I need to detach from the feeling that I still need him/her in my life

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It was an eye-opener to me when I read this:

It is not about detaching from the relationship anymore. It is about detaching from the inherent sense of responsibility that I have towards her.

I would love to remove "anymore", since I am slowly realising that detaching from the relationship is not the most important factor in complete detachment, it is the latter of the sentence that makes up the crucial endpoint of any healing from a BPD relationship. As I have pointed out on other threads, once the BU is done and over with, there is no one left to cause any harm or pain other than ourselves. We decide whether we want to inflict pain upon ourselves, we decide how much we want to see of our ex-BPDs newly found "love", and their apparent "happiness" in the aftermath. I now understand the true meaning of NC, and why deleting any form of potential pathways to harm (e.g. social media) is necessary. I felt like I was being hurt by my ex-BPD, I felt that he/she was out to get to me. I released from the quote above, that this is in fact not true. I know there are several factors playing in on the perception of emotional pain, the miss, the feeling of betrayal and so on, and of course these important key feelings should not be neglected (and I have not yet reached a stage where I am able to say I can let go of that yet). But ultimately, once a BU happens, we are left to fight our own dirty fight with ourselves and the residual issues we have maintained from our relationship.

Thank you valet for making this statement. I have an appointment with a T tomorrow, and I am looking forward to see if I can obtain any form of coping mechanisms for the lingering pain I still feel. I have educated myself quite well on BPD and NPD, but I still feel that it is the everyday coping that is the hardest for me. I know the bigger picture and what I should work towards, detaching from the inherent sense of responsibility that I have towards him/her. My love for my ex-BPD is still going strong, and the miss is real. But if I can somehow manage the feelings of miss, the love will eventually subside I am sure. Your post, however, removed at least some of my self-pity and made me realise that I have already done everything I could for my ex-BPD. I do not digress on the fact that any immediate feelings after a BPD-BU should be ignored, and I hope I will be able to post on these boards if anything suddenly hits me (triggers, dark thoughts etc.). Let yourself feel everything and process it. The five stages of detachment do hold true, but, at least to me, I guess I've been working towards the wrong goal. I do not need to detach myself from the relationship that broke, that is already done and dusted.

I need to detach from the feeling that I still need him/her in my life, because I still feel I owe some sort of sick responsibility towards my ex-BPD. This is not true.

[peacefulmind]

It was an eye-opener to me when I read this:

It is not about detaching from the relationship anymore. It is about detaching from the inherent sense of responsibility that I have towards her.

I would love to remove "anymore", since I am slowly realising that detaching from the relationship is not the most important factor in complete detachment, it is the latter of the sentence that makes up the crucial endpoint of any healing from a BPD relationship. As I have pointed out on other threads, once the BU is done and over with, there is no one left to cause any harm or pain other than ourselves. We decide whether we want to inflict pain upon ourselves, we decide how much we want to see of our ex-BPDs newly found "love", and their apparent "happiness" in the aftermath. I now understand the true meaning of NC, and why deleting any form of potential pathways to harm (e.g. social media) is necessary. I felt like I was being hurt by my ex-BPD, I felt that he/she was out to get to me. I released from the quote above, that this is in fact not true. I know there are several factors playing in on the perception of emotional pain, the miss, the feeling of betrayal and so on, and of course these important key feelings should not be neglected (and I have not yet reached a stage where I am able to say I can let go of that yet). But ultimately, once a BU happens, we are left to fight our own dirty fight with ourselves and the residual issues we have maintained from our relationship.

Thank you valet for making this statement. I have an appointment with a T tomorrow, and I am looking forward to see if I can obtain any form of coping mechanisms for the lingering pain I still feel. I have educated myself quite well on BPD and NPD, but I still feel that it is the everyday coping that is the hardest for me. I know the bigger picture and what I should work towards, detaching from the inherent sense of responsibility that I have towards him/her. My love for my ex-BPD is still going strong, and the miss is real. But if I can somehow manage the feelings of miss, the love will eventually subside I am sure. Your post, however, removed at least some of my self-pity and made me realise that I have already done everything I could for my ex-BPD. I do not digress on the fact that any immediate feelings after a BPD-BU should be ignored, and I hope I will be able to post on these boards if anything suddenly hits me (triggers, dark thoughts etc.). Let yourself feel everything and process it. The five stages of detachment do hold true, but, at least to me, I guess I've been working towards the wrong goal. I do not need to detach myself from the relationship that broke, that is already done and dusted.

I need to detach from the feeling that I still need him/her in my life, because I still feel I owe some sort of sick responsibility towards my ex-BPD. This is not true.

[Achaya]

I do worry about my ex as well, as I perceive her to be fragile, and she was signaling me about a downward trend in her mood when we met for the last time. There actually is a significant suicide or accidental death risk with BPD, so I think some anxiety on this account is justified. However, I find it interesting that I want to believe my ex will be worse off without me. It sounds like one of those old blues songs, "You're gonna need me baby…"

The reality is that my ex is a lot more resourceful than I am when it comes to attracting nurturance and affection from the environment. I'm sure it means something about me that I would adhere to the idea that my ex will function less well without me. If I was conveying that message in the relationship I can see how she would have found it very oppressive indeed!

[peacefulmind]

I do worry about my ex as well, as I perceive her to be fragile, and she was signaling me about a downward trend in her mood when we met for the last time. There actually is a significant suicide or accidental death risk with BPD, so I think some anxiety on this account is justified. However, I find it interesting that I want to believe my ex will be worse off without me. It sounds like one of those old blues songs, "You're gonna need me baby…"

The reality is that my ex is a lot more resourceful than I am when it comes to attracting nurturance and affection from the environment. I'm sure it means something about me that I would adhere to the idea that my ex will function less well without me. If I was conveying that message in the relationship I can see how she would have found it very oppressive indeed!

Yeah, it's quite the paradox for me. On one hand, my ex-BPD made me think he/she needed me, and needed my support through the harsh times he/she ALLEGEDLY went through. On the other, there was this constant feeling throughout the relationship, that he/she did not need me, and at the end, it was more than obvious that I wasn't needed anymore. My reflection, the reflection he/she so desperately wanted to project to the outside world, was used up, and I was merely a shadow of my former self.

I've always been quite resourceful myself, because I've always let my life run as it would, and worked hard towards my every goal in life. I have never compromised myself, except in this case. Therefore, it has also been a steep learning curve for me to realise, that I have issues myself that I need to work on once my detachment of this sick perverted idea that my ex-BPD will not have a life without me, and that I need him/her in my life to fulfill it. I too have thought about this Achaya, if that was what I was letting on to my ex-SO. That he/she needed me to feel good? Certainly an interesting question that I will never have the opportunity to get an answer to, but I can see where I may have went wrong as well. I am certain my ex-BPD would never commit suicide, he/she is too strong-willed and proud to do this. His/her ego is too full of constant admiration from the supply group of people he/she keeps on various messengers, so there's absolutely no worry on my behalf. I just need to realise that what is done is done, and even if I got burned hard, in the worst possible time in my life, and in the most devious and evil way I never thought possible, that life goes on for me and my ex-BPD. His/her life will consist of nothing but constant BUs, until he/she finds a person who can be a constant and stable reflection of what he/she wants to project, and can handle possible emotional (or physical) cheating and lying. It's sad really.

To Skip:

I'm sorry if I broke any forum rules. Thanks for editing everything so it adheres to forum policies.

[Achaya]

Yeah, it's quite the paradox for me. On one hand, my ex-BPD made me think he/she needed me, and needed my support through the harsh times he/she ALLEGEDLY went through. On the other, there was this constant feeling throughout the relationship, that he/she did not need me, and at the end, it was more than obvious that I wasn't needed anymore. My reflection, the reflection he/she so desperately wanted to project to the outside world, was used up, and I was merely a shadow of my former self.

Peacefulmind, I think you have pointed to another difficulty in these relationships---the mixed message about whether one was needed. When my ex was most withdrawn she acted more like I didn't matter at all. I think she was thinking at those times that she didn't need me for anything and could walk away at any time. She basically confirmed this when I had the courage to ask, although not in so many words.

[peacefulmind]

It's a terrible truth. The day that the ST started for me was like any other day. I was happy, had a visit from my family and I was happily telling my ex-BPD that they said hi to him/her and hoped he/she was doing great. Never got an answer. The silent treatment ended 4 days later, where I finally heard back. This was four days where I didn't eat or sleep. My ex-BPD was having fun, and did not care the least that I had been worried sick. Everything I said after this point, was shot down and ultimately lead to my severe depression and forced BU after another MUCH LONGER ST. I think I was needed, I think I was used for what  I could provide, and it hurts still to think about it in this negative manner. But it is the sad truth, and it is something I need to work more on in order to get my healing process back on track. This is the main thing that throws me off my "game" when it comes to healing... .The thought of the betrayal that went on for years before my ex-BPD and I even started dating. All the manipulation and lies that were fed to me... .I have had this pictured in my head as, I see a reflection of myself in a mirror (my ex-BPD), I fall in love with it, I clean it every day, I look at it and I think to myself "this is the most amazing mirror in the world, how can I be this lucky?". Then one day, the mirror falls over and cracks. I don't see any of the beauty left, only the cracked pieces on the floor, that I realise is nothing but myself that I need to pick up :/

[Achaya]

All I can say is how much I know how you feel, because I am there too.

[peacefulmind]

I'm just wondering... .Let's say that by some out-of-the-world magic let me assert my boundaries more steady than I did in my relationship, would that have driven my ex-BPD away faster? Or made him/her look for a replacement quicker? I am still somewhat unsure about this paradox. From what I understand, people who are strong in their boundaries are not usually being lured in by BPDs in the first place, but if they were, would the BPD realise sooner that it was a mistake, and start the devaluation faster?

[spottydog]

I have just reached the end of a tumultuous BPD marriage. 18 years in fact, and I can honestly say that enforcing boundaries was the beginning of the end of this relationship. Throughout our marriage I have put up with the rages, threatening behaviour, sometimes physical abuse, affairs, internet dating, advertising himself for 'no strings' sex, gambling (resulting in huge debts), inappropriate behaviour in front of our children... .the list goes on and on.

Recently I just made the decision that I would no longer be coerced into doing things that I didn't really want to do, and repeatedly leaving our children alone (ok they are teenagers, but they hate me leaving them) while we went off abroad on holiday was not happening any more. I was not comfortable with it, and surely a reasonable father would see that . We did not have to go abroad for a week at a time every 6 weeks, without the kids, to keep our marriage alive... .Actually it seems we did.

The minute I took a stand and said I don't want to keep doing this, I have responsibilities as a parent ( as does he) and a weekend away every 2 months or so would be sufficient. Needless to say I got the silent treatment for a week or so when I explained that I didn't want to go to Spain 6 weeks after coming back from New York. I tried to compromise by saying we could go a month or so later when our son had finished his exams. Apparently I was just making excuses and didn't want to spend time with him. So guess what? He has gone on his own. He is there now.

Our marriage is over. He wouldn't compromise, he was insistent he was going in May and that was that. Worst thing is, he won't move out until next month as we had to give 2 months notice to our tenant in a property we own. We are still living in the same house, though in separate beds. How awkward is that?  Anyway, the upshot is that enforcing boundaries DOES shorten the relationship dramatically. We would still be together now if I hadn't done so. Not happily married and in a good relationship, but still together. Thank God for this website. At least it makes me feel I am not the only one going through this.

[Achaya]

I don't know if setting limits causes a pwBPD to leave faster or slower, because I didn't do much of it. I did notice that my ex always had her sights set on getting "more" from and with me; she could never settle into the status quo and be happy with all we had. I reached a point where I couldn't do what she wanted next, which was to sell my house and get a new one with her. I am not yet in a good financial position to do that, although I was definitely wanting to be. I think that my lack of forward movement on this issue had something to do with why she left, but I don't know if cohabitation itself was the real reason. I think that as long as she could focus on getting "more" out there in the near future, she craved the full feeling of satisfaction that she thought would follow. When she didn't have some big change to focus on, to pressure me about, she was left with her own internal mind states. She always looked for external resources to counteract her moods and blamed her moods on external circumstances. She told me near the end, "It's not you I'm not interested in, it's the situation that doesn't interest me." At the time, I was stunned that she spoke of our relationship as a situation that didn't interest her; a few months previously we were talking about a permanent commitment.

[ZeusRLX]

Thank you valet for making this statement. I have an appointment with a T tomorrow, and I am looking forward to see if I can obtain any form of coping mechanisms for the lingering pain I still feel. I have educated myself quite well on BPD and NPD, but I still feel that it is the everyday coping that is the hardest for me. I know the bigger picture and what I should work towards, detaching from the inherent sense of responsibility that I have towards him/her. My love for my ex-BPD is still going strong, and the miss is real. But if I can somehow manage the feelings of miss, the love will eventually subside I am sure. Your post, however, removed at least some of my self-pity and made me realise that I have already done everything I could for my ex-BPD. I do not digress on the fact that any immediate feelings after a BPD-BU should be ignored, and I hope I will be able to post on these boards if anything suddenly hits me (triggers, dark thoughts etc.). Let yourself feel everything and process it. The five stages of detachment do hold true, but, at least to me, I guess I've been working towards the wrong goal. I do not need to detach myself from the relationship that broke, that is already done and dusted.

I need to detach from the feeling that I still need him/her in my life, because I still feel I owe some sort of sick responsibility towards my ex-BPD. This is not true.

Hang in there... .it gets better... .I've been through this many, many times.

One thing to keep in mind though... .it's not love.

I would say it's an unhealthy longing for diseased manipulative games of someone who is incapable of having any kind of real relationship with anyone at this point.

Can't speak for everyone but that has been true for me. I am a serial boyfriend of BPD, ONLY dated BPD's over the last 15 years (unintentionally so, LOL).

But if this is the first time for you, yes, it hurts a lot. I was in the hospital for weeks after my first time.

It gets better and goes away, trust me. Just talk to someone to support you, get the help you need and it will get better. But it is NOT love and never was. It is sickness. Realizing that helped me a great deal so I hope it helps you too.

Hang in there and try to never get involved with a woman like that ever again! Do as I say, not as I do, LOL.

Best of luck... .

[ZeusRLX]

I do worry about my ex as well, as I perceive her to be fragile, and she was signaling me about a downward trend in her mood when we met for the last time. There actually is a significant suicide or accidental death risk with BPD, so I think some anxiety on this account is justified. However, I find it interesting that I want to believe my ex will be worse off without me. It sounds like one of those old blues songs, "You're gonna need me baby…"

The reality is that my ex is a lot more resourceful than I am when it comes to attracting nurturance and affection from the environment. I'm sure it means something about me that I would adhere to the idea that my ex will function less well without me. If I was conveying that message in the relationship I can see how she would have found it very oppressive indeed!

Yeah, both BPD and NPD ACT like they will fall off the edge of the earth but they are usually fine (in my experience anyway), however, people they manipulate often end up screwed up completely.

By the way, go watch the movie Far From Madding Crowd, it's in theaters now, GREAT movie and pretty sure the soldier the main character was involved with has BPD or NPD. He is a guy but his tactics are largely the same as my flock of borderlines. Go see that movie! I bet quite a bit will be familiar.

[ZeusRLX]

It's a terrible truth. The day that the ST started for me was like any other day. I was happy, had a visit from my family and I was happily telling my ex-BPD that they said hi to him/her and hoped he/she was doing great. Never got an answer. The silent treatment ended 4 days later, where I finally heard back. This was four days where I didn't eat or sleep. My ex-BPD was having fun, and did not care the least that I had been worried sick. Everything I said after this point, was shot down and ultimately lead to my severe depression and forced BU after another MUCH LONGER ST. I think I was needed, I think I was used for what  I could provide, and it hurts still to think about it in this negative manner. But it is the sad truth, and it is something I need to work more on in order to get my healing process back on track. This is the main thing that throws me off my "game" when it comes to healing... .The thought of the betrayal that went on for years before my ex-BPD and I even started dating. All the manipulation and lies that were fed to me... .I have had this pictured in my head as, I see a reflection of myself in a mirror (my ex-BPD), I fall in love with it, I clean it every day, I look at it and I think to myself "this is the most amazing mirror in the world, how can I be this lucky?". Then one day, the mirror falls over and cracks. I don't see any of the beauty left, only the cracked pieces on the floor, that I realise is nothing but myself that I need to pick up :/

Yes, I know the feeling. Give it time and lots of insight/study into how and why this happened.

It took me YEARS to get over the first one. Maybe 5-6 years to finally forget about her completely.

Then she wrote to me out of the blue of course... .she was married by then, but of course she wouldn't let a silly thing like that bother her.

So I told her to take a hike and that was the end of it.

I get over a borderline breakup with no loss of enthusiasm now, not even upset, not even a little bit, just relieved. But it's only because I have done it so many times... .

First cut is the deepest and it is PRECISELY because you thought that thing was real.

I feel your pain but you WILL be okay.

[ZeusRLX]

I'm just wondering... .Let's say that by some out-of-the-world magic let me assert my boundaries more steady than I did in my relationship, would that have driven my ex-BPD away faster? Or made him/her look for a replacement quicker? I am still somewhat unsure about this paradox. From what I understand, people who are strong in their boundaries are not usually being lured in by BPDs in the first place, but if they were, would the BPD realise sooner that it was a mistake, and start the devaluation faster?

In my experience it just depends. Hard to predict exactly how things will go because BPD is a range of different but related disorders that are further amplified by different personalities/lifestyles/education levels etc.

The point is... .eventually they would look for another rescuer or another escape no matter what you do. That I think is a given.

As far as whether it would happen faster or slower, it's hard to say I think.

[Mutt]

Just a friendly reminder about the format and guidelines for discussion... .

3.0 DISCUSSION FORMAT:bpdfamily/bpdfamily.com is set up as a collegium. We follow a Collegial Discussion format which is characterized as having "authority" vested equally among colleagues/peers. As such, members present their ideas in "collegial harmony" and the credibility of their positions are based solely on the quality of the points they advance in writing. Diversity is to be embraced - there is often much to be learned from others views and perspectives.

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[peacefulmind]

Thank you all for your inputs and kind sentiments.

Spottydog, I'm sorry you have had to face such tragic events in your life. I hope you will recover with the help from the kind members on this forum. It's a great place for emotional awareness and comfort, but ultimately, it must come from within. I agree that I had grown much more indifferent to my ex-BPDs impulsitivity, and I sometimes argued that what he/she was doing was maybe not the best thing. There was always a reason to tell me why I was wrong, and why he/she was right. It was pointless for me to argue, so I walked on eggshells. I guess setting up boundaries to some extent forces the pwBPD to increase the manipulation to the point where they have you where they want (walking on eggshells). That's what happened to me, in such a slow fashion that I never saw it coming :/ I hope you will recover well, spotty.

Achaya, That's an interesting notion. As long as they can focus on the next big thing with their SO, they have something to draw their emotional instability towards in joint cooperation with their partner. Hm. I too was told that it was the external environment that caused the lack of love and attraction towards me - it was a subtle notion but it was definitely cemented during the silent treatment  I said "I love you" plenty of times during the last phase of our relationship. Not a word, and when I asked if he/she still loved me, the only response I got was "I don't know"... .

ZeusRLX, sounds like you have had your fair share of BPD relationships. I understand that the obessesion over feeling the rush of the idealisation phase can leave us vulnerable to make same mistakes, which is also why I plan on doing some deep digging into my own issues before even thinking about looking for a new potential partner. Thank you for sharing your experiences with the rest of us. I too believe that the inevitable shopping for new partners will happen sooner or later, simply because no one will ever be able to fill the emotional void within them. It just saddens me to think of all the things I now realise were nothing but projections onto his/her family, that he/she may in fact have carried that out in reality... .(cheating, etc... .)

[Trog]

I'm just wondering... .Let's say that by some out-of-the-world magic let me assert my boundaries more steady than I did in my relationship, would that have driven my ex-BPD away faster? Or made him/her look for a replacement quicker? I am still somewhat unsure about this paradox. From what I understand, people who are strong in their boundaries are not usually being lured in by BPDs in the first place, but if they were, would the BPD realise sooner that it was a mistake, and start the devaluation faster?

People strong in their boundaries would have had it away on their toes within a month never mind had a longer relationship. I feel mine is an extreme case, buy nevertheless, not one of my friends or family (and even members if her family) could understand why I stayed with her, they would ask 'how do you cope' with bewildered eyes. In my case the abuses &'crazy making was clear and obvious and my ex would embarrass herself, but even if it's more subtle, a person with strong boundaries would not even be attracted.

[peacefulmind]

I'm just wondering... .Let's say that by some out-of-the-world magic let me assert my boundaries more steady than I did in my relationship, would that have driven my ex-BPD away faster? Or made him/her look for a replacement quicker? I am still somewhat unsure about this paradox. From what I understand, people who are strong in their boundaries are not usually being lured in by BPDs in the first place, but if they were, would the BPD realise sooner that it was a mistake, and start the devaluation faster?

People strong in their boundaries would have had it away on their toes within a month never mind had a longer relationship. I feel mine is an extreme case, buy nevertheless, not one of my friends or family (and even members if her family) could understand why I stayed with her, they would ask 'how do you cope' with bewildered eyes. In my case the abuses &'crazy making was clear and obvious and my ex would embarrass herself, but even if it's more subtle, a person with strong boundaries would not even be attracted.

My ex-BPD is very subtle in his/her actions. When I first turned to a friend for advice when the ST started, the response I got was "That doesn't sound like him/her". When I turned to another friend that I have helped immensely over the years with his own problems of being with the wrong partners, I was told "Just give space, I can see how you're at fault... .". This subtleness together with the fact that no one knew who my ex-BPD truly was, has made me realise that I can't really trust anyone other than myself. I am still very appreciative for the friends who have tried to help me through it, but it is a very lonely road. My boundaries were not strong enough, and I was reeled in like a fish in open water. The loneliness and the loss of respect for your friends who you thought were going to be there for you when you needed it are some fo the things that in the aftermath have made me very wary of who I disclose my inner thoughts to. It's a terrible feeling and I'm not quite over it yet... .

[Trog]

That's harder. Do you have friends who do understand nd have seen into the relarionship that you can talk to?

[peacefulmind]

That's harder. Do you have friends who do understand nd have seen into the relarionship that you can talk to?

I have friends who believe me when I tell them that my ex-BPD is borderline, and who truly tries and emphasize with me. The only problem is that I no longer know why I seek the empathy. I have lost track of the countless hours I've tried to convince a good friend that the reason why I was feeling the way I do, is because BPD BUs are very different from any other BU i've ever been through. No closure is the common denominator in many of these relationships, and being a rational person, I need that closure. I thought I had found the closure I needed on these boards, but I have also come to realise it's only a temporal relief.

It seems to me that this is in fact a lonely road to travel and I am sick of being on it. I went to the doctor today, got put on antidepressant just to raise my mood, knowing full well that it won't take away the sadness or the feeling of betrayal. Mood increase is what is the main goal here so I can finish my task at hand that I HAVE to finish in time. I have also gotten a referral to a therapist to start counselling but I doubt I will remain in that for long. I already know what has happened, why I feel the way I do, and how to cope. It is the miss of my ex-BPD that is killing me, and that is truly the thing I need to find a way to cope with for my own survival.