Does this behavior ring a bell

[moutonbpd]

  I find this site so interesting and informative. I've known, since around the age of 10 that my mother's response to many situations and sorta to life in general didn't seem appropriate and was sometimes downright outrageous, not to mention embarrassing! I'm well into my 40's now and little has changed with her behavior or my feelings about it except that through research, continued observance over the years, and now discovering this site, I am convinced that Mom must have some form of BPD. She gets a  on a great number of the characteristics listed with only a few slight variations in the activities she engages in. Her vices do NOT include harmful addictions of any type nor self-harming (unless you count hair-pulling (her own) and object throwing(not at people) in occasional fits of anger).

She has consistently loved and protected all 4 of her children in her own way with some periods of extended "time outs" resulting from non-compliance with her wishes, commands, suggestions, or even personal preferences and feelings about nearly any topic. IF YOU DARE TO DISAGREE, you risk being accused of a wide array of offenses, moral character attacks, ulterior motives, and respect for EVERYONE ELSE BUT HER! ... .oh, and you probably WORSHIP THE GROUND of (insert person of the day), usually my Dad who she was divorced from 50 YEARS NOW! ... .and that divorce, she has no doubt, nor should you, is the cause of all that is wrong in life!

One more thing, she hasn't spoken to her 90 year old mother in years, nor her brother, many once close friends, etc. However, she has gotten very angry with me for having family gatherings with my Dad's side and not hers. Go figure, a silent gathering! It's EXHAUSTING, but I do love her because SHE'S MY MOM 

[Kwamina]

Hi moutonBPD

Welcome to bpdfamily  Thanks for posting this introduction. The behavior you describe does indeed ring a bell with me, I have an undiagnosed BPD mother myself and know very well how difficult and exhausting this can be.

Based on what you've written I think you might find a particular article we have here interesting. It's about fear, obligation and guilt (FOG). Here's a short excerpt:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Would you say your mother uses fear, obligation and/or guilt to control her children? You can read the entire article here: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

One more thing, she hasn't spoken to her 90 year old mother in years, nor her brother, many once close friends, etc.

Did anything happen that led up to your mother not speaking to your grandmother anymore? How was their relationship before she stopped talking to her?

Take care