Quick contact then she's gone

[Hindsight2020]

I've been apart from my diagnosed BPD ex girlfriend for 8 months now. The breakup was extremely shakey and it took me a long time to finally get on my feet again. Luckily I've had some great friends who have helped me through it. We dated for almost a year exactly, not at all my longest relationship, but it was by far the roughest I've felt after a break up. I still do feel the hurt, but I've realized my worth again, and slowly gained the confidence back that I had before our relationship.

At the end of the relationship she almost immediately got into a relationship with a new guy. At this time she was still stringing me along with false hope by telling me he forced his way into being her boyfriend, and thagthag she still loved me. This went on for a few months and I let it happen before I went NC. I blocked her from everything and went on about my life. (In a confusing daze I'll have you). A few months later she started contacting my friends for things like rides, and even to "pay back the of mine friends she borrowed money from". In this time she tried to make me look like a horrible person to them. Luckily my friends knew me better than that, and politely explained to her that she was irrational, and that she needed to get over me. Months ago out of curiosity I unblocked her on facebook, because I felt like the storm had passed, and that she had moved on. I may have also sent her a goodwill message stating that I hope she's in a good place now, and that I hope she's found her happiness. She never responded

Fast forward to 4 days ago. About 3 months later. I was sleeping in on my day off and in that time she sent me a message saying she's seriously sorry for not getting back to me she isn't trying to get me back, but she misses me as a person and she wants to try being friends. I was sleeping so I didn't respond. 1 hour after that message she went into detail about how earlier in the week she impulsively cut her arm really deep and had to be rushed to the hospital. She told me she lost some functioning in her arm and hand has a result. Because deep down I still care about her wellbeing. I responded. She explained that she felt like everyone was leaving her, and that she doesn't believe she is capable of loving anyone. That I was the closest thing she's been to love, and that it felt real. I tried to make her feel better but it resulted in being ignored again.

2 days passed with no reply. I also noticed on her new BFs Facebook that they were having issues at the time of her message. so I politely explained to her that I don't want to be her friend. I explained that I can't be someone's secret sometimes friend. I have many "friends" that I feel I can't rely on, I keep my friend circle small now, and I don't need anyone who only wants to talk about their problems while ignoring mine. She replied finally with a "OK if that's how you feel". Not even reading my 2 messages that I sent after her response. Both were of goodwill saying I hope things work out for her. She then blocked me from her account.

To be honest I feel relief from telling her I don't want her around. I also feel proud of myself for speaking up and standing up to her. I personally feel on a new level of closure knowing she's no longer accessible. But will she come back? I feel like I'm in a good place and I don't want her to disrupt me from the things and people I love. Hearing from her at all brings back unnecessary feelings that I don't want back.

My questions:

Why did she want me to know about her "attempt" if she had no intention of following through with me?

Is she trying to recycle me?

Will she attempt to come back again?

Why does she message my friends that she would never contact before?

Should I feel guilty for turning my back when she's going through this depression?

[Infern0]

Precursor to a recycle attempt.

You shouldn't feel guilty for stating you don't want to be friends, that's just honesty.

One question, do you want her back in a romantic sense?

[Hindsight2020]

Not at all. I only responded because of the severity of the message. I felt like if I said nothing that it would drive her deeper into whatever it was she was dealing with. I'd thought a lot about her messaging me again, and I truely wanted to tell her how much grief she caused me both in And after the relationship. Most likely I would have ended up being ignored. Her dark message caught me off guard and my caretaker personality took over.

[patientandclear]

She wanted something from you, she said whatever she thought was needed (you are special), you were not cooperative, so she's moving on and making whatever mental adjustments are needed to explain that to herself (renewed devaluation). It's all pretty transactional but dressed in the language of emotion.

[JRT]

From my perspective, the key to her motivation is that things are not well in paradise between she and her BF... .meanwhile, her texts seem to be sincere - I would have a hard time turning her away but it looks to me that this is a recycle attempt

[Invictus01]

I had an almost exact experience over the past month or so after a long period of no contact. Basically, any text exchange I had with her was sustained as long as we talked about her. Pretty much the second I brought up something about myself, she would disappear. When it happened the first time, I was a bit surprised considering that she stated that she wants to "meet up and catch up" (which to be honest, I don't think I want to do). Then it happened the second time. By the third time, I was like "Cool, let me see, I'll say something about myself in the next text, she will go away" Sure enough. The weirdness of this mental condition will never cease to amaze me.

[Hindsight2020]

That's exactly what it feels like it is. I feel like I caught the one-sided nature of her contact pretty quickly. If she's not even interested in what I'm doing with not even a "how are you",  then I really don't have the time to be her safety net. I explained that to her, and she didn't defend it; she only blocked me. She jumped into another relationship so quickly after me, and then treated me like a creepy stranger. I had a hard time for a long time dealing with thoughts like: "did she ever really love me?" "How can she just drop her love for me cold turkey?", and ":)oes she even think about me?" Quite frankley I feel extremely disrespected by her and I've been trying to think of it in this sense. If anyone else would have done the things she'd done to me without these feelings; they would have been dropped immediately.

[Invictus01]

By the way... .chances are, she will be back. About 3 months ago, after about 3 months of no contact, I told my girlie that I loved her and there is no way I would be her friend. She insisted she wanted to be friends but understood if it was "all or nothing" for me. I didn't respond. A month and a half later without us exchanging a word, she text'd me out of nowhere with an updated about herself, asking me with suggestions on where to find a new apartment in the town she moved to (I used to live there) and wanted to meet up and catch up. So, yeah, she might have blocked you, but chances are good she will be back if she wants/needs something from you.

[Hindsight2020]

If that's all it is than she better not be coming back. I didn't put the time I did into that relationship to help her solve problems while she figures things out with her current boyfriends. And that's one of the last things I told her before she blocked me. I guess if she does come back; I'll have to be more aggressive and clear in my wording. I feel like I have a lot going for me, and she will not be the reason I mess it all up again. My friends and family have told me if I go back to her I'd be making the biggest mistake of my life, and I truely believe that.

[Invictus01]

If that's all it is than she better not be coming back. I didn't put the time I did into that relationship to help her solve problems while she figures things out with her current boyfriends. And that's one of the last things I told her before she blocked me. I guess if she does come back; I'll have to be more aggressive and clear in my wording. I feel like I have a lot going for me, and she will not be the reason I mess it all up again. My friends and family have told me if I go back to her I'd be making the biggest mistake of my life, and I truely believe that.

I think after the initial breakup with a pwBPD, the relationship is toast. Well, it is kinda toast from the get go, but after the initial breakup, that is it. They almost always comeback only for selfish reasons (whether they are realize that it is selfish or not), which usually manifests itself in shorter and shorter recycles and longer and longer time between recycles. I have always said in ANY adult relationship, the second shot is the max that it's worth giving. Most of the time, even the second attempt isn't worth it unless some major changes happened with both parties.

[myself]

I guess if she does come back; I'll have to be more aggressive and clear in my wording. I feel like I have a lot going for me, and she will not be the reason I mess it all up again. My friends and family have told me if I go back to her I'd be making the biggest mistake of my life, and I truely believe that.

If she tries coming back, you don't have to respond. Be 'aggressive and clear' with Yourself, remembering that when you tried talking with her before, she blocked you/stayed away/etc. Be your own safety net, and truly believe in Yourself. Letting go, while challenging at times, also brings relief.

[Hindsight2020]

I guess if she does come back; I'll have to be more aggressive and clear in my wording. I feel like I have a lot going for me, and she will not be the reason I mess it all up again. My friends and family have told me if I go back to her I'd be making the biggest mistake of my life, and I truely believe that.

If she tries coming back, you don't have to respond. Be 'aggressive and clear' with Yourself, remembering that when you tried talking with her before, she blocked you/stayed away/etc. Be your own safety net, and truly believe in Yourself. Letting go, while challenging at times, also brings relief.

You're right. I should just ignore any attempts at contact she may put forth. Nothing good is going to come from any sort of communication we have. As much as I'm content with never being with her again; it brings back a lot of feelings. Her neglect for me in her instances of contact are completely absurd.

[Beach_Babe]

 You were honest and direct about your feelings, and you gave her CLOSURE. A small decency she could NEVER afford you. I applaud how you handled this 

[Hindsight2020]

You were honest and direct about your feelings, and you gave her CLOSURE. A small decency she could NEVER afford you. I applaud how you handled this 

Thank you for that. I was worried I may have done more harm towards what she's going through. I'm just worried that it may mean closure to her, but is it finality. I feel like I could have said more in order to draw her away from me. I have this weird feeling that she will be back in some capacity.

[Beach_Babe]

Odds are she will return, particularly since you left her. Can you change your number or  block her if you no longer want contact?

[Hindsight2020]

Odds are she will return, particularly since you left her. Can you change your number or  block her if you no longer want contact?

I have her blocked on most forms of social media however she has me blocked on Facebook. This worries me because it means she can connect with me if she chooses to unblock me. Which I guess I could easily block her in return should this happen. I've never known her to have her own phone, and I'm confident she no longer has my number. That hasn't been an issue at all.

[Hindsight2020]

Not sure if this is appropriate. It's not self promotion. I've been writing a lot of music based on my experiences in this relationship. It's the one thing that has kept me consistent with myself, and has forced me to think about what happened, and what I deserve. www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5B9BxkoI8w

I wrote it based on the fact that no matter where I go there's some form of her following me. Weither it be old friends, old places, memories, mentions, pretty much anything that has taken me out of my zone with thoughts of her. I think of her as a ghost who haunts me every day even when she's not trying to reach out to me.

[JRT]

Nice work! I am also a musician. There seems to be many of us here, , I wonder if it means something. 

[Hindsight2020]

Thank you! In my opinion, I think it could be because of the passion we have for it. That passion seems like something they grow jealous of, and in my case she tried to sabotage it with her insecurities. Took me a while to find my footing with it again, but I've began using it to my advantage to cope with the issues. Certainly having people relate rather then pity me over my lyrics has helped tremendously and I can feel my confidence coming back. Sometimes its just easier to sing about my feelings rather than talk about them. So for those who are struggling. Focus on what makes you most passionate. Music or whatever else made you proud if yourself before the exBPD

[JRT]

Its great that you have a productive coping mechanism for this. Sight reading really helps me when I am having a bad day among other things. 

[Hindsight2020]

I completely agree with reading being a great coping mechanism. I get completely lost in whatever i'm reading and forget the troubles I have going on in my life. Glad to hear it's working out for you too.