what does "detachment" mean to you?

[once removed]

whether youre detaching or detached, what does the concept of detachment mean to you? if you dont consider yourself fully detached, what do you visualize detachment looking like? if you do consider yourself fully detached, how does it feel now vs then? if youre partially detached, what do you interpret as the difference between being fully attached and fully detached?

detachment to me is largely synonymous with acceptance, an element of the grieving process. there are a lot of things to accept in this process for each individual, some more painful than others. to me, the increasing ability to accept these things is hand in hand with detachment. as i look to my right, i think acceptance helps lead to freedom. what you can accept ultimately ceases to be painful, thus leading to detachment. but as the same figure states, acknowledgment is part of detachment too, and there are three other parts, all stages of detachment.

so what does it mean to you?

[once removed]

oh: and time. detachment goes hand in hand with time. time doesnt heal all wounds. it heals some. time also allows us to address the most painful wounds and heal them ourselves 

[Theo41]

When the dysfunction of my uBPDw gets me upset and causes me pain I just want to get away from it until she calms down,gets a grip and gets over it. I try to detach with love if I can but in any event I remove myself from the situation. This usually involves moving to another room,taking a nap in the bedroom, walking the dog, going out shopping or to a meeting but it also can mean packing a small bag and going to a hotel room.

My wife is so paranoid about abandonment she begins calming down and getting reasonable as soon as I head for the door with the car keys in my hand.

It's just not buying into the BS and getting hooked into an argument. They love drama and I hate it. This strategy of removing myself when necessary or appropriate has made my life, and hers, much more calm and enjoyable despite some occasional flair-ups. THEO

[Beach_Babe]

For me it means indifference. No longer caring if he lives or dies (and not caring enough to even check).

[boatman]

Hi everyone-

I guess I tend to think of detachment in a spiritual sense, in terms of letting go of attachments. Specifically, letting go of the thoughts that I ever "had" my BPDex's, or any ex's for that matter. For me, this happens by sitting with the feelings of loss, which is really a feeling of emptiness that I tried to fill by "having" a girlfriend. The pain comes when I believe that I have any control over the emptiness and try to exert control over it by forming attachments to women, etc.

I should note that I'm not referring to the feeling of unconditional love. I believe that is permanent, so I would question the use of the word detachment in the context of no longer caring about someone (an ex, etc.)

 

[going places]

whether youre detaching or detached, what does the concept of detachment mean to you?

When an infant is born and the umbilical cord is cut, that is 100% detached; however, they are not yet capable of 'surviving' on their own. They must be taught how to walk, talk, go to the bathroom, etc... .

Once they are taught those skills, then they can stand on their own two feet.

if you dont consider yourself fully detached, what do you visualize detachment looking like? if you do consider yourself fully detached, how does it feel now vs then? if youre partially detached, what do you interpret as the difference between being fully attached and fully detached?

I am fully detached.

I am standing on my own two feet; head up, hopes high, and ready to take on life!

How does it feel?

Night and day different.

This time last year, I was a different person; dark, depressed, scared to death, angry, hurt, lost.

I threw him out July 2014.

Last time I saw his face was July 2014.

I blocked him every way except via email.

Feb 2015 the house sold, and I and the kids moved to a different town, in an apartment.

THAT is really when I could tell... .I'm gonna be MORE than alright; I'm gonna be amazing.

That's when I realized that huge weight around my neck, dragging me to ocean floor, was gone.

With an advocates help, I understood what happened to me, and how I can learn from it, rise above it and succeed! Praying, continuiously and trusting The Lord... .i would have been lost without Him.

And success? That is EXACTLY what I plan to do.

detachment to me is largely synonymous with acceptance, an element of the grieving process. there are a lot of things to accept in this process for each individual, some more painful than others. to me, the increasing ability to accept these things is hand in hand with detachment. as i look to my right, i think acceptance helps lead to freedom. what you can accept ultimately ceases to be painful, thus leading to detachment. but as the same figure states, acknowledgment is part of detachment too, and there are three other parts, all stages of detachment.

so what does it mean to you?

The ability to look at the situation logically and realistically.

Not thru rose colored glasses, or my 'fantasy perception' of things.

Realistically and Logically.

Accepting that things were, the way they were (my life, was a lie at the hands of an abusive monster)

Forgiving myself.

Forgiving him.

And moving on.

Looking at life thru the windshield, not that little bitty rear view mirror.

[Sunfl0wer]

For me, when attached:

I wished... .I wanted... .I longed for things from my partner.  Such as a greeting, or to treat me a certain way.  Longing for some indication that he is attempting to connect, or that he has responded in a positive way to my attempt to connect.

And detachment:

I have no expectations, wants or longings for me or us.  He cannot disappoint me as to disappoint me would mean that I felt attached and wanted something.  I'm unaffected by him and do not feel drawn to him with either strong positive or negative emotions... .there is neither angry passion nor intimate passion of any sense.  I wish him well, as any other being. I do not dwell on him longer than anyone else in my life.  I feel rather neutral as though he were a neighbor.

Right now, I feel mostly detached.  The detached part is that I have very low expectations of him toward me, almost none.  I do not see a life for us together, I see my future clearer without him. I am more focused on my own future than grieving the loss of us, and I feel that is not just happening at an intellectual level, but an emotional one too. I also can't imagine myself being intimate with him for even a fling... .or any type of intimacy.  I usually can be friendly with an ex with no issue, but for him, I'm not sure how good a friend he would be when he acts PA and I'm now aware of his games. 

The small part of me that feels attached... .  I still find myself disappointed a bit by him being PA.  Last night I thanked him for fixing something at our old apartment, he ignored the txt. (even though we txtd before that logistical stuff. ). Sometimes I am still thinking of him as I go about my day and there are reminders that I connect to him and I have an emotional response.

Looking at my idea of detachment... .  It does just look a lot like RA.  The part that is additional to RA is the desire to connect and share something.  So maybe it is more like a huge dose of RA + being independent of considering him in anything today or future=detachment?  If I look at it that way... .it makes me think he had the second part perfected always... .just not the RA of who I am.  That feels sad!  It seems like he was always half detached... .which seems accurate for what I experienced!

[dobie]

For me it means indifference. No longer caring if he lives or dies (and not caring enough to even check).

This is what I long for as well beech

[once removed]

thanks all. i think weve seen at least half a dozen very different examples of what detachment means to us individually. lots in common though too. it also sounds like everyone is making progress  . feel free to keep it coming!

[Achaya]

One month out from BU, I experience the detachment as a gulf, albeit not a wide one, that would have to be crossed if a recycling were to be attempted. After the previous BUs we could jump right back into the relationship and as soon as possible into bed, and after a brief episode of tears we were back in our usual track. Now I feel a fear of seeing my ex, talking to her, would be very anxious about the idea of having sex with her. There's a sense that she is no longer mine, I am no longer hers, and restarting our relationship would no longer happen on its own.

[FannyB]

For me detachment is no longer wanting to see her. To visit her house, to talk with her to sleep with her. Detachment is being happy without her. Detachment is not treating her as if she doesn't exist though as I want to keep contact at a safe distance as I'd like to see how her story plays out. But I stay in LC out of choice, not necessity. Honest! 

[apollotech]

"There's a sense that she is no longer mine, I am no longer hers, and restarting our relationship would no longer happen on its own."

Achaya, thanks for putting how I feel into words! I feel that way, but not detached. I've moved on but am not moving on. Interesting replies here folks, thanks!

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't think about her very often, and when she pops into my head there's no emotion behind it, it's just a memory.

A larger form of detachment is detaching from our emotions in general; yes, we feel them, but they are not us and it's possible to feel them but be separate from them.

Check out the five stages of detachment over there too -------->

[dagwoodbowser]

To No longer think about, crave or wonder about her. To be 100% ok if she is in fact with a replacement and actually wish her well in that relationship. To No longer have the dreams, at times the emotional nightmares about her. That she simply be a found memory that on occassion I ask... ." I wonder how Blank is doing, it's been so long?"

That I be totally unaffected by any triggers. That I can peacefully say good-bye, I Forgive you, let you go and God Speed.

[Sunfl0wer]

One month out from BU, I experience the detachment as a gulf, albeit not a wide one, that would have to be crossed if a recycling were to be attempted.

Thank you for this comment.  It is also what I feel but couldn't put my finger on.  Yes, it feels as though there is a gulf between us. 

[michel71]

For me, when attached:

I wished... .I wanted... .I longed for things from my partner.  Such as a greeting, or to treat me a certain way.  Longing for some indication that he is attempting to connect, or that he has responded in a positive way to my attempt to connect.

And detachment:

I have no expectations, wants or longings for me or us.  He cannot disappoint me as to disappoint me would mean that I felt attached and wanted something.  I'm unaffected by him and do not feel drawn to him with either strong positive or negative emotions... .there is neither angry passion nor intimate passion of any sense.  I wish him well, as any other being. I do not dwell on him longer than anyone else in my life.  I feel rather neutral as though he were a neighbor.

Right now, I feel mostly detached.  The detached part is that I have very low expectations of him toward me, almost none.  I do not see a life for us together, I see my future clearer without him. I am more focused on my own future than grieving the loss of us, and I feel that is not just happening at an intellectual level, but an emotional one too. I also can't imagine myself being intimate with him for even a fling... .or any type of intimacy.  I usually can be friendly with an ex with no issue, but for him, I'm not sure how good a friend he would be when he acts PA and I'm now aware of his games. 

The small part of me that feels attached... .  I still find myself disappointed a bit by him being PA.  Last night I thanked him for fixing something at our old apartment, he ignored the txt. (even though we txtd before that logistical stuff. ). Sometimes I am still thinking of him as I go about my day and there are reminders that I connect to him and I have an emotional response.

Looking at my idea of detachment... .  It does just look a lot like RA.  The part that is additional to RA is the desire to connect and share something.  So maybe it is more like a huge dose of RA + being independent of considering him in anything today or future=detachment?  If I look at it that way... .it makes me think he had the second part perfected always... .just not the RA of who I am.  That feels sad!  It seems like he was always half detached... .which seems accurate for what I experienced!

I would say that I am detach... .ing. I know at least that I get further on as the days ( or disagreements) go by. I am not reeling from her emotional blows. Anything unkind that she spews just makes me detach more. I don't feel the need to take care of her or make sure that she is ok. She is an adult and can well take care of herself. I don't much care if she is upset anymore. She can stew in her own nasty brew as long as she likes. Again, she is an adult. Not my problem. I don't feel the need to go out of my way for her, nor feel guilty for not feeling the need. She is no longer deserved of the reverance I once had for her. I enjoy my own company way more than hers and value ME first.

On a pure human level and since we are still in the same home for financial reasons, I would be of assistance if she needed it, like if she needed a ride to pick up her car or something. I still would help out with her kid because I like the kid.