accepting responsibilty

[Mel1968]

Hello

I joined on Saturday and spent most of the weekend reading your posts, so helpful, so generous of spirit, it helped me no end... .and passed the weekend... .

At first I posted on this board and then it was suggested I move to the Undecided board, because I clearly still love my exuBPDgf and  hoped... .

But I HAVE to be on this board now. I HAVE to. Once again, I'm reeling, my head is spinning and I feel completely out of control and unable to breathe.

And she has blocked me from all forms of contact, email, phone, everything, saying she does not love me, and never wants to hear from me again. And I know she means it. She did it to her other partners and now she's done the same to me. And I know that the truth is that she is doing me the biggest favour by leaving me, no matter how much I hate it. I need her out of my life, it's making me ill.

THeres no point in me going over what happened, you've all been there I'm sure.

But what I would really appreciate some support and understanding with is what I can do about constantly feeling the need to try and justify and defend myself and get her to see the truth when she's accused me of something?

What happens, and what has become increasingly intolerable for me ( and therefore for her) is that she accuses me of something untrue, usually having feelings  for someone else that I don't have or doing something that I haven't done (often sex with somebody) I then deny it - because it's not true. She then gets furious because I won't Accept Responsibility For My Actions. But they're not true! I'm not going to accept responsibility for something I haven't done!

So, in this final breakup, she dumps me because of a crime I'm refusing to accept responsibility for, dumped by text, refuses to speak on phone. So i, over the next few days, keep thinking of things that I believe I just HAVE to say, always, I suppose in the hope that THIS will be the time she realises that I'm telling the truth.

So yesterday she rings me, and says I can tell you're frustrated so let's talk about ending this nicely, saying what we need and moving on. I think, wow! We talk, its all lovely really, acknowledging how much we love each other but this cannot work. She says she's going to cut me from her life because that's what she does, I say I'll be there for you in the future, because that's what I do.

And I feel ok. Better than I have done in two weeks. closure. Ish. But then the one thing that I didn't say crept into my head, and after 24 hours of trying to ignore the need, I emailed her a very kind, non nasty email explaining why she ws wrong in thinking what she does but I love her and if she ever realises, I'll be there.

So she rings me, and rants about how offended she was, repeats a hundred lies about what I'm supposed to have done. tells me for the first time ever that she Does Not Love Me Any More and for me to leave her alone because I will never ever accept reponsibilty for my actions (which I still haven't done!). It ends up a foul abusive slanging match and then I send her the following email:

I'm sorry for not responding how you need me to.

> Im sorry for keeping on loving you way way past the sell by date.

> Im sorry for keeping on trying to get you to see the truth when I should have realised it was never going to happen.

> I accept responsiblity for all those things.

> But I will never accept responsibility for the lies you have told about me. You can say it til you're blue in the face, you can be offended and not love me. You can believe exactly what you want when you want and how you want.

> BUT IT STILL DOESNT MAKE THE THINGS YOU SAY ABOUT ME TRUE. IT NEVER HAS AND IT NEVER WILL

>

> And if you cannot see the damage that you have done to another human being by constantly saying things about them that aren't true, then shame on you.

To which she replied:

I'm sorry you can never take ownership over your own actions. That's a shame for you and all you have lost.

____________________________

I'm really sorry that this overlong and probably oversharing. I've never done this before but I am truly beside myself and could really really do with some help

1- to see where I went wrong this time and what I can do differently to avoid doing it again

2- how to make my peace with the fact she believes such awful things about me

3- how to move on... .I KNOW NC is the way to go but please can anyone give me advice on actually how to do that (other than just don't contact her, of course? :-))

I really really need to move on. I am going under.

Thank you.

Mel1968

[Trog]

Having your feelings, and worse, the truth, invalidated is one of the most frustrating experiences you can go through. Often it seems to make no sense at all, the narrative often doesn't even serve the person making the wild accusations. To BPD feelings are facts, you are triggering a feeling she had before about a time when someone committed a crime that you are now accused. Want to go down the rabbit hole? I was accused of murdering her mother and her ex, this later got downgraded for, being responsible in part for their deaths. Of course that is abhorrent, a cruel thing to think and utterly untrue. You are a rational person dealing with an irrational person who confuses feelings with facts and doesn't care actually about truth.

I've read that BPD people are stuck at 18-24 months old emotionally, can you reason with a two year old who just lost their balloon? It doesn't seem possible to us to see a grown, otherwise intelligent person react so crazily and accuse us of such utter untruths that hurt both parties, but that's a part of BPD. Eventually, probably already, she'll cool off and some sense may return, apology probably not. Imagine being so irrational?

[Mel1968]

Oh my goodness, Trog. Thank you for sharing that, it brought me sharply back to reality, when I was in fact slipping down the rabbit hole.

What you say makes complete sense, and in fact I did already know it to some extent, it's been that knowledge that things are so much worse for her in the believing of these things than it is for me in the being accused - because I know the difference between reality and not ( mostly, although recently I've started to doubt that) - that has kept me putting up with such awful hurtful accusations and lies.

I just need to commit bits of what you've said to heart and remember that you cannot rationalise with an irrational person, no matter that she sometimes seems fine and no matter how many different articulate ways you have of presenting your case ... .  and the bottom line is that ALL evidence and experience show that, much as I like to believe otherwise, even if this thing passes, there'd always be another crime for me to have committed --- and it;s making me ill.

Thank you

Mel

[Achaya]

People with BPD are very distrustful, based on how they have been treated as well as how they think about and treat others, and based also on who knows what other factors inside them. My most recent ex didn't accuse me of lying about my love for her, but the previous partner did this to me a lot. My understanding is that she would get distrustful about me and she would resolve her fear by going to the worst conclusion, that I was about to abandon her or devalue her. She seemed to be more comfortable assuming the worst than hanging out with her uncertainty and giving me a chance to show her who I really was. She would then project this negativity onto me. When I would try to tell her how I really felt, in an effort to reassure her and to give voice to my separate experience, she would get very aggressive and tell me that I was "being defensive." She generally was more attached to her negative, distrustful views than to any hopes she had that I would come through for her. She also didn't seem to want to have a relationship with a separate person who had needs, thoughts, feelings and a life of her own. A lot of the time she was involved in negative emotional relating to parts of herself, and the parts she feared the most were projected onto me.

[Irish Pride]

I'm really sorry that this overlong and probably oversharing. I've never done this before but I am truly beside myself and could really really do with some help

1- to see where I went wrong this time and what I can do differently to avoid doing it again

2- how to make my peace with the fact she believes such awful things about me

3- how to move on... .I KNOW NC is the way to go but please can anyone give me advice on actually how to do that (other than just don't contact her, of course? :-))

I really really need to move on. I am going under.

Thank you.

Mel1968

We've all been there, Mel! Some of us are still there. First, don't be sorry. No one should be sorry for sharing their emotions.

1. Explain what you mean about "where you went wrong". Do you mean getting involved with someone w/BPD, staying with someone w/BPD? Or something else, entirely?

2. I wish there was a magic cure for this. There isn't. Just time. For me, once I truly moved on and accepted the fact that we were truly over, what she thought of me began to subside. It doesn't matter what she thinks of me, because her thoughts are not rational. Even if they were, it's her opinion. Let her have it. I know this is cliche, too, but when you learn to love (or begin to love) yourself, all that stuff gets less and less. I'm not all the way there... .yet. But I'm a far cry from where I was 6 months ago.

3. Same as #2. Only once you truly cut the cord are you free to move on. I posted this in the "Inspirations" thread, and I hope it helps you

https://www.facebook.com/Dodinsky/photos/a.106927599360651.22282.101401346579943/849000935153310/?type=1

Keep posting, it helps! We're here for you!

[Mel1968]

Thanks Achaya and Irish Pride!

I'm starting to feel much calmer and less out of control/ utterly alone again.

Achaya - so much of what you say I could have written myself. I've read several of your posts over my weekend of reading compulsively and identify with so much of what you say, especially in terms of your understanding and emotional response to things, which seems very much like my own . Thank you for sharing, it's helped me enormously.

Irish Pride - Where I went wrong - something else entirely! I don't think I went wrong falling in love with her, or staying, its been the most amazing two years, despite all, and I've learned a lot - and suspect I'm about to learn a lot more. I suppose I meant in my way of interacting with her this time, in case she does get in touch again- what could I have done differently so that there wasnt such escalation / I don't end up feeling so completely awful, out of control and hating myself for not doing or saying something to make it ok.

Ah, but I imagine your answer may be that I probably couldn't have done anything... .(maybe that was a hint of a penny getting poised to drop?). BUt maybe theres something I'm not seeing. Hope that makes sense.

I think I'm realising that I have some pretty major issues with self esteem. I didn't really realise I had, I always felt myself to be a confident capable person. I know that's something I have to delve into, although the thought is terrifying if I'm honest.

Thank you for the link - it made me smile with recognition of its truth. The word that resonated most strongly is Dignified. I don't think I've been very dignified recently in my dealings with gf. and that doesn't feel good to me. Tomorrow it is going to be my mantra - that and You can't rationalise with the irrational!

Thank you both

Mel

[Irish Pride]

Irish Pride - Where I went wrong - something else entirely! I don't think I went wrong falling in love with her, or staying, its been the most amazing two years, despite all, and I've learned a lot - and suspect I'm about to learn a lot more. I suppose I meant in my way of interacting with her this time, in case she does get in touch again- what could I have done differently so that there wasnt such escalation / I don't end up feeling so completely awful, out of control and hating myself for not doing or saying something to make it ok.

Ah, but I imagine your answer may be that I probably couldn't have done anything... .(maybe that was a hint of a penny getting poised to drop?). BUt maybe theres something I'm not seeing. Hope that makes sense.

I think I'm realising that I have some pretty major issues with self esteem. I didn't really realise I had, I always felt myself to be a confident capable person. I know that's something I have to delve into, although the thought is terrifying if I'm honest.

Honestly, I don't think there's a clear cut answer to that. You're asking a rational question involving an irrational person. It's hard to say that, had you said, or done, anything differently that the outcome would've been different. Or it may have, but may have been worse. To me, it's very hard to see the world through their eyes. I used to be very keen on seeing things from both sides of the fence. It's one of the reasons this relationship had put me into such a tailspin. I could NEVER figure out the why's, the how's, the viewpoints, the excuses, the lies, etc. I now have my answer and I'm at peace with it. For the most part.

Self-esteem is one of the major backlashes from being in a relationship with a BPD. Mine is still shot to hell, but it's slowly getting better. Keep talking about it, keep positive and keep moving forward. Between my therapist, and this place, it's changed me for the better. You know what's best for you. Hang in there!

[Trog]

The 'what could we have done differently' question comes up a lot for people newly out of the relationship. At this stage I don't think we're accepting the person is irrational and has a personality disorder. I think when all the dust settles you'll come to the conclusion that what you could have done differently is set firm boundaries (not allowing crazy making behaviour is one of them) but when you set them and stick to them, the relationship doesn't progress any further than that because the BPD needs weak boundaries in a person to be with them. Do you see a pattern in her exes?

We know we should set better boundaries but we don't to try to be accommodating and make a bad relationship work. Perhaps the reality is, we don't want to be alone, or squander our investment?

[Tay25]

Sounds like a basic BPD relationship to me. They have a horriblw knack to twist reality and say you did things based on their feelings. She is blaming you because either:

1: Projection ( She can't accept responsibility for anything, so she blames you to feel better)

2. She feels inadequate so you have to be punished

Another big thing I noticed is her telling you that you didn't do what she wanted. This is frequent among these relationships. She wants you to be that "perfect" boyfriend or truly her parent (remember they are emotionally stuck at the age of a 2/3 year old) therefore her expectations are very unrealistic and she will expect you to know what her needs are on respond to them just as the parent of a child would do. Even if you do manage to achieve them she will change them to something else, its a never ending battle to please that cannot be won. Mine would constantly tell me that "I need to change" this was her way of telling me I'm not meeting her needs (which can only be interpreted by mind readers) or expectations (which are impossible to meet). It was also her projecting her own feelings onto me and I gladly accepted them at the time which made her feel better.

The one thing I can tell you is to give up! We can't win with these people and we never will. Their sense of shame is so deeply entrenched they cannot accept responsibility for anything that's why they constantly blame those around them for their feelings and situation. Remember that they also think in black and white therefore if she accepts anything she has done to be "bad" she will regard herself as a "bad" person which would be too much a burden to handle with their other symptoms of emptiness, etc.

To start your healing process you have to disarm that urge You (Myself and many here) have to find whats make them tick. Many of us have spent endless hours reading on BPD and trying to understand what happened in our relationships and it has helped to some extent. It comes to a point where it becomes merely a distraction to the real work that needs to be done, on ourselves.

1. Adopt more assertive behavior and communication

   Figure out what you would have done differently for relationships in the future

2. Accept that she is disordered and can only change with long term care

  Accept that she is no longer your responsibility, your responsibility is yourself

3. Obviously she will be a plague on your mind for a while ( was 2 or so months for me) but just try to remember she has a disorder, this isn't your fault. Although it is important to understand why you were attracted to this person and what you can change/do to not end up with another abusive person.

Try to figure out what you did like and didn't like about her and yourself. Then do what needs to be done.

Good luck to you Mel! Many of us are going through a similar process, myself included. Stay strong you are not alone.

[peacefulmind]

A lot of good advice from Trog, Irish Pride, Achaya, and Tay25. Especially Trog's last comment hits the nail on the spot. I've come to realise over the many talks I've had with the members on this forum, that our boundaries are the poison of a pwBPD. It's the same boundaries they degrade in order to obtain the most valuable of your own 'self' for their projection needs. In my case, my boundaries were weak to begin with, because I had been conditioned for several years into thinking I knew my ex-BPD when in fact the empty words and manipulations were real from the beginning. I just never saw it, so the boundaries were easy to remove. I have lost my own sense of 'self' in the process, I've lost my self-confidence, and I have been close to say goodbye to this world several times throughout this period of grief. I am, however, feeling in a better place. There's still a long long way to go for me, and after the grief is done, I have some self-realisation to do in order to become more aware of my own issues and faults. Because it always takes two to tango.

Ask yourself the question Trog set up for you: ":)o you see a pattern in her exes?", but ask yourself this! I see the pattern for myself, and I've realised I've only ever been with one 'non' my entire life, and I have never ever realised this until I read these boards.

1- to see where I went wrong this time and what I can do differently to avoid doing it again

This is to some extent true. Often, our own issues are hidden underneath our self-pity and the feeling of being betrayed and wronged. These feelings are not unwarranted in any way, but once you detach you will see everything from another perspective, and that's the time you need to start looking into yourself. One thing is to see where you went wrong 'THIS TIME', but you will have to dig deeper than that to unravel the roots of your former relationship, and why you ended up with this person in the first place. It takes a lot of determination and self-control to dig into your very own soul, your childhood, the patterns of your life. But it is something I, myself, am planning on doing once my grieving is over.

2- how to make my peace with the fact she believes such awful things about me

This is an ugly aftermath of many BPD relationships. I have no idea what my ex-BPD has told about me, but when I went back and looked at the patterns from his/her former relationships (where I was a part of two of them), I see the problem and I see the pattern. No doubt I have been painted black and everyone I met when I went to visit my ex-BPD have been told I'm a horrible human being, despite I know that I did everything humanly possible to bring happiness to this person. It's a truth we have to get around and accept, there's nothing more we can do about it.

3- how to move on... .I KNOW NC is the way to go but please can anyone give me advice on actually how to do that (other than just don't contact her, of course? :-))

The fact that you're now broken up, there is no one else but yourself to work on. The pain you feel is self-inflicted, not caused by words or actions of her's. My best advice to you is to delete all contact paths, i.e. social media (facebook), phone numbers, emails, and so on. The obsessing becomes real and it's one of the worst feelings to continue down that path of self-destructiveness. My own obesssiveness has drastically reduced after I cut all contact and removed any sign of my ex-BPD in my life. It was a necessity if I was to survive the hurt I have been put through. This is the true power of NC, you are able to focus on yourself, but only if you allow yourself to. Please allow yourself to do this. I had to do it, and it was a friendship that had lasted several years, and a person I loved truly and cared more for than myself for all that time. It was hard, the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but it has paid back plenty.

All the best wishes for you and your recovery.

[Mel1968]

Yes, I think you're right, Irish Pride - one of the big hooks for me has always been to try and understand her viewpoint. I think it'll be hard to give that up, but essential I guess, if I'm to move away from the crazy making ruminations. And desire to fix things that I cannot fix ( although sadly, even as I write that I'm thinking, "Oh, but I'm sure I can if I just come up with the right plan/thing to say". I'm admitting this only because I made myself smile at the thought!)

You said, "  I now have my answer and I'm at peace with it." Is it possible for you to explain what your answer is at all, please? I know that we're all so very different that the answers we need will be so very varied too, but I'm so far from even beginning to know what an answer for me may be that it may help me if you are able to explain... .

Trog - That is exactly what has happened - I started setting boundaries and saying exactly what I'd accept (which was still a lot of awfulness by non BPD standards, that my friends couldn't believe I'd put up with)  but also I was clear about what I wouldn't accept... .which was telling me I'd done or said or thought this or that and calling me awful horrible abusive names. Unfortunately, once I started challenging each time she said it, or even just saying, please don't say that, the ante was just upped, but I just couldn't go back to accepting it any more. Unfortunately, I don't come out of this whiter than white as I got increasingly angry each time she did it, and behaving and speaking in increasingly aggressive and nasty ways. I barely recognised myself  and I hate that.

You ask about exes - all I know, from her as I 've only recently moved here so don't know anyone who knows, is that they all abused her, they all cheated on her until she left them. Just what she's now no doubt saying about me. Apart from the one before me, who killed herself and blamed it on my ex. All so very very tragic. But I am not those exes, and I know for an absolute fact that I've only tried to love her and be kind, even though I haven't always managed it. And I also know that all she really wants is a loving relationship with The One, who she can adore and be loyal to in return. So very very sad

Thanks again for the support, feel very lucky to have found this site

Mel

[Trog]

They probably all abused her by denying the terrible things she accused them of! Or finally lost their rag defending themselves from imagined crimes. Beware the perma-abused! Beware 'the one'! There's 7b people out there. It's quite a hook to believe you may be 'the one' I was told i was the one, so much the one she can't do basic things to keep our marriage afloat. It's a hook.

[phxrising]

Mel1968--I will speak to the no-contact. Simplest thing is to block their number and email. It is simply to easy to continue the conditioned behavior of checking the phone every time is buzzes or notifies you of incoming texts, emails or phone calls. It will take a while to break the Pavlovian response of picking up the phone. It will happen.

I have done that a few times with my friend with BPD, when he once again did the push-pull, you're perfect/you're ___. I needed time. I would check the phone frequently, feeling like I MUST have missed the notification (we used to text and email frequently every day).

[Irish Pride]

Yes, I think you're right, Irish Pride - one of the big hooks for me has always been to try and understand her viewpoint. I think it'll be hard to give that up, but essential I guess, if I'm to move away from the crazy making ruminations. And desire to fix things that I cannot fix ( although sadly, even as I write that I'm thinking, "Oh, but I'm sure I can if I just come up with the right plan/thing to say". I'm admitting this only because I made myself smile at the thought!)

You said, "  I now have my answer and I'm at peace with it." Is it possible for you to explain what your answer is at all, please? I know that we're all so very different that the answers we need will be so very varied too, but I'm so far from even beginning to know what an answer for me may be that it may help me if you are able to explain... .

My answer was this. She was diagnosed w/BPD by "our" therapist, who is now my therapist. It's a really long story (lots of recycling) but once the therapist made this known to me, I researched. Not as much as I should've, at first, but did at the end. I did my homework. The one conclusion I came to was this... .she definitely has BPD. Absolutely no doubt. I wrote her a final email, my closure. It didn't go over too well.

My answer is that she has BPD and won't do anything about it. Nothing more I can but to move on. I've made this analogy several times before, but she was pulling me under the water to drown with her, so I cut the cord and am swimming back to shore. There's no rationalizing with an irrational person. It's like playing tennis against a brick wall. You'll NEVER win. From what I've read, and from what I've been told, most BPD's do not/will not seek help for their disorder. It's maddening. But I had to make a choice. Her sanity, or mine. I chose mine.

However, your case may be different. I don't know. My advice would be this. Think. Research. Learn. Listen. Talk. Share. Do your homework. Talk to others. Read and listen to what others have been through. Maybe see a therapist yourself. Once you have made the 100% decision to walk away for good, the true healing starts. It's hurts like hell, but you will come to terms with yourself that it really is for the best.

[Mel1968]

Hello everyone who replied to me when I cried out last night --- thank you!

I've had my first full day of NC in two years today - and that has meant ignoring an email and a phone call, something I've never done before. Each time I was tempted, I thought of you all out there with your own particular nightmares and how strong and generous of spirit everyone was, and though, nah, I want to be on their side, not hers!

Tay25 - your comment about being her parent made me smile - I remembered an email she'd sent me in which she'd said how she had wanted me to be her Forever Partner but autocorrect (or the gods of BPD or something) had changed it to Parent. Ain't that the truth?

peacefulmind - you said The pain you feel is self-inflicted, not caused by words or actions of her's. My initial reaction was, No way! But I think I'm starting to begin to see what you're saying... .it's all about my reaction. Easy for me  to say that, but hard to change I think... .But i can see the value in making the attempt... .

phxrising - I blocked her on FB today but I can't quite bear to do it on phone, because I know that when I've done it for short periods in the past I jsut spend my time wondering if she thinks she's sent me a message, or is trying to call me. Much better for me to see the reality and then ignore or deal with the disappointment if she doesn't... .For now anyway!

Irish Pride - thanks for explaining, it makes a lot of sense to me, and today I've repeated to myself many times just those facts - she has BPD and there's no rationalising with an irrational person. You'll NEVER win. It helped to kind of distance myself a bit.

I know I've said it before but a huge thank you and best best wishes to you all - once again, I'm so glad I found you!

[peacefulmind]

Hello everyone who replied to me when I cried out last night --- thank you!

I've had my first full day of NC in two years today - and that has meant ignoring an email and a phone call, something I've never done before. Each time I was tempted, I thought of you all out there with your own particular nightmares and how strong and generous of spirit everyone was, and though, nah, I want to be on their side, not hers!

Tay25 - your comment about being her parent made me smile - I remembered an email she'd sent me in which she'd said how she had wanted me to be her Forever Partner but autocorrect (or the gods of BPD or something) had changed it to Parent. Ain't that the truth?

peacefulmind - you said The pain you feel is self-inflicted, not caused by words or actions of her's. My initial reaction was, No way! But I think I'm starting to begin to see what you're saying... .it's all about my reaction. Easy for me  to say that, but hard to change I think... .But i can see the value in making the attempt... .

phxrising - I blocked her on FB today but I can't quite bear to do it on phone, because I know that when I've done it for short periods in the past I jsut spend my time wondering if she thinks she's sent me a message, or is trying to call me. Much better for me to see the reality and then ignore or deal with the disappointment if she doesn't... .For now anyway!

Irish Pride - thanks for explaining, it makes a lot of sense to me, and today I've repeated to myself many times just those facts - she has BPD and there's no rationalising with an irrational person. You'll NEVER win. It helped to kind of distance myself a bit.

I know I've said it before but a huge thank you and best best wishes to you all - once again, I'm so glad I found you!

Don't get me wrong... .The rumination and constant reminders of the betrayal and hurt we've been exposed to through our ex's actions are definitely real. I am not trying to downplay how you feel, or that you should not feel it at all. An important process in the healing and detachment is to allow yourself to feel the pain and learn from it. Ask yourself the questions that needs to be answered. How do you move on from here? How do you become a stronger person from this? How can you change yourself so you won't end up making the same mistake again?

All these questions will serve to help you set goals for yourself, to heal and fully detach from your experience, and see another perspective to it. I have gone through hell myself, so I can relate to how you feel. It's a terrible period of self-pity and constant stabbing pain in the heart. As I said earlier, NC and deleting the most used obsessing media (such as facebook, whatsapp, etc.) is a big step towards feeling better. If you can't go and check what's going on on her facebook page, how can you obsess over it? It will all be in your mind, and yes there will be mindgames within yourself. Slowly, you will realise that these thoughts are coming from yourself, not from what you see or what you hear, and it will help you on moving on and at least drastically reduce the ruminating. That's what it has done for me, and I hope it will do the same for you. I still peek every once in a while, and I'm immediately reminded of why I set this boundary for my own healing in the first place, because it's not pretty... .

Help yourself, feel what you feel, and learn from it.

[Mel1968]

So here I am again. I wrote this nearly a week ago, felt all positive and supported by the wise things you all said. And there hasn't been a single day that one or either of us hasn't broken NC.

One of those times because my therapist suggested that it clearly wasn't over so maybe we should both stop pretending it is and work together. Oh my goodness, my therapist condoning getting in contact- brilliant! So we went for a walk, it was all lovely, of course she wants to work with me, she loves me blah blah blah ... .followed by 24 of the most anxiety provoking, see sawing hours in which I ignored every single barbed comment about me and others, me and my secret life, me and, me and, me and... .and the relief when it finally came to a head and she said she didn't want me ever again, she was a fool to think I could ever care about her... .Lots of angry horrible things said by us both. And and then I had a practical home disaster and asked her to help and she did, we just dealt with that, had some pleasant texts aferwards, not about us but about the help she'd given me and the results, all very civilised... .so of course I then start thinking What If... .and ask. And then another barrage of how awful I am, how I don't really want her... .and I'm here a week on feeling just as utterly miserable as I did last week, except even more so because on top of it all, I now also have my own failure when I KNEW what the right thing to do was, I KNOW I have to leave this relationship.

PLease someone, tell me this is common in the midst of the breakup and I will not be stuck here forever, and anything else reassuring anybody can say... .because I  HAVE to get back on track and move away from this awful life sapping toxic relationship once and for all. If I'd been stronger a week ago, I'd be feeling a whole lot better by now. There again, if I'd been stronger a year ago, I'd be feeling a WHOLE lot better by now, I guess!

Argh!

Mel

[Sunfl0wer]

I have been resentful that our MC was telling me to reconnect with my ex when my ex was giving me ST and shunning me.

I think though that I gained from this experience in some ways... .

I got to observe and see what our dynamic was like with more knowledge, with wider open eyes.  I got to process what happens between us, live it, feel it, vs solely ruminate over the loss of my fantasy.

I am still curious to the difference of the way we all here process the ending of these r/s differently if... . 

A) Knowing/understanding and using tools sometime during the r/s.

B) knowing/understanding BPD only after the r/s is already over.

Sometimes I feel that I needed that experience knowing the tools those those last months/yrs with him, just to prove to myself what the truth of our potential was.  (However, I only came here after he already was in detaching mode)  Sometimes I wish I had a year or more on the staying board learning things... .  Even if I knew we would end up apart, I just wanted the experience of doing that self work with another for enough time for me to hone those skills for my own self growth.

I don't think there is a "right" decision to apply to all for NC or LC.

My thoughts are this:

1. Go easy on yourself... .  Don't beat yourself up over this.  The point is to love yourself.  (Not judge yourself or hate yourself for any thought or action)

2.  Whether in/out, LC/NC/full contact... .  Find a way for self growth... .Learn r/s skills... .Use the experience for growth.  Find out what insights you can gain from this.

3. Listen to yourself vs fighting with yourself.

I don't think your individual decisions matter as much as your overall focus on your journey for self discovery and growth.  You can use whatever situation you are in as some sort of opportunity.

That is just my opinion at the moment though... .For what it's worth.

[myself]

I know for an absolute fact that I've only tried to love her and be kind, even though I haven't always managed it.

This is a good place to believe in yourself. To reestablish your self-esteem, which is vital to get through this. Be honest with yourself about who you actually were with her! You don't have to take her (often disordered) word for it, or take the blame for the pains she brought with her into the r/s that she still overly struggles with. Like you, I see that my r/s mostly fell apart due to my partners fears, which turned into her projections (which turned into her seeing me as 'bad' and thus responsible for the r/s falling apart instead of her). Like you, I tried my best to gently show that I was really on her side, offering love and support and yes the proof that I wasn't guilty of the crimes she said I'd done (while more and more establishing boundaries that she raged against instead of respecting) (boundaries that were meant for BOTH of us, not just me). That she could trust me! In the aftermath of the r/s falling apart, I made lists of the things she accused me of, trying to face if she was right about these 'big mistakes' I made or if those were just her own issues being forced onto me so she could feel she had some control over things (as destructive to our togetherness as it ultimately was for her to go that route). I saw that my 'mistakes' were mostly situational, trying to keep my footing in such a turbulent setting. There were times I snapped back, or withdrew while hurt. Times I tested her, too, to see if she really did love me. Finding that the less I played the game, the more real I was. The more real, the more attracted she was, but also the more she pushed against it, finding it difficult to be consistent with that herself. But instead of facing herself, she blamed me and the cycle continued. It was very sad when she called it quits, but also a relief as I found it too hard to let go at the time (we were about to be married and etc). But again, the more I faced who I really am, I saw it doesn't work for me to be with someone who acts in such disordered and destructive ways. Hopefully you continue to find this balance within yourself, knowing that the love you shared with her was as real as the love you can be sharing with yourself.

[Mel1968]

Thanks Sunfl0wer and myself - both of your replies make a lot of sense to me, and have helped me get a bit of perspective back again. The common thread- I have to work on me, but in a kind way that loves me. Not something I'm very good at, I think, but I can learn.

She turned up twice yesterday, I know in the belief that she was magnanimously offering me another chance... .but unfortunately we're both in such a heightened state that there was no way anything good was ever going to result... .and so, once again, it's all over, do not ever contact me again, Mel. So this morning of course I called and left an apologetic message for my part in the row (defending myself against her lies, how dare I?) and sent a text to the same effect, and of course there's now the ST... .

But the difference this morning is that I'm not going to beat myself up about it, I'm going to accept that it's just part of the process, and I'm going to remember what someone (sorry, can't find who just now) said yesterday - the disorder always wins, and everyone else loses. So all that's happening was inevitable, no point in angsting about it. Easier said than done, but surely even the saying of it is a first step... .