Getting Weak, Again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Its been 330 days since we've been "physically" together; 360 days since we lived together in matrimony; 28 years, 55 days married; monogamous 29 years, 215 days with my dBPDw; 97 days since text communication; 128 days since face-to-face communication at psychologist's office. I sent her a card on Mother's Day (she is the mother of our two adult children); she sent me an e-mail with her new cell phone number (I dropped her from my family plan) 8 days ago, and I kindly said "Thank You". Two recycles. Wife on husband domestic violence. Alienation of children.

I want to reach out by e-mail or phone and say "how could you possibly drop me like a bag of cement after nearly 30 years! What is wrong with you!"

But I know... .its BPD, damn it. My marriage is done. I'll be seeing her in court sometime in the next few months. I want so bad to have back the good days, which were many. My brain has blanked out the bad days: I really have to think to remember them, but remember them I do. Abandonment and so many other health, hormonal, and age issues descended on her at 50 and destroyed her mind.

I must continue to be strong and resilient and not give in to the pain that tries so hard to paralyze me. I'm ever so slowly getting better, but it is so hard; missing the "good" her. I need a  

[Hopeless777]

Its been 330 days since we've been "physically" together; 360 days since we lived together in matrimony; 28 years, 55 days married; monogamous 29 years, 215 days with my dBPDw; 97 days since text communication; 128 days since face-to-face communication at psychologist's office. I sent her a card on Mother's Day (she is the mother of our two adult children); she sent me an e-mail with her new cell phone number (I dropped her from my family plan) 8 days ago, and I kindly said "Thank You". Two recycles. Wife on husband domestic violence. Alienation of children.

I want to reach out by e-mail or phone and say "how could you possibly drop me like a bag of cement after nearly 30 years! What is wrong with you!"

But I know... .its BPD, damn it. My marriage is done. I'll be seeing her in court sometime in the next few months. I want so bad to have back the good days, which were many. My brain has blanked out the bad days: I really have to think to remember them, but remember them I do. Abandonment and so many other health, hormonal, and age issues descended on her at 50 and destroyed her mind.

I must continue to be strong and resilient and not give in to the pain that tries so hard to paralyze me. I'm ever so slowly getting better, but it is so hard; missing the "good" her. I need a  

[maxen]

here's one: 

30 years - i can't imagine. i am so sorry.

[DyingLove]

Its been 330 days since we've been "physically" together; 360 days since we lived together in matrimony; 28 years, 55 days married; monogamous 29 years, 215 days with my dBPDw; 97 days since text communication; 128 days since face-to-face communication at psychologist's office. I sent her a card on Mother's Day (she is the mother of our two adult children); she sent me an e-mail with her new cell phone number (I dropped her from my family plan) 8 days ago, and I kindly said "Thank You". Two recycles. Wife on husband domestic violence. Alienation of children.

I want to reach out by e-mail or phone and say "how could you possibly drop me like a bag of cement after nearly 30 years! What is wrong with you!"

But I know... .its BPD, damn it. My marriage is done. I'll be seeing her in court sometime in the next few months. I want so bad to have back the good days, which were many. My brain has blanked out the bad days: I really have to think to remember them, but remember them I do. Abandonment and so many other health, hormonal, and age issues descended on her at 50 and destroyed her mind.

I must continue to be strong and resilient and not give in to the pain that tries so hard to paralyze me. I'm ever so slowly getting better, but it is so hard; missing the "good" her. I need a  

Hopeless777, I'm so sorry.  I'm Crying for you now.  You've got so much time with your ex, it kills me.  I've been struggling with the same "cement" thoughts too!  Maybe it's the weather or the atmosphere or something.

I know it is hard.  It's only a 4 year R/S for me and that was devastating. It is getting better. I do want to move on. And there are the times I want her back too... .but it's got to be her move if it ever were to happen.

[Olivia_D]

Hopeless, My grandmother just passed away at the age of 98 years old.  2 years before her death, her Husband of 45 years  passed away.  When I went to see her after the death of my "step-grandfather," she was in a chronic state of grief.  Naturally, I thought it was her grieving his death.  No one could get through to her almost catatonic state.  Finally, after she and I spent a week alone together, she turned to me and said "he was so so abusive and I wasted my life on a man that robbed me of a lifetime.  I never had the opportunity to be free and happy as I always lived under his thumb."  She went on to tell me about some very narcissistic behavior--which we had always suspected but she was "old school" and from a southern state so she was not about to tell anyone as she was afraid of his backlash.  At the age of 96 years old, my grandmother learned that it was never too late to be liberated.  I took her to get her state identification so she could vote, took her to the bank to open her first checking account, took her to see my grandfather's grave (which she was not permitted to go visit in 45 years), I created a photo album of family photos (including my grandfather which her Husband burned) and she was not allowed to see, et cetera.  Within a very short period of time, she recognized that while she loved him he has made her life a living Hell.  Once she realized that it was okay to love someone and not miss the abuse, she started to have a glimmer of hope in her eyes (at the age of 96) and she turned to me and said, "I am free to be my own person for the first time in 45 years.  I haven't been able to live my own life or have my own thoughts since I was 49 years old."  Then she proceeded to tell me "Honey, don't you let your heart talk your mind out of something that it already knows as loving the wrong person can enslave you."  WOW MOMENT.  I have no doubts that she loved him, despite all of his abuse.  She spent 45 years trying to make the impossible work because she didn't feel like she had choices and her life had been mapped out for me.  At the age of 96, she was looking forward to the rest of her life.  She lived for 2 more years.  Towards the end of her life, she contacted me and asked whether it would be "okay" for her to be buried next to my biological grandfather (who died at a very young age) rather than her 2nd Husband.  She was just buried next to my biological grandfather about 6 weeks ago--which to her was her ultimate act of taking her life back.

The point of telling this story is that it is a great reminder for me to learn by example.  At the age of 96, after 45 years of abuse, my grandmother realized that life was very brief and she had very little time to take an inventory of the 45 years of suffering; instead, at the age of 96, she ironically "looked forward to being free for the rest of her life."  This story runs around in my head every time I start to romanticize the good times in my relationship and I start going down the road of "would" have, "should" have, and "could" have scenarios.  It doesn't make the love that I had for this person lessen but it does help me re-direct my thoughts back to the harsh reality that staying in an unhealthy situation is far more painful than the pain that I am experiencing in the gradual process of letting go. 

[Hopeless777]

Hopeless, My grandmother just passed away at the age of 98 years old.  2 years before her death, her Husband of 45 years  passed away.  When I went to see her after the death of my "step-grandfather," she was in a chronic state of grief.  Naturally, I thought it was her grieving his death.  No one could get through to her almost catatonic state.  Finally, after she and I spent a week alone together, she turned to me and said "he was so so abusive and I wasted my life on a man that robbed me of a lifetime.  I never had the opportunity to be free and happy as I always lived under his thumb."  She went on to tell me about some very narcissistic behavior--which we had always suspected but she was "old school" and from a southern state so she was not about to tell anyone as she was afraid of his backlash.  At the age of 96 years old, my grandmother learned that it was never too late to be liberated.  I took her to get her state identification so she could vote, took her to the bank to open her first checking account, took her to see my grandfather's grave (which she was not permitted to go visit in 45 years), I created a photo album of family photos (including my grandfather which her Husband burned) and she was not allowed to see, et cetera.  Within a very short period of time, she recognized that while she loved him he has made her life a living Hell.  Once she realized that it was okay to love someone and not miss the abuse, she started to have a glimmer of hope in her eyes (at the age of 96) and she turned to me and said, "I am free to be my own person for the first time in 45 years.  I haven't been able to live my own life or have my own thoughts since I was 49 years old."  Then she proceeded to tell me "Honey, don't you let your heart talk your mind out of something that it already knows as loving the wrong person can enslave you."  WOW MOMENT.  I have no doubts that she loved him, despite all of his abuse.  She spent 45 years trying to make the impossible work because she didn't feel like she had choices and her life had been mapped out for me.  At the age of 96, she was looking forward to the rest of her life.  She lived for 2 more years.  Towards the end of her life, she contacted me and asked whether it would be "okay" for her to be buried next to my biological grandfather (who died at a very young age) rather than her 2nd Husband.  She was just buried next to my biological grandfather about 6 weeks ago--which to her was her ultimate act of taking her life back.

The point of telling this story is that it is a great reminder for me to learn by example.  At the age of 96, after 45 years of abuse, my grandmother realized that life was very brief and she had very little time to take an inventory of the 45 years of suffering; instead, at the age of 96, she ironically "looked forward to being free for the rest of her life."  This story runs around in my head every time I start to romanticize the good times in my relationship and I start going down the road of "would" have, "should" have, and "could" have scenarios.  It doesn't make the love that I had for this person lessen but it does help me re-direct my thoughts back to the harsh reality that staying in an unhealthy situation is far more painful than the pain that I am experiencing in the gradual process of letting go. 

Dear Olivia,

Thank you for that awesome reply. I don't even know what to say. I'll be 58 next month and I do believe I'll have a future better than my past. Thank you for taking care of your grandmother. She deserved it, and more. I guess that all we can ultimately say is that life is a journey with many detours not of our own making. I'd like to think that we nons that are willing to take the detours and go with them ultimately reach our destination. Like them or not, detours are part of life, as is rebuilding. Thank you for those words of encouragement as I walk this detour to a better place.

Hopeless777... .soon to be Hopeful777

[maxen]

I'll be 58 next month

you 'n' me, buddy!

[Lucky Jim]

I'll be 58 next month

you 'n' me, buddy!

That makes three of us!

Hey "Hopeful777" -- I like this reminder:

My brain has blanked out the bad days: I really have to think to remember them, but remember them I do.

I suspect that most of us who have been through a b/u with a pwBPD have days when we suffer from some sort of amnesia that makes us forget the bad times.  Yes, you do have to remember them, as you suggest.

I predict that a day will come when you will be grateful to have been dropped, "like a bag of cement," though I understand it doesn't feel like that to you at the moment.

LuckyJim

[Olivia_D]

I'll be 58 next month and I do believe I'll have a future better than my past. Thank you for taking care of your grandmother. She deserved it, and more. I guess that all we can ultimately say is that life is a journey with many detours not of our own making. I'd like to think that we nons that are willing to take the detours and go with them ultimately reach our destination. Like them or not, detours are part of life, as is rebuilding. Thank you for those words of encouragement as I walk this detour to a better place.

Hopeless777... .soon to be Hopeful777

Hopeful777 has a nice ring to it.  My grandmother's name was "Grace," she was amazing.  I firmly believe that we will all get to where we need to be and not where we thought we should be.  You will get there.

[DyingLove]

I'll be 58 next month

you 'n' me, buddy!

That makes three of us!

Hey "Hopeful777" -- I like this reminder:

My brain has blanked out the bad days: I really have to think to remember them, but remember them I do.

I suspect that most of us who have been through a b/u with a pwBPD have days when we suffer from some sort of amnesia that makes us forget the bad times.  Yes, you do have to remember them, as you suggest.

I predict that a day will come when you will be grateful to have been dropped, "like a bag of cement," though I understand it doesn't feel like that to you at the moment.

LuckyJim

I'll be 59 until december.  can I be part of the club?

[Olivia_D]

I am 51 . . . does this make me too young for the club -   

[Hopeless777]

Well, what a surprise... .everybody is in their 50s, I thought I was the only one. There is hope after all, right?

[Hopeless777]

I'll be 58 next month

you 'n' me, buddy!

That makes three of us!

Hey "Hopeful777" -- I like this reminder:

My brain has blanked out the bad days: I really have to think to remember them, but remember them I do.[/

I suspect that most of us who have been through a b/u with a pwBPD have days when we suffer from some sort of amnesia that makes us forget the bad times.  Yes, you do have to remember them, as you suggest.

I predict that a day will come when you will be grateful to have been dropped, "like a bag of cement," though I understand it doesn't feel like that to you at the moment.

LuckyJim


Thank you Lucky a jim. I've been following your posts for a while and appreciate your thoughts.

[Hopeless777]

Its been 330 days since we've been "physically" together; 360 days since we lived together in matrimony; 28 years, 55 days married; monogamous 29 years, 215 days with my dBPDw; 97 days since text communication; 128 days since face-to-face communication at psychologist's office. I sent her a card on Mother's Day (she is the mother of our two adult children); she sent me an e-mail with her new cell phone number (I dropped her from my family plan) 8 days ago, and I kindly said "Thank You". Two recycles. Wife on husband domestic violence. Alienation of children.

I want to reach out by e-mail or phone and say "how could you possibly drop me like a bag of cement after nearly 30 years! What is wrong with you!"

But I know... .its BPD, damn it. My marriage is done. I'll be seeing her in court sometime in the next few months. I want so bad to have back the good days, which were many. My brain has blanked out the bad days: I really have to think to remember them, but remember them I do. Abandonment and so many other health, hormonal, and age issues descended on her at 50 and destroyed her mind.

I must continue to be strong and resilient and not give in to the pain that tries so hard to paralyze me. I'm ever so slowly getting better, but it is so hard; missing the "good" her. I need a  

Hopeless777, I'm so sorry.  I'm Crying for you now.  You've got so much time with your ex, it kills me.  I've been struggling with the same "cement" thoughts too!  Maybe it's the weather or the atmosphere or something.

I know it is hard.  It's only a 4 year R/S for me and that was devastating. It is getting better. I do want to move on. And there are the times I want her back too... .but it's got to be her move if it ever were to happen.

Strength in God and ourselves. Eases the terrible pain of loss. Half of my life was not wasted. Two great kids. Two grandsons. More to come I'm sure. Just dreams taken away cruelly that need to be replaced with new dreams. I'm content alone. I'm content with others. I think I have reached an understanding about life that transcends what I previously thought. For that I am grateful. I've forgiven and am moving on irrespective of the persecution still being inflicted on me through the courts. As Don Henley sang, "It's about forgiveness even if you don't love me anymore."

[Achaya]

I am older than the rest of you, let's just leave it at that   I have been noticing that it makes a big difference in how I respond to a breakup. Just the loss of sleep and so on has more impact. When I was in my 30's breakups were still fairly normal in my peer group. I remember the consoling thought that we were moving on to other loves, better choices. At this point in life, having made such a poor choice in choosing a partner, I'm not optimistic about having enough time and opportunities to improve my selection criteria. I'm definitely not giving up on having a love life again, but I don't relish the thought of looking for one.

[DyingLove]

I am older than the rest of you, let's just leave it at that   I have been noticing that it makes a big difference in how I respond to a breakup. Just the loss of sleep and so on has more impact. When I was in my 30's breakups were still fairly normal in my peer group. I remember the consoling thought that we were moving on to other loves, better choices. At this point in life, having made such a poor choice in choosing a partner, I'm not optimistic about having enough time and opportunities to improve my selection criteria. I'm definitely not giving up on having a love life again, but I don't relish the thought of looking for one.

Relish?  Sounds like the makin's of a good hot dog!  LOL

I'm just over 60 days N/C. This part is important so please listen:

Over the past few days, somehow, my thoughts are less focused on painful memories of her. My thoughts are shifting to the R/S instead.  So, let me try to explain; I'm seeing less of her in my minds eye, but I still see her (and love her of course (that is not going to change)), I think I'm just coming better to terms with things.  I've been listening to LOTS AND LOTS of positive stuff, it's easy to find on youtube and so is Trent Shelton and Wayne Dyer too.  Listening over and over and over to positive stuff, well, makes you start thinking more positive.  So I'm feeling a tad bit better about myself in my mind.  I can still cry and suffer faster than you can say "ticonderoga" but I'm healing.  I feel it, I know it.  Horray for me!  AND Horray for you!  Because if it's happening to me, it can and WILL happen to you.  No you say?  Well let me tell you how HOOKED I AM and WAS on my ex.  I did think of the "S" word, and I kept putting it out of my mind because it is NOT an option, but getting to the thought of the "S" word shows something about how deep you are drowing.  When someone tells me they are in pain, I will never ever take it for granted.  I know pain as do most of you.  Not suffering is a good thing too so we all flip the rolodex in our minds and the "S" card probably comes up in pasing.

In the beginning, I spent so much time daydreaming of her.  She was my soulmate, a dream come true, the last woman I would ever need to court and the most beautiful creature in my life.  I was more than ecstatic.  I was knocked over with the "breeze" from a feather.  I don't care what anyone else thought, the view of this goddess was all I saw.  I was so in love, it happened fast but it's love just the same. We all vary with time it takes to fall in love and other things.  Well, four years and I've NEVER loved her any less. I have become less tollerant of things, but my love and BEING IN LOVE with her never never changed.  I would hug and kiss her and smile with a gleam in my eye everyday as I sent her off to work and greeted her as she got home.  Of course she didn't always allow the situation to be so fluffy.

But believe me, I was very skeptical that I ever would emerge this big freakin' mess. But I am emerging.  This wouldn't be complete if I didn't say: "if she fixes, if she takes initiative, if she remained true to me, if she allows us to work on our issues together, I would take her back in a heartbeat.  She never admitted freely to having a problem.  If you think you don't have a problem, you aren't going to do anything about it right?  I'm not stopping the train for her... .she's going to have to run after it and pull herself up on the stair using the handrail and search the train for me. She is going to have to tell me the right words (I don't know what they are exactly) and make the right committment to me.  I gave it all up for her. It's her turn.

[Hopeless777]

I am older than the rest of you, let's just leave it at that   I have been noticing that it makes a big difference in how I respond to a breakup. Just the loss of sleep and so on has more impact. When I was in my 30's breakups were still fairly normal in my peer group. I remember the consoling thought that we were moving on to other loves, better choices. At this point in life, having made such a poor choice in choosing a partner, I'm not optimistic about having enough time and opportunities to improve my selection criteria. I'm definitely not giving up on having a love life again, but I don't relish the thought of looking for one.

Relish?  Sounds like the makin's of a good hot dog!  LOL

I'm just over 60 days N/C. This part is important so please listen:

Over the past few days, somehow, my thoughts are less focused on painful memories of her. My thoughts are shifting to the R/S instead.  So, let me try to explain; I'm seeing less of her in my minds eye, but I still see her (and love her of course (that is not going to change)), I think I'm just coming better to terms with things.  I've been listening to LOTS AND LOTS of positive stuff, it's easy to find on youtube and so is Trent Shelton and Wayne Dyer too.  Listening over and over and over to positive stuff, well, makes you start thinking more positive.  So I'm feeling a tad bit better about myself in my mind.  I can still cry and suffer faster than you can say "ticonderoga" but I'm healing.  I feel it, I know it.  Horray for me!  AND Horray for you!  Because if it's happening to me, it can and WILL happen to you.  No you say?  Well let me tell you how HOOKED I AM and WAS on my ex.  I did think of the "S" word, and I kept putting it out of my mind because it is NOT an option, but getting to the thought of the "S" word shows something about how deep you are drowing.  When someone tells me they are in pain, I will never ever take it for granted.  I know pain as do most of you.  Not suffering is a good thing too so we all flip the rolodex in our minds and the "S" card probably comes up in pasing.

In the beginning, I spent so much time daydreaming of her.  She was my soulmate, a dream come true, the last woman I would ever need to court and the most beautiful creature in my life.  I was more than ecstatic.  I was knocked over with the "breeze" from a feather.  I don't care what anyone else thought, the view of this goddess was all I saw.  I was so in love, it happened fast but it's love just the same. We all vary with time it takes to fall in love and other things.  Well, four years and I've NEVER loved her any less. I have become less tollerant of things, but my love and BEING IN LOVE with her never never changed.  I would hug and kiss her and smile with a gleam in my eye everyday as I sent her off to work and greeted her as she got home.  Of course she didn't always allow the situation to be so fluffy.

But believe me, I was very skeptical that I ever would emerge this big freakin' mess. But I am emerging.  This wouldn't be complete if I didn't say: "if she fixes, if she takes initiative, if she remained true to me, if she allows us to work on our issues together, I would take her back in a heartbeat.  She never admitted freely to having a problem.  If you think you don't have a problem, you aren't going to do anything about it right?  I'm not stopping the train for her... .she's going to have to run after it and pull herself up on the stair using the handrail and search the train for me. She is going to have to tell me the right words (I don't know what they are exactly) and make the right committment to me.  I gave it all up for her. It's her turn.

I sometimes feel like if she'd call me and apologize for everything and show me she's getting help, I'd welcome her back with open arms. Just a fantasy.  

[Olivia_D]

Hopeless and DyingLove, Let me just say this.  It is beautiful to know that men like you actually exist.  I would fall over if I found a man that was committed to a real relationship; if these ladies don't come out of their psychological comas and realize what they had and make every effort to genuinely apologize and fully show up for you, then the train needs to keep on truckin'   I have wasted too much of my life being attracted to the emotionally unavailable men that need nurturing, soft place to land--it is exhausting.  My heart can't take that anymore.  I just want real.

[Hopeless777]

Hopeless and DyingLove, Let me just say this.  It is beautiful to know that men like you actually exist.  I would fall over if I found a man that was committed to a real relationship; if these ladies don't come out of their psychological comas and realize what they had and make every effort to genuinely apologize and fully show up for you, then the train needs to keep on truckin'   I have wasted too much of my life being attracted to the emotionally unavailable men that need nurturing, soft place to land--it is exhausting.  My heart can't take that anymore.  I just want real.

Real seems to be an illusion. After 25 years with someone you'd think you know the real them. No way! What just happened to me? Is this real? Will I wake up next to my bride and tell her about the horrible nightmare I just had and hold on to her for dear life? The mind plays tricks. Annoying.

[Olivia_D]

Hopeless, I know the feeling of being disillusioned by what you thought or believed or wanted to be "real."  But, I also know that you cannot have a genuine connection with another person unless both people are living authentically.  I hear it does exist.  I have witnessed those relationships.  Not in some silly romance comedy or story but a genuine connection.  If it happens to come into my life that is great, if it doesn't come into my life then I am comfortable with being single.  I am rather oblivious to gestures by the opposite sex right now and likely for a long time to come; but, I am not quite ready to resign myself to it simply does not exist.

[ShakinMyHead]

53 here….This is hopeful…some very kind men and women still exist out here.   Hugs, SMH

[Hopeless777]

53 here….This is hopeful…some very kind men and women still exist out here.   Hugs, SMH

Yes there are kind people out there. Finding one of the opposite sex is tough because once you're over 45 it seems that everyone is damaged and closed. I remember being madly in love with my wife at 29 and she was 22. We age. I thought we'd spend our golden years together based on what we built together, which was substantial. Now all is in ruins. I have to rebuild at 58. In my 30s life seemed so easy and wonderful. Now I'm just numb from all the pain. I'm hoping that by 60 I can be over the pain and have rebuilt some of what was lost. But my bride used to be so sweet and now I'm discarded. At times it's almost to much to take and I want to escape this life. But numerous people still depend on me. So I'm trying to put the pieces of my heart and life back together again. I hope and pray that it is possible because I loved her so.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Hopeful777 (yes I know I changed your moniker), It is hard when everything comes unglued in a BPD marriage and I don't underestimate the pain that you are experiencing.  On the other hand, there is something authentic about starting over and rebuilding after the end of a BPD r/s.  I can confirm that there are kind and thoughtful people out there who will treat you well, so don't give up the ship.  (we are the same age).  Just be yourself.  LuckyJim

[Achaya]

53 here….This is hopeful…some very kind men and women still exist out here.   Hugs, SMH

Yes there are kind people out there. Finding one of the opposite sex is tough because once you're over 45 it seems that everyone is damaged and closed. I remember being madly in love with my wife at 29 and she was 22. We age. I thought we'd spend our golden years together based on what we built together, which was substantial. Now all is in ruins. I have to rebuild at 58. In my 30s life seemed so easy and wonderful. Now I'm just numb from all the pain. I'm hoping that by 60 I can be over the pain and have rebuilt some of what was lost. But my bride used to be so sweet and now I'm discarded. At times it's almost to much to take and I want to escape this life. But numerous people still depend on me. So I'm trying to put the pieces of my heart and life back together again. I hope and pray that it is possible because I loved her so.

I know how it is to feel that life is not/will not be worth living without the one you love. I am glad that you have people depending on you, and that you see this as a reason for staying here. That sense of responsibility has gotten me through some tough times, until I got to the far side and felt like life was indeed worth living after all. I hope and pray for you also that your healing will come to pass. That is a long time to love someone, only to be discarded in the end.

Keep posting, it really can help! God bless you.

[Hopeless777]

53 here….This is hopeful…some very kind men and women still exist out here.   Hugs, SMH

Yes there are kind people out there. Finding one of the opposite sex is tough because once you're over 45 it seems that everyone is damaged and closed. I remember being madly in love with my wife at 29 and she was 22. We age. I thought we'd spend our golden years together based on what we built together, which was substantial. Now all is in ruins. I have to rebuild at 58. In my 30s life seemed so easy and wonderful. Now I'm just numb from all the pain. I'm hoping that by 60 I can be over the pain and have rebuilt some of what was lost. But my bride used to be so sweet and now I'm discarded. At times it's almost to much to take and I want to escape this life. But numerous people still depend on me. So I'm trying to put the pieces of my heart and life back together again. I hope and pray that it is possible because I loved her so.

I know how it is to feel that life is not/will not be worth living without the one you love. I am glad that you have people depending on you, and that you see this as a reason for staying here. That sense of responsibility has gotten me through some tough times, until I got to the far side and felt like life was indeed worth living after all. I hope and pray for you also that your healing will come to pass. That is a long time to love someone, only to be discarded in the end.

Keep posting, it really can help! God bless you.

Thank you  and everyone for the kind and compassionate words. I once hoped to be the exception to the rule, but such is not the case. This weekend is Memorial Day  in the US and exactly one year since moving out on her 50th demand. One year out gives perspective even though I'm back in court next week. I couldn't stay any longer and I can't go back. That chapter in my life's journey is closing and now a new chapter is starting. I'm still in the preface, but determined to start again. Time on this earth is too short for too much sorrow. I've fought the good fight. I haven't backed down. I have kept my dignity, although sorely tested. I have forgiven the cruelty inflicted and that which continues to be inflicted. I am surviving, creating a different me, one much more kind and caring to others. I'm ashamed to think back at how calloused I became. No more. I may have lost most possessions, but I have not lost my hope in the future and God's presence by my side. Thank you all for your caring. It has really been overwhelming.

[Lucky Jim]

Well said!  You are experiencing a metamorphosis, in my view, into Hopeful777.

Keep up the good work.   

And try to have a good Memorial Day.

LuckyJim

[dobie]

Hopless777

I can't imagine what it must feel like after 30 years my friend but if it helps try and look at it this way none of us know how much time we will have left or our happiness quota

OK your not in your 20s or 30s but you might just meet the absolute love of your life and spend the next 30 years so much happier than you have the last 30 ... .

You may look back on your 80s and 90s and think wow I wish I had got free sooner I wish I had felt like I do now in my 30s and 40s

My 20s sucked my 30s were better and I'm hoping my 40s will be the best yet  

There's a little part of me that despite my life sucking b@@s at the moment feels in the long run I'm going to look back at this and thank god that stank is out of my life .

[Tibbles]

Hi Hopeless 777

I'm 51 and had a 30 yr marriage too. All over now. On my last birthday I was speaking to my 88 yr old aunt who remembers her 50's as a really good time - fewer responsibilities, knew herself  and didn't really care how others viewed her. "A good time" were her words. Age is a relative thing I guess. Her words cheered me up and gave me renewed hope and focus to live the best life I can. As you said - one chapter in our life is drawing to a close -  I too am trying to sort out division of assets etc and it aint easy with a ex with BPD! Another is beginning, what that will look like I really don't know, I may be by myself from now on, who knows. But I do know it will be full of peace and calm cause at long last I am in charge of those things. That has been a long time coming, and I wish the same for you x x x

[Hopeless777]

Hi Hopeless 777

I'm 51 and had a 30 yr marriage too. All over now. On my last birthday I was speaking to my 88 yr old aunt who remembers her 50's as a really good time - fewer responsibilities, knew herself  and didn't really care how others viewed her. "A good time" were her words. Age is a relative thing I guess. Her words cheered me up and gave me renewed hope and focus to live the best life I can. As you said - one chapter in our life is drawing to a close -  I too am trying to sort out division of assets etc and it aint easy with a ex with BPD! Another is beginning, what that will look like I really don't know, I may be by myself from now on, who knows. But I do know it will be full of peace and calm cause at long last I am in charge of those things. That has been a long time coming, and I wish the same for you x x x

Thank you Tibbles! Just hard to fathom that at this stage of our lives we have to start over. Gee, I thought I was on the homeward stretch. Silly me. Sometimes I just don't have the strength. Intellectually I need to move on and upwards. Emotionally I'm often in the dumps and catatonic. Head vs heart. Head should win, but heart pulls mightily. Someday the struggle will be over.

[Tibbles]

Yep - some days are definitely harder than others. Some days I'm on a high of I can do this, others I'm feeling lost and afraid. I wonder if these extreme mood swings are normal, I don't remember having them like this before and I'm going to chat to my T about that. I'm guessing they are part of the grieving and letting go and facing fear and not being able to go NC while I sort assets out. I felt much more even when I went NC. Maybe that is when the head and heart will catch up. Maybe that is when things will come together more for you too.

[Hopeless777]

Just an update. Tomorrow I'm back in court for another hearing and I have to see her again. Our marriage is now 27 years, 70 days,and counting down to the end... .her attorney forwarded the divorce complaint a few days ago. I told her I'd never divorce her, but would consent to a divorce if she wanted it. I still don't know why she threw me out other than her dBPDw, which I guess is reason enough. I've known since the third year of our marriage something was wrong with her, but by then the kids were here and I stayed through it all until they left home and I was shown the door right after the last one left. Life has never been this hard. Maybe the pain is bringing a bright future.