Intense dream about my uBPDexgf. Hard to stay NC.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi All,

I am 60 days out of a 7 month relationship with my uBPDexgf.  I left.  I cannot go completely NC because we work together and I see her every day.  Since the bu she has made it a point to come to my area a lot wearing her happy mask.  It's hard because I loved her more than anything but the control and verbal abuse were too much. A couple weeks ago she started approaching me and talking about things other than work. My T was concerned she was starting to charm so I sent her a personal email letting her know that I don't want to talk about our past relationship but feel free to come to me with work related stuff. Since then she has looked acted DEVASTATED. It's hard to see.  I know it was necessary but I still feel guilty.

So last night I had my first real vivid dream about her since the bu. Nothing sexual but definitely intense.  Held each other some, her energy and sense of humor that I loved were there.  It felt like the idealization stage all over again.  And the dream lasted longer than most do for me.

I had been doing so well for about the last week - even reaching indifference for most of a couple days.  In fact the thu and Fri were awesome.

Now I have those strong feelings that had mostly gone away and I want to contact her.  And deep down I want to give it another try. I thought I was over that feeling. She is very high functioning and I think would respond to therapy.  And I still have the rescue compulsion.

I KNOW what conventional wisdom says about this. I know how recycles usually turn out. 

I'm looking for advice, encouragement, even slaps upside the head.  Please help me keep these feelings in check.

Thanks so much

[simpleman]

Hi All,

I am 60 days out of a 7 month relationship with my uBPDexgf.  I left.  I cannot go completely NC because we work together and I see her every day.  Since the bu she has made it a point to come to my area a lot wearing her happy mask.  It's hard because I loved her more than anything but the control and verbal abuse were too much. A couple weeks ago she started approaching me and talking about things other than work. My T was concerned she was starting to charm so I sent her a personal email letting her know that I don't want to talk about our past relationship but feel free to come to me with work related stuff. Since then she has looked acted DEVASTATED. It's hard to see.  I know it was necessary but I still feel guilty.

So last night I had my first real vivid dream about her since the bu. Nothing sexual but definitely intense.  Held each other some, her energy and sense of humor that I loved were there.  It felt like the idealization stage all over again.  And the dream lasted longer than most do for me.

I had been doing so well for about the last week - even reaching indifference for most of a couple days.  In fact the thu and Fri were awesome.

Now I have those strong feelings that had mostly gone away and I want to contact her.  And deep down I want to give it another try. I thought I was over that feeling. She is very high functioning and I think would respond to therapy.  And I still have the rescue compulsion.

I KNOW what conventional wisdom says about this. I know how recycles usually turn out. 

I'm looking for advice, encouragement, even slaps upside the head.  Please help me keep these feelings in check.

Thanks so much

[Bassoutcast]

Hey simpleman, sorry to hear you're going through this.

IMO, you didn't fully heal, and that's mostly because you still see her every day. you know what they say - "out of sight, out of mind", and although you're making tremendous progress with your detachment, it's still harder than usual given that you are co-workers.

No one can really tell you how you should feel about this, but all I can say is this - are you currently a healthy individial on your own? will you be able to set boundries should a recycle happen? what is going to be different this time?

Even if your ex is, to use your words, "highly functioning", are you that certain that she will go to therapy?

"but the control and verbal abuse were too much" - this is a thing to consider as well. Right now your mind is focused mainly on the highs of your r/s, try and think back to how it felt back then and ask yourself how would it be different today with the new "you".

Best of luck!

[Sunfl0wer]

She is very high functioning and I think would respond to therapy.  And I still have the rescue compulsion

Can you explain your thinking a bit more on this?

Are you saying that you acknowledge that she is not suitable as a partner currently, but with some fixing, has potential?

[valet]

I feel for you here. It sounds like a difficult situation for you by the way you're describing it.

Dreams are a good thing. They're our brain's way of processing things deep in our subconscious that we've yet to fully realize.

I had a dream about my ex a few nights ago too, the first in a long while. I don't remember much other than her just laying in bed, but the feeling that I had during the whole dream was one of almost total detachment and peace.

When I woke up the next morning, I had this inner instinct that I was fine; that I am going to be alright no matter what happens. The mystical post-breakup 'shower' moment that people claim to have. I still think about her a lot, but it is in a different way now.

Interesting, what a good night's sleep can do for you, eh?

[Sunfl0wer]

I'm looking for advice, encouragement, even slaps upside the head.  Please help me keep these feelings in check.

Ok:  You seem to be thinking with your heart in this post. See what you come up with when you try to get in touch with your logical mind.  

One does not have to override the other, however, you can find a balance that works for you.

[simpleman]

Thank you bass and sunflower. When I say high functioning part what I mean is she is very successful and well respected at work. On top of that it was like she had this awareness and confusion about her loss of emotional control. She could see that she was seeing things in black and white and used terms like gaslighting. It appeared to me that this was the first time she had been experiencing some of this loss of control. The two previous long term relationships she was in were with men that were abusive and she said she didn't really love.  

We did therapy but it was all focused on how I was triggering her. If she was open to the focus shifting to her I wonder what would happen.

I do admittedly still need a lot of work to heal. And another thing I have considered is I just don't know what version of her I would get if I did approach her. If it resulted in rage that would really set me back I think.

I guess the dream took me back to feeling I can't give up on her. And not considering as much how it would affect my well being. I am stronger and looking out for my needs better than when we were together but am I enough?

[Sunfl0wer]

The part I was questioning was that you say she will respond to therapy.  (Not the high functioning part)

You sound like you are in a tough position.  It sounds like you are feeling very drawn to her.

You also sound hesitant and as though you are trying to talk yourself into something that doesn't seem completely ok with you.

I feel like you are ignoring your logical side and allowing your heart to override your mind... .and trying to make a convincing argument to do so.

I am not saying that I know what is right for you.

I am saying that whatever you do or think... .do so with full awareness of all aspects.

It sounds to me as though part of you feels as though reaching out to her is not a good idea.

Is this true?  Why?

What do you want in a r/s?  What do you want from a partner?

[simpleman]

I'm sure you are right that this comes down to me ignoring the logical side. I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself but it's just so frustrating. Last night I went to bed feeling the BEST I have felt since the bu and then BAM! I'm right back to where I want to give it another shot (but not all the way back so that's progress)  I know it's normal to have the ups and downs but when you've had a taste or two of the indifference and relief from the pain it's hard to go back. I hurt, I hurt for her, etc. It's just so hard for me to accept what I know is logically the right way to handle this. It's just so sad. I wanted so bad to show her a lifetime of genuine love.

[Sunfl0wer]

It sounds to me like you are saying that what you want... .  Is relief from the emotional pain of detaching? 

Am I hearing you correct?

( funny you mention you were feeling good... .went to bed... .then BAM!  I have had this happen too.  It sucks!   When I thought hard about it... .I felt like it was my minds clever way of preventing me from repressing painful feelings.  So I listened to my mind... .and spent time feeling the pain.  It was agonizing... .and still finds me at times... .but worth the experience.)

[myself]

I wanted so bad to show her a lifetime of genuine love.

It's difficult to reconcile the fact that the genuine love you offer is both exactly what she likely deeply wants and needs and yet is also the very thing that makes her run away (Perhaps the others felt that with her, too, she's just rewritten those histories as a means to further try to control her own story). How she processes those conflicting feelings alternates between pushing both of you right out of the r/s and trying to pull you back in (by stirring up doubt, for one). Wearing a 'happy' mask sometimes as well as a 'devastated'. Keep your eye on the patterns. Hers and yours. When you're feeling more sure, you're more balanced. When you're unsure... .Look what happens. As painful as it can be (often because we're scared to really let go, for various reasons), facing the facts is what keeps us on a better path through this. If that helps us rekindle the r/s, or detach, so be it. It's forward motion we're striving for, as we're not actually able to go backward. Does the other person meet you in the middle? BPD or not, that's where it's really at. If they don't, it's not a healthy enough connection to last, and probably best to move on. So many of us had so much invested in these relationships, it's understandable how hard it is to make the choice to take those steps to truly detach/do what's right for ourselves in the face of such internal and situational resistance. Dreams that were supposedly coming true fade when the foundation to support them in reality isn't there.

[apollotech]

simpleman,

You asked for thoughts regarding your situation, so I'll through mine into the mix. I actually have a few questions as well.

"I guess the dream took me back to feeling I can't give up on her. And not considering as much how it would affect my well being."

The above is a guilt statement and, IMHO, unfounded. Why do you feel that you gave up on her? If she placed you in a position where you had to leave the relationship in order to protect yourself, that is not giving up; that is acting wisely. You are obligated to protect yourself, not to protect her. Sometimes the only and/or best option is to walk away.

"It's hard because I loved her more than anything but the control and verbal abuse were too much."

Your love for her cannot cure her. You cannot rescue her. That belief/hope will ultimately destroy you in the process of trying to save her. Sacrificing yourself is not the answer. If she has been in counseling and knows that she has issues, why is she not attempting to save herself?

"It's just so sad. I wanted so bad to show her a lifetime of genuine love."

Yes, it is very sad. I am in your shoes. It is an untenable situation as everyone loses. But, relationships are not products of one person. If she has chosen not to participate in maintaining/growing the relationship because she isn't working on herself, what options do you have? Again, you cannot rescue her, and your love will not cure her. Walking away is not quitting if we're forced into it or it's the only option available.