by the relationship.

There are many friends who still don't talk to me, and in my mind I feel as though I've lost some credibility in their eyes for what happened.

I also still struggle with negative thoughts about who I am, what I have to offer, and weither another girl will ever take interest in me again.

I just earned my 2nd diploma and recorded my first short album in years. Having these feelings of self doubt are not making sense to me. I should feel proud of what I accomplished since the B/U, but I still can't shake how low she made me feel. I still have a strong feeling of unworthiness and I sometimes shut out all help on days I feel particularly low.

I have faith things will get better with time, because although I feel like this; it was nothing compared to the first few months. Time has already helped me get into my groove, but it's still working to sort out the newfound insecurities she brought into my life.