healing after 4 year relationship with BPD ex gf

[ravfour4]

Hey all! I'm new here to the forums and recently came to the conclusion that my ex-gf has BPD. It explains the large majority of her behaviors before, during and after our relationship, she has a family history of such disorders, has been on anti-anxiety meds etc. and had a very rough child hood and young adulthood. Some of the symptoms I recognized throughout our 4 year relationship, but didn't really know what they were:

-Extreme highs and extreme lows, the extreme lows were often over something very minor. She knew this was wrong, but had no idea why it happened.

-Inability to feel bad, if she did something that a normal person would feel bad about (i.e. forgetting to pick something up, not helping me move etc.) she'd get mad instead of sad.

-A bad temper, she'd get really mad and say the meanest thing she could think of. She knew this, but had no idea why it happened.

-Fear of being alone - when we first met she hid a parking ticket from me since she thought I'd never want to see her again if I got a ticket.


Sorry this is so long!


Relationship Background

I had been out of a relationship for a year and was 21, about to graduate from college. She had been out of a relationship for a year or so, had been hopping from guy to guy and was 21 as well, about to get her associates disagree after 2 abusive relationships, one verbal and one very physical (that also involved heavy drug addition). If you met her, you'd know none of this, she was beautiful, vibrant, confident and magnetic.

We hit it off instantly and maintained  a long distance relationship for 8 months. Then, we moved in together and I always acknowledged her extreme emotions, the extreme highs were something I really loved about her and I was calm and confident enough to navigate the extreme lows and temper with relative ease. She really appreciated this and it made me feel like a "hero". The majority of the next 3.5 years was wonderful, I was happier than ever and she seemed happier than ever too, she reconnected with her family and things were great. Overtime she continued to do spontaneous things that damaged our relationship - for example, she rushed us getting a dog that I wasn't sure about (I had allergies) and it eventually got us kicked out of our place which had recently stopped allowing dogs. When we had to move, she wasn't there because she had to work and instead of feeling bad about this and apologizing, she got mad. Events like this continued to happen where she'd do something spontaneous that I paid the price for.

After a few more moves we were getting closer to marriage, but I was a bit doubtful. She was fairly irresponsible/forgetful and never did the laundry, I made a comment one day (that I now realize may have triggered her) that "if you're going to be my wife and a good mom you're going to have to get this laundry thing down pat". In retrospet, I realize that it's after that we started constantly butted heads, but of course had some great moments in between. From that point on, she started taking everything I said and twisting it negatively. I acknowledged this and asked her why, she didn't know. We ended up moving to an apartment downtown a few months later that I didn't want, but agreed to for her. Right before we moved I went to change a song on her ipod at a party and saw a innocent but flirty text with another guy, it set me off and her response was not encouraging. The next day I had to move all of our stuff while she went to Chicago and she barely apologized. Since this was the 4th time she hadn't helped me move and it happened right after seeing that text, I was fed up and she never did anything to make it up to me.


Start of the Break-up

Over the next 4-5 months we lived here, she seemed to think the worst of me no matter what I said. I wasn't able to be my calm confident self I was before - work was stressing me out as I kept getting promoted (working to get us a house and her an amazing ring), my dad was battling cancer and wasn't doing well and our house ended up having a fire and getting infested by rats, some of which died and stunk. This combined with her constantly bringing me down distanced us, I figured we'd work it out with time as stress went away, I was intent on making her my wife, but we stopped being intimate and it got worse and worse. I kept asking her what was wrong and she always said "I don't know", I asked what was bothering her and she said the same. Soon after that I got wasted for a football game one day and made out with a random woman who came onto me strong, I felt terrible about it, knew why it happened (I had felt no love from my ex for the past 3-4 months, I always felt love FOR her) and owned up to it instantly (the next morning). I told her I would make it up to her, this is the first time I ever did anything like this and I felt zero feelings for this woman. Over the next 2-3 months after that, we kept fighting and eventually she said "I can't do this anymore.  I don't love you anymore" seemingly out of nowhere.

At first, I was relieved - ah, no more CONSTANT tension! But then, she started acting like herself again and I re-fell in love. She told me she would never love me again and once she was done with someone she was done, but she kept flirting with me and wanting to spend time together. We started getting along better than we had in months, I was about to ask to give it another try, but I could tell something was off. I checked her phone for the first time in our 4 year relationship and saw her texting I love you to her married co-worker who she used to make fun of regularly. I had seen her texting him before this, but she always denied it was anything serious. I had seen a letter from him, but she denied it. After this, I went home to take care of my father and thought things were 100% over. I came back and told her I don't think she loves this guy, how I think I knew what happened (before I read up on BPD) and if she'd be willing to give it another chance - she said no. She also quit her full-time salaried job for a part-time no health insurance gig - it more of what she wants in a career, but what a terrible decision to make at this time. She also dropped almost all of her friends who never would have approved of her actions or what she was doing to me. They all loved me

I then went home and soon after my dad passed away. She was texting me throughout all of this and asking if she could come down, but why would I want my ex-gf next to me texting her new man while I'm super sad about my father? (who loved her and she loved as well). I wanted her there more than anything, but not under THESE circumstances. When I got home, I thought it'd be over for good, but she told me she stopped talking to this guy. I asked what this meant for us - she freaked out and said nothing, she wants to be single. After this she started talking to him again (or perhaps never stopped), I've also realized she was likely texting him for weeks before she broke up with me, she was constantly on her phone and would never listen to me. I'd have to say "hey! hey!". This drove me crazy, I tried to get her to move out 3 times, but everytime she'd break down crying and hug me. Eventually I told her she HAD to move out, she was making me miserable and torturing me by sneaking around with this married man (who still lived with his wife and 2 kids) and texting him in front of me, all while being flirty with me - making me dinner and wanting to watch movies etc. It was confusing as hell.

The past month of madness

I finally got her to move out a month ago after agreeing to pay her half of the rent and finding her a place to move. I also helped her move. She still had keys to our place and let our dog out each day and took a very long time to get her stuff, but this dependence I felt on her needed to stop. We texted almost everyday and she always acted like that guy was out of the picture, saying flat out she didn't have a boyfriend. She continued to drag me along.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago (~3 months post break-up, 3 weeks after she moved out), we were going to meet up to talk about how I should keep the dog for good and need to stop talking to her. She had just watched our dog while I went out of town with some friends. While with my friends (one of whom I met my ex-gf through), he said he talked to a good friend of hers who said she broke up with me because I didn't love her, he thought/knew this was BS seeing how sad I was about the break-up. When I saw her she started asking about other women and why I looked so good (I had been working out), I said for myself, there isn't anyone else. Then I told her I'm sorry I was distant with her and that I never stopped loving her and I'm still in love with her, I expected her to laugh or say something mean, but instead she broke down crying, said she loved me too and said "what do we do now? I need to think about it".

The next day I got her flowers, a mixtape (with a song I had written for her when we first met) and left her a note saying "If given the chance, I will give this EVERYTHING I've got". She called me at work and said she wanted to give it a shot, then asked me what she should do with her bf. WHAT? She had told me she didn't have one and stopped talking to this guy. She said she saw him last night (after we had talked) and tried to break-up with him for other reasons, but they ended up making out (WHY WOULD SHE TELL ME THIS?). I, stupidly excited about having a 2nd chance, told her to tell him she still has feelings for her ex and wants to give it a shot. She called him and did it, she thought he'd say "ok goodbye", but he didn't. He went crazy (remmeber, he's 33 going throuhg a divorce with 2 kids - she's 25 and unstable), called her multiple times, showed up at her house unannounced and she kept saying she wanted to give me a chance. He sent her flowers multiple times a day and kept bashing me to her in texts. We hung out later that day and she was showing me what he was saying, she was flirty and being herself that I dated for 4 years.

Then... .we spend one day apart before our planned date, she ends up super mad at me, starts calling me out for all sorts of small little things all while this guy is doing everything he can to stop her. I told her we can't do this, you haven't forgiven me for the things I did, I'm still hurt and didn't know you had a bf, you're hurting all of us for no reason and we called off the date. She came over the next day to give me my keys and I told her we can't talk for a while.

Now what?

After 9 days of no contact, I've gotten a lot of clarity. It wasn't all my fault, I tried to break through her brick wall for months before I started giving up and I never gave up even after she broke up with me. In retrospect, I've become a shell of the person I was before, I dedicated myself 100% to her and she was never there for me when I needed her. Some of these days I've been an anxious mess. Before this I was calm, confident and felt like my life was perfect and made complete sense. Now, I've been left partially empty.

A part of me hates her for what she did and for lying to me face hundreds of times and knows I should NEVER talk to her again. Another part of me understands her terrible child-hood, young adulthood, her fear of abandonment, why my actions triggered this response (falling hard for the first person to her right, an older man who's flirted with her for years) and wants to be there for her. A part of me wants to tell her I understand and that I'll always be there for her, I still love her. I know BPD's typically turn a person "black" and that's what she did to me after the break-up (acting like the whole 4 years were terrible), but what was this "let's give it a second chance!" thing all about... .During it she kept saying I should have fought harder to keep her, but she was SO mean after the break-up that she gave me zero room to try.

Is there a way I can get her to see that I was always and will always be there for her? Or is this too far gone given the fact she's been with this new guy (who only just recently moved out of his place with his wife and kids) for 3-4 months now (probably even longer while me and her were still together) mean it's over, even though they've already almost broken up 3 times when that never happened to us.

Or should I "hate" her and move on for good? I'm probably a bit codependent to want this "abuse" again, but I love her and feel like I'm the only one who actually knows why she's doing what she's doing. She'd often say she was emotionally unstable and didn't know why, I wish we would have went to therapy together, she had once suggested it early in the relationship, but I had no idea she may be BPD or that this would eventually happen.

[ravfour4]

Summarized version

-Met girl who I thought was amazing. Made me feel like a god. We were both 21.

-Learned she had a bad childhood and was in a very abusive relationship. Family also had history of anxiety disorders.

-Dated for 4 years, full of extreme highs and lows. The highs made it worth it.

-Started butting heads over everything, could never get through to her or find a common ground. Probably due to something I said that triggered her fear of abandonment.

-Pretty sure she lined up another guy (married older man, going through a divorce - something she despised before) while with me and went to him instantly afterwards so she felt minimal to zero pain. She also quit her job and withdrew from friends, started drinking a lot as well. Hated me for "making her" smoke mary jane throughout our relationship. HA!

-Lied to me constantly about it while we lived together. Does this all while my dad (who she loved and he loved her) is passing away. Had to push her out after trying multiple times. She took forever to get her stuff and didn't want to give the keys back. Continued lying about this guy (because it's embarrassing). Turned me into the devil, basically said I deserved it.

-Right when I'm about to get my keys back, says she still loves me, tells her boyfriend that (she never admitted it was her bf until now), then the whole thing crumbles apart as he goes crazy trying to get her back.

-Now I'm on day 9 of no contact. I finally can see things clearly, I know how much I cared about her and I let her convince me it was all my fault when it wasn't.

I still love her and see her destroying her own life, I want to "save" her, but know it's not up to me to do that and probably a personality trait of my own (wanting to save someone) that I need to evaluate. Is it worth giving it a chance in a few weeks? Do I just let this terrible/destructive rebound play itself out? Or do I run for the hills and never look back?

[peacefulmind]

Hi ravfour4,

Welcome to the family  

I am sorry to hear that you have had to go through this. Your story is certainly comprehensive with alot of emotional tension and abuse. On these boards you will find a lot of help from people who have gone through relationships that ultimately ended up with us being a mere shadow of our former self. You can seek great advice from the many members who post here daily, and it has personally helped a great deal to just let loose of everything you want to say, without being judged.

Is there a way I can get her to see that I was always and will always be there for her? Or is this too far gone given the fact she's been with this new guy (who only just recently moved out of his place with his wife and kids) for 3-4 months now (probably even longer while me and her were still together) mean it's over, even though they've already almost broken up 3 times when that never happened to us.

From my own experience, she already knows this. A few weeks before I broke it off with my ex-BPD, which was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I told him/her that I loved him/her more than anything in my life. The response was "I know". Another thing is, since you believe you're painted black, it won't matter how many kind gestures you make. If you scroll down just on this front page, you will find multiple attempts to rekindle friendship and decency with ex-BPDs, all of which usually end with a set back in healing.

My advice to you is to think about yourself for now. One of the most powerful tools (albeit I am still working to find out how to apply it to my own situation) is No Contact. This is incredibly hard, trust me, I know because I'm currently going through one of the initial phases in detachment still, but I am confident it will become better with time, and with the RIGHT GOAL set out for why you're doing it. Another advice I'll give you is to delete communication paths, i.e. phone numbers, social media, etc. I know this sounds harsh, but I have done this myself, and it helps with the obsessing over what he/she is doing now. If you block it, you have nothing to obsess about, because you won't have the chance to snoop. It won't help you not feeling sad or affected by the treatment you were exposed to, but you need to focus your energy on yourself for now.

I am interested in knowing if you were the one who initiated the NC or her? Was it a mutual conscent? It doesn't sound like you were silent treated? This is one of the common denominators I've seen on this board so far in most of the failed relationships. To be fair, it sounds as if she actually did give you the closure, but I may interpret your writing wrong?

Or should I "hate" her and move on for good? I'm probably a bit codependent to want this "abuse" again, but I love her and feel like I'm the only one who actually knows why she's doing what she's doing. She'd often say she was emotionally unstable and didn't know why, I wish we would have went to therapy together, she had once suggested it early in the relationship, but I had no idea she may be BPD or that this would eventually happen.

Dialectal behavior therapy (DBT) is one of the more succesful treatment types for BPD (you can look it up and read more about this specific type of mindfulness therapy. Best case scenario you gave it a shot, it would take many years before you would see any improvement, IF ANY. It is a deeply embedded disorder you're dealing with, and it also requires the participation of your ex. It is not easy, and no one other than yourself can make up this choice for you.  I will tell you this though, I still love my ex-BPD with all the passion and love I have in me, but I also know, that unless he/she reaches out and agrees to go into therapy, there will be no going back for me. And still, even if this was the case, I would never be sure that it would actually happen, given the manipulations and lies that have already been fed to me for several years. You need to tread carefully in this situation, and first and foremost think of your own well-being. You described how you feel, and you need to find yourself and your inner strength and core values again, before you can even attempt to be there for her.

I wish you a good recovery, and please keep asking questions, and we will all help you the best way possible.

[ravfour4]

Thanks peacefulmind! Throughout our relationship she always knew something was a bit "off" with herself - "I don't know why I get such a bad temper, but I do", "I don't know what to do when you're sick with a bad cold!" etc. She even suggested going back to therapy (she went for a while after her abusive relationship), but I ensured her she was just fine, but if she wanted to, to go for it... .hindsight is 20/20.

NC

I initiated NC. She multiple times while living with me would do very flirty things and later would say "I did that?". One moment she'd say "I don't care about you at all", the next she'd break-down crying saying "I don't know what I'm doing with my life or if this is the right decision, I need to go home to see my mom, be good tonight at the concert please, don't worry that that guy is calling me at all, he's out of the picture" and hug me goodbye. Then she'd come back and be like "what are you talking about? I wasn't sad. I never was thinking about getting back with you". She also kept texting me and apparently didn't realize this was continually dragging me along for the ride.

After the terribly botched attempt at getting back together on a Wednesday, which ended up in her trying to find the dumbest tiniest reasons not to give it a chance "wait, will you ever smoke again? But is there any in your room?" Her: "Why didn't you get us a nicer apartment?" Me: "What? I would have in a second, you were insistent on this place saying the others were too expensive so I agreed to get it since you really wanted it". After that she concluded  "Well, at least we saw we aren't meant to be together now". I told her "This didn't work because you didn't forgive me for anything, both of our wounds are still open, and you have a BOYFRIEND that is constantly texting you and sending you flowers that you never told me about, you were never open to giving this a chance, that's why it didn't work".

That Thursday I tried calling her. She didn't answer, then texted me. Then texted me again an hour later and again after that and then called me. I have always responded, but when I don't, she freaks out.

The closure she gave me

She came over a day later (Friday) to give me my keys, while over I said we can't talk for a while now and if you text me I won't text back, she said "I know we need to do that". She seemed lucid on that Wednesday and Friday, she brought up a ton of things I had said the 2 months we lived together post break-up saying "you were right about this, and that, and this and that", apologized for phasing off of me and onto the next guy and for bundling up all her anger and unleashing it on me at once, only once it was too late to fix.  She told me how unhappy she was and that she wasn't sure why she liked this guy. She also admitted to moving her feelings from me to him. During the flirty "let's get back together stage" I said, gimme those feelings back then! she giggled.

Up until now she's always responded to me. I think she's scared to text me now knowing there's a chance I may not respond and/or I'm completely out of her mind - although I'm sure her mom/gma asked "how's "ravfour4" doing?" today when she saw them for mother's day. I had a great relationship with their family, they loved me and in a way felt like I "saved" their daughter from her terrible past.

NC for 9 days has given me the following insight:

-I like to be the "white knight" or "people pleaser" BPD women tend to love.

-When she was my gf, I thought about her 24/7 and was anxious when I was away from her. I may be a bit codependent.

-This break-up was not all my fault. I cared about her 100% and tried so hard to break through her shield for months before finally giving up and distancing myself. I put up with "abuse" without knowing it. I was blinded.

-My ex-ex broke-up with me in a similarly abrupt manner and after careful thought, I think she may have been BPD as well.

-I also think my completely over-controlling mother shows many BPD traits as well

The plan

My current plan is to wait a few more weeks and then ask her if she wants to go to the dog park with our dog. I will stay as detached as posssible, be confident and calm and view her from a new point of view. I want to let her know "I understand you, I know why you get so angry sometimes, why you can't deal with conflict well (she'd often try to resolve it with sex, not having the words to do so) etc. I get you, even better than you get yourself. I'll always be here for you".

[peacefulmind]

Thanks peacefulmind! Throughout our relationship she always knew something was a bit "off" with herself - "I don't know why I get such a bad temper, but I do", "I don't know what to do when you're sick with a bad cold!" etc. She even suggested going back to therapy (she went for a while after her abusive relationship), but I ensured her she was just fine, but if she wanted to, to go for it... .hindsight is 20/20.

I initiated NC. She multiple times while living with me would do very flirty things and later would say "I did that?". One moment she'd say "I don't care about you at all", the next she'd break-down crying saying "I don't know what I'm doing with my life or if this is the right decision, I need to go home to see my mom, be good tonight at the concert please, don't worry that that guy is calling me at all, he's out of the picture" and hug me goodbye. Then she'd come back and be like "what are you talking about? I wasn't sad. I never was thinking about getting back with you". She also kept texting me and apparently didn't realize this was continually dragging me along for the ride.

After the terribly botched attempt at getting back together on a Wednesday, which ended up in her trying to find the dumbest tiniest reasons not to give it a chance "wait, will you ever smoke again? But is there any in your room?" Her: "Why didn't you get us a nicer apartment?" Me: "What? I would have in a second, you were insistent on this place saying the others were too expensive so I agreed to get it since you really wanted it". After that she concluded  "Well, at least we saw we aren't meant to be together now". I told her "This didn't work because you didn't forgive me for anything, both of our wounds are still open, and you have a BOYFRIEND that is constantly texting you and sending you flowers that you never told me about, you were never open to giving this a chance, that's why it didn't work".

That Thursday I tried calling her. She didn't answer, then texted me. Then texted me again an hour later and again after that and then called me. I have always responded, but when I don't, she freaks out.

She came over a day later (Friday) to give me my keys, I said we can't talk for a while now if you text me I won't text back, she said "I know we need to do that". She seemed lucid on that Wednesday and Friday, she brought up a ton of things I had said the 2 months we lived together post break-up saying "you were right about this, and that, and this and that", apologized for phasing off of me and onto the next guy and for bundling up all her anger and unleashing it on me at once, only once it was too late to fix.  She told me how unhappy she was and that she wasn't sure why she liked this guy.

Up until now she's always responded to me. I think she's scared to text me now knowing there's a chance I may not respond and/or I'm completely out of her mind - although I'm sure her mom/gma asked "how's "ravfour4" doing?" today when she saw them for mother's day. I had a great relationship with their family, they loved me and in a way felt like I "saved" their daughter from her terrible past.

NC for 9 days has given me the following insight:

-I like to be the "white knight" or "people pleaser" BPD women tend to love.

-When she was my gf, I thought about her 24/7 and was anxious when I was away from her. I may be a bit codependent.

-This break-up was not all my fault. I cared about her 100% and tried so hard to break through her shield for months before finally giving up and distancing myself. I put up with "abuse" without knowing it. I was blinded.

-My ex-ex broke-up with me in a similarly abrupt manner and after careful thought, I think she may have been BPD as well.

-I also think my completely over-controlling mother shows many BPD traits as well

NC for 9 days has given me the following insight:

-I like to be the "white knight" or "people pleaser" BPD women tend to love.

I can relate, I am the exact same way, and it is something I need to work on. It's an honorable trait, but asserting ones own boundaries is the first step to find a good respectful mutual relationship. You know what to work on!

-When she was my gf, I thought about her 24/7 and was anxious when I was away from her. I may be a bit codependent.

I wouldn't say this is the strict definition of co-dependency but it has certain parts of it embedded. I myself have certain traits of co-dependency, and it mostly has to do with my own upbringing. I had a talk with another member about this. If this was what we project in our relationship with pwBPD, there is no doubt why they feel engulfed by us, and the paradox to this matter is the fact that we feel these people need to be taken care of, and needs us. Therefore, we are roughly speaking enabling their bad behavior. Certainly another thing I need to work on with myself before I ever start looking for another relationship.

-This break-up was not all my fault. I cared about her 100% and tried so hard to break through her shield for months before finally giving up and distancing myself. I put up with "abuse" without knowing it. I was blinded.

This is true for most of the members on this board who have come out of a BPD-relationship. I think an important note to make here is, that you stated "it was not ALL my fault", and the fact that you acknowledge your own doings in the relationship and how this may have affected and enabled your ex-BPD is a really good step towards healing and forgiving yourself. Ultimately, we have been treated bad, but it always takes two to tango.

-My ex-ex broke-up with me in a similarly abrupt manner and after careful thought, I think she may have been BPD as well.

This is the past. You need to focus on the present and how you're feeling at this exact moment, and work from there. Opening up old wounds won't do you any good. You have already admitted to have flaws yourself, work from there and work on being a better "you". We don't deserve to be treated the way we have been, but the healing process will help us unravel our own wrongdoings in said relationship.

-I also think my completely over-controlling mother shows many BPD traits as well

The plan

My current plan is to wait a few more weeks and then ask her if she wants to go to the dog park with our dog. I will stay as detached as posssible, be confident and calm and view her from a new point of view. I want to let her know "I understand you, I know why you get so angry sometimes, why you can't deal with conflict well (she'd often try to resolve it with sex, not having the words to do so) etc. I get you, even better than you get yourself. I'll always be here for you".

If this is something you feel assertive enough to do, then I definitely won't deny it is a good idea. You need to heal yourself and gain knowledge as to how you can assert your boundaries first. It seems to me you're not ready to leave this relationship yet?

[ravfour4]

I think it's the "white knight" in me wanting to save her more than ever "Oh my god, he understands what's going on with me deep down, let me be his forever". Or "If I give up on her, she'll never know what's going on and will keep repeating this pattern forever". Understanding her condition more and hearing that she loved me just 2 weeks ago makes me feel like she's just going insane right now, really does still care about me (although she may not know it) and fled because she was scared.  In reality, after being cheated on and lied to for months, I shouldn't give a sh*t about her.

Even if I got her back, she'd probably just repeat this same pattern again if I ever strayed from being "perfect", which inevitably I would. She'd break me down over a couple of years I'm sure, just like she's already done to this 33 year old. What 33 year old with two kids hears "I still care about my ex" and fights for this unstable woman? he should be looking for a mom for his kids.

[peacefulmind]

I think it's the "white knight" in me wanting to save her more than ever "Oh my god, he understands what's going on with me deep down, let me be his forever". Or "If I give up on her, she'll never know what's going on and will keep repeating this pattern forever". Understanding her condition more and hearing that she loved me just 2 weeks ago makes me feel like she's just going insane right now, really does still care about me (although she may not know it) and fled because she was scared.  In reality, after being cheated on and lied to for months, I shouldn't give a sh*t about her.

Even if I got her back, she'd probably just repeat this same pattern again if I ever strayed from being "perfect", which inevitably I would. She'd break me down over a couple of years I'm sure, just like she's already done to this 33 year old. What 33 year old with two kids hears "I still care about my ex" and fights for this unstable woman? he should be looking for a mom for his kids.

Sounds to me your own motives for reaching out are not entirely clear. I think you need to re-think this and give yourself time to put it into perspective. You have come a long way since you're already setting up different scenarios. Now you just need to choose the right one for your own sake, NOT her's.

Put more blatant, would you stay in this relationship for another year or two, if you knew that it would end the same way that it already has once?

[ravfour4]

I'm definitely waiting a few weeks to re-evaluate at that point. I'm quite confident that due to her BPD she wasn't able to and will not be able to give me what I'd want/need in a relationship, but I would like to remain in each other's lives if possible, but the chances of me doing that and not catching feelings for her are minimal. And your average person would tell me to never talk to her again after what she did to me.

If I somehow could get back together with her, she understood she had BPD and we went to therapy together, I would want to pursue a future with her, I really care about her, but right now I'm too scared she'd just repeat this somewhat uncontrollable pattern. If I knew she'd repeat this, there's no way I'd want to waste the next 2 years of my life (I'm 26 now) going through this again when I could be finding a woman I could marry and have kids with.

[peacefulmind]

I'm definitely waiting a few weeks to re-evaluate at that point. I'm quite confident that due to her BPD she wasn't able to and will not be able to give me what I'd want/need in a relationship, but I would like to remain in each other's lives if possible, but the chances of me doing that and not catching feelings for her are minimal. And your average person would tell me to never talk to her again after what she did to me.

If I somehow could get back together with her, she understood she had BPD and we went to therapy together, I would want to pursue a future with her, I really care about her, but right now I'm too scared she'd just repeat this somewhat uncontrollable pattern. If I knew she'd repeat this, there's no way I'd want to waste the next 2 years of my life (I'm 26 now) going through this again when I could be finding a woman I could marry and have kids with.

I, or anyone else for that matter of sake, can tell you what is right to do. I have seen many attempts trying to rekindle friendship with ex-BPDs and the problem is, their need to control and keep you close is usually taking over the rational of staying in a mutual respectful friendship. Just as much as you think you can handle, just as much will they not be able to. There may be some success stories I am missing, but generally, I haven't heard of many of such caliber. If you want to attempt I would tell you to follow your heart. The problem is, the heart is usually what is crushed first. I'm naturally biased coming out of a BPD-relationship with gradual devaluation which was so subtle that I lost myself worse than ever before.

I had a talk with a friend earlier, and I asked him for his honest opinion... .Once I get completely detached, if he thought it would be a good idea to try and reach out and see if my ex-BPD would want a friendship. He said, why would you do that to yourself? It sounds harsh, but it's the ugly truth, at least in my case. You will make the right choice for yourself, and this board and its members will support you regardless.

[ravfour4]

Thanks for taking the time to read my story by the way. It's helpful to write it all down, helps put it in perspective. I've been on another forum, but it wasn't BPD focused, just relationships in general.

The only way me meeting up with her would work is if I could keep my emotional distance, be cocky/confident and not give into any of her BS. I think I could do it, but I need to be 100% sure before I take myself multiple steps backwards. I'll never truly know until I try and I think she'd agree to a "want to go to the park with our dog?" since she loved that little guy that we got together - but maybe she hates him now too that he's out of sight?

I have definitely noticed, as others have mentioned, that if I stay cold, she'll reveal her emotions, while if I show my emotions, she'll go cold. I just can't imagine she's happy right now - new stressful job, no dog anymore, new weird boyfriend situation, few to no friends etc. I'm in a way waiting for that "I made a mistake!", but based on what she did and who she is deep down, I don't think I could ever be with her again. If we could be friends, that'd be awesome, but like you said, it's near impossible with a BPD who will want to "control" me. I crave having her in my life, but it's the old her, not the new or perhaps, "real" her who hurt me when I needed her most, without remorse.

[ravfour4]

So, I took the day off work today and finally caught up on my sleep. I believe I'm thinking clearly and have the desire to meet up with my ex for the following reasons:

1) To test my progress - can I really see her without feeling terrible emotions now that my eyes have been opened to what really happened and her BPD?

2) To test validating her feelings to see how that works - I used to do that when we first started dating unknowingly, but she wore me down over the years where I'd just say "what you're saying makes no sense!"

3) It bothers me that she's painted me black, a part of me wants to work hard to reverse that. I want to just be my calm, confident self around her so she can't be so hateful.

4) To show off my new confident self. To take back "control" in a way. I was a mess the last few times I saw her, I don't think it necessarily came off that way, but inside my head was crazy.

Best case scenario: It goes well, we have fun and I don't leave it feeling obsessed/sad OR she denies the request and it's that much more obvious that I must move on.

Worst case scenario: She denies it meanly OR it goes terribly OR it goes well, but I leave it feeling obsessed/sad.

It really seems like a coin flip right now, what do y'all think?

[peacefulmind]

So, I took the day off work today and finally caught up on my sleep. I believe I'm thinking clearly and have the desire to meet up with my ex for the following reasons:

1) To test my progress - can I really see her without feeling terrible emotions now that my eyes have been opened to what really happened and her BPD?

2) To test validating her feelings to see how that works - I used to do that when we first started dating unknowingly, but she wore me down over the years where I'd just say "what you're saying makes no sense!"

3) It bothers me that she's painted me black, a part of me wants to work hard to reverse that. I want to just be my calm, confident self around her so she can't be so hateful.

4) To show off my new confident self. To take back "control" in a way. I was a mess the last few times I saw her, I don't think it necessarily came off that way, but inside my head was crazy.

Best case scenario: It goes well, we have fun and I don't leave it feeling obsessed/sad OR she denies the request and it's that much more obvious that I must move on.

Worst case scenario: She denies it meanly OR it goes terribly OR it goes well, but I leave it feeling obsessed/sad.

It really seems like a coin flip right now, what do y'all think?

I understand your reaction and your feelings. After my BU, all I wanted was to reach out, to figure out if there was still a hope, or if I could get closure. Right now, I'm thankful that I didn't. It wouldn't have lead to anything other than pain for myself, since my ex-BPD is unable to show remorse. If you truly do believe this is what you have to do, I'd say go for it, but your post brims of uncertainty, and how can you be self-confident and take "control" if you're uncertain? As I said yesterday, your motives are very unclear, and imho I don't think you will get anything other than more heartache out of it.

[ravfour4]

I'm 99.999% sure I don't want her back as a girlfriend, but I can't deny that if she came onto me strong saying the right things that I'd be open to taking her back. I already know she has a boyfriend and had to see texts from him, so I don't think that can hurt me much more.

I miss having her in my life, we were each other's best friends and she even referred to me as her best friend during that craziness where we almost got back together less than 2 weeks ago. I initiated NC so I think she's respecting it. A part of me hopes she doesn't respond so I'm forced to move on, but she probably will. I'm confident that I can keep my distance, would validate her emotions and would not talk about "us" at all, I'd just be on my toes ready to react to whatever craziness she threw my way.

I mainly want to test my progress - both in how I feel after I sent the initial text and how I feel in person if we meet up. Right now, I'm confident I could do it with ease, I just know that dealing with a BPD can be very unpredictable so I can't say with certainty I'd stay strong.

[peacefulmind]

I'm 99.999% sure I don't want her back as a girlfriend, but I can't deny that if she came onto me strong saying the right things that I'd be open to taking her back. I already know she has a boyfriend and had to see texts from him, so I don't think that can hurt me much more.

I miss having her in my life, we were each other's best friends and she even referred to me as her best friend during that craziness where we almost got back together less than 2 weeks ago. I initiated NC so I think she's respecting it. A part of me hopes she doesn't respond so I'm forced to move on, but she probably will. I'm confident that I can keep my distance, would validate her emotions and would not talk about "us" at all, I'd just be on my toes ready to react to whatever craziness she threw my way.

I mainly want to test my progress - both in how I feel after I sent the initial text and how I feel in person if we meet up. Right now, I'm confident I could do it with ease, I just know that dealing with a BPD can be very unpredictable so I can't say with certainty I'd stay strong.

I'll tell you what happened to me when I forced myself to test my own progress. I decided one day that today I wanted to feel good, I wanted to feel happy. I arranged to meet up with my friends and go out for some coffee. As soon as I hit the café, the whole idea of feeling fine backfired and I was spiraled into a terrible despair and depression. You have been NC for 9 days. I have been NC for a little over a month and I am no where near reaching a stage where I want to validate my own progress. It's simply too early. I understand that we all react differently to this, but I guess I'm just wondering how much self-healing and awareness you have gained throughout the last 9 days? One thing is to know it's a duck, another thing is to understand what a duck can do (to you).

My ex-BPD told me for several years I was his/her best friend. I now realise that it was never anything but empty words, because best friends would never treat one another like he/she did me. You may find solace in her words, but it's her actions that define her true character.

If you feel you can do it with ease, then I won't tell you not to do it. I'm just trying to give you some perspective as to what can happen if you rush it. You can end up setting back the healing process even further and feel worse than before you decided to take another leap of faith. Think about yourself first and foremost. You say you want to test your progress, but dig deeper and find out if there's another motive for meeting up (wanting to get back together, wanting to tell her what her problem is, etc etc.) All these motives need to be completely clear to you before you break NC imo.

[ravfour4]

Well, after an unexpected turn of events and resisting the urge to contact her, I looked down and saw a text from her "Can you call me back please when you get a minute?". Life is crazy sometimes, isn't it?

She had called my work apparently and I called her back. She had her "nice" voice on and said it was our dog's bday and she wanted to bring over some presents later, then started mentioning how she was riding the bike I got her on the path me, her and my dad used to ride on, asked me what apartments I was looking at and told me where she was going to be living (a month ago she yelled at me saying she didn't want me to know where she lived anymore... .)

She's coming over in a few hours, I'll have my guard up like crazy, but this is the first time she wanted to see me since the break-up, I have zero hopes, she's a lost cause, and I'm going to do all I can to prevent this from pulling me back. If I can successfully keep my guard up the entire time she's here after she wanted to come see me, I'll feel in control and can easily resume NC afterwards if need be.

[ravfour4]

Lol man oh man, you won't believe what happened.

Yes, it involved her breaking NC. Yes, I still think she's a bit insane and I was able to view her as the BPD person she is, rather than my "amazing" (ha!) ex-gf. I actually laughed at her after she left, she's ridiculous. I do not think this will take me steps backward.

She Breaks NC

I take the day off work. Contemplated breaking NC to meet up with her - resisted. Look down a few hours later and see a text saying "call me please when you get a minute". I wait a while and give her a call. She's got her "nice" voice on, mentions it's our dog's birthday and that she brought him some treats she'd like to bring over. I mention I'm apartment hunting, she starts telling me we'd be neighbors if I moved there (just a month ago she was yelling at me saying she didn't want me to know where she lived) and that she'd like to come over later, I agree.

Her Visit

She comes over, I have my guard up like crazy and she mentions her mom was really mad at her lately (I assume because of me, but don't ask why - she later validates that). We're playing with the dog and soon after that guy calls her. I smile and say "he's always gotta call when you're over doesn't he?". She goes, "yeah, I don't know about him anymore".

He keeps texting and calling (probably like 5 times) - "why aren't you answering?" "this isn't about the dog" and she keeps ignoring them, telling me she misses things about me and our dog and should have given us a second chance. She even has the nerve to ask me if I want to answer, I tell her to quit dragging me into this. She hangs up on him again and I smile and say "you love this don't you? you love making him jealous". She starts mentioning how she doesn't like him anymore (now that I finally went NC and he's about to move out of his house with his wife - aka their relationship is actually becoming real rather than some sneak around BS).

I stayed calm, validated her feelings about our relationship, made fun of how ridiculous she's being and how ridiculous she has been in a sly way that had her agreeing, rather than getting mad.

She mentions she thinks about me and our dog all the time and wishes she would have given us a second chance. I tell her that I'm going to remain silent and she will have to reach out if she wants to talk. She leaves.

Conclusion

Recycle attempt? Yes. Loving making that guy jealous? Yep. Ridiculous? Yep. Glad I'm free of that BS? Hell yes. Sort of happy that I'm no longer painted black and she still likes me? Yes, of course.

This was seemingly a positive experience. I controlled the situation for once, she no longer saw me "black", I was able to see her true colors and I maintained my dignity throughout.

[ravfour4]

So... .I got "the call".

Lots of apologies, broke things off with the other guy, deleted each other's numbers, apologized for everything (said she has a million more apologies to give), recognized the mistakes she made during and after our relationship, said she really wanted to go to dinner with me last week but he convinced her otherwise (ha), recognized her emotional instability, said the last few months seems like a blur, missed me the entire time and realized that I was better in every way. Wants to take it super slow, realizes it will take a long time to regain my trust, knows that I may not be able to forgive her. Wants me in her life as a friend if we don't work out as a couple, recognized that I've been the only stable positive relationship in her life. She even sounded interested in therapy.

My POV

Nice to hear the apologies, but they don't mean much at the moment. Not really excited, I know better than to get my hopes up at all. I'm willing to take it SUPER slow, definitely no "hey! we're bf and gf again!", we'll meet up for coffee or something casual and see what happens. I have not forgotten how she acted or what she did, it will take time and A LOT of effort on her end to regain my trust, if it's even possible. Her interest in therapy was the best part, she actually sounds like she wants to change (could be temporary, I know).

Guard is still up (rightfully so), I'm not doubting her ability to flip flop back, although she does sound certain.

[michel71]

In reading all the posts and your desire to recontact I can't help but think... .isn't it like a pyromaniac saying " I don't want to set anything on fire, I just want to light a match and see if I can control myself".

[ravfour4]

I'm sure by now most of you have seen my other post, but we ended up hanging out everyday and then she just went right back to that other guy because she has feelings for him and can't control how she feels.

During that time, I became the white knight again, we reconnected as close friends - but then she tore my heart out once again after a series of lies.