Have you connected your head and your heart?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I wasn't quite sure how to phrase the thread title.

I started talking to a trauma coach today and one of the things that was said was that I live in my head too much. I think she said something like we need to help you figure out how to connect your head to your heart.

So, my question is: Has anybody else been told this same thing? If so, what was the process like? How did it feel? What are some tips and pointers you could give?

And yes, I am trying to intellectualize the process so that I know what to expect. 

Any thoughts, input, insight, or anything you want to give me about how to connect my head and my heart would be much appreciated.

[vortex of confusion]

I wasn't quite sure how to phrase the thread title.

I started talking to a trauma coach today and one of the things that was said was that I live in my head too much. I think she said something like we need to help you figure out how to connect your head to your heart.

So, my question is: Has anybody else been told this same thing? If so, what was the process like? How did it feel? What are some tips and pointers you could give?

And yes, I am trying to intellectualize the process so that I know what to expect. 

Any thoughts, input, insight, or anything you want to give me about how to connect my head and my heart would be much appreciated.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey vortex, Sometimes my T and I talk about three different ways of thinking: with your head, with your heart and with your gut.  Another way of looking at it is thinking from the neck down.  It's about listening to your gut feelings, I would suggest, or doing things that your heart tells you to do.  It's a non-linear process.  You could say, in a way, that it is thinking outside the box.  What does your intuition tell you?  What do you know already, before you consciously think about the solution to a problem?  It's hard to express in words, yet I think you get the idea.  LuckyJim

[vortex of confusion]

Hey vortex, Sometimes my T and I talk about three different ways of thinking: with your head, with your heart and with your gut.  Another way of looking at it is thinking from the neck down.  It's about listening to your gut feelings, I would suggest, or doing things that your heart tells you to do.  It's a non-linear process.  You could say, in a way, that it is thinking outside the box.  What does your intuition tell you?  What do you know already, before you consciously think about the solution to a problem?  It's hard to express in words, yet I think you get the idea.  LuckyJim

I get the idea. For me, it is about putting the brakes on the rational parts. My rationalizing mind takes over before I ever really get to a point where I listen to my intuition. My tendency is to drown out my intuition and my gut. There is a huge disconnect.

[Skip]

Wisemind.



https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

This concept of rationalizing the coexistence of these competing forces is really helpful.

[Lucky Jim]

You could also view it as the Left Brain/Right Brain dichotomy.  LJ

[vortex of confusion]

Thanks Skip! I have going down the rabbit hole of links and posts related to that topic.

I found this page: https://bpdfamily.org/2011/04/untangling-internal-struggles-of.html This description fits pretty well what happens to me.

Tibbitts describes what she calls the "dialectal dilemma". The dialectal dilemma is the invading feeling that results when applying logical thought to emotional responses at the time of the response. When this is done by the person having the response or by others it results in a very invalidating and very upsetting experience.

And, I recognize that part of the reason that I have a difficult time getting to the place of Wisemind is because I have outside influences, such as my husband, badgering me and nagging me in such a way that I am not given the time or the space to reach that place of balance.

In the same article that I referenced above, it says:

Tibbitts explains that family members without mood disorders themselves  know that emotions are simply emotions and that they do not need to  responded to them. This is not so clear to a person with a mood disorder.

The speaker goes on to explain that family members also know that when they want to fulfill a goal, emotional responses need to be "put on the shelf" so they can continue with the task at hand. For someone with Borderline Personality Disorder this can be extremely challenging.

What I do most of the time is put my emotional responses on the shelf so that I can maintain equilibrium/control/whatever because I am the one that everyone else looks to for stability. When there is a crisis, I am the one that people come to for help because I am able to keep my wits about me.

LJ, I have done a lot of reading about Left Brain/Right Brain stuff. That was heavily emphasized in some of my courses of study as an undergrad. I have taken several tests and I tend to fall somewhere in the middle.

[jhkbuzz]

Wisemind.



https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

This concept of rationalizing the coexistence of these competing forces is really helpful.

Ah... .and your head and heart have to be connected to attain "wise mind."

[tortuga]

Tibbitts describes what she calls the "dialectal dilemma". The dialectal dilemma is the invading feeling that results when applying logical thought to emotional responses at the time of the response. When this is done by the person having the response or by others it results in a very invalidating and very upsetting experience.

Yes, and I have a couple of big barriers to this.

1. My emotional response - especially for traumatic events, and painful events, is sometimes very delayed. I can go from a few hours, to a few days, before I feel a response, or before I become aware of it.  I think that this is just a defensive habit, and I have learned to try to suppress, or to "hold my stuff together long enough to get out of the crisis".

2. The other problem is - often my crises are induced by the pwBPD in my life. And when I have reacted with my feelings - they get shot down by the pwBPD who is driving the situation.

And, I recognize that part of the reason that I have a difficult time getting to the place of Wisemind is because I have outside influences, such as my husband, badgering me and nagging me in such a way that I am not given the time or the space to reach that place of balance.

I think that a lot of us really can be affected this way. Your emotions make them uncomfortable. You're not allowed to have them. Eventually, you begin to not allow yourself to feel these emotions.  I think that this effect can be very damaging to a child, and I suspect it's one of the key things that contributed to my daughter's BPD situation.  

For an adult; well, in my case, I learned to suppress, and eventually, I started having anxiety attacks, I acted out on my own, and eventually, I developed a case of Adjustment Disorder, (like PTSD).  I had a course of ssri's and years of therapy, and I'm better-enough now, to at least KNOW my own emotional response is slowed like this.

LJ, I have done a lot of reading about Left Brain/Right Brain stuff. That was heavily emphasized in some of my courses of study as an undergrad. I have taken several tests and I tend to fall somewhere in the middle.

I have read that some of the latest thinking dismisses the "left brain" "right brain" idea, and it's more like; "rational mind" and "collection of various organs, glands, and signalling mechanisms via neurotransmitters and hormones" - about 90% of the serotonin in the body is actually produced in the gut. The gut has it's own primitive network of neurons, and does it's own limited set of processing. This is why we can often have physical reactions to emotions, and we feel that in various parts of the body.

This part of the body is what primitive organisms down to even worms, use to react to their environment. That's where the fight-or-flight reflex originates. Over millions of years of evolution, the nervous system grew a primitive brain, which works primarily in a very emotional way, and as this organ developed, new layers were added with new capabilities, and the most modern one is rational thought.  It should be no surprise that human language exists in the most modern part, (and specifically, on the left-side) and is our most recent addition. With the ability to use language as symbols for thoughts, we gained the ability to think rationally and logically. More primitive animals, even most primates, do not have this ability like we do.  The more primitive parts of the brain process emotion and feeling, and these parts of the brain don't think rationally. . . but worse, they can't use language to communicate with the higher parts of the brain.  So we have to shut this rational part of our brain off (in a way) in order to access the more primitive responses like emotions and feelings, to inform our behavior and ACT in a way that honors those feelings (ie. fleeing from danger when appropriate).  If our rational brain refuses to ACT, then the emotional brain is naturally going to escalate signals (ie. Anxiety, and etc) until the rational brain pays attention.  If the rational brain continues to suppress feelings, the stronger emotional signals have ways of triggering behavior that will seem nonsensical to the rational brain (compulsions, obsessive behavior, irrational thought, etc).  I suspect that schizophrenic auditory hallucinations are a (pathological) way that these emotions can surface in the form of speech, in order to gain attention. (just my speculation based on this model, and some thinking I've done about my own emotional issues).

(A good couple of books that talk about this are Carl Sagan's "Broca's Brain" and "The Dragons of Eden". - though these books are quite old, they're fairly high-level and entertaining.)

I used to try to suppress and ignore emotions - mainly because they were inconvenient, embarrassing, but later, it became a survival mechanism, when dealing with uBPDw.  Years of therapy helped me to become more aware, and more accepting, of this integral part of who I am.  Validation, self-affirmation, and Inner-Child work.  Also, having some quiet-time alone, to myself, helps (a lot, actually).

But I still have issues.  I think I always will, as long as I have a pwBPD in my life.

[jhkbuzz]

What I do most of the time is put my emotional responses on the shelf so that I can maintain equilibrium/control/whatever because I am the one that everyone else looks to for stability. When there is a crisis, I am the one that people come to for help because I am able to keep my wits about me.

I did this with my ex (and, by default, for my stepdaughter) for the last 4 years of the r/s - I was trying to hold everything together.  By the end I had completely lost touch with what I needed - it took me months to figure it out. I was a mess.

[vortex of confusion]

Yes, and I have a couple of big barriers to this.

1. My emotional response - especially for traumatic events, and painful events, is sometimes very delayed. I can go from a few hours, to a few days, before I feel a response, or before I become aware of it.  I think that this is just a defensive habit, and I have learned to try to suppress, or to "hold my stuff together long enough to get out of the crisis".

2. The other problem is - often my crises are induced by the pwBPD in my life. And when I have reacted with my feelings - they get shot down by the pwBPD who is driving the situation.

I think Number 1 is pretty normal. I know that we went through a natural disaster. It wasn't until everything was cleaned up and things were put back in order before anybody was able to sit down and say, "Holy crap! What just happened?" I think most healthy people are able to keep things together for a while. I know some people that freak out completely when there is a crisis. That rarely helps anybody get through the crisis.

Number 2 is big for me as well. I have tried to tell my husband, "Hey, I don't want to do this." Or, "I am not comfortable with this." and he pushes until he gets what he wants. There was one time when I was in the bathtub crying. I get these horrid stomach attacks when my psyche gets out of whack. I was having one of my throwing up/uber painful attacks and I told him, "I don't think I can do this." He petted my head and was all nice and sweet and told me that I could do it and that I would enjoy it and everything would be okay. That is not typical behavior for my husband. I let him override my gut instincts. I went along with it. At first, I was all happy and things were great. As time went on and I was able to think about and process what I had done, I felt really friggin' horrible.

I think that a lot of us really can be affected this way. Your emotions make them uncomfortable. You're not allowed to have them. Eventually, you begin to not allow yourself to feel these emotions.  I think that this effect can be very damaging to a child, and I suspect it's one of the key things that contributed to my daughter's BPD situation.  

For an adult; well, in my case, I learned to suppress, and eventually, I started having anxiety attacks, I acted out on my own, and eventually, I developed a case of Adjustment Disorder, (like PTSD).  I had a course of ssri's and years of therapy, and I'm better-enough now, to at least KNOW my own emotional response is slowed like this.

As messed up as my childhood was, I feel like I was able to feel my emotions when I was a kid. I would do it at school. I would journal. I usually had one really good friend that I would talk to about the crazy stuff in my family. The one friend that I had growing up had a family that was just as messed up as mine. We spent a lot of time together talking about the craziness of it all. Once I became an adult and got married and became isolated, I no longer had an outlet for my emotions. It was easier to bottle them all up. Even now, if I am anything but happy, my husband seems to get nervous. I have way more anxiety now than I ever did as a kid.

If our rational brain refuses to ACT, then the emotional brain is naturally going to escalate signals (ie. Anxiety, and etc) until the rational brain pays attention.  If the rational brain continues to suppress feelings, the stronger emotional signals have ways of triggering behavior that will seem nonsensical to the rational brain (compulsions, obsessive behavior, irrational thought, etc).  I suspect that schizophrenic auditory hallucinations are a (pathological) way that these emotions can surface in the form of speech, in order to gain attention. (just my speculation based on this model, and some thinking I've done about my own emotional issues).

My gut will literally take over and I will get these horrible, horrible attacks. I used to think that they were related to my gallstone. The more I pay attention to when the happen, the more I notice that it is usually when I am doing something that I can't handle at the gut level.

I used to try to suppress and ignore emotions - mainly because they were inconvenient, embarrassing, but later, it became a survival mechanism, when dealing with uBPDw.  Years of therapy helped me to become more aware, and more accepting, of this integral part of who I am.  Validation, self-affirmation, and Inner-Child work.  Also, having some quiet-time alone, to myself, helps (a lot, actually).

The thing that I don't get as an adult that I used to get as a child was time alone. Even though there was 4 of us kids, I got time to just kind of be. Heck, I could go for a walk or ride my bike or go sit on the porch. I had that time as a kid to be left alone. It wasn't that nobody was around. There were people. It is just that those people gave me the space to think and be without them being all up in my area. Between my husband and 4 kids, I don't really get the time to be alone long enough to process anything. The best thing that I ever did was get a job outside of the house because I can at least get time alone when I am driving to or from work. I don't do well when somebody is constantly commenting about what it is I am or am not feeling and if my feelings aren't "right" then that leads to questions. Blech!   I sometimes feel like I live under a microscope.

[tortuga]

Yeah, I've had to get very selfish and insistent about my "me" time.  Sometimes I'm a bit of a jerk about it. But being on my toes (emotionally) constantly - I really need it.

[Tay25]

I read somewhere that real healing (of core trauma) comes from the heart. Meaning that when you experience grief from a destructive relationship with a pwBPD, it brings up past feelings (core trauma) of anger, sadness, shame, etc. To heal ourselves we must bring up these past feelings and come to terms with them, instead of trying to think our way through issues like we usually do.

[Lucky Jim]

I agree w/you Tay25.  I think healing comes more from the heart than the head, which is why it's such hard work.  Core trauma, as you note, seems to exist on a deeper level than that of our rational/analytical mind, which explains why you can't just "think" your way through the issues.  You have to "lean into" the issues, I suggest, in order to get past them.  It's an ongoing work-in-progress for me, and one of the benefits (so-to-speak) of having had a r/s with a pwBPD.  LuckyJim

[Sunfl0wer]

Funny I just happened across this.

I remember in MC our T helped us by always separating these things and just labeling them.  If he asked us a question and we answered how we felt, he would say "ok, so that is what your heart says."  This helped me to see and separate heart vs head thoughts more automatically.

(The biggest heart vs head talks we had was close to the end of the r/s.  T asked SO what he thought... .  He'd go on about how much he loved me and wanted me in his life always: his heart.  Then he'd talk about logistics of our house and boundaries we had set: his head.  T said to us both that eventually the heart and mind align... .they do not stay separate and one will follow the other, we were just to wait and see how it unfolded.  However, in the case of my ex, T was surprised this alignment wasn't occurring in T anticipated timeline.)

Sounds for you that you that you go into autopilot and remove yourself from the feeling, by intellectualizing, before you have a chance to register the feeling in you fully.

What if you watch a movie that is sad and also one you relate to? Can you get yourself to grieve for the character?  Can you take it a step farther and relate the character to a parallel situation in your life and also grieve for yourself and allow that feeling to overtake you for a bit of time?

I'm just trying to think of a way for you to experience the feelings... .while being more safely removed from them... .then maybe trying to begin allowing them within yourself.  Allow yourself to know that feeling is ok.  Or are there already situations that you feel allowed to feel?

(In past T... .I had a therapist point out when I got choked up.  And also the MC would point this out too.  Certain topics get my voice changed... .faint and less air.  This is how I know it is an area of trauma to work on.  It brings forth feeling.  The MC pointed out that meant I was having a trigger.  I have done years of therapy and this whole "voice thing" was news to me... .but also accurate! )

[vortex of confusion]

(The biggest heart vs head talks we had was close to the end of the r/s.  T asked SO what he thought... .  He'd go on about how much he loved me and wanted me in his life always: his heart.  Then he'd talk about logistics of our house and boundaries we had set: his head.  T said to us both that eventually the heart and mind align... .they do not stay separate and one will follow the other, we were just to wait and see how it unfolded.  However, in the case of my ex, T was surprised this alignment wasn't occurring in T anticipated timeline.)

I sometimes think that my head and heart will never align because I am too caught up in the logistics. I try to be a logical person.

Sounds for you that you that you go into autopilot and remove yourself from the feeling, by intellectualizing, before you have a chance to register the feeling in you fully.

That is exactly what I do. As a result, I end up being wishy washy because there is a very distinct push/pull going on between my head and my heart. I can tell you all of the reasons that I shouldn't feel a certain way. And, I have had lots of people confirm that I shouldn't feel certain things. And, when I do feel something, I have been told to let it go, don't stew in it, etc. It is frustrating. I need to give myself permission to feel stuff.

I'm just trying to think of a way for you to experience the feelings... .while being more safely removed from them... .then maybe trying to begin allowing them within yourself.  Allow yourself to know that feeling is ok.  Or are there already situations that you feel allowed to feel?

So far, the things that works best is driving in the car with music. Music tends to trigger emotions in me better than anything else. Every now and then a show or a movie might trigger something in me. And, then there are times when I am overcome with feeling and have no idea why or what set it off.

I am going to have to remember that voice thing. I have had times when I have noticed that and knew that something inside me was triggered but never really took the time to think about what it was. I would quickly change the subject or do something to veer away from the topic that led my voice to get shaky.

[Sunfl0wer]

Has your coach offered any suggestions yet on getting in touch with feeling?

It sounds like you are having times where you are aware of a feeling surface, then you switch out of the heart mode quickly to protect yourself... .out of habit. That is good that you are aware of this happening!

What would happen if you make a conscious effort to reflect on the surfacing feeling vs switch to head mode?  Is that possible?  Can you just be present with the feeling for a bit longer?

[Sunfl0wer]

I sometimes think that my head and heart will never align because I am too caught up in the logistics. I try to be a logical person.

It sounds like your issue is not so much an alignment issue, but rather a fear of feeling.

Either because you don't feel entitled to have feelings or fear of feeling them overwhelm you, wondering if you can handle them or both... .or something else 

In this example... .ExBF was actively fighting his heart on purpose because of a principal he was defending.

Although in other instances, he did also generally have difficulties experiencing his emotions... .however, instead of intellectualizing, he threw on a happy mask for everything and lied to himself telling himself that happy is the only allowable feeling..  So maybe we could say that it is a denial of feeling?

[vortex of confusion]

Has your coach offered any suggestions yet on getting in touch with feeling?

We haven't gotten that far yet. I have only had one phone meeting with her.

It sounds like you are having times where you are aware of a feeling surface, then you switch out of the heart mode quickly to protect yourself... .out of habit. That is good that you are aware of this happening!

Part of it is out of habit and part of it is because I know that I have several conflicting things going on in my heart.

What would happen if you make a conscious effort to reflect on the surfacing feeling vs switch to head mode?  Is that possible?  Can you just be present with the feeling for a bit longer?

Sometimes, I can. Most of the time, I don't have that kind of luxury. I have two part time jobs and have 4 kids. Sitting around feeling my feelings isn't something that I really get to do. I feel like I am "on" most of the time. When it comes to taking care of kids, bills, work, etc., the logical part works best. I can't run around feeling stuff because it might interfere with my ability to get stuff done.

[vortex of confusion]

It sounds like your issue is not so much an alignment issue, but rather a fear of feeling.

Either because you don't feel entitled to have feelings or fear of feeling them overwhelm you, wondering if you can handle them or both... .or something else 

I don't know if it is a fear of feeling or what. I do know that I am able to stay balanced and respond to my kids, my husband, and everyone else if I can stay grounded and stay logical. I feel like it is a matter of practicality.

In this example... .ExBF was actively fighting his heart on purpose because of a principal he was defending.

Although in other instances, he did also generally have difficulties experiencing his emotions... .however, instead of intellectualizing, he threw on a happy mask for everything and lied to himself telling himself that happy is the only allowable feeling..  So maybe we could say that it is a denial of feeling?

Hmmm, that is interesting to think about. I do know that I tend to put on a happy mask. It isn't because I am lying to myself. I know what I think and, even feel, a lot of the time. I put on the happy mask because that is what it takes to get through the day. That is what it takes to meet the needs of 4 kids without succumbing to being completely overwhelmed. That happy mask is what it takes to maintain the peace and keep myself together. I can't take off that happy mask unless or until I can find a safe place to fall apart. That isn't denial. That is accepting the truth of how things are. I have to protect my kids. I can let them see bits and pieces of me being upset but I have to reign it in because they look to me for strength. I am their person. (Reference to Grey's Anatomy.) I don't want my kids to feel like they need to parent me or be there for me. My mother did that stuff to me and still does. I don't like it being done to me and I don't want to do it to my kids.

[Sunfl0wer]

Has your coach offered any suggestions yet on getting in touch with feeling?

We haven't gotten that far yet. I have only had one phone meeting with her.

It sounds like you are having times where you are aware of a feeling surface, then you switch out of the heart mode quickly to protect yourself... .out of habit. That is good that you are aware of this happening!

Part of it is out of habit and part of it is because I know that I have several conflicting things going on in my heart.

What would happen if you make a conscious effort to reflect on the surfacing feeling vs switch to head mode?  Is that possible?  Can you just be present with the feeling for a bit longer?

Sometimes, I can. Most of the time, I don't have that kind of luxury. I have two part time jobs and have 4 kids. Sitting around feeling my feelings isn't something that I really get to do. I feel like I am "on" most of the time. When it comes to taking care of kids, bills, work, etc., the logical part works best. I can't run around feeling stuff because it might interfere with my ability to get stuff done.

Would it be helpful to discuss the conflicting things in your heart?

"Sitting around feeling my feelings... ."

Humm... ..

I know the feeling of being so busy, that I am going through the motions, and feeling as tho feeling is a luxury.  I wonder though if this is a bit of a catch 22.  Do you keep busy on purpose to not feel?

I wonder, ... .because I have done this.

Also, I do not believe that feeling is so much a "luxury" but rather another view of what you are already experiencing.

I am not certain, that feeling, actually takes any additional time.  It may be a matter of shifting focus vs consuming additional time.  What do you think?

[jhkbuzz]

I read somewhere that real healing (of core trauma) comes from the heart. Meaning that when you experience grief from a destructive relationship with a pwBPD, it brings up past feelings (core trauma) of anger, sadness, shame, etc. To heal ourselves we must bring up these past feelings and come to terms with them, instead of trying to think our way through issues like we usually do.

I feel this ^ in my bones.  No relationship has made me cry quite as much as my r/s with my ex; but the crying itself is different. I've cried like I did as a child; I actually feel like a child sometimes when I cry. There's not just a connecting thread from this r/s to trauma in my childhood; I suspect there's a connecting rope.

[disillusionedandsore]

I got no clarity at all about anything (past or present) until I felt ALL of my feelings... .And there were loads... .Layers of feeling... .To do anything else is to dissassociate... .exactly what pwBPD do!

The gift of my relationship is that I was able to make grieving a priority in my life... .I have a young child too.

[PeppermintTea]

I do know that I tend to put on a happy mask. It isn't because I am lying to myself. I know what I think and, even feel, a lot of the time. I put on the happy mask because that is what it takes to get through the day. That is what it takes to meet the needs of 4 kids without succumbing to being completely overwhelmed. That happy mask is what it takes to maintain the peace and keep myself together. I can't take off that happy mask unless or until I can find a safe place to fall apart. That isn't denial. That is accepting the truth of how things are. I have to protect my kids. I can let them see bits and pieces of me being upset but I have to reign it in because they look to me for strength. I am their person. (Reference to Grey's Anatomy.) I don't want my kids to feel like they need to parent me or be there for me. My mother did that stuff to me and still does. I don't like it being done to me and I don't want to do it to my kids.

Vortex I just stumbled across this thread. I just wanted to respond to the bit quoted above because I connect with it so strongly.

I totally get this. I have a full time job and two children who look to me and I am 'their person'. I HAVE TO keep myself together and give them the best life possible. I think that if I allow myself to feel my emotions I would be unable to function enough to bring in the money, keep the house, play with the girls. I would a) cry until the rivers flooded and not stop even then, b) release the wrath of a thousand angry Valkyries. Neither would be conducive to keeping my job or family intact which are my aims at the moment.

On the other hand I want my children to see me feeling the whole range of emotions and being able to deal with them in an appropriate way... .I want to be able to teach that skill to them.

Thank you all for your insights here.

PT

[vortex of confusion]

On the other hand I want my children to see me feeling the whole range of emotions and being able to deal with them in an appropriate way... .I want to be able to teach that skill to them. 

YES! I am right there with you on this. I am having to learn how to feel them and express them appropriately without being overly reactive or overly dismissive. In some ways, I feel like I am learning along with my kids. We have had some upsets around here lately as my second daughter was greeted by her monthly visitor for the first time. There has been a lot of talk about feelings and emotions and that it is okay to feel whatever it is you need to feel. And sometimes, you don't have to have a reason to feel something.

Dissillusionedandsore:

I am slowly digging through the different layers. I am working with a trauma coach and one of the things she said to me during our last talk was, "You sure like to keep your emotions at bay don't you?" Um, yeah, I do tend to keep them at bay. I try to funnel them out slowly.

I am not certain, that feeling, actually takes any additional time.  It may be a matter of shifting focus vs consuming additional time.  What do you think?

Hmmm. . .I am not sure. For me, I think it does take a bit of additional time because I am trying to make sure that I let myself feel without reacting. I need to find an outlet where I can feel my feelings safely. It is difficult to explain but I remember when I was in college, I used to go to the gym and work out and sweat like crazy. Exerting that physical energy helped me to get in touch with my feelings. I don't know if there is any merit to this but I feel like I hold stuff in my body and the only way for me to get it out is to do stuff. Right now, I am making home made yeast donuts. For some reason, I tend to feel things and find clarity when I am doing things that I love and enjoy.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hmmm, that is interesting to think about. I do know that I tend to put on a happy mask. It isn't because I am lying to myself. I know what I think and, even feel, a lot of the time. I put on the happy mask because that is what it takes to get through the day. That is what it takes to meet the needs of 4 kids without succumbing to being completely overwhelmed. That happy mask is what it takes to maintain the peace and keep myself together. I can't take off that happy mask unless or until I can find a safe place to fall apart. That isn't denial.

Just clarifying... .yea... .it doesn't sound like you are doing the denial he was.  He actually wore a mask & denial & had little awareness of his feelings... .not your issue tho.

I hear what you are saying about the sweating.  I love how I feel after working up a good sweat from exercise!

[going places]

I wasn't quite sure how to phrase the thread title.

I started talking to a trauma coach today and one of the things that was said was that I live in my head too much. I think she said something like we need to help you figure out how to connect your head to your heart.

So, my question is: Has anybody else been told this same thing? If so, what was the process like? How did it feel? What are some tips and pointers you could give?

When I thought with my head alone, it was a mess.

When I thought with my feelings alone, it was a mess.

I let my 'gut and my head communicate', completely by passing my heart for a while.

Everytime I started to have those "maybe it wasn't that bad, look at all the good things he did" moments, I QUICKLY reminded myself of the DECADES of lies, deceptions, manipulations, abuse... .sickness, fraud, etc.

NOT to 'fire up my anger' but to remind myself; Babe, this is no way to live, you have more worth than that.

Soon, my heart was in 'check'.

It was hard, it was a mess, it took time... .and hard core NO CONTACT.

( I have not seen him in a year, and have not talked to him since Feb 2015 )

Everytime I thought of him, and the negativity that surround him, I replaced it with MY hopes, MY goals, MY dreams... .

And planned and started executing those hopes, dreams and plans.

And yes, I am trying to intellectualize the process so that I know what to expect. 

Any thoughts, input, insight, or anything you want to give me about how to connect my head and my heart would be much appreciated.

When I QUIT trying to make the whole thing "make sense" and when I stared reading text books about Psychology, Abnormal Psychology, Personality Disorders, etc... .and realized I CANNOT NOT make this 'make sense'... .the grip of fear, rejection, disgustingness, finally started to ease up so I could breath.

Then the healing began.

This was not about me; this was his problem.

I learned WHY I picked him and HOW to heal from THAT issue.

Hard work. Lots of work.

LOTS of prayer.

[vortex of confusion]

When I thought with my head alone, it was a mess.

When I thought with my feelings alone, it was a mess.

I let my 'gut and my head communicate', completely by passing my heart for a while.

I am wondering about the letting the gut and head communicate thing. I tend to intellectualize the gut stuff away. Trying to work on NOT doing that.

Everytime I started to have those "maybe it wasn't that bad, look at all the good things he did" moments, I QUICKLY reminded myself of the DECADES of lies, deceptions, manipulations, abuse... .sickness, fraud, etc.

NOT to 'fire up my anger' but to remind myself; Babe, this is no way to live, you have more worth than that.

Soon, my heart was in 'check'.

I am going to start trying to pay more attention to the "not that bad" talk that tends to go on in my head. I tend to do that a lot.

It was hard, it was a mess, it took time... .and hard core NO CONTACT.

( I have not seen him in a year, and have not talked to him since Feb 2015 )

Everytime I thought of him, and the negativity that surround him, I replaced it with MY hopes, MY goals, MY dreams... .

And planned and started executing those hopes, dreams and plans.

I have 4 kids with him. There is no way that I can do hard core no contact. He is part of my life whether I like it or not. I can focus on my hopes and dreams and goals. My coach has me writing out a list of my hopes and dreams. She said that every time I see something and thing, "Oh, hey, I'd love to do that." write it down. Usually, when I think that I would like to do something, I tend to let it go.

[disillusionedandsore]

It's great you are looking for answers and ways to connect to yourself more fully... .To clarify my own situation it was only when I gave up the relationship that the real grieving began in earnest,  although I cried during the relationship too... .I had the "comfort" of the honeymoon phases following a split/row/abusive episode... .during the relationship but afterwards with no contact there was only me and my feelings... .Years before I met my ex I had done emotion focused therapy which basically teaches you how to sit with feelings... .Thank God in a way now as I am not afraid to feel any of my feelings and truly value the wisdom of them.  Hope this is useful to you. 

[Lucky Jim]

Years before I met my ex I had done emotion focused therapy which basically teaches you how to sit with feelings... .Thank God in a way now as I am not afraid to feel any of my feelings and truly value the wisdom of them. 

Emotion-focused therapy sounds interesting.  What are the basic techniques you learned?  Is it similar to meditation?  LJ

[disillusionedandsore]

Not so much hard and fast rules but the focus was on feeling... .Body sensations,  urges to move /stretch while processing,  if voice pitch was raised or I was talking quite fast... .Basically to get curious about that... .  to try to name/ describe what feelings might be there for me right now (in the present) with the therapist eyeballing me!   

Then to check does that tell me anything about how I might have felt in the past at another time... .Really less talk,  more bringing my attention inward,  staying grounded,  breathing into the feeling if my head was taking me away and 'staying with it'

Could also be describing images that come up or sensation but not so much storytelling.  Hope that makes sense,  it's actually hard to describe... .It unlike meditation in that you are describing to a curious therapist the whole time what's going on for you in real time... .When you hit upon pockets of feeling you are asked to acknowledge them to yourself and even briefly feel them... .