Tomorrow will be one full week- In search of Emotional support

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My gf-well now ex gf that I  lived with up until last Friday, has tried to destroy me. She has physically attacked me... .giving me a black eye on more than one occasion and multiple bruises. I called the cops on her last Wednesday and she claimed that I was hitting her too... .when all she had was 2 scratches from me trying to defend myself and the cops arrested both of us. I spent 15 hours in central booking and missed work. Then she tried to apologize... .claiming that she loves me more than anything and she would do anything to fix this. (Mind you... .I already told her that the relationship was over the last week in March... .(I didn't realize how it would escalate by doing so as I was not familiar with BPD. I even agreed to give her 60 days to move out of the apartment that she lives in rent free in and had strangers in my home when I wasn't there... .I was unaware of all this until 3 weeks ago and would have moved out sooner if I knew how dangerous she could really be). She then proceeded to bring a disgusting girl into our home and said it was a friend from middle school. The girl went along with it too. An hour later I caught them having sex in our home in the bed we used to sleep in while I was there. She actually got up put clothes on and threw stuff at me... .yelling for me to get out and screaming that I'm bad in bed... .etc. I was able to have my super, his wife, and one of my friends move me out within the hour. My stuff is safe in another apartment in the same building for now and I am staying with my brother. The Landlord served her a 30 day notice to move out. I'm the one that was paying the full rent and put down the security deposit and broker fee on the apartment. The Landlord has given me the option to move in once he gets her out but I could never go back there. He's going to wind up having to evict her. I can't believe that this was a person that I spent 2 years of my life with and actually wanted to marry. She has been wrongly diagnosed by her Doctor as being bipolar but my psychiatrist said she sounds BPD and everything I'm reading about BPD sounds 100% like I'm reading about her and our relationship. I wish I knew sooner. I'm in shock, disturbed, heartbroken, and scared. I'm also aware that she has that insecure, undesirable girl staying with her in my ex home. (Of course my Super had to update me today when I called him to schedule a time to drop off my mail key). I believe that eventually she will try to use my ss# or checking account against me in a way that she could regain some sort of contact with me which is something that she has done to me in the past. I really need emotional support from everyone that understands what I'm going through. My friends and family are there for me but they can't understand why I put up with any of it. I'm still trying to process all of it myself.

[WhataDisaster11]

My gf-well now ex gf that I  lived with up until last Friday, has tried to destroy me. She has physically attacked me... .giving me a black eye on more than one occasion and multiple bruises. I called the cops on her last Wednesday and she claimed that I was hitting her too... .when all she had was 2 scratches from me trying to defend myself and the cops arrested both of us. I spent 15 hours in central booking and missed work. Then she tried to apologize... .claiming that she loves me more than anything and she would do anything to fix this. (Mind you... .I already told her that the relationship was over the last week in March... .(I didn't realize how it would escalate by doing so as I was not familiar with BPD. I even agreed to give her 60 days to move out of the apartment that she lives in rent free in and had strangers in my home when I wasn't there... .I was unaware of all this until 3 weeks ago and would have moved out sooner if I knew how dangerous she could really be). She then proceeded to bring a disgusting girl into our home and said it was a friend from middle school. The girl went along with it too. An hour later I caught them having sex in our home in the bed we used to sleep in while I was there. She actually got up put clothes on and threw stuff at me... .yelling for me to get out and screaming that I'm bad in bed... .etc. I was able to have my super, his wife, and one of my friends move me out within the hour. My stuff is safe in another apartment in the same building for now and I am staying with my brother. The Landlord served her a 30 day notice to move out. I'm the one that was paying the full rent and put down the security deposit and broker fee on the apartment. The Landlord has given me the option to move in once he gets her out but I could never go back there. He's going to wind up having to evict her. I can't believe that this was a person that I spent 2 years of my life with and actually wanted to marry. She has been wrongly diagnosed by her Doctor as being bipolar but my psychiatrist said she sounds BPD and everything I'm reading about BPD sounds 100% like I'm reading about her and our relationship. I wish I knew sooner. I'm in shock, disturbed, heartbroken, and scared. I'm also aware that she has that insecure, undesirable girl staying with her in my ex home. (Of course my Super had to update me today when I called him to schedule a time to drop off my mail key). I believe that eventually she will try to use my ss# or checking account against me in a way that she could regain some sort of contact with me which is something that she has done to me in the past. I really need emotional support from everyone that understands what I'm going through. My friends and family are there for me but they can't understand why I put up with any of it. I'm still trying to process all of it myself.

[lawman79]

I am so sorry that you have grown through this.  The assualt / false charges thing is very scary... .and I am sorry that has happened to you.  My ex threatened a number of times that she would file a false poiice report and a number of times she blocked the door or grabbed my dog by the neck in an attempt to get me to put my hands on her.  I never did. 

It sounds like you know that you can't have anything to do with this person again because the outcome will be terrible before you.  You have a long raod ahead of you, but you will get through this.  Be thankful that you did not marry this person or have a family with them. I know I count myself self lucky that I got out before those things happened.

May I ask how long you were together? Have you considered talking to a counselor to understand what drew you to this person and why you stayed?

[LeonVa]

Three red line items of mine are

1. Physical abuse

2. Calling police with false allegations

3. Physical affair

Once you crossed any of the item, red line is crossed and there is no going back.

My ex wife did #2 and I will NOT tolerate it.  I swear at her after police left and that was it for us.  I shouldn't have done that though, should have just asked for divorce in a calm manner and ask her to move out asap.

I'm really sorry you have to go through that crap, time to end it for good. Your ex met all three items.  There is no next time. Who knows what they will do next time?

Time to treat yourself better, you deserve better, no one should have to bear with it.

[WhataDisaster11]

lawman... .thanks for the support. This June would have been 2 years. I just found out yesterday that she is BPD. I spent all of my time reading about Bipolar Disorder that BPD never even occurred to me. I think that I stayed with her because I'm a Fixer. I'm not sure where that stems from but it's been that way in all of my long term relationships. I made excuses for the Bipolar disorder that I believe she had mixed along with a bit of mild narcissism which left me feeling "elated" during the "seducer" phase along with low self esteem and her being my first real exclusive girlfriend that I ever came out of the closet to my family with. (I typically dated men so I thought the relationship "moving really quickly" was just a lesbian thing... .honestly). Everything happened so fast and before I knew it I was in too deep. I broke up with her last summer for 5 weeks and I moved out of her apartment for 6 months. She claimed that she was getting help and that we were "soul mates". She seemed like she was better. She wasn't being violent or controlling... ."well for her anyway" so, I thought there was a chance for us to really work things out. Her lease was up... .and there I was putting all of the things that I worked really hard for into building a home for us. I thought that this was real love and there was hope. At least I thought that's what I thought I was thinking. Maybe I'm a bit of a Masochist. I'm still processing this all so, I'm confused. I started seeing a psychiatrist a few months ago. He does talk to me a lot which I hear isn't the norm but I think I definitely need to start seeing a Therapist.

[WhataDisaster11]

Thanks for the support Leon. #2 & 3# happened within a 48hour period but I shouldn't have been putting up with any of the three.

[Achaya]

Whattadisaster, this sounds really frightening and shocking! I have never been in a relationship with anyone who acted out that much, but apparently it isn't uncommon. The best thing you can do for yourself right now, in addition to looking out for your safety, is work with a therapist. It's good that yours talks to you, as information is  very helpful in this situation.

From personal experience, I agree that people who are newly "out" often don't know how to assess the character of a prospective same sex partner. It's like there's an idea that if this is a different subculture, the same guidelines don't apply that you might have used to judge people of the "other" sex.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Whattadisaster, hate that you are having to go through this.  My ex became very threatening/harrassing/stalking.  While I did not know my ex to be violent, he was threatening me so I had to assume I was at risk and act accordingly.  People can snap so safety had to come first.  I had put my head in the sand enough within the r/s.  I wasn't willing to continue to do so post-b/u.

1)  Get a credit freeze by all three credit bureaus (Equifax, TransUnion, Experian).  Each one will charge about $3 to do so but that way she cannot mess with your credit.  DO NOT LOSE YOUR PIN AS YOU MUST HAVE IT TO UN-FREEZE CREDIT. 

2)  Change all of your passwords to EVERY account.  There is a great, free password vault called LastPass.  I actually opted for the $12 version which I believe is a lifetime membership but I think the free version can help a lot too.  Get computer and phone checked for spyware.  Get new ones if you can.

3)  Set a google alert online with your name, business name, etc so if she posts something about you, you'll know about it (www.google.com/alerts)

4)  Keep a log of any/all contacts by her with date, time, description of event, witnesses, your response, etc.  Of course, keep any documentation, i.e. emails/txt messages from her.  BEST RESPONSE IS NO RESPONSE. 

5)  You can keep all voicemails at voicemailsforever.com.  This service is free up to a point and then you can join for $20.

6)  I got the Blacklist app (free) so all of my ex's calls went straight to voicemail.  I could not have answered even if I wanted to.  I did not want him to have any access to me but needed to stay apprised of where he was mentally/emotionally so I could respond accordingly. 

7)  The book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker gave me sanity throughout the ordeal.  There is much needed discussion on the use of restraining orders.  While they are the conventional wisdom and the go-to response for many, they need to be carefully considered.  This is a great book in general.  Great info on dating even!

8)  de Becker also has a threat assessment tool that is free:  www.oprah.com/oprahshow/MOSAIC-Gavin-de-Beckers-Online-Threat-Assessment-Tool

9)  I told all of my family what was going on which was somewhat embarrassing for me but amazingly helpful.  My sisters and I talked many times daily.  Not sure how I would have gotten through this without them. 

This may or may not feel appropriate, but these are the things I immediately did to protect myself.  None of it was ultimately needed (well, I changed the locks on my house and he left the old key on the doorstep so I guess he tried to use it), but I had to err on the side of safety.

Be smart.  Listen to your gut!

[WhataDisaster11]

Hi Reclaimingmylife,

Thank you. I've changed my passcodes on everything and put a two step verification lock on them. I didn't freeze my credit because my credit is not good and she knows that so there's really nothing that she can do with it. I've also taken all the other precautions that you listed and I will read that book. Thank you so much for your advice.

[Trog]

This woman is crazy, disrespectful, callous and frankly dangerous. It doesn't matter what you may think you feel for her or how much you have invested you will NEVER be able to have respect for yourself or be happy if you let a person behave this way. That said, I am sorry you have gone through this, it's a question of weak boundaries and unfounded trust.

My ex was diagnosed with Bipolar, and then schitzo-effective and who knows what else since I left. The fact is, it does not matter what label she has, she is a destructive person who will bring you nothing but pain. You can not fix her. Take steps to protect yourself and have nothing to do with a person who would put you through the pain and shame of being physically beaten and allows you to carry the scar of finding the person you love in bed with another. It's so treacherous I'm angry on your behalf!

I've had 7 years of cruel, selfish behaviour from my partner, not in that ball park but close enough, take it from someone who endured that pain, work on yourself, leave her for dust.